Work of Art

by Monica Alexander

  “Uh, yeah. It sort of did,” he answered, looking completely bewildered with how the tables had turned without warning.

  Well, that was how I’d felt when he went away on vacation and sent me a freaking email to break up with me and tell me to kill off our baby. Asshole.

  “She cheated on you?” I prompted.

  “Yes,” he answered, shifting uncomfortably on his stool. “I already confirmed that.”

  “A lot?”

  “I don’t know. Besides, it doesn’t matter. Once is enough, don’t you think?”

  Yeah, once was enough. And if I didn’t get away from him soon, I might be in danger of causing him to do something once that he’d regret, and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that. And it wasn’t just because he was engaged.

  “I agree,” I told him. “So what are you doing out having drinks with me when you have a fiancé?”

  “I thought I was catching up with an old friend, but I’m thinking I might have been wrong. Besides, Trish knows where I am.”

  I laughed a non-humorous laugh and looked away. “I think this was a bad idea,” I said, shaking my head. “I think I’m going to go ahead and go. It was nice catching up, but I think the next time I see you, I’m just going to look the other way.”

  “But you’re coming to my wedding,” he said slowly, looking thoroughly flummoxed.

  “No, I’m not. I hate to do it to Brandon since he’s a nice guy, but I just can’t be around you, Ryan. I can’t do it. You hurt me so bad in high school, and I thought I was past it, but I’m not. Good luck in your marriage. I hope she treats you well. Have a nice life.”

  It was probably the worst exit line I could have said. It was so clichéd, but it was all I could come up with before I dropped a twenty on the bar to cover my drinks and walked away from Ryan Carson for good.

  * * *

  “He got under my skin, Kel,” I said angrily, as I collapsed on her couch. “He sat there looking all beautiful and perfect, and he got in.”

  She eyed me pensively as if wanting me to go on, but I wasn’t sure what else I could say on the subject. I was spinning, reeling, floundering, and it was all because of Ryan Carson, a guy I thought I’d dismissed from my memory and vowed to not let affect me again.

  But he was affecting me now.

  Shit!

  “Tell me what happened,” she said slowly, as if coaxing me to let it all out once she realized I wasn’t going to do it voluntarily.

  I took a deep breath. “He got to the bar, and he was so nice to me, and it reminded me of how we were back then. He was sweet and funny, and I had built him up in my mind to be a complete martyr, but he wasn’t. He even told his fiancé that he was meeting me for drinks. He was completely honest with her, and he’s dealt with his share of shit over the past decade, and I can’t hate him because of what happened when we were kids. I can’t do it anymore. He’s not a bad person. He’s so . . . I don’t know . . . he’s Ryan.”

  I shook my head, having rambled off enough confusing things that I wasn’t sure Kelly would be able to make heads or tails of any of it.

  “What does that mean?”

  I sighed. “It means that in my heart, he’s still the boy who loved me when everyone else abandoned me. He’s the guy who took my virginity and kissed away my tears when someone had hurt me and who told me I was beautiful when I thought I was hideous and unlovable. He meant the world to me, and I have never felt what I felt for him since then. I’ve never met a guy who could make me feel as safe and secure and as loved as Ryan did for two years. And in one second, he ripped that all away because he was scared, and I never forgave him for it. I let that one moment discolor all the amazing things about him, and that was probably wrong.”

  “But, Harper, it was a pretty big thing for him to do. You said so yourself, just last week.”

  I shook my head. “I have a feeling his parents influenced him. I have no doubt that his dad capitalized on the fact that they’d be alone on that boat for a week and talked him into telling me to get an abortion. And if his dad hadn’t been able to influence him, I’m sure his mother finished him off. They were vindictive people back then, and it sounds like they haven’t changed, but Ryan was only eighteen. And he respected his parents and looked up to them and valued their opinions. And the truth was that neither of us wanted to have a baby. We wanted to go to Yale and enjoy college together, but all of a sudden, I was pregnant, and that was that. And maybe he was looking for a way out. I don’t know.”

  “Did he ask about Tyler?”

  I shook my head. “No, he didn’t ask about him, which surprised me, but at the same time I definitely wasn’t prepared to talk about him tonight, so I’m sort of glad he didn’t bring him up.” I let my head fall back against the couch. “I don’t know, Kel. I was not planning for him to walk back into my life, and now my head is spinning with all of this crap I tried to bury.”

  “So, are you saying you still have feelings for him?” she asked, and my head snapped up to look at her.

  “No,” I said definitively, and then I adjusted my response. “I mean, not really. It’s just, sitting there with him, I was sure as hell tempted in a physical sense, but what scares me more is that I realized that I couldn’t hate him any longer.”

  She cocked her head to the side and watched me for a few moments before she started speaking. “But didn’t you go there tonight with the expectation to gain closure, to let the past go, to move on?”

  I froze for a second. “Yeah, I did.”

  “Well, did you get it?”

  “I don’t know,” I sighed, letting out a breath of air in a huge huff. “I think I expected one thing, and I got another, and it threw me for a loop.”

  “What did you expect?”

  “To catch up with an old friend, to know that what happened between us was for the best, and to finally bury the hatred I’d been harboring for so long. To let him go, I guess.”

  “But that’s what happened. Harper, I’m really confused. I’m sorry,” she said, wringing her hands together.

  I sighed. “Here’s the thing. I expected to be able to let go of how I’d felt for so long, and I wanted that, I truly did. But what I didn’t plan for was actually enjoying being with him and missing him and wanting to hang out with him again.”

  “So you did feel something,” she deduced, and I shook my head.

  “I felt connected to him. I can’t explain it, but I felt like I was missing a part of myself, and when he came back into my life, it was like I felt whole for the first time in years. But I don’t have feelings for him, I just sort of don’t want to lose him again. Does that make sense?”

  “So, you want to be friends with him?” she questioned, her eyes narrowing as she tried to make heads or tails of what I was saying.

  “Yeah, I think I do.”

  “Well, where did you leave it with him?”

  I cringed. “I basically told him to fuck off and have a nice life.”

  “Harper!”

  “What?! He blindsided me. I didn’t know what to do.”

  I slumped further into the couch.

  “Well that certainly puts a wrench in things,” she said, stating the obvious, so I glared at her.

  “Here’s the deal. He’s getting married in a few weeks. It’s so stupid that I would even want to be friends with him, because what wife is going to let her husband hang out with a woman whom he used to sleep with, especially when she learns the full story. And he works like all the time, so I don’t even know if he has a social life, but he’s friends with Brandon, so I’ll see him from time to time. Shit, I don’t know.”

  “Who’s Brandon?” she asked, and I realized that I’d been talking to Brandon pretty regularly since we’d met the week before, and I hadn’t even told my friends about him.

  I smiled. “Brandon is this guy who basically wormed his way into my life, and I think he’s going to be a really good friend. I met him on the plane back from Boston, and we talked the w
hole flight, and then he came in for a tattoo, and that’s how I ran into Ryan again. They’re friends, and Ryan was going to get a tattoo as well. And you know the rest of that story – vomit, push him away, come vent to you about it, see him at the deli, accept coffee date. But Brandon is this brutally honest, sort of broken guy who got divorced last year, and I think he’s still trying to pick up the pieces. He bought a winery and is moving out here, and I’m his date to Ryan’s wedding.”

  Of course I told Ryan I wasn’t going now, so that might not be true.

  “Are you dating him?”

  I shook my head. “No, there’s not really an attraction there. He’s cute, but he’s not really my type.”

  She laughed. “So he doesn’t wear pressed khakis, button-down shirts and loafers?” she teased, and I glared at her.

  “You completely suck,” I told her, but she was right, and I hated that she was right. I wished I didn’t like preppy guys – guys like Ryan. Grr.

  “But he’s hot?” she prompted.

  I nodded. “Yeah, he is, and he’s a good guy. I actually wish I had someone I could set him up with. He needs a nice girl who he can trust.”

  “You’re a nice girl,” she offered, and I shook my head. She was trying really hard to change my mind.

  “We’re friends, Kelly,” I said firmly.

  And just then my phone rang. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see it was Brandon, although a tiny part of me hoped it might be Ryan, and I was kicking myself for wanting that.

  “Speak of the devil,” I said before picking up my phone. “Hey Brandon.”

  “Dude, you’re bailing on me?”

  Oh Jesus. What did Ryan do, call him immediately after I left the bar? Freaking gossipy little girls.

  “What are you guys, like fourteen?” I asked him.

  “What?”

  “Well, obviously Ryan called you to tell you all about how I told him off, which is why you’re calling me.”

  “Yeah, I am. What the hell, Harper?! You told me you’d go with me. I don’t want to go alone, seriously. His family hates me.”

  So Ryan really had called him immediately after I’d left. Had I gotten under his skin too?

  “Well, they hate me more.”

  “I corrupted their son,” he defended. “I had him screwing all the wrong girls for three years!”

  “Yeah, well I was the whore who seduced him and got pregnant to trap him,” I countered and heard Kelly gasp from beside me.

  She knew how closed off I was, especially about my past, so I think she was fairly shocked that I’d told a veritable stranger my story, but in my defense, I hadn’t told Brandon. Ryan had told him.

  I waved my hand to shush her when she started asking questions.

  “Fine, you win, but either way, you have to go to that wedding with me, Harper. Please,” Brandon begged.

  “I already told Ryan I wasn’t going, and I’m sure he doesn’t want me there after how I treated him.”

  “On the contrary. He wants you there.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Do this for me. Come on, for as long as we’ve known each other, have I ever let you down?”

  I laughed. “Brandon, I’ve known you for a week.”

  “Answer the question, Harper. Have I ever let you down?”

  “No. In the week I’ve known you, you’ve never let me down. But it doesn’t mean I want to go to the wedding.”

  “Why not? This isn’t about his family. Screw them. We’ll just get wasted and pretend they don’t exist. Why don’t you want to go?”

  “Because I just don’t. Brandon, it’s weird. He was my boyfriend.”

  I imagined him rolling his eyes as he said, “In high school. Who gives a shit about that. And besides, this is not about Ryan, it’s about me and the fact that I need someone to keep me in line because I will probably try to either stop the wedding to save my friend or clock his bitchy, stuck-up sister and his arrogant, asshole father if left alone to my own devices.”

  “Hey, I wouldn’t mind clocking Lisa myself if given the chance,” I told him. “She’s part demon, I’m convinced.”

  “Shit, she’s not part. She’s full demon,” he said, and then he paused. “Do you really not want to see my boy again? Because if that’s the case, if you really can’t get past all that shit from over a decade ago, I won’t make you go to the wedding. I want you to go, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  I sighed. As much as I didn’t want to go, I sort of did. A part of me wanted to show Ryan’s family that the little whore they hated so much grew up and made something of herself. And I was damn proud of what I’d accomplished.

  And the fact that his mother didn’t want me there sort of made me want to go even more. But then there was Ryan and the fact that as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I wanted to get to know him as an adult, as the man he’d become. I wasn’t sure I’d been fair to him at the bar. I’d let my emotions and my fear control my actions, and I was probably way out of line.

  “I’ll go,” I finally said.

  “Yes,” Brandon cheered. “Thank you. You rock, BF, and I will totally hug you when I see you in a few weeks.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I think you missed your calling in life. You should have been a lawyer.”

  “Nah,” he said, “I should have been a male escort. I would have been good at that.”

  “Don’t you do that now and just not get paid for it?”

  He laughed a big, raucous laugh. “Yeah, and speaking of that, I need to get back to the hot little honey I was working on at the bar before Ry called me. She’s bi-sexual, and I am so overdue for a threesome.”

  “Wear a condom,” I encouraged, and he laughed.

  “Sweetheart, I always do. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Bye.”

  I hung up the phone and turned to face Kelly who was watching my face with amusement.

  “What?”

  She smiled. “Nothing. I just think it’s cool that you made a new friend.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said a little confused and a little annoyed with her comment.

  “Stop it. You know what I’m talking about, and I think it’s good that you let Brandon in. He sounds fun, and he made you smile. I like seeing my Harper smile,” she said in a goofy voice.

  I cheesed up a grin for her as she got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen.

  “Can we order Chinese? I’m starving,” I ask, as I stretched out my legs in front of me.

  “One step ahead of you, babycakes,” she said, holding up the stack of menus she and Devin kept in a drawer in the kitchen.

  “Love you. Bless you. You’re amazing.”

  “I know,” she said casually.

  * * *

  I went home later that night, exhausted and frustrated and so torn up inside. Of course reliving a dark past will do that to you.

  Dropping my bag by the front door, I kicked off my boots and went and sat in the window seat in my living room. The city extended beyond me, and I found myself looking at the buildings around me wondering if Ryan lived in any of them. I imagined him going home to his, no doubt, fancy apartment where his perfect fiancé, who hadn’t tried to ruin his life at eighteen, probably made him homemade meals and kissed him sweetly and told him how she couldn’t wait to have his babies.

  And I wondered then if he ever thought about me and his son that he gave up. I wondered if he regretted any of it, if he looked back now and wished he hadn’t been so rash, if he thought about what he’d been giving up that day when he’d sent me the letter waving his rights.

  Would he think about that when his future wife got pregnant? Would he think, this isn’t my first child, or did he pretend like the baby we made wasn’t really his?

  The Ryan I knew wouldn’t do that, but then again, the Ryan I knew also wouldn’t have left me high and dry and pregnant, and he had. It just goes to show, you never really know anyone, and trust is a h
ard commodity to build. Especially when you’ve been burned by someone you thought you could trust.

  But it didn’t stop the fact that I was thinking about him that night, and I was remembering when it had been good between us and how much he’d loved me.

  Thirteen Years Earlier

  “What are you doing, man?” Hammond Thompson asked Ryan just loudly enough so I could hear.

  I hadn’t wanted to go to the party. I hated these kids, and they were never nice to me anymore, but Ryan had spent two weeks hiding out with me, so I figured I owed him. I’d agreed to go to the party of one of his friends only after he promised they’d be nice to me.

  “What do you mean?” Ryan asked, pulling me against his side and pressing his lips to my temple.

  I watched Hammond’s eyes narrow as he observed the scene in front of him, and I knew what he was thinking.

  “Dude, you’re here with Harper Connelly,” Hammond stage-whispered, and I rolled my eyes. I was literally standing right there.

  “Yeah, so,” Ryan said, his hackles rising as he prepared to defend me.

  We both knew what would happen when we went public. I’d been prepared for it, because I’d been receiving the brunt of their bullying and name-calling for a month. I was so over it.

  “So she’s a gold digger, man. Her father cleaned out three mil from my dad. That’s not cool. He had to dip into my trust fund. Hell, I probably bought her that sweater she’s wearing.”

  “Back off, Hammond,” Ryan said briskly, hugging me closer to his side. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that.”

  I looked over at him in surprise. We’d only been dating for two weeks, and I knew how I felt about him, but I had no idea we were labeling things yet. His overture made my mouth turn up at the corners.

  “Your girlfriend? What are you stupid?” Hammond sneered.