by Kate Eastham
Alice laughed out loud, and put an arm around her friend. ‘No, seriously, Lizzie,’ she said, ‘you would make an excellent nurse. Think about the way you looked after me.’
‘Well, that may be the case, Nurse Sampson, but currently I’m far too busy entertaining gentlemen of an evening,’ laughed Lizzie, slipping the cape off and placing it carefully over the back of a chair.
‘And what’s this small, squashed item?’ she said, as Alice removed the final piece of uniform from the bottom of the parcel.
‘This, Nurse Montgomery, is a district nurse’s hat. It should be round, but as you can see, it is rather flat.’
‘Mmm, you need to get some steam on it,’ said Lizzie. ‘Then it’ll knock back into shape.’
That night as Alice lay in bed with the full uniform hanging on the wall at the bottom of her bed and Victoria sleeping soundly in her crib, she looked from one to the other, and her stomach tightened. The thoughts of ‘baby, uniform, nurse, mother’ whirled in her head, and even though she was dog tired, she couldn’t sleep. It felt as if her mind was still fighting with itself. And then other thoughts, triggered by the dark grey of the probationer uniform, started to creep in. Snatches of memory: crying in the sluice, nausea, feeling that at any moment she would be found out, disgraced. Her head was so jumbled and troubled it felt like the bed was starting to spin.
‘For goodness’ sake, Alice,’ she cried, sitting up in bed. ‘You need to sort yourself out.’ Then she gave herself a good talking to for a full five minutes, at the end of which, yes, she felt troubled about leaving her daughter, but she knew it was the best thing. What’s more, something that she hadn’t truly believed was possible was now within her reach, and they’d have the benefit of extra money and security and Victoria would have a mother who was a role model and an independent woman. Of course it wouldn’t be easy to return to the wards – she’d need to face her demons from the first time around for a start, and the work would be hard and demanding, and she dreaded having to contend with Sister Law again. But overriding all this was the certainty that she needed to go back, to make something of herself, to prove that she could do it, that she could be a good nurse.
‘Remember, Alice,’ she murmured to herself as she snuggled down in bed, feeling sleepy at last, ‘how excited you were those first few weeks of your training, how you wanted to be the best nurse that Liverpool Royal had ever seen … well, now’s your chance. And you need to get to sleep because you start back in two days’ time.’
As Alice walked away from the front door that first morning back to work, she felt as if something inside her was tearing apart. She’d left Victoria sleeping peacefully in her crib, Marie right there in the kitchen watching over her, but somehow, it just didn’t feel enough.
What’s more, she felt strange in the district nurse’s cape and hat, like a fraud, some imposter forcing herself to adopt a role. She had to make herself walk quickly, but her steps were heavy and her heart felt broken. She’d cried after feeding Victoria, feeling ridiculous – most of the working women she knew had to leave their children and go out to work. And not only that, she was privileged to be given a second chance to complete her training, and so lucky that she had Marie who would care for Victoria. She knew all of this in her head, but as she walked, her body was yearning to be back in the warm kitchen, with the baby sleeping in her crib by the fire.
Glancing back before she exited the alley, Alice saw the cat, Hugo, trotting after her. ‘Where do you think you’re going? Shoo, shoo,’ she said, feeling irritated, wafting her hand at him. Then she started to giggle, despite herself. ‘Get back to the kitchen. You’re supposed to be a lazy good-for-nothing, not a cat that will follow someone to work.’ The cat stopped for a few moments, staring at her, his white-tipped tail flicking from side to side as he weighed up his options. Then he turned and trotted back.
It made her feel better somehow, to know that Hugo was returning to the house. He was part of the cosy kitchen routine that she shared with Victoria and Marie every morning. She wanted him to be there, lying in front of the fire, in his rightful place.
Alice still felt cautious as she stepped out of the alley, but when she was sure that no one was lurking, she continued out on to Lime Street. The ache still throbbed inside her as she moved further away from her baby, but now she actively made herself think about what ward she might be working on and what she might be asked to do on this, her first day back.
Preoccupied with her thoughts, she instinctively found her way through the streets and, in what seemed like hardly any time at all, she was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to the Nurses’ Home and Training School.
Looking up to the heavy wooden door, she felt a flutter of nerves or excitement, she wasn’t sure which. But then she had a sense of Maud and Eddy, right there with her, and it gave her a warm feeling. She could even hear Maud’s voice: ‘Come on, Alice, let’s get started.’ It was uncanny, Maud didn’t even know that she was going back to work, yet just seeing the grand building which housed so many memories made her presence feel immediate.
‘Come on then, Alice,’ she muttered to herself. ‘You can’t stand here looking at the door all day, get yourself up those steps.’
She had been told in the letter that Miss Houston had sent to report to Miss Merryweather, and as she stepped through the door and stood on the coloured floor tiles of the entrance, a door to the left clicked open and the superintendent appeared, wearing a large bonnet.
‘Good morning, Nurse Sampson, good to see you back,’ she said warmly.
Alice found herself blushing and it was difficult to look the superintendent in the eye. Although she’d always felt comfortable talking to Miss Houston about the baby, she was hoping that Miss Merryweather wouldn’t start asking any awkward questions.
As soon as the superintendent spoke again, Alice knew that she had no need to worry, about that at least. ‘You will be stationed on Male Surgical with Sister Law for the first few weeks. I hope that meets with your approval.’
‘Yes,’ murmured Alice, trying to stay calm. She knew it could have been worse – she could have been given Sister Fox – but all she could hear, in that moment, was Sister Law’s voice, calling through the sluice door: ‘Where is Nurse Sampson, that wretched girl …’
Alice could see Miss Merryweather looking at her with some concern, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. She suddenly felt blurry and mixed up as she stood there with the superintendent’s bright gaze upon her. She wasn’t sure if coming back to work was going to be the right thing after all.
‘Nurse Sampson?’ said Miss Merryweather.
‘Yes,’ said Alice, knowing that she needed to pay attention.
‘You seem a bit distracted, overwhelmed. Do you want to sit down for a few moments?’
‘No, thank you, Miss Merryweather,’ said Alice, trying to smile.
‘Well, just come with me into the light. I know that today is a big day for you.’ The superintendent led the way into the open space of the building. ‘Let’s just take a few moments before you get back into the thick of it. I like to gaze up to the skylight: it calms me, gives me focus. I often used to share these moments with your friend, Nurse Maud Linklater …’
Ah, there she is again, thought Alice, she’s definitely with me this morning. Gazing up to the skylight wasn’t for Alice – she had too much on her mind for that and she would have preferred to go straight to the ward – but she stood politely beside Miss Merryweather for a few moments. She found herself looking up to the first-floor gallery, where she had lived with Maud and Eddy last year, and it made her think of the final time she’d descended those stone stairs with her bag packed and Maud beside her, not knowing if she’d ever come back in here again. How sad she’d been to leave her small room up there on the first gallery, next to Eddy’s. How anxious she’d been about the baby. She had felt desolate that day. Lost.
‘Well, now I’m back,’ she murmured to herself, lookin
g down to the dark grey uniform that fitted her properly this time around. ‘And I’m going to do the best that I can.’
‘Are you ready?’ said Miss Merryweather, glancing sideways, her eyes gleaming.
Alice couldn’t be sure, but she felt that the superintendent had known, in some way, what she needed to do that first morning and she’d stood there just long enough for it to happen.
‘I’m ready,’ she said.
And even though her legs felt a bit weak as she began to move, she did feel ready now to face Sister Law on the ward, or anybody else for that matter.
Miss Merryweather was walking briskly towards the front door. ‘Remove your cape and hat,’ she said. ‘Hang them here on these pegs by the door, then you can pick them up when you’re finished on the ward and you’re ready to make your way back to your accommodation in the city.’
Alice did as instructed and then Miss Merryweather pointed to a starched cap that was freshly laundered, waiting on the shelf above the coat pegs. ‘This is for you, Nurse Sampson,’ she said, standing on tiptoe to remove it from the shelf. ‘I folded it myself.’
‘Thank you, it’s perfect,’ said Alice, having never seen such a beautiful cap before. Not even Maud could have folded it like that.
‘Oh, it’s not just down to me,’ Miss Merryweather said. ‘We have a new laundress for the uniforms, a woman called Dolly, someone who Miss Houston knew from the war. She’s an absolute marvel.’
Alice pinned the cap in place and then Miss Merryweather straightened it for her. ‘Remove it when you come back each day and leave it here, on the shelf. No one will disturb it, but if it does go missing make your way to the laundry and ask Dolly for a fresh one. She’ll be able to provide you with clean aprons as well. I’ve told her that you’ve had to take some time off for a “delicate matter” and you’ve come back to finish your training.’
Alice felt herself flushing pink to the roots of her hair as she followed along behind Miss Merryweather. Somehow it felt worse, to have her situation alluded to in that way. But when she repeated ‘delicate matter’ in her head, it made her start to smile. There was absolutely nothing delicate about giving birth and then scrubbing floors and washing clothes for a living. Nothing delicate at all.
The superintendent was out through the door now, setting quite a pace. Alice needed to run down the steps to catch her up. As soon as they were through the door of the hospital, Miss Merryweather stopped short and Alice nearly ploughed into the back of her.
‘I’m just going along to check on the orderlies and then I’ll be doing my rounds,’ she said, turning on her heel and looking Alice up and down. Then, fixing her with a bright stare, ‘You do remember how to find the ward, don’t you, Nurse Sampson?’ she said.
And in that moment, as Alice stood there, she didn’t know if she remembered or not, but she nodded anyway. ‘Yes, thank you, Miss Merryweather.’
‘You will feel strange today, Nurse Sampson,’ said the superintendent as she walked away. ‘But all you need to do is get on with the work.’
Alice opened her mouth to speak but no words would come and her mouth felt dry. She had to force herself to move, to walk towards the ward, and she could feel her heart starting to pound. What if she’d forgotten everything she’d ever learnt? What if she was useless?
As soon as she was through the door of the ward, Alice could hear Sister Law shouting: ‘Nurse Bradshaw, did I or did I not tell you to attend to that patient? Look, he’s getting out of bed. Go there, now! Hurry up.’
The ward – packed with beds down each side, noisy with patients calling out and nurses flitting up and down – was just as she’d left it. But seeing it afresh took her breath away. She’d forgotten how chaotic it was. Her life at Stella’s seemed leisurely in comparison. And then she saw Sister Law steaming down the ward towards her, the white starched cap knotted tightly beneath her ample chin.
‘Uh oh, here we go,’ she murmured to herself, feeling like a target as Sister moved swiftly in her direction. It’s best to stand still, she thought, and take what’s coming. It was, as always, impossible to read Sister’s expression. Yet seeing her, just as she’d left her all those months ago, made Alice begin to feel that she hadn’t really missed much at all. Things were the same here, and this was, somehow, reassuring.
‘Ah, Nurse Sampson,’ said Sister, her eyes narrowing as she looked Alice up and down, ‘you have returned to the fold.’
Alice nodded and tried to smile but her mouth was still a bit dry so she couldn’t speak.
‘Well, you’ve lost some weight, I can see that. But you are still pale and your cap is still limp, so no change there, then.’
Alice knew that her cap wasn’t limp – it had been specially laundered by the new laundress and folded by Miss Merryweather herself – but if Sister Law said it was limp, it was limp.
‘Right, Nurse, let’s get you started … Go and join Nurse Langtry at bed three. I believe she needs some help with her patient – she’s been trying to apply leeches there for quite some time.’
Alice looked across to Nurse Langtry’s wiry figure bent over her task, and for some reason, seeing the severe parting of her dark hair peeking out from under her neat cap, she felt a moment of tenderness. She knew that, almost certainly, Millicent had been the one to keep Nancy Sellers informed of everything that was going on, but Alice found it hard to believe that she’d done so intentionally. She might be proved wrong, but it seemed to Alice in that moment that Millicent always appeared to mean well … However, the way she was fiddling around with those leeches, it looked like she’d never get them ready to apply.
Just as Alice started to move towards Millicent she heard Sister Law’s voice: ‘Go on, Nurse Sampson, get moving. As you can see, we’re as busy as ever on Male Surgical.’
Sister’s voice put Alice on edge and she could see, hear and smell just how busy the ward was. And even though bed three and Nurse Langtry were only across the way, for some reason she was momentarily lost in a whirl. The smell of wounds and the noise of the patients calling out seemed like an affront.
One patient was crying, and then she heard the sound of some poor man vomiting.
That really knocked her, taking her straight back to morning sickness and all the occasions when she’d had to rush to the ward sluice to puke.
‘Nurse Sampson!’ yelled Sister Law from the other end of the ward. ‘Did I or did I not tell you to go to bed three?’
That was it, the spell was broken, something reconnected in Alice’s head and she was at last able to move. Taking deep breaths as she strode towards Nurse Langtry, she forced herself to focus.
‘Do you want me to do that, Nurse Langtry?’ she asked, seeing how Millicent was struggling to fish one of the leeches out of a pot.
‘Oh, Alice, Nurse Sampson,’ she said, looking like someone had just given her an almighty shock. ‘Well, I’ve been trying to do this for ages, but I can’t seem to be able to get them out of the pot. They keep slipping away from me. We need to fix them to this patient’s instep, but as you can see …’
‘Let me help,’ said Alice, immediately taking the forceps and grasping the first leech before Nurse Langtry had even finished trying to explain.
‘This patient has been very poorly, haven’t you, Mr Thomson?’ said Nurse Langtry, moving to stand at the head of the bed.
I expect he has, thought Alice, given that he’s in a hospital ward.
‘And he’s had a very bad night, haven’t you, Mr Thomson?’ Nurse Langtry continued, laying a hand on the man’s forehead. ‘I think you might have a bit of a fever,’ she said. ‘I’ll just go and get a damp cloth to cool you down.’
‘Where’s she going?’ said Mr Thomson, looking at Alice, his eyes wide. ‘She’s supposed to be applying some leeches to the instep of my foot. There’s a problem with my circulation, I’m in danger of losing me bloody leg ’ere.’
‘She’ll be back,’ Alice reassured him, glancing after Millicent as she made her way
slowly up the ward towards the sluice. ‘And in the meantime, I’ve got the leeches ready here. Do you want me to apply them?’
‘Yes, just get on with it, will ye?’ said Mr Thomson.
Alice had the job done before Nurse Langtry arrived back with a cloth and a bowl of water. Once she’d checked that the leeches were securely attached, she watched Millicent go to the head of the bed, immerse the cloth in the water and then slowly squeeze it out before placing it on the man’s forehead. Alice could see that it was still fairly saturated with water.
‘What the blazes are you doing, Nurse?’ shouted Mr Thomson, grabbing the cloth and throwing it to the floor and then waving away any attempt at further ministration. ‘I’m not dying and I’m not overly hot. I’ve got a problem with me leg, that’s all. You’ve got the wrong patient.’
Alice felt a bit sorry for Millicent as she slowly picked up the cloth from the floor and walked away from the bed. She went after her, thinking that she might be upset, but Millicent appeared unperturbed. She was already stopping by another bed with her bowl of water. It seemed that she was simply looking for another patient who might need to have his forehead wiped.
‘Oh my,’ muttered Alice under her breath. ‘I think there’s much more important work to be done here. I need to find someone who works in the same way that I do.’
‘Right, come with me,’ said Sister Law, striding past. ‘There are many beds to be stripped and changed at the top end of the ward. Let’s get you back into the work, Nurse Sampson, well and truly back into the work.’
‘Yes, Sister,’ said Alice with a wry smile. She hadn’t thought that she’d end up working with Sister Law on her first day back, but even that felt appealing compared to trotting around after Millicent with her damp flannel.
Alice felt surprisingly alive as she left the ward at the end of the day. After a slow start she’d got back into the work, and once she was with the patients, trying to do what she could for them, she hadn’t been able to worry about anything else. Inevitably she’d thought about Victoria, and she’d had moments when she felt as if a part of her was missing. She’d had to take a deep breath and tell herself that she needed to do this. Finishing her training was the only way that she would have any future for her and the baby, so she might as well get on and make the best of it.
