by Hart, A.
Travis snorted and then took a step back from me. “Really, Meg, it’s not you, it’s me?”
I shook my head. “Not what I said, I said it’s not him, it’s me.” I took a deep breath and then, trying to get off the subject about why it was me, I blurted out, “I know you and Sarah have a thing.”
He glared at me and, bingo, distraction was a success “You don’t know anything.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Really? I’m pretty sure I know you, Travis.”
He took a step back from me and his jaw ticked. “Is that so? You know me?”
I nodded. “Yes, I know you, and I can see that you and Sarah—”
He cut me off. “Enough!” He pointed at me and then, after a deep breath, he lowered his voice “Enough, Meg. I don’t want to talk to you about this.”
I gritted my teeth “Fine. Then I sure don’t want to talk to you about SJ.”
Travis ran his hand angrily though his light brown hair and then nodded. “Fine.”
After a minute, Travis’s eyes went from hard and angry to soft and sad looking. He slowly walked towards me and gently placed a kiss on my forehead.
“I’m sorry, Travis. I wish it was different, but . . . ”
He sighed. “But it’s not.”
I nodded and responded, “I’m going to lay low for a while, but if you need anything, you call me.” I nodded as Travis placed a kiss on my cheek this time and ducked out of the room. I locked the door behind him and then heard his truck start. My heart ached a little knowing that I wouldn’t see him as often as I was used to. It was already odd not seeing him every day. Now I had a strange feeling he would disappear a little bit more each day until he was just another family member and not my best friend, not Charlotte’s father figure, but instead just her uncle.
Part of me was sad, but part of me was relieved that this part was over. I didn’t want him to settle for the next best thing. Heck, I didn’t want to settle for the next best thing. I was still fighting with myself about whether I would give in to Sawyer or not. Then my mind got stuck on what Travis had said, referring to true love, Yeah, well, how many of those do you think you get? Shit. That was a good question. I always thought one, but now I didn’t know. Maybe we have two true loves in our lives? Or maybe some people get lucky? Because I couldn’t put SJ or Charles in a different box than that of my true loves, my soulmates, my other halves, the better halves of me.
I sighed at all of the thoughts going through my head. I began to make my pull-out bed with great anticipation for a decent night’s sleep. I couldn’t believe the night I’d had. Sawyer’s cocky smile as he left tonight made me smile, but mostly it made me nervous. There were too many reasons why I needed to turn him down, why I needed to leave him alone. He thought he could fix me. Charles left me broken beyond repair. My life in general right now gave witness to that. How could I ever be what Sawyer needed? He did something to me that Travis never had. He made me want things, things I had before, things that were too scary to think about, the things I just said no to Travis about. The truth was that Sawyer had a stronger hold on me than I could understand. He always had. I remember being five and under his spell.
After my bed was to my liking, I quietly walked to the bathroom next to Charlotte’s room, took a shower, threw on my pajamas and hopped into bed. I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, just as I had every night since Charles died. Usually I would think about him, but tonight a different memory haunted me: the memory of why I left SJ all those years ago.
Chapter Sixteen
Megan
About Eight Years Earlier
It was shortly after graduation. Sawyer had turned 18 on graduation day, and he found out that he had been left quite a bit more money from his parents for when he became an adult. Sawyer’s parents had died in a car accident right after his 16th birthday. He had stayed in their home and inherited some money. His dad’s little sister, Mae, who was only a decade older than us, moved in with him and acted as his guardian. They got along really well and had been close before his parents died. It was still hard, but having his aunt there with him made it a little more bearable for him. I was going with Sawyer today as moral support. He needed to officially sign the papers in order to acquire everything in his parents’ will. I knew Sawyer needed me now; his aunt and I were all he had left. The thought made me feel nauseous with pressure to be better than I was.
I was sitting on the couch in Missy’s trailer when the door swung open. I looked up, hoping to see Sawyer, but instead met eyes with Missy’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, Stew. I finished lacing my converse and held my glare.
“Stew,” I sneered through clenched teeth.
His hand held open the metal door and his foot stayed propped on the first step of the trailer. “Megan,” he slurred.
I made a face that I’m sure wasn’t pleasant and stood up. He hadn’t shaven in a while, his yellow hair was long and dirty, and his teeth were more yellow than usual. His white tee-shirt was stained with grease and had what looked like fresh ketchup dripping down the front.
“If you don’t mind, Stew, SJ is waiting for me.”
I didn’t know why he was here, but I knew it was to see me. It had been for a while, and every time he came, my skin crawled with panic. I needed to get out of this place. I turned 18 the next day, so I could go stay with Sawyer for good now. Every time I tried before, Mom would send the police to pick me up and drag me back to this hellhole. God knows why she did it. We didn’t talk, and when we did, it wasn’t pleasant. She didn’t feed me, clothe me or even protect me. I stopped thinking of her as my Mom too long ago to remember.
I pushed back the vomit that was rising in my throat and glared at Stew. His sluggish smile made my skin crawl again. “I think your boy toy can wait a few minutes.”
I crossed my arms and prepared to fight. I wasn’t letting this happen ever again. I decided right then that I would tell Sawyer today that I was staying with him. If he didn’t want me to, then I would find somewhere else, but this, what Stew did, would stop today.
“Don’t worry, pretty girl. I don’t plan . . . that today.”
Oh, God, I couldn’t help it, the vomit rose into my mouth. I swallowed it and sneered back “Yeah? Well, what do you want, Stew?”
He shook his head. “Ain’t nobody teach you any manners? You going to invite me in?”
I squeezed my arms and glared. “You already invited yourself in and are blocking the door. I’m leaving now.” I silently prayed that Sawyer would pull up in that moment, but he didn’t.
Suddenly, Stew grabbed my arm hard and pushed me back onto the couch. I put my hands up, ready to fight, but then the couch dipped next to me. I adjusted myself to put space between us. “You thinking ‘bout running off with that boy, huh? You think him going to want your nasty ass?” I shifted my feet so I could stand, but Stew’s arm shot out in front of me and pulled me back down. “You best sit and listen, girl.”
I gritted my teeth. “God, your grammar sucks.”
Stew sneered. “Now let me finish. He coming into some money, huh?” My eyes flickered to him and then away. I crossed my arms again. “Ah no answer, so the rumor’s true. Well then, here’s the deal. Your Moms told me I had to stay away from her, well, from you.” I looked at him, confused, and rolled in my lips. Stew laughed. “Yes’em, I was surprised too. She said I ain’t allowed to come around after our little fun got interrupted on your prom night.”
I ran my hands up and down my arms and stared at the floor. If Sawyer wasn’t here soon, I would get up and run no matter what Stew did to me. I couldn’t sit here and listen to him talk about almost raping me so calmly. “You know she’s my paycheck. Now that she’s getting that big check from the government I’m thinking I can live off her a little longer.” I gritted my teeth again. How did such scum even exist? How could he think anything he was saying was normal? Meth. Oh, yes, that would do it.
“So you leave. Get the Hell out of here and I won’t sue pretty
boy for all him money.”
I furrowed my brows and looked into his bloodshot eyes. “What the Hell are you talking about, Stew?”
He laughed again and I was starting to hate the sound. “Your boy toy beat me somethin’ fierce a couple of months back. ’member when he interrupted the prom night fun.”
I snorted “As in ‘fun,’ you mean me almost being raped?”
He laughed again. Okay, it was official: I wanted to kill him. I wasn’t usually a violent person, but I couldn’t get the image of my hands around his throat out of my head. “Well now, he did put me in the hospital for a good while. He wasn’t worth much then, but now. He older...he loaded… I could do some good damage.” I licked my lips while I shook my head and took a deep breath. I felt like steam was going to come out of my ears, like on one of those cartoons. Where the hell is SJ? Now would be a good time to show up.
I jerked to my feet. Just as quickly as I stood, Stew pulled me back down. That was getting pretty annoying. “Don’t be rude now girl. I ain’t done yet.” I took another deep breath. “Leave now. Get far from here. If you come back, if you contact your mom or SJ, I will sue him for all him has. I have doctor’s notes and bills up the wazoo.”
I laughed. “Stew, you live off of welfare . . . oh, and my Mom, who is also a welfare queen and doesn’t pay your bills, why the hell do you care?”
He laughed again. His laugh was deep and menacing. “Cause they be proof of the damage that prick cost me and I know I can get a lot for my trouble. I don’t need all that though. Your mom’s checks and hookups are good enough, but she won’t let me around with you here.”
I took a deep breath again. “Fine. I was moving in with SJ anyway.”
He shook his head. “Ain’t goin’ to work.”
I glared at him and crossed my arms. “Excuse me?” He looked at me like he was angry, but I was used to that.
“Your Moms got some weird hold on lettin’ you get got.” He paused and I thought about that. She did, but it boggled my mind why. It was obvious that she didn’t care if I was around, and I doubted that she even wanted me around. “She’ll find you, she’ll go to SJ’s. If you stay in touch with boy toy, she’ll ask about you.”
I furrowed my brows. This was getting very complicated and confusing. “Why would she care? And he wouldn’t tell her where I was.”
He looked at me again like I was missing something. “Because she would, and it don’t matter. The deal is you leave town. You leave SJ and your mom’s behind or I sue the prick for all he’s got.” When I was silent for a moment, Stew grabbed my face and turned it towards him. I tried to pull away, but his grip was rough. “You think I want you getting any of him money? Being happy? I like seein’ you miserable, girl. You are going to leave. You are going to go be lonely and miserable. You are going to leave that prick alone to be miserable too.”
I tried to keep the tears in, but they swarmed my eyes. “Ah that hurts don’t it girl? I be savin’ you the trouble anyhow. You think he gonna stay with you? You think he gonna love you? You ain’t nothing girl. He’s got money now and you’re just a trailer park mutt who’s all used up.” The words pierced my heart like a blade, but they were true. I hated him for it, but he was right.
I sucked in my tears and pulled my face away. Looking down, I nodded. “Fine, Stew.”
He rubbed his hands together. “Alright then. You got one week girl.” I looked up at him, a little shocked. “You heard me, one fucking week.”
I wiped the back of my hand across my cheek and gritted out, “Fine, now leave!”
He laughed that nasty growl of a chuckle. “Anything you say girl.”
Just then I heard a truck pull in and I jumped up. Stew, the coward that he was, jumped up too and jetted out the door faster than I had ever seen him move. He tripped over the stairs and almost fell on his face. Sawyer was at the door as quickly as physically possible. He almost caught Stew by his shirt.
“Son of a . . . ” I heard under Sawyer’s breath as his eyes caught mine. As fast as he had flown to the door, he flew by my side. “What happened? What did he do? Did he hurt you? I swear to—” I placed my hand lightly on his chest and the contact made my heart stop.
The realization that I loved him, truly and completely loved him, hit me as I stared into his soft brown eyes, knowing I had to leave him. Great. What a fabulous time for that revelation. My voice was shaky with emotion. “No, SJ, I’m fine.”
He held my gaze and shook his head. Placing his hand over mine, he sighed. “You’ve been crying.”
I nodded. “Yeah, well I’m fine. I promise, nothing but threats.”
SJ sighed loudly “Let’s go. You’re staying with me tonight.” I didn’t argue. I just nodded and let him take my hand in his. “We’ve got things to celebrate tomorrow.” I smiled weakly up at him as he placed a kiss on my forehead. How was I going to leave him? God, I loved him so much, I couldn’t let Stew continue to plague his life. We walked to his truck in silence and then drove to the lawyer’s office in silence. The entire time we held hands. Not even when he shifted gears did I let go. I had one week to soak him up. I wanted eternity with him, and now I only had one week. Make that reason number 587 why I hated Stew. The pain that squeezed at my heart was unbearable. Instead of feeling it, instead of letting it take over, I focused on my hand in his. I held his hand like I was holding onto my lifeline, because I was. He was my lifeline, he was my life. I would have to die and be reborn to survive losing him. But I would do it for him. I would do anything for him.
The next day, we celebrated my turning 18 with a movie marathon, pizza and cake. It was just SJ, his Aunt Mae and me. I stayed with SJ every night the next week. Each night he held me as we slept. That was all, nothing more. That was all I needed, that was all I could handle without my heart breaking. We had been doing this since we were seven, and it wasn’t weird or uncomfortable. It was soothing and natural for us. When he held me, it felt like the world stopped and everything was right, everything was okay, and I was strong. I wasn’t the weak girl who was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by strange men. I was a girl who was loved and brave and strong. His arms acted as my source of strength. If I ever needed it, I knew I could find it there in his embrace. So where would I find it after I left him? I would have to learn to be strong on my own.
My week with him was up, and it was time to leave. The idea of actually going through with it caused my entire body to ache. Although I hated the idea of letting Stew get away with running me off, I had to let it happen. I couldn’t let Stew take the money that SJ’s parents left him. They had worked hard for that money, they had great hopes for their son, and it was all he had left of them. I would be damned if I let him lose that. If I was honest, though, there wasn’t only that. It wasn’t only about money. It was about things that could never be undone.
Stew had called it as it was. He wasn’t many things, and he was never right, but he was right about this. I had lost my innocence as a child, thanks to him. He had done things to me that a man should never do to a child. Things that were disgusting and humiliating. He never took it all the way. He only did things to ruin me but never to destroy me. After the very first time SJ found out, I knew deep down in my heart that I could never be with him. Then there was the fact that my mom was terrible at relationships—she was terrible in general. God forbid if personalities were genetic.
SJ was just too good. I needed to get out of Atlanta. I needed to run from the many memories that plagued my mind, both good and bad. The bad ones kept me paralyzed with the fear they would happen again, and the good ones kept me paralyzed with the fear that they would be taken away.
SJ was my best friend and I loved him, but I couldn’t give him what he needed. As friends it worked, but what I knew I wanted? It couldn’t. It just couldn’t. I needed to become someone new, someone who didn’t have my past. Someone who wasn’t damaged and tainted. Someone who could maybe be loved one day. Today was the day I made my first step. Today
was the day I broke both mine and SJ’s hearts.
“Pumpkin?” I heard SJ’s voice calling from the front of the trailer. I winced at my childhood nickname. I had left this morning without telling SJ where I was going, and I knew, I just knew he would show up searching for me. It hadn’t taken him long. I didn’t want to hear his voice right now, I didn’t want to feel anything for him right now.
I looked at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. The makeup hadn’t fully covered the black eye that Stew gave me just an hour before. He came by to remind me of our deal. He said I had twenty-four hours to get out of town. I didn’t argue, but he decided that one last touch and one last hit were needed. Well, technically, the hit to the face was because I kicked him when he tried to touch me.
I pulled my long, black hair down over my shoulders and came out of the bathroom as I heard SJ yell again. “Damn it, Megan, where—” He never cursed or raised his voice, so I knew he was panicked. He stopped as I ran smack into his broad chest. I began to fall backwards when his strong grip steadied me.
“Hey!” I said, smiling up at him, trying to point my right eye out of sight.
SJ’s face twisted into concern as his finger hooked under my chin. Uh Oh. “Hey, why did you leave?” He said quietly.
The feeling of his skin on mine sent a swarm of butterflies free in my stomach. It hadn’t always been that way. We had been friends since we were 5 and had done almost everything together. Somewhere between puberty and Senior Prom, he began to have this effect on me. I needed to stop it. I needed to leave! I just shrugged my shoulders, which caused him to sigh.
I couldn’t stop myself from taking him in one more time. SJ was 6 feet 3 to my 5 feet 7. He had light, olive-colored skin and big, brown eyes. He was stuck between husky and extremely fit. The best way I could describe it was a football build. He was big and strong. He still had a little bit of a baby face, but a strong jaw with slightly rounded cheeks. He had a big, white, breathtaking smile that warmed my entire body. His hair was light brown and fell over his face and down below his ears. I often made fun of him and called him surfer boy because of it. SJ was the most handsome guy at our high school, hands down. The girls knew it, but SJ didn’t seem to.
