“I believed him, Jordan. He was my father, why would he lie? Whatever his motives were, he didn’t want you to know. Although he kept you close, he brought you here to know you. He believed you were his daughter, or maybe he wanted it so badly he never questioned it.”
“But…why?”
“I wish I knew. I lost the opportunity to question him.”
I took my seat by her once again. Finding my composure, my hand resting on hers, not for my sake, but for hers. I recognized her vast series of emotions and understood the conflict I was inflicting. The consequences of his course of action brought the kind of devastation that never fades.
“In the days following, I didn’t know how to feel, but there was no escaping this new reality. My feelings were now perverted. I had always wanted to protect you, even if that protection was from me.”
A shiver raced down my spine. I had to stay grounded, focusing on the end result, in the hopes the truth would bring her back to me.
“But I couldn’t just stop, turn it off. The only option left was a friendship, a platonic bond deeper than most. Even if it wasn’t healthy for either of us. It was all I had left. Those were dark days, Jordan. I privately fought the feelings I knew were very wrong, very sinful. The way I obsessed over you for so long…”
I tore my focus away; my emotions were surfacing faster than I could control them. Running my hand through my hair, I stalled.
“I would watch you with others, your smile so engaging, everyone battling for your attention, and I understood it. I still do. But I knew that smile was not for me, not in the way I wanted.”
Her gaze clung to me, knowing this was her story, too. Her pain, too.
“Underneath the numbness, the mask I wore hid every emotion and desire until it broke my heart.”
It was time to admit the past, and now the future. Allow the words to spill freely, unlocking the final secrets. I needed to chase the pain and anguish away. The regrets I would live with wouldn’t compare to the possibilities of someday soon having her by my side, in a way I only dared to dream.
“I had to stop denying what I wanted, and now?” I tried to regain some control. “The chains are broken, and I’m free. We’re free. We may be similar in many ways, but not by blood, and I have the proof now.”
Tear tracks glistened down her cheeks, her emotions exposed.
“Please don’t cry. I never wanted to hurt you, not then, and certainly not now.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“That’s a fair question, and a shameful answer. I’d been a fool to wait, and it only took another man taking you from me to jump-start me into action. I had to know with certainty before I could let you go. I realize how selfish that sounds, and it pains me to admit the truth, but there it is. I had to know once and for all, who you were.”
“Ben, you could have come to me in the beginning. I would have shared the burden. I would have understood your conflict, and we could have searched for answers together. You had to know instinctively that I had feelings for you. That I felt it, too. Yet you still denied us the truth.”
Her brows deepened, and with all my heart I wanted to drown out her pain and uncertainty. Sweep her away as my own, and protect her from her suffering. But I couldn’t, not when I was the one inflicting it.
“Ben, I went through years of pain, questioning your actions, which conflicted your words. It left me clinging to any thread of hope. Then I was crushed by jealously, so many women fawning for your attention, yet you never noticed the one who truly wanted you was right under your nose.”
I inhaled her sadness, as if I could bear the weight of her tortured heart.
“Yet you stood by as my heart broke. You allowed me to feel I wasn’t good enough.”
“I’m so sorry, Jordan. I was painfully aware of you in every way. And this, whatever this is? It still burns. My feelings have never faded over the years. They were too strong to deny. It was the battle within myself that destroyed me. An internal rage over fate, over a situation where I had no control, circumstances I couldn’t change.”
“It all could have been avoided, Ben.”
Her words rang true, although they were still sprinkled with sarcasm and regret.
“And now?” I asked.
This was the question of great consequence that hovered between us. Would we get our own moment in the sun? The only thing that mattered, the only thing left unanswered, was if we had a future. As the uneasy silence continued, I patiently awaited my fate.
“Now? I need time, Ben.”
She was right, of course. Feelings didn’t change overnight, but I still had hope that she would find the feelings she felt so deeply in the past. I wasn’t convinced they’d ever disappeared entirely.
“Time,” I agreed, allowing that word to penetrate. Against my better judgment, I pushed. I’d yet to reveal my intentions, and we needed to figure this out, whatever this was between us.
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Where?”
“Just come with me, please.”
I knew she wasn’t ready to admit it or accept that all the rules had changed. What had existed between us in the past. It had never disappeared, only faded. I knew we could start over. I was certain of it.
We walked together in silence, side by side once we reached the park a block away. I took her hand in mine, leading us down the path. It was quiet. The whispering of the trees blown by the gentle breeze caused the light to flicker between the leaves. A soothing calm took me by surprise.
The anxiety we had experienced had taken its toll. As we walked, I started to feel a lightness in my chest. The calm was leveling out the turbulence I had inflicted just moments ago. As we approached a bench that sat nestled, sheltered by trees, I led us over. And after a few long minutes, the words just tumbled out.
“You’re always going to wonder what if…”
She shot a sharp glance my way.
“I’m relieved to know the truth, Ben, but the enormity of it hasn’t begun to sink in. I need time to process how I feel about it, and what I want.”
The coolness of her gaze hurt, but it didn’t discourage me.
“Will you have dinner with me tonight?
“Dinner? I don’t feel like going out.”
“I’ll bring dinner to you.”
“Ben.”
Her unspoken words warned me to let it go, but I knew there was something else that had a hold of her.
“What are you afraid of?”
She blew out a breath, worn down and fatigued from the emotional rollercoaster I had forced her to ride.
“Fine,” she said as a small raspy laugh escaped her. “You never give up, do you?”
“Remember that.”
I approached her house, once her mother’s, and her mother’s before that. I took in the sentiment of it all. Her traditional values and ideals had always been prevalent.
There was a note on the door: Come around the back.
I tore it off and stepped inside, making my way towards the back door.
The concrete patio slab, original to the house, was large and shaded by old trees, planted years ago their branches reaching out caressing one another in a blanket of seclusion. I saw Jordan’s touch throughout. Everything was simple and comfortable. As I approached, she was laying on one of the cushioned loungers, drinking wine. She didn’t often partake in alcohol, so my radar was up.
“Hi,” I gently said, and took a seat on the edge of the other lounger. Her eyes were swollen and red. She’d obviously been crying. I had known this morning, the moment she had exited the elevator, that something was wrong. Her pain cut me and smothered me, yet, I had a strong suspicion about the cause of those tears, and they weren’t mine to own.
“Would you like a glass?” she offered.
“Sure, but allow me. I brought pasta from our favorite place, Agostino’s.”
“Lobster ravioli?”
Her lackluster smile tried to pass for ge
nuine, but I knew better.
“Of course, what else? I put it in the refrigerator for later.”
We shared a history rich in memories, both in business and personally. I had been there through it all. I was the one holding her when her mother had died, picking up the broken pieces, promising her she would never been alone. I had always been the last man standing, and here today I would prove it.
I watched the sunlight cause her auburn streaks to illuminate against the darker strands. Silks of many colors were flowing down, partially resting on her shoulders, and I took this undetected moment to admire her beauty.
“Scoot over.”
She looked up in confusion.
“Come on,” I said, as she moved, making room on the oversized lounger. It was not meant for two, which created a certain closeness that I was forcing upon her. She refused to relax, however, her composure faltered. I boldly rested my arm around her shoulder as my free hand brought the glass of wine to my lips.
“Great view.” The mountains far from us stood tall in all their splendor. The sun was sinking—blood-red, orange, and yellow streaks of color staining the sky dramatically. “I see the appeal. It’s quite the show out here.”
“You been here before.”
“Not like this.”
Never like this.
Her outdoor light clicked on automatically, causing a dim glimmer across the length of her backyard. The dusky light skipped across our bodies, which were pressed closely together.
Unable to resist, I indulged in a question, simply to ease my torment.
“What’s bothering you, Jordan? You can’t hide it, not from me. I know you too well.”
Her forehead creased in a frown.
“Steel ended our relationship this morning.”
She hesitantly inhaled a sharp breath and glanced away, trying to hide her tears and her pain.
I wanted to claim ownership right then and there, but I didn’t. I wanted her, but not by default. I would know when the time was right, and I wanted her to claim me as well.
“Why?” Thank you, Jesus. “What a fool.”
“To be honest, I’m not actually clear why. He said it had been fun. I guess the one night together was enough.”
Her eyes narrowed to slits, searching the darkness as her bitterness revealed itself. Her honest words left a painful hole in my heart. The thought of another man touching her was almost too much to bear. I inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly, forcing the poisonous visions from my mind.
“How on earth could he do that?” I turned toward her, our gazes locked. “How could he let you go, especially…?
“Please, don’t say it.”
Her voice was begging as she fought against the tide of emotions rolling in, consuming her whole.
“You have every right to say I told you so, yet you haven’t.”
“And I never will.”
Facing her, I pulled her gently closer under my arm, her head resting in the nook between my arm and chest.
“Jordan, I only said those things out of jealousy and fear. I panicked when it became clear how close the two of you were becoming. I felt he was taking you from me, and obviously, you were never mine to begin with. Selfishly I was reaching for straws. I’m only sorry I was right.”
I recognized her every emotion, and this was not about me, or our possibilities, but losing Steel. I only had one choice now. I had to comfort her in her darkest hour, be the man she leaned on, the man who held her through all her pain and tears. As always, I would the man she ran to, the man she trusted. This was how I would prove my love and win her back.
The following day was only a repeat of the last, that is until there was a knocking on the door, and I thought to myself, that’s all I need right now. I should have just stayed in bed. Wearing my sweatpants and camisole, I peeked through the peephole.
Jules.
“Hi.” Her gaze raked me over, head to toe. “Ben called me, said you needed fixin’ so I’m here to do that.”
Damn him.
“Or at least try.”
She squeezed by me as I rolled my eyes.
“I’m unfixable,” I said, falling back on the couch.
“Tell me what happened.”
I rolled over, away from her stare.
“I didn’t believe Ben when he warned me. Steel, he only wanted one thing, and once I told him I wasn’t ready, he dumped me.”
My words were mumbled, and I refused to see the pity in her eyes.
“What he did was unforgiveable.” She laid a hand on my back, gently rubbing and patting as if comforting a child. “Sometimes people are broken, Jordan. Maybe he only gave you what he could.”
I turned to face her, my eyes welling up. “That doesn’t give him the right…”
Then the floodgates opened, and she held me while I cried on her shoulder.
“I know. That’s precisely why you need to let it go. You’ve already veered back towards Ben, remember, your true love for the last ten years?”
I pulled away from her embrace and gave her a level look, considering her words of advice. Her hands braced my shoulders in place.
“Do me a favor Jordan, listen to your heart.” She was right. A hint of a smile escaped my lips.
“Mark my words: karma’s a bitch.” And moved out of the room towards the kitchen.
“Hungry?” she asked.
“No.”
“How about tea?
“That sounds nice.”
Once I joined her in the kitchen, I turned on the faucet to fill the kettle, but a trickle of water started to leak at the base, and it grew in size quickly.
“Jules, hand me a towel!”
She quickly wrapped the towel around the base and I lowered the handle, but the water still poured out. Fountains of high-pressure water begin to spirt and drench us both.
“Turn off the main!”
“Where’s that?”
“I don’t know—it’s your house, look underneath!”
Jules was dripping in water, still attempting to shield the spout now flooding the countertops and floors.
I found a dial and turned it to the right. Righty-tighty.
“That’s not working. Go to the basement, look for a dial maybe by the water heater, but hurry the fuck up,” Jules commanded.
I battled my way down the slippery steps drenched, leaving a trail of water behind me. I finally found the dial, and once again, turned it to the right.
“Did that do it?” I yelled up to Jules.
“Yes, finally!”
Once I returned to the kitchen, the disaster had grown in size.
“Now what?”
The sight was almost comical.
“You need to call a professional.”
“Ya think?”
Smiling as I took off the dripping sweatpants that must now weigh a hundred pounds, I tracked my way to the living room, reached for my phone, and searched for emergency plumbing. Then pressed call. I explained the horror show, and they promised to have someone here within the hour, but it would cost me.
“Go to my room, look in my closet and change into some dry clothes. We have an hour, so I want to mop up as quickly as I can before the floor is ruined and is added to the list of damages.”
The mopping process was tedious. It seemed like there was no end in sight, but I turned when I heard a familiar voice.
“You’re a mess.”
Ben’s eyebrows arched mockingly.
And standing just behind him was Jules.
“Oh, Ben’s here.”
She chuckled, and I realized I was standing in a puddle of water, dressed in my white silk panties and camisole. It was wet, see-through, and the fabric was glued to my body. I watched as his eyes trailed up and down, lingering on my swollen nipples, peaked by the cold.
Jules’s words suddenly came back to me.
“Your true love for the last ten years.”
Not knowing what else to do, I put the mob and bucket away.
“The repair man will be here any minute,” I said as I grazed by Ben, who was still immobile in the doorway. I made my way to my bedroom to dry off and change, but a smile appeared out of nowhere, recalling Ben’s reaction to my near nakedness.
Several hours passed, and the repairman arrived.
“Burst pipe. It’s not always apparent. We need to start at the sink, working our way until we find the break. That may include tearing out parts of your cabinetry.”
“You paint a grim picture.”
“It appears that way, locating then getting access to it may prove to be the bigger cost, with time and labor. You can get a second opinion, but do it sooner rather than later.”
“No, just proceed.”
“I’ll work up a bid, but as we go, I’ll call you to update new findings. I won’t know how much or how long until I find the source. It’s an older home too, so we may find a few surprises. You might consider staying somewhere else during the process.”
“I’ll do that. Thank you.”
I walked him to the door, where Ben and Jules were sitting on the couch.
“I guess you heard?”
“Yeah. I’d offer my place, but my mom is coming into town tomorrow, and I wouldn’t purposely inflict that on anyone,” Jules said.
“I can stay in a hotel close to the office.”
“Nonsense. You can stay with me. I have plenty of room. I won’t even know you’re there.”
Something in his offer appealed to me.
“That’s perfect!” Jules said, jumping in with gusto.
She knew all my secrets and all my dreams, and she stood by me, witnessing my darkest days over Ben. As I considered his offer, my gaze drifted to his, but before I could say a word, he spoke first.
“Okay, then it’s settled. Let’s get you packed.”
“I’ll need to follow you in my car.”
Why I chose that minor detail to point out, I didn’t know. Things were moving too quickly, somehow.
“Duly noted,” he said in a gravelly tone. “And you’ve never seen my new place. I bought Theo’s condominium after he moved in with Eden.”
“The penthouse?”
“That’s the place.”
What kind of woman did that make me, on the heels of losing one man, immediately reaching out to another? I pushed the thought away, burying it for now.
Surviving Jordon Page 10
