“For all we know, it puts everyone at risk. Anyone close to you is in danger. Steel, I’m convinced it’s time we brought in reinforcements. The FBI may be the right call, and we have the safe house. It’s hidden, and you’re welcome to use it. We can communicate at that location safely.”
“I agree, but I think staying in one place too long is unwise. I’ll move from there back here sporadically, never giving the killer a constant location to rely on. I’ll need all the files from the last five years—cases, the thugs we took down, anything and everything you can think of. Someone has a vendetta, and it’s tied to me. I have to find him, before...” I couldn’t finish, the absence of control had me raging, going out of my fucking mind.
“This will shake the men to their very core. Flynn, I need you to make it clear that if anyone wants to step away, they have my permission.”
“Steel, no solider is walking away after this. And you know, the same goes for you. You also have the same option to walk away temporarily.”
“This could destroy everything we’ve built. I can accept that, I can. But not another life on my hands.”
I knew I was slowly going crazy, and for the first time, fear gripped me like a vise. If the bastard wanted me, he should take me. Not my men.
“Starting tonight…everything changes.”
I heard the shower running in the background, as the full weight of the situation hit me. I knew now what I had to do. For her sake.
“I’m not running, Flynn.”
“I never thought you were, but there’s being stupid, and there’s being smart. It’s time to gather reinforcements.”
“You have your orders, so tell the men…” Aware that they had suffered because of me tapped into my deepest fears. “Tell them I’m with them, and behind them.”
“They know, Steel.”
I ended the call frozen in place, unable to stop the darkness brewing inside. Feeling sick, I weighed the danger, but I knew her safety came first. I heard Jordan approach as I remained deep in thought. She gently rested her hand on my shoulder.
“Please sit.” I said
My expression was dark as I rested my elbows on the counter, unable to face her. I didn’t want to be close enough to touch her. I didn’t know how much of the truth would ensure her safety.
“I have to leave.” That part was true. “For how long, I can’t say, but there will be no contact between us.”
I glanced over at her for the first time, and I saw that her brows were knitted in a frown, confusion in her eyes.
“We have a situation.”
I slammed my eyes shut. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to her. It wasn’t her problem, and she’ll be better off. She deserved better—not a man like me, riddled with dark secrets.
“I’m sorry, Jordan, but the nature of my business doesn’t allow for a relationship.”
“What are you saying?” Her voice ripped into me like a knife. “Just like that, it’s over? Is it because I wouldn’t…” She refused to look at me. “It was all a game of chase?”
I prepared myself for what was about to come as she raked me over with freezing contempt.
I looked away from her penetrating gaze.
“It will never be a fucking fairy tale.” Deliberately pushing her away with my words, feeling the punch as if it were my own. “You’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Don’t do this.”
I couldn’t bear the change in her voice, from anger to hurt, as her tears fell. I wouldn’t look, and I wouldn’t comfort. When it was safe, I would plead for understanding, exposing the truth once she was safe. But, not today. Not here, not now.
Instead I acted purely on instinct, which was a coping mechanism to bury the pain—both hers and mine. She had to hear me, loud and clear.
“No.”
She reached for me, but I backed away. I heard my heart crack the same moment hers did.
“Steel, it’s just begun.”
She wiped the tears from her face, the tracks still exposed as more followed. Then I witnessed her gaze growing distant.
“It’s too late. It’s done.”
Then I mustered up my courage. As our gaze locked, I threw the final, cruel punch.
“It’s been fun.”
“Fun?” She grabbed her purse, it fell and all its contents scattered to the floor. “We were just beginning to trust each other.” She said resting on her knees, stuffing all the clutter from the floor back into her bag.
I was a bastard, and I felt the guilt as if it were poison running through my veins.
“I’ll hate you if you do this Steel.”
My silence was thick with pain. I didn’t have to look to see her unforgiving eyes. She stood, grabbed her purse, and barged toward the door, Whiskey behind her. Then she turned.
“The dark places you must have inhabited to become the man are you right now, they sicken me.”
She slammed the screen door behind her, and then I heard her car door slam shut.
“You don’t need to be anything more than you are,” I said, knowing she was already gone.
Her tires spun with her quick getaway.
And now my life as I knew it would change back to the familiar loneliness. My future was cold and bleak, but I could find comfort in knowing that she was safe.
“Why are men such dickheads?”
My feet faltered as I ran toward my car. I held back the tears threatening to fall once more. And as I sped away, the gravel dust flying airborne behind me was my final goodbye. I could see the gate was open as I picked up speed, needing to get as far away from him as I possibly could.
The pain sliced through me, leaving only my crippled soul in its wake. It’s wasn’t that I loved him; it was that I had hoped to. I had opened my heart and let him in, just as I’d done with Ben, only to find another emotionally unavailable man. What was wrong with me? Maybe I should have been asking what was wrong with them?
Passing the exit for work, I knew I had to get in touch with the office. I was already late.
“Janet, this is Jordan. Please inform Ben I won’t be in today. I’m not feeling well.”
“Of course. Are you all right?”
No.
“Yes, thank you.”
I was going to have a complete breakdown here, on the I-45. The cars crawling through the city fueled my frustration. My phone buzzed, and I watched as Ben’s name lit up my screen. I wasn’t ready for him, for anyone, so I swiped the ignore button.
All I wanted was to hide myself from the world, tucked safely under my covers, disappearing from life and its broken promises. The more I gave in to the moment, the harder the pain throbbed in my heart.
Lost in a fog, I finally reached the exit leading me home, and within minutes, I spilled out of my car and dragged myself to the front door. Once inside, a huge sigh escaped me. I was finally free to let the feelings tumble and churn as I undressed and slipped into my nightgown.
My mind was spinning hard, my pulse spiking to a deadly fast pace. I don’t know why I bother.
I sat on the side of my bed and cried. Prepped with the usual broken heart prescription. Within reach was a small container of Haagen-Dazs chocolate chip and cookie dough ice cream, a bottle of Jack, and a box of tissues. My phone was charging, powered off.
I opened the bottle and took my first swig, cringing as the acid burned down my throat. But it also caused a warm flow as it traveled through me. I followed this with a spoonful of ice cream. I repeated the process several times, as the bitterness fueled me on and the tears streamed down my face.
I was growing weary of ever trying again. What was the point? I was done wanting to care, done searching for love. It had taken its toll on me. The impact was too high of a price to pay when it only ended in heartache.
Maybe he was like a predator. He definitely pushed all the right buttons. What did I really know about him, anyway? I had no reason to trust him, even though my instincts had told me to.
So, that was fucked up as well.
God, I had been such a fool, and he had been so convincing. I had handed over my heart willingly. I hadn’t expected a thing, distracted by his shrewd lies that lured me in slowly. Where I had seen tenderness, he was probably only calculating his next move.
And where the hell was my woman’s intuition, that gut feeling, or sixth sense warning me danger ahead? I hadn’t had one forewarning clue that he was anything but genuine.
Of course, now I knew why he was only capable of a short-lived relationship. No, it was actually much worse. It seemed as if he was only capable of a casual hookup.
I felt like a complete idiot. He had been charming, and I had fallen right into his trap. I thought of the unapologetic ways he moved through life, knowing right from wrong, white from black, yet always living in the gray. And maybe that had been the clue I’d missed. He constantly walked on the edge of right and wrong. Who did that?
That was the problem with men. One night, one magical, fucked-up night. So, we didn’t have sex, we held each other, we were intimately growing towards something bigger. I would have got there at some point. The entire encounter reeked of a skirt-chaser Don Juan. And now he was ready to move on to the next intended victim.
Betrayal had changed me. It was like poison to the soul, causing the next potential relationship to live with the scars caused by his prior treachery.
I’d never forget the impact it had on me. Anger tore across my soul, and I was unable to move my body, tensing as I processed it all. I took another pull from the amber bottle, slowly consuming the toxic venom. I wrapped my arms around myself and shut my eyes as I rode the tide out. I was beginning to feel the effects, dizzy and light-headed as the bitterness lingered in my mouth.
I lay on top of the covers. As the ceiling started to spin, I noticed a sea of lights in so many bright colors. They were so pretty. As sleep called for me, I drifted off into a welcoming sleep.
I woke to the annoying sound of a lawn mower, followed by the hum of a blower. Confused momentarily as to why I was in bed, I instantly catapulted back to the memory of yesterday. Then I grew irritated with myself. I was pathetic.
Slowly shifting to something else entirely, I brought my attention back to Ben. He had lost interest as well, although the pain I felt over him still lingered to this very day.
I was reminded of my preoccupation with a man who offered nothing but a platonic friendship. There was a time when I had believed it could be more, but it would never be, why couldn’t I accept that?
Ben had always been the king of mind games, playing catch and release with my affections. And like a silly schoolgirl crush, I had jumped at the opportunity whenever he got close. He was so handsome, and our chemistry was off the charts. He became my constant distraction. But I couldn’t forget the ten years of longing for someone who couldn’t love me back.
I shouldn’t have been thinking about Ben. I had tried to let him go, only to find heartache in its place. And he warned me to stay away from Steel. I had refused to hear his words, and the fact he was right only made matters worse.
I seem to be attracted to men who didn’t have time for relationships but were experts at playing games.
Two men, and both had broken my heart. And yet I was still desperately wanted to understand, searching for answers that will never come. My inner monologue was laced with conflicting torment. My inability to turn off emotions proved to be much harder than I would have ever thought.
Betrayal was like a dagger to the heart. A cocktail of adrenaline and pain. How could I have been such a fool?
I’d known others like Steel, a one-night serial dater at best. The difference being that I had usually known it before hand and had no illusions that this was anything more than just a casual physical encounter.
Would it take an eternity to recover? Had I ever fully mended my heart when Ben pushed me away? Yet, comparing the two didn’t seem fair; they were both entirely different in their own ways. The pain, however, felt the same.
I had been turned on by Steel’s masculine beauty, mixed with the threatening undertone of danger. His rugged virility. He moved like a panther, silently stalking his prey. A sinister appeal, it had totally lured me in.
The enormity of it all was just too much. I didn’t have experience in relationships, and I had never considered for a single moment that he’d end things the way he did.
I wasn’t one to give up so easily. I believed I was a fighter, but love had walked out of my life and left me abandoned. Just once, I would’ve liked to step into love, and be loved in return.
I was a man who was generally confident, but today I was frightened beyond words. I couldn’t bare my soul without shedding my secrets. I wanted to calm the storm that was brewing, I did. But it was impossible when the sudden urgency had to be presented with such delicacy.
I paced in front of the elevators, my actions completely out of character. I was waiting impatiently for her arrival. And when the doors opened, my stomach twisted at the sight of her vulnerability.
Everything slowed, and the world stopped on its axis.
“What’s wrong?” I reached for her, pulling her in closer. She smelled like men’s cologne, which catapulted me into a tailspin, but I regrouped quickly. “I couldn’t get ahold of you.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
Taking a deep breath, she pushed it aside.
I took her by the hand, leading her into my office.
“Janet, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day,” I said in passing.
“The rest of the day?” Jordan questioned.
I just ignored her and led her into my office, shutting and locking my door. We shared the couch, and my hands are trembling. Maybe I hadn’t imagined the full impact it would have on me as well.
“What is it, Jordan?”
I put my well-thought-out plans on the back burner. I studied her instead. Her hair was in a high ponytail. That was a first. Absent of any makeup, her usual well-groomed look was missing, as I noticed her slacks were slightly wrinkled. Her blouse was also untucked and flowing. Her eyes were puffy, and her skin was blotchy.
“I’m fine, what’s on your mind?”
Her tone made it perfectly clear that she wanted me to drop it. And for now, I would, because in this moment, I knew what I was about to reveal would either take me to heaven or hell. I couldn’t say I wasn’t prepared for either. She deserved the truth, and the day had come to reveal it all.
I brushed off my nerves and just began the story. Our story.
“Can you please just listen, be open, and allow me this moment?”
She stared at me blankly.
“Jordan?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll listen.”
“Do you remember the first day you arrived?”
She smiled at the memory.
“You caught my eye the moment we met, and I was drawn to you immediately. I became aware of the electric charge in the air whenever I was in your presence.”
I’d never told anyone this before, but the black dress she’d worn had hugged the shit out of her. The entire packaged had been wrapped up in its own perfect package, and I was not immune to her charms.
“Professionally, I had met my match. You were a variation of myself, driven by power, knowledge, and wanting to succeed at every turn. I wanted you from the first moment we met. I didn’t stand a chance.” The air became thicker with each spoken word. “I came to desire this new beautiful woman; whose eyes melted my heart. How could I not fall?” Her brows furrowed together in confusion.
I expelled a breath as the memories flooded in.
“I fought for every success, as you seamlessly glided over yours, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. My father noticed, too.”
My forearms resting on my knees, I glanced away.
“Father saw the attraction. That, I’m sure of. He prohibited any personal relationship with anyone in the company. But
I knew the warning was meant for you specifically, I fought it. I did, or at least I tried. But he ultimately held all the power, including my future—our future.”
I steepled my fingertips, which were lightly pressed against my lips. This trip down memory lane was both bitter and sweet. It mainly evoked memories of his forceful hand in all things. Father had pushed Alex away, leaving me to carry on his legacy within his company. I had always known my place, my destiny.
“My father’s rule over his kingdom was forceful, rock-hard, and everyone, including myself, simply obeyed.”
I dared to glance her way, but before she could answer, I felt compelled to go on. My hand gently landed on hers.
“After his death, I only wanted three things: my legacy with this company, the title CEO, and you Jordan. I wanted you.”
I tilted my head toward her, searching for any sign, any reaction, only to find a weary smile surfacing on her face. Still, it gave me nothing solid to hold on to.
To her credit, she listened enthralled, and she touched my arm several times while I explained.
“Both those dreams shattered the day my father died when his lawyer pulled me aside and gave me a personally written letter, for my eyes only.”
My heartbeat raced with apprehension. I knew she’d been through hell in her life, and today I would be adding to it.
“Within this letter came certain instructions, most importantly a promise of secrecy.”
I stood, crossing the floor as if walking through the pathless forest, my nerves soaring off the charts. I opened the safe, retrieved the letter, and handed it to her.
A haunted expression appeared on her face as she accepted it, and as she opened the letter, I turned away. The glass was warm to the touch, the sun gleaming as the light crept through the window. I heard her gasp, her tears. I knew what I would find once I turned around. I also knew what I would say. I knew the moment she was finished. I turned facing her.
“It’s not true, Jordan. But I didn’t know that until very recently. You need to know everything.”
I handed her my handkerchief and proceeded.
Surviving Jordon Page 9
