Shades of Blue

by Karen Kingsbury

  Gavin held her eyes for a moment and the look on his face told her he understood. He squeezed her hand for a few seconds. Then they set off running again, and Emma looked long down the length of Holden Beach. Yes, this was where life and love had ended. But today — Kristin’s day — Emma chose to see this beach as something else.

  The place where life began again.

  THE LAST SATURDAY IN JUNE, SUNLIGHT shone over Manhattan, casting a brilliance on the Hudson River as a breeze blew over the neatly trimmed lawn at the Liberty House. Brad wore a tux that was both elegant and understated, and he stood next to his best man — his father, wise old Carl Cutler. The pastor stood on Brad’s right, and on the other side of his father, the groomsmen were lined up, ready for the big moment.

  His father leaned in. “You ready?”

  “Absolutely.” Brad winked at his dad.

  Discretely, his father tapped on his tux pocket. “I have a list of songs here, numbers I want your mother and I to dance to later on. You and Laura, too.”

  Brad grinned and put his hand on his dad’s shoulder. “Sounds good.” Together they turned their eyes to the opposite end of the aisle, to the side of the building across the yard. As they did, the hundreds of guests did the same thing, and a hush fell over the crowd. None of them had known that the wedding was ever in jeopardy, which was just as well. No matter how the last few months had gone, there was never any real doubt in Brad’s mind that God would give them this moment. This wedding day.

  The music changed and the guests turned and watched, as one after another, Laura’s best friends made their way up the aisle to the gazebo. He appreciated their smiles, the way each of them made eye contact with him, silently approving of Brad and the wedding and whatever details they’d worked through to get to this point.

  Finally the guests rose and turned toward the Liberty House. Again the music changed and Laura walked out, her father at her side. Even from this far away, she was a vision — the dress she’d talked about for so long, breathtaking. You did this, God … Brad felt a lifetime of love well up in his heart. He loved her and only her.

  He would love her until the day he died.

  A quiet sound of awe came from their family and friends as Laura and her dad drew closer. The dress was designed for her, no question. But that wasn’t the main reason she was so stunning. She seemed to see none of the guests, but only him. The look in her eyes made his heart beat faster — innocence and devotion and purity, love and understanding. Combined, they made her the most beautiful bride ever.

  Her father’s smile was never bigger, despite the tears in his eyes. He walked Laura to a spot just short of Brad and then Laura’s mother stood and moved beside him.

  “Who gives this woman to be married?” the pastor’s voice resonated with joy.

  Randy James smiled at his daughter and kissed her cheek. Then he linked hands with his wife on his other side. He turned his attention to the pastor and cleared his throat. “Her mother and I.”

  This had been practiced, of course, but every detail meant so much more here — on the actual day of the wedding. Laura’s mom hugged her and her father did the same. Then her dad took Laura’s hand, and with all the love of a lifetime, he gently placed it in Brad’s. “Take care of her,” he whispered.

  “I will.” Brad smiled at him for an extra second or two, his look unwavering. Then he tucked Laura’s arm in his and they turned to face the pastor.

  The ceremony was tender and heartfelt, and in a blur Brad and Laura were saying their vows and exchanging rings. Not until they walked into the gazebo to light the unity candle did it seem to hit them both at the same time. They exchanged a look of thrill that they could barely contain. “We’re married!” he breathed against her cheek as they leaned close to light the flame.

  “It’s like a dream.”

  They let their eyes linger on each other for a long moment after the candle was lit. Then they returned to their places and grinned at the pastor.

  “With the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you husband and wife.” He smiled big at them. “Brad, you may kiss your wife.”

  He took her in his arms like the precious gift she was and he kissed her, a kiss that held both love and lasting commitment. When it was over, their guests clapped and the pastor made his final announcement. “I present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Brad Cutler.”

  Walking back down the aisle, Laura’s hand in his, Brad had the wonderful sense that there might never be a moment as perfect as this one, that the Lord Himself was walking beside them. Or maybe it was simply the feeling of God’s favor, because He had to be pleased with the way things had turned out — for all of them. Brad had done what he needed to do. He had gone back to Holden Beach and made things right with Emma. Laura had gone through a transformation, too — as painful as it was. Yes, there would always be heartache when he thought of Emma Landon and their daughter, Amanda. But there would be forgiveness as well. For all of them. And because of that, this wedding was exactly what it should be.

  The first page in the first chapter of the rest of their lives.

  Dear Reader Friends,

  I remember where I was when I heard the song for the first time.

  It was a Tim McGraw hit called “Red Ragtop” and it stopped me in my tracks. The song talked about a guy driving down the road and coming to a red light next to a red Cabriolet. Behind the wheel was a girl with green eyes, a stranger. And suddenly the guy is drawn back in time to the most painful memory of his life. Years earlier he had been in a relationship with a girl who drove a car like that, a girl he’d loved. As the song goes, the two were young and wild and when the girl became pregnant, they decided not to have the child.

  Rather than have a baby, they had an abortion.

  Around the country, some radio stations banned the song. They thought it held a pro-abortion message. But the song spoke to me in the exact opposite way. I believe “Red Ragtop” is a song about regret, about a guy being years removed from such a decision and still knowing that it would haunt him all his life.

  The first time I heard that song, I knew that one day — if God allowed it — I would write a novel about a guy like that. A guy smothered with regret. Brad Cutler is different in many ways, of course. Brad is a Christian — so the story involves faith, whereas the song does not. And the song gives us no background on the man, no way of understanding what led to his decision. But the song was a starting point. The regret … the lifetime of guilt and remorse … was something I desperately wanted to explore.

  I have not had an abortion, and I am strongly in support of life — all life. We are active supporters of Crisis Pregnancy Centers, and I believe God has a purpose for every breath. But this topic is very personal for me, and so I feel I must confess something to you, my reader friends.

  My story is this: Once, a lifetime ago on a sunny Saturday morning, someone close to me called me frantic with tears. She was young and afraid and alone, scheduled to have an abortion that day. But her boyfriend hadn’t shown up.

  “Please, Karen … will you take me? I have no other way to get there!”

  I was seventeen. I did not have the relationship with Christ I have today, but I knew abortion was wrong. I knew it because my dad had been passionate about the Right to Life movement. I cannot blame her desperate cries on the other end of the line or the fact that it wasn’t my problem. The sad truth is, after very little debate, I agreed. I wasn’t happy about it, but I drove to her house, picked her up, and took her to an abortion clinic. I sat in the waiting room for an hour or three hours. Whatever it was. It passed in a blur, and as I drove her home we said absolutely nothing.

  To this day I think about how I might have handled that morning differently. I was not a friend to this special girl, no example, no beacon of faith. I could’ve picked her up and taken her to a park or a coffee shop instead. I could’ve prayed with her or taken her to a counselor. I could’ve helped her change her mi
nd.

  But I did none of those things.

  Somewhere in heaven today is a child who died too young because I didn’t have the courage to act differently. Earlier this year when I was writing Shades of Blue, I researched various types of abortions and exactly how the sad procedure plays out. Somewhere in the middle of my research, every detail about that long-ago Saturday morning came rushing back and I began to weep.

  I wept because that child might’ve grown up to find the cure for cancer or maybe to be the amazing older brother or sister for this woman’s other children. Because I didn’t act differently, the world will never know who that child might’ve become, and I was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse.

  Days later, I contacted her — a grown woman now. I asked her if we could talk, and I went to her. On a sandy path, we took a walk similar to the one Brad and Emma took on Holden Beach, and I told her I was sorry for my actions that day. “You looked up to me back then, but I did not act like a Christian or a friend,” I told her. “I never should’ve taken you there.” I could barely talk for my tears. “I pray you can forgive me.”

  We both cried and we hugged, and together on that beach we prayed and we found God’s forgiveness and healing like we hadn’t found it before. Like Laura’s father said, everyone has a past. This book caused me to deal with a piece of mine — a piece that is real and devastating and not very flattering. But I wanted to be honest with you about this. I can’t suggest that you can find healing in Christ without telling you that I, myself, have found that same healing.

  Abortion is a very difficult topic. Regardless of God’s precious view of life, abortion is legal, and many times women are counseled that their pregnancy does not involve a baby, but only a mass of tissue. They are often encouraged to have abortions. I know of cases where mothers insisted their daughters have abortions, and in many situations an abortion happens through very little fault of the woman.

  Even so, it is the woman who suffers the loss and oftentimes lifelong guilt and regret. The fact that abortion remains so personal is one reason why I haven’t written about it before. I remember talking with Christian author Francine Rivers several years ago. “I’m so glad you’re handling the abortion topic,” I told her, referring to her wonderful novel The Atonement Child. “I’m not sure if I could do it.”

  Francine looked deep into my eyes. “You can, Karen. You must. We need more stories that talk about it.” She went on to say, “Women hide this, but they’ll never find healing so long as they’re hiding.” Then her voice became almost a plea. “Pray about it, please. I think God is asking you to write about this.”

  And so I have prayed every year since then. From the time I heard “Red Ragtop” for the first time, I knew I was absolutely supposed to write this book. But I’ve held off for three years since then, held off even though the storyline was practically bursting at the seams of my heart.

  Here’s the reason I wasn’t sure about writing it — I wouldn’t want one person reading this to feel condemned or judged. More people have had abortions or taken part in them than we could ever imagine. It’s a secret that stays silent within groups of friends and within families. But God’s truth tells us we cannot find healing without confession, without admitting our wrongs and asking for His forgiveness. Even if we didn’t know the wrong we were doing at the time. Then … and only then … can we walk in His amazing grace and live in His redemption.

  If you have suffered from any aspect of abortion, I wrote Shades of Blue especially for you. Please know that there is healing for us all and for anyone who would give their burdens to Christ. Lay your sorrows at the foot of the cross, the way Brad and Emma did. Jesus is waiting with open arms to grant you perfect healing and forgiveness. And to give you a new, restored life in Him.

  If you are a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy — for any reason — I pray that this book will help you choose life. If you are unable to care for your baby, adoption is a beautiful choice. There are countless parents waiting even at this very minute for news that a baby is available for them to adopt. Christian adoption agencies are ready to help you and counsel you. Look for one in your area and pick up your phone. Most of them offer free pregnancy tests and even ultrasounds. Or perhaps God is calling you to raise your baby with the help of family and friends.

  Pray and listen for His voice, and please choose life.

  With abortion, the saddest truth is you can never go back. A life hangs in the balance and the choices made are irreversible. I’ve known that since that sad Saturday morning in my past. There is no going back. Please know that I have prayed for each of you that as you read this book you will be touched and changed — that in some way life will become more precious to you because of the characters in this book. Laura and Brad and Emma. Kristin and Frankie and Cassandra. Even little Amanda.

  Okay. Big breath … Originally I wasn’t sure I was going to share this with you. But you are honest with me, and I want to be honest with you too.

  As always, I look forward to hearing your feedback on this book. Take a minute and visit my website at www.KarenKingsbury.com, where you can get to know other readers and become part of a community that agrees there is life-changing power in something as simple as a story. On my website you can post prayer requests or pray for those in need. You can send in a photo of your loved one serving our country or let us know of a fallen soldier we can honor on our Fallen Heroes page.

  My website will also tell you about my ongoing contests, including “Shared a Book,” which encourages you to let me know when you’ve shared one of my books with someone in your life. Each time you email me about this, you’re entered for the chance to spend a summer weekend with my family. In addition, everyone signed up for my monthly newsletter is automatically entered into an ongoing once-a-month drawing for a free, signed copy of my latest novel.

  Also on my website you can see which women’s conferences I’ll speak at next and whether you might live close enough so we’ll have the chance to meet, to share a hug, or take a picture together. In addition there are links that will help you with matters that are important to you — faith and family, adoption and ways to help others.

  Of course, on my site you can also find out a little more about me and my family, my Facebook page and YouTube channel, and my Karen’s Movie Monday — where I release occasional Monday YouTube clips dealing with some aspect of my family and faith, and the wonderful world of Life-Changing FictionTM.

  Finally, if you gave your life over to God during the reading of this book, or if you found your way back to a faith you’d let grow cold, send me a letter at Office@KarenKingsbury.com and write New Life in the subject line. I would encourage you to connect with a Bible-believing church in your area and get hold of a Bible. In addition, if you can’t afford a Bible, write Bible in the subject line. Tell me how God used this book to change your life, and then include your address in your email. If that applies to you, I’ll send you a Bible at no cost.

  One more thing. I’ve started a program where I will donate a book to any high school or middle school librarian who makes a request. Check out my website for details. Again, thanks for traveling with me through the pages of this book. I can’t wait to see you next time. My next book will be the third segment of the Above the Line Series. It’s called Take Three, and I think it will answer a lot of questions you might have about Bailey and Cody and the future for the producers in that series.

  Until then, my friends, keep your eyes on the cross.

  In His light and love,

  Karen Kingsbury

  www.KarenKingsbury.com

  READER STUDY GUIDE

  * * *

  Please use the following questions for your book club, small group, or for personal reflection.

  1. What do you know about Post Abortion Syndrome (PAS)? If you don’t know about this, look up the symptoms online. Share about this.

  2. Do you know anyone who has gone through an abortion? If so, talk about that person in ge
neral terms (careful to keep their identity private). Did that person suffer any signs of PAS?

  3. What did you initially think of Brad’s decision to go back to Emma Landon and seek her forgiveness? Talk about what Brad might’ve been feeling. What did you think about his decision by the end of the book?

  4. Was there a time in your life when you needed to seek forgiveness from someone? How did you go about this, and what were the results?

  5. Is there someone in your life to whom you need to extend forgiveness? What is holding you back? Talk about what might happen if you offered an apology to that person.

  6. Laura was part of a very strong Bible study. Did you relate to one of her friends more than the others? Which one and why?

  7. Are you part of a Bible study or small group? Explain how your group works and how the group’s study and interaction is a benefit to you.

  8. Laura’s father heard the news about Brad’s past from Brad. How did Laura feel about this first sign of Brad’s desire to take responsibility for his actions? Have you ever taken part in a difficult conversation, one that wasn’t easy but was the right thing to do? Talk about it.

  9. How do you think you’d react if you found out someone you loved had hidden an important truth from you? Can you relate to Laura’s reaction? How would you have handled the news differently?

  10. After he had told Laura and her father the truth about his past, Brad chose to talk to his father. Which of your parents are you closer to, and which one might you choose to share something like this with?

  11. In what ways was it evident that Emma Landon was still trapped by the pain and regret she carried from her past?