Shades of Blue

by Karen Kingsbury

  Inside, the theater was decorated with an enormous map of Oz and other items that looked like they’d been plucked from the set of the original movie. Laura hadn’t read Wicked, the book — most people said it was a very dark story and not anything like the Broadway play. But she knew the premise. Wicked told a story that explained what happened before the twister hit Dorothy, the story of the friendship between the good and bad witches of Oz.

  Their seats were amazing, fourth row center. Bella Joy leaned close as they sat down. “It helps having a friend in the show.”

  “No doubt.” Laura leaned back in her seat as the house lights went down around them. From the first note, Laura was swept into the beautiful story. She felt tears in her eyes when Elphaba — the green girl — sang about the guy of her dreams falling for Glinda and not her. The actress playing the role had a brilliant voice, and as she sang the line, “I’m not that girl …” Laura felt herself relating. That’s what had happened with Brad, right? He had left and returned to his first love. No matter what his reason, or how he’d tried to justify his time in North Carolina, the fact remained. Right now, no matter how much she loved him, she wasn’t the girl he wanted to be with.

  Just like the song.

  Bella Joy quietly pointed out her friend, and Laura was impressed. The girl was a beautiful dancer, and it was easy to see why she’d gotten the part. After intermission, the other moment that hit her was at the end when Glinda and Elphaba find each other again and share a good-bye song. “It well may be … That we will never meet again.” The words hit Laura square in the heart. Was that how it was going to be with her and Brad? They would have one last time together and then they’d say good-bye? The song played out, and Laura dabbed quietly at her tears. “Because I knew you … I have been changed … for good.” The song told about moving on and finding forgiveness, knowing that what the two had shared was never going to last. But it would never be forgotten either.

  Laura watched through eyes blurred with tears. That’s how it would feel with Brad. If she were forced to walk away from him, she would do so believing that the experience of loving him had changed her for good. Bella Joy must’ve recognized that Laura was crying, because she slipped an arm around Laura’s shoulders and gave her a side hug. Laura was grateful for the show’s final number, when she had time to compose herself. When the lights came up, she dabbed her fingers beneath her eyes. “Amazing. I’d see it again tomorrow.”

  It was Bella Joy’s third time to see the play and she nodded her agreement. “This was the strongest cast yet. The show gets better every time you see it.”

  They filed out with the crowd and crossed the parking area to the stage door. Bella Joy’s friend had left their names on a list, and they were ushered inside and up a Service elevator to the stage level where they met the dancer. For half an hour she gave them a tour of the wings and the costume area. Then she had a meeting with the cast, and Laura and Bella Joy left the theater and walked back toward Broadway and the Stardust Diner.

  The place was packed, bustling with tourists and theatergoers. A waitress was singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” as they walked in. “There he is,” Bella Joy had to shout to be heard, but she pointed at a waiter across the diner. “That’s my friend. His name’s Adam.”

  Adam was tall with pale-blond hair and a tanned narrow face. He noticed them right away and met them at the door. Bella Joy introduced him to Laura, and though he was polite, his interest was entirely on Bella Joy. Laura was suddenly very aware of her engagement ring. She was proud of it, proud of all it stood for. But was she really still taken? She twisted the ring nervously and followed Bella Joy and Adam. He took her hand and led her through the madness. “Come on. I’ve got a table for you in the middle of the action.”

  As he was seating them, another waiter, a tall guy with curly dark hair and flirty eyes approached them. He walked up to Laura and accompanied her to the table, the two of them trailing Bella Joy and Adam. He held out his right hand to shake hers as they walked.

  “Hi.” He yelled over the loud singing. Their fingers connected briefly. “I’m Donny.” His eyes held hers. “The most beautiful girl in New York City walks through the door, I figure I should at least introduce myself.”

  Laura felt her cheeks grow hot. She hadn’t thought of herself as being attractive to other guys in years. He mustn’t have seen her ring. The chaotic restaurant was brightly lit and very loud. She leaned in close enough to be heard. “I’m Laura.”

  Donny locked eyes with her. “Nice to meet you.” He looked toward the back of the restaurant at another waitress signaling to him. “Looks like I’m up.”

  He wove his way past the tables and took a microphone from the waitress. At the same time, the music from “Lean on Me” started through the restaurant. Laura took a spot at the table across from Bella Joy, who was still talking with Adam. Now though, Adam promised to be back in a minute to take their order, and the attention of everyone in the diner was on Donny. The guy was charm and charisma personified, and he had a voice that belonged on a stage. He made eyes with a number of older women and children as he worked his way around the restaurant. But very quickly he sang his way to the booth where Bella Joy and Laura sat.

  Before Laura knew what was happening, Donny sat in the booth beside her. “If … there is a load … That you can’t carry …” he put his arm around Laura, playing to the crowd and hamming up the moment. But in his eyes he seemed to be singing the song to her alone, “I’ll share your load … If you just call me.”

  Laura laughed along with the crowd, which clearly assumed he’d chosen her at random for the impromptu moment. But the feeling was more unsettling than she wanted to admit. She was engaged, after all. She had no right flirting with a stranger at a diner in Times Square. No matter what Brad was doing right now. Donny ended the song by passing the microphone from himself to her. “Call me …” he’d sing, and then it would be her turn. “Call me …” Back to him, “You just call me …” And so on until the song was finished. He leaned in close. “You look like Reese Witherspoon, anyone ever tell you that?”

  “Once in a while.” Laura’s heart beat faster than before. She didn’t want to lead him on. The diversion was fun, but a part of her felt like she was betraying Brad.

  “I’ll be back later.” For a second it seemed like he might kiss her cheek, but instead he winked at her, stood, and returned to his work waiting tables. Throughout the night when it was his turn to sing, he found a way to stop by her table. Laura did her best not to encourage him. Bella Joy didn’t say a word, but several times she raised a single eyebrow in Laura’s direction. “He likes you,” she mouthed once.

  “Just what I need.” Laura made a face, trying to keep things light. They both laughed, but Laura felt sick to her stomach. What was she doing here? She should be home, praying for Brad. They ordered milk shakes and stayed until the restaurant closed at midnight. By then the place had emptied quite a bit, and Donny had been by the table as often as Adam. When Adam brought the check, he grinned at Laura. “Donny’s my buddy. He thought maybe the four of us could hang out later.”

  A sudden wave of panic seized Laura. She couldn’t do this. No matter what was happening with Brad, she couldn’t waltz into the Stardust Diner and let herself be swept off her feet by some singing waiter. No matter how cute or kind he was. She shook her head. “I can’t.” She shot a look at Bella Joy. “We have to get back.”

  Adam hesitated, but then he smiled and shrugged. “Okay.” He lightly touched Bella Joy’s shoulder. “We’re still on for church tomorrow?”

  “Definitely.” Bella Joy seemed anxious to steer the attention away from Laura. “I’ll be there early.”

  Laura was grateful for her friend’s sense of perception. It was time to leave. She said a quick good-bye to the guys, and once they were in the car, she slumped against the backseat. “I feel terrible.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Bella Joy seemed calm, happy with ho
w the night had played out. “You wanted a diversion, and that’s what it was. Nothing more.” She talked about Adam most of the way home, but after they were back at Laura’s house, Bella Joy hugged her. “I’ve met Donny before. He didn’t mean anything.”

  “It just made me miss Brad.” Laura couldn’t explain how she felt. She wanted to be alone. “No big deal.” Laura smiled. “Thanks for everything.”

  “Okay.” Bella Joy hesitated. “Just because I didn’t bring up Brad today doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about him. I haven’t stopped praying for both of you.”

  Again Laura reminded herself how fortunate she was to have friends like Bella Joy and the others. Laura wished Bella Joy well with Adam the next day and then watched her drive off. But before she turned in for the night she sat in a chair at the end of her parents’ covered porch. The stars were out, and she wondered if they were out in North Carolina too.

  Suddenly she was almost certain she hadn’t spent the day the way she should have. She hadn’t done anything wrong, true. But what had she done to help? Her fiancé was in the midst of a crisis. There was no other way to describe it. He hadn’t called not because he didn’t love her, but because he must’ve been an emotional wreck. Memories of what Laura had read on the Post Abortion Syndrome website came back to her. She wasn’t the only victim in the situation. Brad was hurting, and it was time she stopped taking that truth like a personal attack. However this all ended, Brad never meant to hurt her.

  Like she needed her next breath, Laura needed her Bible. She crept inside, found it in her parents’ office, and returned to the porch. She used the light from her cell phone to read the words as she turned to Luke, chapter 6. She and her friends had read about loving their enemy and refusing to judge. They’d read about getting the plank out of their own eye so they could see clearly to help their brother with the speck in his. But what about the last part of the chapter?

  Laura flipped through the pages until she found the section she was looking for. Quietly and with a growing sense of alarm, she began to read. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Laura closed her eyes, and beneath her the ground no longer felt steady. She felt sick over her initial reaction to Brad’s admission. She hadn’t been merciful at all. She’d been critical and judgmental. As if she could never be capable of falling prey to sin or disappointing someone she loved.

  But again, that wasn’t the section of Scripture that was calling to her. She pressed on to the end of the chapter, to verse 46. Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? The words felt reverent, like God Himself was standing here speaking to her. She had studied this section of the Bible for weeks with her friends. Love when it’s difficult to love … don’t judge others …be merciful. But never until now had it occurred to her that she hadn’t put these words into practice.

  I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.

  What else was marriage if not two people laying a foundation for a life together? If she let Brad forever more take the blame for the heartache of this weekend, then she would walk around the rest of her life with a log jutting from her eye. Haughty and self-righteous. And in that way she would be the worst of all sinners. Because the thing God hated the most was the very pride that had marked Laura’s recent feelings toward Brad. How dare he be less than a virgin … how terrible that he hadn’t talked about his past sooner … how wrong of him to have an abortion with his ex-girlfriend. Proud and arrogant, grain by grain she was laying a foundation for the two of them on nothing but shifting sand. Even the slightest storm of life was bound to tear them apart if she forced him to be the bad guy, if she made him feel lucky because she took him back. How could Brad lead her into the future if she made him feel somehow lesser because he had made mistakes? As if she were somehow perfect.

  Suddenly a picture filled her mind, something she needed to do when Brad returned. If he returned. Laura read the words at the end of Luke once more, and this time she didn’t feel sorry for herself at all. Rather, she imagined Emma, a young woman who hadn’t only lost her purity, but who had experienced an abortion, the loss of a child without so much as an apology from the guy she loved. The bigger picture was this: There was no shortage of victims in the situation. Laura looked up to the stars. Dear God … I tried to run away from the pain today, but it didn’t go anywhere. It’s still here waiting for me. She thought about Donny, the singing waiter. She had no right flirting tonight, not even a little. I would’ve been better off here, talking to You.

  Pray without ceasing, Daughter. Pray for your beloved.

  Yes, that’s what she would do. She would pray that Brad would come home, and that he would forgive her pride and arrogance. And she would plan to bring to life the picture God had given her. More than that, she would pray for Emma to forgive, and for Brad to be strong. Strong enough to make things right with her, and strong enough together with his first love to grieve the loss of their child. Strong enough with God’s help to put the matter behind them. By praying this way, Laura would build the beginning of a firm foundation for Brad and herself. Of course, she would pray for one more thing — pray for it as if her life depended on the outcome.

  That after spending a weekend with Emma, Brad would be strong enough to come home again.

  Twenty-Five

  BRAD WAS UP AT SUNRISE, AND by seven o’clock Sunday morning he parked his Jeep along Ocean Boulevard at the end of Dolphin Street. He climbed out and walked onto the sand. All signs of yesterday’s storm were gone, and the sun sparkled off the water. It was too early for the holiday weekend crowd, and other than a few metal detector junkies and a couple lone joggers, he was alone. Which was what he wanted. He needed to think, and he couldn’t imagine a better place.

  The reality had kept him awake, haunting him through the night. He and Emma had been parents to a baby girl, and their decision had cost their daughter her life. Their little girl … the child that would never be. If he had that day to do over again, he never would have driven Emma anywhere near the clinic. They might’ve kept the baby or they might’ve given her up for adoption. But she would be alive.

  He carried the burden of their decision like a blanket of lead around his shoulders. Without really knowing where he was going, he crossed the beach, walked up the stairs to the pier, and slowly headed to the far end. He leaned against the wooden railing for a long time, staring at the water, remembering. What sort of person had he been back then, taking her to the clinic and then never asking her what went on?

  The truth about his actions made him feel sick to his stomach, and again he was convinced there was only one way to move forward. He checked his cell phone. It was seven thirty already. He’d looked up churches in the area earlier that morning at his parents’ house, and he’d found a nine o’clock Service at Holden Beach Community Church — a small congregation a few blocks from Emma’s house.

  He didn’t want to wake her, but he needed to give her enough time to get ready. If she was even willing to go with him. He dialed her number, and she picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” Her voice sounded groggy.

  “Hi. It’s me.” He pressed the phone to his ear so he could hear above the sound of the wind and waves. “How are you?”

  A long silence followed before she answered him. “You left.”

  “You needed to sleep.”

  “Yes.” She sounded more awake now. “Where are you?”

  “On the pier. I was up early so I took a walk.”

  More silence. “So … what do we do now?”

  He was glad he
wasn’t with her in person. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms again and protect her from another hour of pain. But that sort of protection couldn’t come from him. He understood that now. “I was hoping … you might go to church with me. There’s one close to your house. Service is at nine o’clock.”

  “Church?” Her tone sounded weary at the idea. “Really, Brad? That’s what you want to do today?”

  He understood her cynicism, but he had to press on. Had to find a way to make her understand where he was coming from. “Emma … I came here to apologize. I wanted to find closure and healing for both of us.” His voice was thick, remembering her story from yesterday. “It’s just … I’ve been thinking about it and … I don’t think it’s possible without finding peace with God first.”

  He half expected her to laugh at him, tell him she didn’t want anything more to do with him. Or maybe she would hang up without another word. But instead he heard her sigh — a long, drawn-out, sad-sounding sigh. “Fine.” She had her guard up again. He could hear it in her voice. “Meet me here at eight thirty.”

  He felt his heart grow light with gratitude. God had done this. There was no other explanation. “I’ll be there.”

  Most of the next hour he spent talking to God. Lead us, Father … show me how to make amends with her and with You. I’ve failed so completely, Lord. Please lead me now.

  When it was time, he walked slowly back to his Jeep and drove up to Emma’s house. Along the way he thought about Laura. He wanted to call her, assure her that he was working through the situation with Emma as quickly and completely as he could. But the timing felt wrong. He was in Emma’s world now. He needed to tend to the matter at hand before he could look ahead to Laura. Still, he prayed for her too. That she would have the grace to understand. He never meant to hurt her with any of this. That was just it. He was tired of causing pain. That’s why he was here.