by Hart, A.
“Yeah.” I said in a hushed tone. “I don’t know how or why I finally found you, Meg, but I thank God.” Her lips parted a little, and I could see her breathing heavily.
I wanted to grab her, to touch her, but before I could, she swiftly turned on her toes and then walked to a desk where she signed a couple of papers. I couldn’t help but watch the familiar way her body moved. I had loved Megan for as long as I can remember. As I finished my mocha and silently watched her hustle about, ignoring me, I remembered the first time I realized I loved her.
It was my eighth birthday. I was getting better at soccer during recess and seemed to be making more friends. Girls often brought me dandelions and left notes for me saying that I was cute. I always shrugged it off because . . . cooties! I guess girls were pretty and all, but I just wanted to play and run. My best friend was a girl, Megan. She was the prettiest girl, but that’s not why I liked her. I was her friend because she was nice and she didn’t care if she got dirty at recess. She liked to play and run too. Other girls would cry if they got their clothes muddy, but not Meg. She would laugh.
I had invited the whole class to my party, and I wasn’t surprised that everyone seemed to show. Megan was great, but for some reason the other kids picked on her. She sometimes wore funny clothes or ones that were too big. She was often late for school and didn’t usually have much lunch. Sometimes she came to school dirty, but I didn’t care because we just played soccer and got dirty anyway. The kids in class started calling her stinky and I hated it. I punched Billy in the face a week ago for it. At first, my parents were mad, but when I told them why, they didn’t seem to care anymore.
Megan started spending the night almost every weekend, sometimes on weekdays, too. The kids in class found out and started saying that Megan had cooties. She was here at my party. My mom dressed her in a pretty blue dress with sunflowers on it and a big yellow bow in her hair. I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.
It was time for my piñata and I was so excited because my dad had filled it with my favorite candies and baseball cards. Megan stood in the corner by my mom. I ran over to her. “Hey come do piñata!”
She shook her head, and then the other kids started saying, “Stinky Cootie girl is a scaredy-cat.” I gritted my teeth and turned around to yell at the losers, but my Mom’s hand landed on my shoulder.
“If you have nothing nice, say nothing at all, kids.”
Megan whispered, “Its fine, go have fun.” She smiled lightly as my mom placed her arm around Megan. I frowned and then nodded. When I finally burst open the piñata, I grabbed my bag and began looking for what I wanted.
Suddenly, all the kids began flying over and collecting items off the ground. A couple even pushed me out of the way and grabbed things out of my hand. I started to panic and felt like I might cry when I looked to my right to see Megan. She was pushing kids out of the way around me and grabbing everything off the ground near her. She ignored them calling her names and just kept moving. She filled her bag to the very top. I felt so defeated. I had absolutely nothing in my bag. The other kids took everything. I pouted inwardly as the other kids ran to where my Dad announced the bouncy house was open.
Megan walked up to me with her full bag, and I tried not to frown. “Nice job,” I said with a shaky voice. Dad would tell me to be a good sport.
Megan smiled shyly and held up the bag. “I think I got your favorite player in here.” She placed it in my hands and then lightly kissed my cheek. “Happy Birthday, SJ.” My heart was beating out of my chest. I can’t believe she did that for me. I love her.
I smiled up at her, at the memory. She walked towards me, and as proof that I still affected her, her cheeks pinked. She stopped walking about two feet from me. “So—” She began, but I cut her off, grabbing her elbow and pulling her body flush to mine.
It was like we didn’t spend eight years apart, like time never passed between us, and she reacted as she always had. She just let me hold her. Sitting there with my arms wrapped tightly around her felt right, it felt like home. And only in that moment did I truly realize how homesick I had been. I lightly brushed my knuckle down her cheek and was pleased with myself when her blush traveled down her neck.
Megan’s eyes darted up to mine and she swallowed hard. “Why are you smiling like that?” She asked quietly.
I licked my lips. “Remember my eighth birthday?”
She frowned. “Yeah, those kids were jerks.”
I nodded. “I was just thinking what I thought that day.”
She tilted her head. “Thought about what?”
I smiled again. “About you.” She bit her lip and looked down. I chuckled and lightly brushed my lips on her forehead. I was pleased when she didn’t go stiff in my arms, but instead melted just a little, just like she always had. Her in my arms. God, it felt good to be home.
I looked down at her grey eyes. “So, Travis doesn’t live with you?” Her face went blank. “No, but he used to. Why?”
He used to? Did they used to be an item? Did they break up? I licked my lips, trying to figure out how to ask my questions correctly. “You used to be an item?”
Her face twisted a little. “What?”
I grabbed my drink from the counter next to me and took a sip. The caffeine buzzed through my veins and acted as a familiar comfort. “Travis. He used to live with you, were you an item?”
She shook her head, and I could tell that I was making her angry “Not that it is any of your business, SJ, but no . . . ” I didn’t like her hesitation. “We’re just friends. He was just helping me out after . . . uh . . . Lotte’s dad, Charles—My husband, he was Travis’s best friend.”
I placed my hand lightly on hers and nodded. “Got it.” I smiled shyly, followed by a sigh. “I really am so sorry, Pumpkin.”
Her face went from angry to solemn. She nodded, then bit her lip and looked up at me. “So how long have you known? About uh . . . me being a widow and a mom?”
I rubbed my hands up and down her arms as her hands rested on my chest. This was something we used to do often, and it felt good to finally be back here with her.
I shrugged. “Morning of the fire station tour.”
She nodded. “I guess the name could’ve looked bad if you didn’t know, huh? Since we uh . . . we . . . the other night at the bar.”
I smiled and then brushed my lips lightly on hers as I said, “Kissed.”
She stilled, but only for a moment and then nodded. “Yeah.” Her voice was shaky. I can’t lie and say I didn’t like that I affected her.
I shrugged. “Yeah, but I did know. I understand. And yes, I saw the paper, but I didn’t want to sound like a stalker.” Her eyes pinned me with a look I couldn’t quite read.
I lightly brushed her hand with my thumb. “So, Pumpkin.”
“Megan,” She argued.
I ignored her. “So, Pumpkin, how about a date?”
She stepped back a little. “A date?”
I laughed. “Yes.”
She took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest. “SJ, I’m glad I got to see you again—I am—and I’m glad you’re well, and I can’t say I don’t find you attractive or that I didn’t miss you and . . . ” I was happy with myself when she avoided my eyes. I made her nervous. Good. “You look good,” She said hoarsely.
I chuckled. “So do you.”
She cleared her throat. “But I can’t say I can date you, either.” That got me just a little. What was she doing here? I’d loved her my entire life. I waited eight years to find her. She loved me, I knew she did since we were seven.
“What can you say, sweetheart?” I said it with a little more venom than I wanted, and I could tell by her body posture that she sensed it. She stopped and looked dead at me. Whoa, that was a dangerous look. Her little hands went into fists by her side and she stood like she was ready for battle. There’s my girl. I smiled lightly to myself as she began.
“I can say that I am a widow who lost the l
ove of my life.” Ouch, that shouldn’t hurt, but it did. “I can say that I have a two-year-old daughter who depends on me every day. I can say that I teach kindergarten full-time and can still barely provide for my daughter, so I work for my dead husband’s Aunt at night so I can stay upstairs and give my daughter a home.” She took a deep, shaky breath, and I had to stop myself from picking her up in my arms and soothing her.
“I can say that I’m utterly confused about my feelings for you, I can say that although I missed you, although you were my best friend, the sparks between us scare the shit out of me, because you know what, SJ?” I just stood and let her get it all out. The words stung, but this wouldn’t be the first time her words wounded me. “The last person I had those sparks with left me! He left me with our daughter, his friends, his family, everything his and nothing truly mine. He left me here, SJ! Alone, and I’m fucking terrified!”
All I wanted in that moment was to soothe her. I stepped closer to her, but she stepped back, raising her hand in protest. What she said next is what finally broke my heart into a million pieces. Her voice was shaky and low.
“I left you. How could you forgive me after I did that to you? How am I going to make up for that? How am I going to ever be anything with you after . . . after losing Charles? I can’t, but I can say that I have no idea what in the hell I’m doing! I can say for a fact that I am a mess. If you want anything to do with this”—she motioned to all of her and then glared back at me—“then you are out of your mind.”
Her little body shuddered with rage and she took a ragged breath. I tilted my head, took a deep breath, and then pinned her with my eyes. Her body seemed to still as I slowly closed the distance between us. I put my hands lightly on her hips and lowered my head closer to her. My voice was hoarse as I whispered, “Maybe I’m a little out of my mind, because I want everything to do with this.” I ran my hands lightly up her hips to clarify what “this” meant. I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips and then pulled back. She went still in my arms and stared up at me with wide, wet eyes.
“Nothing you just told me scared me, sweetheart. I forgive you. I was never mad. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried, Pumpkin. God knows, I have tried to stop loving you.” She tensed in my arms, but I needed her to understand, so I just kept whispering in her ear.
“I told you I loved you eight years ago, Meg. I meant it then, and I mean it now. I never stopped. I will never stop.” I placed another light kiss on her lips and then took a couple of steps back, noticing she didn’t fight me off or push me away. That was good. I looked into her eyes, and when I saw a tear slip down her cheek I reached up and wiped it with my thumb.
“Whatever reason why you left, whatever you’re dealing with now? I’m strong enough to stand by your side. I am stronger by your side, Megan. I always have been.” I stepped forward and, unable to resist, I kissed her lightly again, and her lips quivered under me.
“And I think you’re stronger by my side, too. You don’t have to do this alone, you don’t have to do anything alone. I know your demons, Meg. I’ll stare them down for you. I’ll do whatever you need me to, but please . . . God, please do not leave me again. Even if all you want is my friendship—I’ll be that for you. ” She nodded her head, and her shivering body under me broke my heart. Making sure she understood me clearly, I finished with, “It will kill me, Megan, but I don’t care. I will be whatever you need, okay?” I wrapped my arms around her again and squeezed her, feeling her nod into my chest. I held her for a moment, willing her to truly feel how much she meant to me. I wanted to squeeze all the bad away. I would rather be in physical pain than to watch her suffer pain of any kind.
I stepped back and kissed her forehead, and that was physically painful for me, but I knew it was necessary. “Thanks for sharing, Pumpkin. I’ll be around when you’re ready. I wrote my number on that napkin over there.” She nodded, and I quietly slipped out the front door. I stopped and turned at the last second. “Lock this.” She nodded again and did as I asked her. I walked down the dark street to the fire station in deep thought. Time. She just needed time.
Chapter Fifteen
Megan
I took a deep breath and tried to reel myself in. What had just happened? What had I just said? What did I do? I couldn’t even fully remember what I said; it was an out of body experience. I watched myself spew verbal diarrhea everywhere, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I told him things I didn’t want to tell him, things I hadn’t even known myself until I heard them out loud. He loved me? He still loved me? I sighed. Crap, crap, crap. He wasn’t supposed to! He was supposed to forget about me. He was supposed to hate me. Crap. He was supposed to stay far away from me. I was bad, this was bad. I was tainted, and now I was truly, completely, and utterly broken. He said he was strong enough to stand by my side. I knew he was. His strength wasn’t the problem. The problem was how messed up I was, how messed up the whole situation was.
I turned off the downstairs light and began walking upstairs. I screamed and then quickly covered my mouth with my hand, realizing it was only Travis around the corner. I forgot he was still there. Oh, God, what did he hear?
“Travis.” I whispered. “Sorry, you uh . . . scared me.”
His lips twitched softly into a smile, and then he walked up the stairs in front of me.
“Sorry, just checking on you.”
I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. Travis copied me. “Sorry that took so long.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Wasn’t expecting you to have company.”
I looked up at him. “Yeah, me either.”
Travis chewed on his bottom lip and then blurted out, “How do you know him?”
I sighed and then decided to tell him almost everything about Sawyer and me, except I left out all the abuse I endured as a child and the kiss Sawyer and I had shared.
Travis’s brows furrowed. “How did he find you?”
I shrugged. “Says he didn’t, says he tried but gave up years ago. He just ran into me here. He’s been here for two years.”
Travis stood up and placed his hands on his hips. “Like Hell he did. What a fucking coincidence.”
I sighed as I licked my lips. “He wouldn’t lie, Travis, he has family from here.”
Travis snorted. “Yeah, okay.”
I stood up and gently placed my hands on his chest to calm him. He stilled under me and then placed his hands over mine. “It’s okay, Trav. I promise. He’s harmless. He’s a friend . . . he was my best friend.”
Travis shook his head. “I don’t like it, but I’ll believe you . . . for now.” I nodded, understanding his hesitation. Travis gave me a weak smile and then gently brushed his lips on my forehead. I looked up into his concerned eyes. “Can we talk, Meg?” I nodded.
We sat on the couch with his hand wrapped around mine. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t confused about all of this. I love you, Meg, and I love Lotte. I don’t know what that love means, though. I do know that I don’t like other guys around you. I don’t trust them. Not with you. You’re too good, Princess.”
I laughed inwardly. Too Good? Oh God, this is priceless. I couldn’t be with SJ because I wasn’t good enough, and here Travis is thinking that I’m too good for him? Ha!
Travis ignored my outward snort that accidently left my lips and continued, “I don’t think I’m in love with you, Megs, but I love you. I believe I could fall in love with you one day. Look at you, how could I not fall for you?”
I smiled lightly at him, trying to humor him, but argued, “I don’t think that’s how it works, Trav. That’s not how it was with Charles.” Or with SJ. I thought it, but chose not to say it. Instead, I continued, “We didn’t have to try and fall in love, we just did.”
Travis sighed. “Yeah, well, how many of those do you think you get? He may have been it, but I can love you and Lotte, I can give you what you want and need. We can be a family. Charlie wanted that.”
I sh
ook my head, getting angry. “That’s what Charlie wanted?! What do you want, Travis? I sure don’t want your pity. And what about your true love, Travis? I had mine. What about you?” I sighed inwardly at how harsh that sounded.
Travis’s eyes flickered up to mine, and there was something behind them I couldn’t quite read. “I would be with you. You would be mine.”
I stood up quickly, knowing what he meant. He meant he would settle for me, that he would forgo the chance of finding his true love, whom I was almost positive was Sarah. I had already decided that wasn’t what I wanted for either of us, and now was the time to clear the air.
“No, Travis. No. I know you don’t believe in soulmates. I know you don’t believe in true love, but it’s real. And when you find it, you will realize how stupid you’re being.”
Travis rubbed his hands together and followed me with his eyes as I paced the room “I can’t—I won’t let you.”
He sighed. “I don’t think that’s up to you.”
I stopped pacing and pinned him with my eyes. “Like Hell it’s not! We are friends, nothing more. We will never be anything more. You are like a brother to me, Travis, so no! I sure have a say in that.” I lowered my voice on the last statement, realizing I was yelling and Charlotte was asleep just a room away.
Travis looked up at me with a strange look on his face. “It’s him isn’t it?”
I looked at him in confusion. “What?”
He stood up and walked towards me. “This is about him, Sawyer, or SJ, whoever. You said you had sparks for him like you did with Charlie, and it scared you.”
I glared at him. “You eavesdropping, Travis?”
He shrugged. “Kind of hard not to, Princess. Thin walls, and you were yelling.” He had a point. I sighed and my eyes dropped to the floor, only to be returned by his steady hand under my chin. “Look at me, it’s okay.”
“It’s not him, not really. It’s me.”
