by T. Torrest
Those beautiful, lying gray eyes.
I uncross my arms and wave a prodding hand toward him. “Oh, please continue. I’m finding this fascinating.”
He drops his head again. “Livia, I don’t want to fight with you right now. Not when I’ve been looking forward to seeing you for weeks. I didn’t picture tonight going down like this. I thought—” He reaches out to take my hand but thinks better of it before turning his head back toward me. “I thought that when I didn’t see you here with that motorcycle guy, that maybe you and I... I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought.”
Motorcycle guy? “Mitch? My ex-boyfriend? Is that who you’re talking about?”
“So he’s your ‘ex’ now, is he?”
I have no idea what Mitch has to do with anything. “Uh, yeah. He’s been my ‘ex’ for about a year now. Why would you think that I would be here with him? I haven’t even thought about him for like—”
“Monty told me you were back with him.”
What the hell? “When did he tell you that?”
“Months ago. I called him to see how you were and he told me to forget about you and leave you alone because you were happily back with Mitch.”
Monty. Monty of all people knew what a mess I was after Jack broke up with me. So much so that I couldn’t ever bring myself to discuss it. I mean, why should I? They got save-the-date cards of their own, didn’t they? I was sure they were quite able to draw their own conclusions regarding the circumstances surrounding our breakup.
By coming up with a cover story about my “happiness,” Monty was obviously trying to protect me from getting hurt again; a misdirected deed from a very good friend. I can’t believe he never told me. But then, I guess that was the point.
I was wrecked over those days but I’d been able to push all the sordid little details to the back of my mind. Now here was Jack, bringing them all back to the surface. “And what the hell gave you the impression I was engaged to Sadie?”
His tone is believable enough, but I’m sure he’s just trying to save face about doing something so cruel as sending that vile little card.
“You told me. When you guys sent me that announcement card back in July.”
“I never sent any announcement card.”
“Uh, yeah you did.” I try to find something in his features to confirm an untruth in his denial. I can’t. “Well, maybe Sadie sent the card and you just didn’t know about it. But trust me, I received a card.”
“We are not engaged.”
I almost bark out a bitter Ha! but I manage to keep my mouth shut and let him continue.
“That night at The Osprey? When I dragged her out of the bar? Yeah. That was the last time I ever saw her. She was hanging all over me, telling me she wanted to get back together.” He sits up straighter on the couch, and this time, he does grab my hand. I try to pull it away, but he clasps me firmer and looks right into my eyes. “I told her there was no chance for that because I was already in love with you. She stomped off to her car, and I haven’t seen her since.”
Bullshit. Maybe they aren’t together anymore, but he can’t sit here and pretend like it never happened. “Then why did we break up? You still can’t even be honest with me about why you did it. You made me think it was all because of me. Because I wasn’t able to tell you something you knew I wouldn’t be able to say. It’s like you were intentionally setting me up to fail you.”
“I know. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have backed you into a corner like that.”
“But you did it!”
“Because I was insane over you! Don’t you get it? I was crazy about you from the first moment we met. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. Ever. Is it really so fucking awful that I wanted you to love me back?”
I wish I could believe him. I really do. It would be so much easier on my pride to suppose that Jack truly wasn’t the monster I thought him to be. It would take the dejection off my heart to trust that he really did love me all those months ago. It could be so simple to believe him right now...
But I just can’t.
I stand slowly and have trouble meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry, Jack. But too much time has gone by, too many things have happened between us for me to possibly believe you, to believe—”
He practically leaps off the couch. “You think I’m lying to you?”
The disgust in his eyes as he looks at me is almost too much to bear. Silly me, I thought I was past the point where he could have any pull on my sympathies anymore. But seeing his pained expression puts just the smallest, hairline-sized fracture into my heart.
Nobody could fake that look. Not even Jack Tanner. Hell, not even Jack Nicholson.
The observation keeps me silent. I am mute.
“I’ve shut my friends out for close to a year in order to let you have a life with them. I came here to face them—knowing they thought I was a piece of shit for disappearing the way I did—in the hopes of seeing you tonight. And yet you can stand here, practically calling me a liar right to my face! You’ve been completely ignoring me all night and I’ve stuck around, enduring it, hoping to find a few minutes to talk to you. But I guess there’s nothing left to talk about being that you’ve already decided to dismiss every word I say as a lie.”
He walks over to the door and opens it, apparently intent on leaving me standing here with my mouth gaping open.
He takes one step out but then stops himself and turns back around. “No. You know what? I’m not leaving this room until you hear what I came here to tell you.”
His eyes are tired and his shoulders are slumped, but his jaw is set with determination.
“Livia... it’s not easy for me to stand here spilling my soul out to you, but there’s something about this entire conversation that you’re not hearing me say.”
Shoving his hands into his side pockets, he leans against the door frame. “The thing is, I’m not only trying to make you understand that I loved you last year, but I’m trying to make it damn clear that I still love you now and I have loved you for every day that’s passed in between.”
He looks at me for a hesitant pause before he steps closer, and I am so frozen by what he’s said and what he’s doing that I don’t think to move away.
His voice shakes as he goes on, “I’ve spent every day while we were apart trying to get over you.” Inches from my body, he continues in the same, aching voice, “Seeing you today, I realize that I’m not even close to getting over you yet.”
He leans his head down slowly, tentatively, bringing his face closer to mine. I’m standing still as a statue, not quite believing he’s about to kiss me. I catch the scent of smoke and shaving cream a mere second before his lips are on mine.
This isn’t real. It can’t be.
His hands never leave his pockets, mine never leave my side. For such a soft kiss, I shouldn’t be hearing my heart beating out of my chest... I shouldn’t be going weak in the knees... I shouldn’t be unable to keep my hands from shaking...
I shouldn’t be kissing him back. But I am.
He pulls back slightly and I open my eyes, dazed and defeated.
I feel his warm breath against my lips as his rough voice whispers, “Now tell me I’m lying.”
At that, he turns abruptly and walks out the door.
I sink back down onto the sofa before my weakened legs can bring me to the floor. I still have the minty taste of Jack’s lips on my mouth and the scent of him is still lingering in the room. With that comes a flood of memories that knock the wind right out of me.
What if he’s telling the truth?
CHAPTER 45
Sunday, May 26, 1996
Probably around 10:00 PM or something.
Reception Hall at The Breakers
Spring Lake
I march back into the ballroom and straight up to Monty, interrupting his conversation with Vix. “What were you thinking?” I demand. “How could you just hand me over to Jack with a smile on your face?”
Monty
doesn’t look taken aback to see me standing here seething. “Oh, so it’s ‘Jack’ now, is it?”
“What?”
He casually directs his attentions to his tie, heedlessly scraping off some bits of invisible crud as he clarifies. “We’re actually back to using his real name? As opposed to ‘The Jerk,’ ‘That Snake,’ or my personal favorite, ‘The Colossal Shitbag’?”
Grrr. “Whatever, Mont. Just tell me why you did that to me.”
Satisfied with the inspection of his tie, he splays it back down against his chest and finally looks up to meet my eyes. “I did it for you, my friend. And for him, too, if you want to know the truth.”
When I only offer a skeptical look, Monty continues, “The fact is, tonight is the first time I’ve talked to Jack in months. He said some things that made me realize you two would be better off together than apart.”
Traitor. “So you believe him.”
Monty’s shoulders rise in a careless shrug. “I have no reason not to. I have the benefit of being able to look at things objectively. I’m not as emotionally invested in the two of you as the two of you are. Aside from the fact that I like to see my friends happy, of course.” He pauses for a beat before looking at me, shamefaced. “And Livi Girl... truth is I’m trying to lessen my own guilt here. I told Jack way back in August—”
“I know what you told him. He mentioned what you said.”
“He was getting ready to hit the road and you had already made it clear that he wasn’t planning on bringing you with him. I thought it was best if I told him you were not only doing fine without him, but doing great. I mean, even if you two got back together, what would have been the point? He was just going to be leaving in a few days anyway. You guys were already broken up. Why put you through that all over again? I was trying to protect you.”
I sigh and return, “I know. And I appreciate it, really.”
“But it was a blatant lie.”
“Yes, it was.”
“And if I had just stayed out of it, who knows? Maybe you two could have hashed all this out months ago.”
Maybe.
But I was such a heartbroken mess that I would have just taken him back in order to stop the pain. Our relationship would have consisted of me following him around the country, supporting his life without ever finding one for myself.
I would never have had the displaced anger to leave Shana and start my own business. I wouldn’t have had the blinders-on focus that turned that venture into the success it is today.
I’ve created my own triumphs and boosted my own confidence for the first time without absorbing the deflected light of someone else’s accomplishments. Back then, I was so caught up in being a fan, I’d forgotten to find a life. If I’d gotten back together with Jack before figuring that out, I wouldn’t have realized that I was able to survive without a star to gaze at, be something on my own, find out what I wanted to be.
And I obviously wouldn’t be standing here right now, warring with myself over whether I should bother giving Jack the time of day to speak to him or not.
Just then, the band leader winds down their song and announces, “At Tess and Ron’s request, we’d like to invite their friend Jack up on the stage to join us for a song.”
I almost have a heart attack, watching as Jack hops up on stage with his electric guitar in hand. How can I be expected to just stand here and listen to this? But I don’t have much choice.
He plugs in, takes a seat, and adjusts the mic, his smooth voice explaining, “I haven’t played this song in a long time, and I’ve never done it in public, but for Tess and Ron’s sake, I’m going to try.” He has a pick pinched between his fingers as he absently brushes some hair out of his eyes, and my heart cracks, remembering how I’d pretty much fallen for him the very first time I saw him pull that move exactly one year ago today. “You may be familiar with this one, so you’ll be able to tell if I screw it up.”
The guests all laugh, but I’m trying not to cry as I hear the opening strains of “Bell Bottom Blues.”
Sonofabitch. He’s going there.
Tess takes Ron onto the dance floor as he throws up the horns. It almost has me smiling.
Almost. You know, if I weren’t so close to crying.
The night I first met Jack, Ron had said it was the most excruciating apology song he’d ever heard. I guess Ron had fucked up a time or two himself, and now he’s recruited his buddy to play it for his new wife.
But even though Jack is playing this song on Ron’s behalf, he’s shooting a few surreptitious glances in my general direction, making it clear to me that he’s singing every word purely for my benefit.
He sings with the agony of a broken man, a man with nothing left to lose.
He sings about us.
I know what’s coming, so by the time Jack gets to the chorus, I’m already shaking. Most of the wedding guests are out on the dance floor by this time, and even though my eyes are blurring, I can see him singing only to me:
Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you?
Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back?
I’d gladly do it…
Every note, every chord, every word rips through me, blocking the passage of blood through my veins.
He’s killing me.
When he’s through, I swipe the tears from my eyes as the rest of the guests give a round of applause. I take a deep breath and pull myself together before anyone can accuse me of having a nervous breakdown.
Vix utilizes her Supertwin powers to sense that I’m ready to crumble into a heap right here on the dance floor, and pipes in with, “You know, Liv, you probably should at least talk to him. I always thought he was a good guy. I mean, you could do worse.”
“I have done worse.”
That brings a laugh to our group before Vix continues. “Monty filled me in and I think there’s a pretty good chance the poor guy isn’t the evil jerk you imagined him to be.”
“Poor guy! What about your poor sister?! He broke up with me, remember?”
Vix sighs heavily, letting me know she’s bored with the direction of the conversation. “Of course I remember. Lord knows you’ve never let any of us forget it! He made a mistake, Liv. So did you. Surprise, he’s not perfect. I think you’re being too hard on him for falling off that pedestal you put him on a year ago. You’ve practically been... vilifying him for it every day since.”
I let that sink in, fighting the small spark of hope that’s stirring deep within me. She has a point, but I am scared to death right now. I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to chance it again. I just can’t imagine what I’d do if I lost him twice.
Vix sees me floundering and goes for the jugular. “The real question is: Are you going to dwell on his one mistake for the rest of your life and be miserable or are you going to get over it already and at least try to be happy?”
My sister’s words are hitting home. If Jack really was telling the truth, then maybe he deserves a second chance. Maybe I deserve a second chance.
A sudden burst of elation fills my head and courses through my blood. What do I have to lose? I just hope I have some time to psych myself up for what I’m about to do.
I grab Monty’s wrist and turn it to look at his watch. “Okay, fine. The reception will be over in twenty minutes. I’ll go talk to him then.”
Vix raises her brows at me. “Now.”
I can see that Sammy and Isla are gathering up the last of the centerpieces, so I know I’m only making excuses when I counter, “Oh sure. Just leave my best friend’s wedding in order to—”
Vix cuts me off. “Tess already knows and she told me to wish you good luck. So go. Now.”
I take a last, beseeching look at Monty who only offers, “Go get ‘em, Tiger.”
CHAPTER 46
Sunday, May 26, 1996
10:56 PM
Outside The Breakers
Spring Lake
Jack and I don’t say a word to each other on ou
r walk outside to the parking lot. The valet brings his car around and not until we are seated, buckled and rolling out of the drive does he finally speak.
“I’m not taking you to Monty’s.”
Well, I could have figured as much. When I agreed to let Jack drive me home from the reception, the idea was to give us a chance to talk. With Monty’s house mere blocks away, the short drive wouldn’t have left much time for any sort of in-depth discussion.
The craziest thing is that I don’t even know where to begin the dialogue. I’ve had a million questions swirling around my brain for months, and now, I can’t think of what to ask about first.
Jack solves that problem when he asks, “So what changed your mind?”
“Changed my mind about talking to you?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not sure, really. Something Vix said about ‘trying to be happy,’ I guess.”
Jack accepts that but starts fishing. “I think I was kind of hoping it was because you realized I wasn’t lying to you.”
It’s never fun for me to admit when I am wrong. But if we’re really going to do this—and do it honestly—Jack deserves at least that small concession from me.
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe you.”
He nods his head in understanding. I watch a muscle clench in his jaw and my pulse speeds up a little faster in that maddening, involuntary way it always did whenever I was this close to him.
He’d ditched his sport coat by the time we reached the car, draping it sensibly over the back of my seat. He can’t possibly realize that by doing so, he’s forced me to be completely surrounded by the scent of him.
Looking at him isn’t much easier. The cuffs of his black shirt are rolled back to his elbows, offering a view of his bare forearms. Even after all this time, I find myself fighting the urge to reach over and touch him. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to be near Jack—seeing him, smelling him—it’s a full-on sensory overload. Christ.
I make a conscious effort to breathe through my mouth. “There are still a few things I’m not clear on.”
