Secret Nanny Club

by Mackle, Marisa

  Sometimes there wasn’t even time to fish the plastic bag from my pocket and I had to throw up over the nearest wall or into the nearest bush. Now that was toe-curlingly embarrassing, especially around Christmas time when I’m sure passers-by thought I’d had one too many the night before and tut-tutted to themselves as they hurried on by.

  Some women say they bloom during pregnancy and this girl behind the counter was obviously a very good example of that, but I personally found the whole experience

  blooming awful to be quite honest. I slept approximately two to three hours a night throughout the entire duration. My baby’s head was in an awkward position underneath

  my ribcage which made it really uncomfortable for me to sleep. I had constant hiccups too, and awful heartburn.

  Also, why don’t they tell you about having to wee every five minutes? I used to look in the mirror and not recognise the creature looking back at myself (well, I still do). A couple of months into the pregnancy I remember thinking I looked like Garfield’s sister. My bloated face was huge and I couldn’t blame that on the pregnancy, could I? The baby grows nowhere near the face! I’d put on so much weight even my pregnancy clothes didn’t fit towards the end.

  They say you forget all about your pregnancy after you give birth, but don’t believe all you hear. You so don’t forget. Yes, I’m the happiest, proudest mother on earth but I would have preferred to find my baby under a cabbage like my mother found me, apparently.

  I met an old man recently in the park who admired my little boy and asked his age.

  “Just over six months,” I said.

  “Time for another one?” he suggested with a twinkle in his eye.

  I shuddered involuntarily. “God, no. No chance of that.”

  As soon as I’d said it I regretted it. The man seemed shocked by my firm answer. I almost went on to explain how I’d remained celibate since my child’s conception but thought better of it. Sometimes there’s such a thing as too much information. Which brings me to my point.

  My point is that pregnancy is a very private experience, when your body becomes a safe house for a growing life. Once you conceive, this little life takes over, disrupting your sleep, your social life, your sex life, your career, everything basically. It’s not easy but you just let nature take over. If you’re like me you go into hibernation for a while, nesting, as you figure out how to prepare for your whole life to turn upside down as it inevitably will.

  But although it’s a private, personal experience, everyone else seems to think it’s very much their business. Even strangers in the street. I remember being in one baby shop and the assistant asked me whether I’d had a vaginal delivery or a Caesarean in a really loud voice. Now maybe I’m a little more conservative than most people but I honestly don’t think people that you’ve just met should be asking you those kinds of questions.

  I tossed in the bed, yawning loudly. It had been a long, sleepless night. John had cried and cried and cried. I had cried too from exhaustion and from the sheer helplessness I felt at not being able to help him. I couldn’t bear to think of my little angel being in pain from his teeth.

  His two little cheeks were flushed bright red and he also had nappy rash. I bathed him several times during the night and I drank coffee to keep me awake as he chomped his gums on the bottle.

  In the morning I woke with a sudden jolt. I had an appointment somewhere but I couldn’t think where. Then it suddenly hit me. Oh yes, Tanya was coming around. God, the mysterious Tanya. I wondered what on earth she wanted. I could hardly bear the suspense!

  Even though I was dog-tired and John was cross and cranky, I still made an effort to look somewhat normal for Tanya’s visit. I even found myself putting on makeup – something I don’t really get around to doing these days. I also half-heartedly brushed my mane of long hair and applied a coat of lipstick.

  She was bang on time. I opened the door and welcomed her in. She was all smiles and fresh-looking in a crisp white shirt, fitted denim jacket, beige slim-fit trousers and black patent high heels. She sat down on my couch, after having bent down to give John a kiss in his cot, and then refused my offer of a cup of tea or coffee.

  “Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll have a coffee myself,” I said. “We didn’t get much sleep here all night. Teething.”

  Tanya nodded sagely. “Bonjela.”

  “I know.”

  “And lots of it. You sit down and put your feet up. I’ll make the coffee. I have the rest of the day off.”

  “Well, if you’re sure. I think I will. I just take it black, thank you. The instant will do.”

  I sank into my couch gratefully for the first time that morning and took a deep breath. I felt more relaxed now.

  Even John was smiling. He seemed to like Tanya. She was much friendlier today and seemed to have lost that hunted look she’d had about her last night. She was back in a jiffy with a large mug of coffee. She sat down beside me and crossed her long legs.

  “I’m sure you’re wondering why I am here,” she said almost casually.

  “Well, I had been wondering . . .” I trailed off, watching her with interest. She was terribly slim and tall with high cheekbones and long dark lashes. Her hair which was platinum blonde was almost certainly natural. If I didn’t know better I could have sworn she was a top model.

  “I need to leave my employer, Joanne, as soon as possible.”

  “Oh?” I sat up straight and wide-eyed.

  “Yes, it’s very urgent. I need to get away from her and her family. I don’t like living there. Actually, that is an understatement. I hate living there. This is my first day off in three weeks even though I’m supposed to have a day off every week.”

  I sat up straight. “Only one?”

  “Yes. Sundays. But every Sunday there is something.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Tanya turned her palms to the ceiling. “Well, there’s always some excuse. Like last Sunday one of the children was sick so Joanne asked me to stay at home and mind him when she took her daughter into town shopping. The week before there was a christening down the country and they said I had to go to help them mind the children. I shared a triple hotel room with the kids. There is always something. They treat me like a slave.”

  “That’s outrageous,” I said, feeling genuinely shocked.

  “You should have two days off every week. That’s standard.”

  “I know. That’s what they say at the Secret Nanny Club.”

  “The what?”

  “It’s an online club where all of us nannies exchange horror stories. Even though my job is awful it’s not as bad as some others. You would be shocked at what goes on in this country.”

  I raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to hear more. However, I found myself leaning towards Tanya quizzically.

  She lowered her voice dramatically, her pupils dilating as she continued, “One girl I know worked for two accountants and their kids. They were nudists and took the girl to a nudist colony for two weeks in Greece. She didn’t have to take off all her clothes but they used to force her to pay volleyball with them when they were naked and then sit down with them and have picnics. She didn’t know where to look.”

  “No way.”

  “Oh, yes! And another girl discovered a secret camera in her shower room where somebody was watching her washing herself. It turned out to be the children’s father!”

  “What? You are joking!”

  “I certainly am not. And do you know something else? Another girl’s passport was taken from her and locked in the family safe so she could not go home until her full year was up.”

  “I’m sure it must be illegal to do that!” I found myself gasping. “Are you sure all these stories are actually true?”

  “Well, of course I am not one-hundred-per-cent sure,” said Tanya with a shrug. “And I have no proof. But why would people tell lies? I have shocking stories of my own after all! I tell them about Joanne and her husband Willie. Wil
lie walks around naked except for socks and a purple G-string.”

  “A G-string?” I was shocked and suddenly I didn’t want that image in my head. How would I ever look him in the eye again?

  “Yes, he always wears G-strings. He even has a leopard print one. It’s disgusting.”

  I put my hands to my ears. “Enough!”

  “I have to leave that house before I lose my mind,” Tanya urged. “You need to rescue me. Joanne has me working day and night – even on my hands and knees scrubbing!”

  I shook my head. “I can’t believe anyone would be that uncaring. I mean, she never struck me as a particularly warm person but – but really, that kind of behaviour is selfish and even cruel.”

  “Listen,” said Tanya, gazing at me with huge imploring eyes. “I know you don’t know me and I’m forcing myself into your home here. But I heard you say last night that you don’t have childcare and that you need it. I am not looking for much money and I work very hard.”

  I gulped. This had all come about so suddenly. “Well, it is true that I –”

  “Can you please give me a chance? I promise I won’t let you down and I will keep your place so clean you will be able to eat off the floor. You can trust me to look after John safely when you are in work. I really need to stay here and learn English so I can be a translator and earn a good wage and be happy. I can’t afford to pay rent somewhere and I need to save money. Please consider me. If you hate me you can fire me after a week.”

  I said nothing for a few seconds, waiting for all of this to sink in. Tanya did seem like a nice girl and I had no doubt she was a hard worker. She seemed to have had a very rough time working for Joanne and her husband. To think people like them could get away with treating

  a poor foreign girl like that! I worried that if I took Tanya on it would be very awkward at the next book club meeting. The other ladies would be curious to know whether I had found the right au pair. I would probably have to choose between Tanya and the book club. I decided that I would cross that path when I came to it. I didn’t want to lie to anybody, especially not Joanne. I fiddled with the ring on my little finger. Okay, so what did I have to lose? Well, nothing really (except the book club). It was a bit of a no-brainer when I thought about it. After all, I was looking for somebody to mind John and Tanya was looking for a live-in au pair job. I had everything to gain, hadn’t I? I took a deep breath and then stood up.

  “Okay, come on then, I’ll show you the spare room. I hope you like it.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I found myself sitting in Sheelagh’s homely kitchen the following morning having tea and a freshly baked muffin. I couldn’t wait to tell her all my news. Sheelagh was such a good listener and her house was so cosy, warm and welcoming. She was predictably shocked when I told her that Samira had left suddenly, and that I already had moved in a new au pair.

  “That quickly?” she asked, all agog.

  “Yes, I know! Can you believe it? Probably not. I can hardly get my own head around it myself. The whole thing is very surreal. You couldn’t make it up.”

  “So what’s this new girl like then?”

  “Okay, where do I start?” I was delighted to have somebody else to talk to. Sheelagh was in the same boat as myself being a single mum, and unless you’re one yourself it’s hard to imagine how difficult it is coping on your own. “Tanya is from the Ukraine and she is absolutely stunning. I don’t know why she wants to be an au pair to be honest. She should be on the screen. But she’s lovely and I’m sure she’ll be kind to John.”

  “We must introduce her to Claudine.”

  “Yes, I do hope they can meet up and become friends. It’s a shame that Claudine and Samira didn’t get to become friends, but hey, such is life . . .”

  The door opened at that minute. In came Claudine with little Lisa, who looked as cute as a button, in her arms. She came straight over to me and air-kissed both my cheeks.

  “It is so nice to see you again, Kaylah. Your hair is lovely. Did you get it done?”

  Actually I had just got it blow-dried and I was delighted that somebody had noticed. Now that Tanya was there I could start doing ‘me’ things again.

  “Thanks for noticing, Claudine. I actually got it done this morning to give me a bit of a lift. It’s not like I’m even going out anywhere to show off my blow-dry.”

  Sheelagh sighed and ran a hand through her own curly hair. “You’re making me feel guilty. I really should do something with my unruly locks. I might treat myself on my birthday.”

  “When’s that?”

  “Next Monday. Actually, speaking about my birthday, I was thinking of going out for a couple of drinks. Would you be interested in joining me?”

  “Of course!” I brightened. That sounded like a good idea. It seemed like ages since I’d gone out anywhere besides the book club.

  “Excellent! I was thinking of Finnegan’s in Dalkey? I haven’t been there in ages and it’s one of my favourite pubs. I’ll rope in a few of the girls. Does Saturday week suit?”

  “Yes, that sounds great. I’ll need to ask my mum to baby-sit though because I give Tanya the weekends off.”

  Sheelagh gave a little sigh. “You’re lucky to have your mum to help out.”

  I found myself shifting a little uneasily in my seat. I didn’t like to probe but I wondered if Sheelagh’s parents were still alive. She had never mentioned them.

  “Mum’s okay,” I said, “and I’m very grateful for her help.” I wasn’t about to tell her how I had to flee my mother’s house during my pregnancy after the ‘illegitimacy’ slur.

  At this point Claudine excused herself, saying she felt that Lisa could do with a nap. I accepted another cup of tea from Sheelagh and sank back into my cushioned seat.

  “Were you always close to your mother?” Sheelagh asked.

  “Truthfully, no,” I admitted. “But I had a happy enough childhood. My father lost his labouring job through injury when I was a kid and my mother got a nursing position in a hospital in another part of the city which meant we had to move and I had to leave the school that I attended. That was hard, you know, saying goodbye to all my friends. My parents sold our nice house and we rented another house near her work which wasn’t as nice, and myself and my sister found it quite difficult to make new friends in our new school. I just threw myself into my studies then and got enough points to study science at UCD.”

  “Is your father still alive?”

  “Sadly he passed away five years ago. I miss him every day. I chat to him late at night and I hope he’s up there listening to me. I believe that he is always looking out for me. I would have loved him to meet little John. John looks a bit like him. He has the same big brown eyes.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  “Thanks . . . and how about you? Are your parents around?”

  “I don’t know,” said Sheelagh matter of factly. “I know that sounds strange but I haven’t had any contact with them for two years now. I presume somebody would have contacted me if they were dead, but I honestly don’t know where they are or what they’re doing. Nobody has been in touch and I’m an only child.”

  I was completely stunned by her answer. I looked at her and suddenly she looked different. The bubbly smile had disappeared and I could see the sadness etched in her eyes.

  “Sorry,” she said. “I’m sure you find that shocking, but I was left with no choice. My mother abused me all her life and my father was an enabler. I was fond of my dad like you were of yours but he turned a blind eye to the abuse and he’s devoted to my mum so when I went no-contact on her, I had to include him too. Sad, I suppose, but I’ve moved on now.”

  “No contact at all?” I said in a small voice as I tried to imagine no contact whatsoever with my mother. For all the friction there was often between us, I think I would be lost!

  “No contact at all. No birthday cards, Christmas cards, phone calls or texts. No nothing. I never even told her that she has a granddaughter.”


  “That’s very sad.”

  “It’s sad but you reap what you sow. She beat me every day of my childhood so she can’t expect me to forgive and forget. It’s not simple to just banish painful memories like that. The beatings stopped when I was sixteen but the verbal abuse, the constant put-downs and

  the belittling comments continued right up until my mid-thirties. But I’m in therapy now and things are getting better.”

  I sipped my tea. Sheelagh had knocked me for six. For such a bright, friendly woman, she seemed to have endured a rotten past. You never knew with people, did you?

  “My friend, Sally, once went no-contact with an ex of hers,” I said. “He dumped her on a whim and instead of trying to win him back or get answers from him or obsessing over him like she’d done with other boyfriends, she just deleted his number, and blanked him every time she saw him. She wouldn’t respond to any form of contact with him and even blocked him on Facebook. It really worked I have to say. He came crawling back.”

  Sheelagh grimaced. “But I’m not doing this to win my mother back or to have her crawling back or whatever. This isn’t a game unfortunately. I don’t want her in my life telling me I’m not a good mother and that I couldn’t hold onto my husband, because that’s exactly what she would say. I was never good enough and I wasn’t allowed have an opinion of my own. My feelings were always simply dismissed. I had to let her go, to save myself. You can never change a narcissist and it’s a waste of time to even try.”

  “Wow, and I thought I had an overbearing mother. I mean, mine can be an awful pain and downright nasty sometimes but I couldn’t imagine just shutting her out of my life like that. My sister, Ger, doesn’t have much to do with my mum though – she just gets on with her own life.”

  There was a pause for a while. Not a prolonged pause, but a pause as we both dwelled on our own thoughts. Then Sheelagh spoke up again. “You know, I’m sure most people couldn’t imagine just cutting a family member completely out of their life, but it is an awful shock when you finally realise your mother doesn’t love you and never did.” She said this with no kind of bitterness whatsoever. There was just a resigned acceptance about her situation.