My Soul Cries Out

by Sherri L. Lewis

  “Don’t worry about it. Take your time.” She passed me a box of tissue. “This will probably be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to go through in your life.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t plan on doing that.” I sniffed. “I think my husband will agree to an uncontested divorce and we should be able to come to a simple agreement about our property. We don’t have any kids, and I don’t want any alimony, so this should be about as straightforward as it gets.”

  “Wait a minute. Before we go into that, I want to make sure this is what you want to do. Have you two considered counseling? Not every couple that experiences adultery gets divorced.”

  Did I call a therapist or a lawyer? “I know this is what I want.”

  “I just want to be sure. Often, after the initial shock, there’s a lot of pain and confusion. It’s best to take some time to sort out your thoughts.”

  Did she want my business or not? “I’m sure.”

  “Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor?”

  “No.”

  “Have you thought of seeing one before you file for divorce? I don’t mean to belabor the point, but divorce is final. Once you start the process, it’s difficult to work things out. If there’s any chance for reconciliation, it’s best to try before you start divorce proceedings.”

  The tears started falling again. “No. There’s no chance for reconciliation. I can’t be in a relationship where there’s no trust.” If I told her the whole story, we would have skipped this part of the conversation, but I didn’t think I should have to share all my dirt.

  She nodded and handed me another tissue. “Okay, then. Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” She pulled a legal pad out of her desk drawer and picked up a pen.

  We talked about the logistics and her fees, and then I left. I drove down the street and parked at the first gas station I saw. I sat in the parking lot and cried until I had no more tears.

  Help me, God. This hurts so bad. Why did this have to happen? Why can’t everything be normal and happy? Why, God, Why?

  After feeling sorry for myself to God for a few minutes, I realized it wasn’t going to do any good. I wiped my face and changed my prayer.

  Father, my heart hurts so bad. Please, be with me right now. I need You close to me. Wrap Your arms around me and comfort me so I can make it through this. Give me the strength to do what I gotta do and move on. Help me, God. I need You . . .

  After a few minutes, I felt okay enough to stop crying and drive home. I tried to focus on being proud of myself that I had made the first step. I only needed to call Kevin so we could discuss the terms of our divorce. The lawyer was one thing, but actually talking to him was going to be ten times worse.

  God, give me strength.

  17

  When I finally called Kevin, he was eager to come over to talk. Too eager. He wanted to come over right away. I figured it was best to go ahead and get it over with.

  I appreciated him ringing the doorbell instead of using his key. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a bouquet of lavender roses. My favorite.

  I led him into the family room and didn’t bother to take the flowers. I decided to keep it short and to the point. “I went to see a lawyer. I want to talk about a divorce.”

  He and the flowers wilted. “Why, Monica? I don’t want a divorce. I know we can work things out.”

  “Kevin, I don’t think so. I need to move forward with my life.”

  “No.” He shook the flowers so hard petals fell to the floor. “I can’t believe you’re saying this.” He walked around the family room. “No. I won’t give you a divorce. Why can’t you forgive me? I love you.”

  I took the flowers out of his hand and laid them on the coffee table.

  “Monnie, I want you back, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy.

  “Why are you doing this to us?

  “Why am I doing this to us?”

  “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

  “Kevin—”

  “You can’t tell me you don’t love me, can you? I know you love me. How can you throw our marriage away? I made a mistake. One mistake. Why can’t you forgive me and we move on?”

  “You know, you’re asking a lot. I walk in on you having sex with another man and I’m supposed to get over it?”

  “Not right away. I understand it takes time. I’ll give you all the time you need. Just don’t divorce me. I’ve been miserable all these weeks without you. I haven’t written a song. Can’t play right. My anointing is off. I’m nothing without you, baby. Can’t you see that?”

  “Why weren’t you thinking about this on that day?”

  “I’ve been over that day a million times in my mind. If I could take it back, God knows I would. If I could go back to when Trey first came back to D.C., I would’ve told him to go away and never contact me again. I was fooling myself to think I could be friends with him. Please, don’t make me suffer the rest of my life for one mistake.”

  He stepped closer and I could feel his love like a magnet, drawing me to him. He stepped even closer and I laid my head on his chest. I closed my eyes for a second and inhaled his cologne. If I could just erase that day and have everything between us be like it was.

  He slowly put his arms around me, moving carefully as if he was afraid he would break the spell he cast on me. I let him hold me for a second. I needed to feel him. I wanted to pretend nothing had happened.

  But I couldn’t.

  I pulled myself away from him. He tried to hold me again, but I held up my arms.

  “Please, don’t push me away.” Kevin’s eyes pleaded louder than his voice.

  I could feel my heart cracking in two. Like the life was being sucked right out of me. I went into the bathroom for a few minutes, hoping he would get his emotions under control.

  Hoping I would get my emotions under control.

  I was mad at myself for feeling anything for him. He was right. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him I didn’t love him. I did love him. Would probably always love him.

  Like my girl Tina Turner said, though, what’s love got to do with it?

  I came out of the bathroom, resuming my businesslike posture. “Perhaps I should give you some time to think about it.”

  “I don’t need time to think about it. I don’t want to talk about a divorce, not now or ever.”

  “You’re being ridiculous. You cheated on me, but you won’t give me a divorce? Does that make any sense? I really don’t need your agreement. Based on what you did, any court in this country would grant me a divorce whether you wanted one or not.”

  Kevin paced around the family room, staring at the walls. I guess he just realized all the pictures of us were gone. He groaned, “Please, Monnie, don’t do this to us.”

  “You did this to us. Not me.” I could feel the tears rising. “Kevin, I need you to leave.”

  “Don’t make me go. I’m sorry, but this is hard for me.”

  “You think it’s easy for me?”

  “Then why are you doing this?”

  “Kevin. Just . . .” I held up my hand to let him know to give me a minute.

  He sat down on the couch, rubbing his head.

  I walked into the kitchen. Reflex action. Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the freezer, cursing myself for throwing out Tom & Larry. I needed them to help me deal with Kevin. I walked back to the family room.

  Kevin looked up at me. “I don’t want a divorce, Monica. Take some time to think about it. Pray about it. I pray every day for God to help you forgive me.”

  I shook my head and stared at him. “You know what I don’t understand? You knew how I grew up. You know about all the times my dad cheated on my mom and how much I hated it. And then you go and do the same thing he did. Only worse.”

  “I’m not your dad.”

  “And I’m not about to be my mom.”


  “It was one time. I only cheated on you one time. I swear it’ll never happen again.”

  “I’m not willing to take that chance. How can I be sure?”

  “You have my word.”

  “I thought I had your word when you said ‘I do’.”

  He dropped his head.

  I let out a deep breath. “Kevin, do you know how many kids my mom wanted when she and my dad got married?”

  He wrinkled his eyebrows like he was trying to figure out where I was going with this.

  “Four. She wanted four kids. She gained a whole lot of weight while she was pregnant with me. That was the first time my dad cheated on her. Long story short, the woman gave my dad something, my dad gave my mom something, and my mom got a bad infection. Spread through her tubes and made her sterile. I was an only child because my dad gave my mom a disease that stole her ability to have kids. His cheating made her infertile.”

  He looked shocked.

  “I’m not going out like that, Kevin.”

  “I can’t believe he did that. Why did your mom stay with your dad all these years?”

  “Precisely.” I nodded. “My point exactly.”

  Kevin looked like he wished he could take his question back.

  “Do you know how humiliating it was to get tested for STDs? Do you know what it was like to wait all those days to find out if you gave me something? Would I catch something like my mom? Or worse still, did you give me HIV?”

  “You got tested?”

  “The real question is, did you? Did Trey?”

  “It wasn’t like I said, ‘I’m gonna go cheat on Monica. Let’s go get tested to make sure I don’t give her anything.’ It just happened.”

  “How did you know whether you would catch something and give it to me?”

  He paused. “I didn’t.”

  “You prove my point again. I’m not going out like that.”

  Kevin walked over to the fireplace and stared at the large empty spot where our wedding picture used to be. “I’m not the kind of man who could do that over and over. I love you. I love God. It was an enemy from my past that snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking. I really believed God that I was delivered.”

  He turned to look at me with his soul-piercing eyes. “You don’t have to decide now, but promise you’ll take some time to pray about it. If God tells you to divorce me, I’ll walk away and you’ll never have to think about me again. But if God tells you how much I love you and how He’s ordained for us to be together, you have to promise you’ll try to forgive me and we’ll work through this.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Don’t think. Talk to God. Please. That’s all I ask.”

  Before I could stop him, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. He whispered, “I love you with all my heart,” and then walked out the door.

  18

  Well, of course I didn’t talk to God. I knew He was big on that forgiveness stuff. If He told me to forgive Kevin, I would have to do it, and I wasn’t trying to.

  I felt like Kevin had died tragically. The love of my life, the person I wanted to grow old with, had been snatched from me prematurely, only I didn’t get to have a funeral for closure, and his ghost kept haunting me with phone calls, emails, and visits with flowers. I guess it wasn’t as bad as him getting killed in a car crash, because I could still see him and talk to him. Maybe it was worse because I could see him, but couldn’t have him in my life like I wanted to.

  Was I wrong for not forgiving Kevin? Was it God’s will for us to stay together? Maybe I needed to forgive him, but that didn’t mean we were supposed to get back together. I got tired of thinking about it, so I stopped and went about escaping again.

  My empowerment plan fell apart. My power walking dwindled down to nothing. I stopped writing in my journal, stopped doing yoga, stopped going to the health food store, and next thing I knew, I was cozying up with Tom & Larry again. I knew it was bad when I started avoiding Alaysia’s phone calls.

  At work one day, Tammy knocked on the bathroom door. “Monica, are you in there?”

  I splashed my eyes with cold water then patted them dry so no one could tell I had been crying. “Yeah, be out in a second.”

  “You have an emergency phone call.”

  My heart jumped. Did something happen to Mommy? I ran out to get the phone. Tammy and Miss Odessa moved away from the nurses’ station.

  “Hello?” I could barely breathe.

  “What is wrong with you? You don’t answer my emails. You won’t return my calls. What’s going on?”

  “Alaysia?”

  “Who else do you think it is?”

  “You scared me to death. Why’d you say it was an emergency?”

  “’Cause you scared me to death. I dreamed you drowned in a vat of Tom & Larry’s ice cream.”

  “Forget you, wench.”

  “Couldn’t if you tried. What’s the problem, Monnie?”

  I lowered my voice. “I can’t talk about it at work, Laysia.”

  “I can’t get you at home.”

  “I’ll call you tonight.”

  “You better.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  “If you don’t, I’m on a plane tomorrow morning.”

  “I will. Gotta go.”

  “Don’t make me come up there.”

  I laughed. “I promise. I’ll call tonight.”

  Later that evening, Alaysia was quiet while I explained my recent encounter with Kevin over the phone. I was sprawled out on the couch in the dark family room, hoping my throbbing headache would ease up some.

  “I don’t know what to say. Sounds like he’s really sorry, Monnie. I know how much you love Kevin, and sounds like he loves you. He made a mistake. You sure you don’t want to try to work things out?”

  I hung up.

  She called right back. “I take that as a no.”

  I hung up again.

  She called right back. “Okay, I get it.”

  “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

  “I am. I want what’s best for you. Maybe you should just think about—”

  I hung up.

  She called back. “Okay, Monnie, okay.”

  We sat in silence. The heater kicked on at a low hum. It was particularly chilly for February this year. I lay back on the couch.

  Alaysia said, “Soooooooo, was my Tom & Larry’s dream true?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m here. Did you call to harass me?”

  “I’m not harassing you. I’m checking on you. That’s what friends are for. To check on each other. Make sure everything’s okay. Keep each other from gaining fifty pounds.”

  “In other words, you called to harass me.”

  “Harass is such a vile word. I’d prefer you not use it.”

  “Whatever, Laysia.”

  “Sooooooooo—”

  “If you ‘soooooo’ me one more time, I’m hanging up this phone and I won’t pick it up when you call me back.”

  “Wanna come to Atlanta?”

  “For what? I still have to come back here. It’s not gonna go away until I do something about it.” I spread the blanket at the foot of the couch over my feet.

  “I know. But maybe you need a break.”

  “I can’t afford to do that right now. I need to save everything I have. I don’t know what my lawyer bills might be.”

  “Ouch. Don’t insult me. I didn’t ask you to pay.”

  “I can’t always let you pay for everything—”

  Click. Wench hung up on me. I dialed her number.

  “Stop playing, Laysia. I’m a grown woman. I can’t be living off my—”

  Click. I dialed her again.

  “Laysia. Quit hanging up the daggone phone. I’m trying to tell you something.”

  “I’m not trying to hear it. We’ve been over this a million times.”

  “Fine. I can’t come anytime soon, though. I just took a week off
, remember?”

  “Why don’t you quit that slave labor and move to Atlanta? You’ll love it here. You can get away from everything. Start over. You can help me with the financial part of my business. You know I’m no good at that stuff. I’m probably spending everything I’m making. Then you won’t have this pride problem. You’ll be working.”

  “Always got a plan, don’t ya?”

  “Pretty darn good one, if I do say so myself.”

  “I can’t. Running away is not the answer. I have to face my issues, not escape them.”

  “Say that next time you hear Tom & Larry talking to you.”

  “Forget you, Laysia.”

  “Couldn’t if you tried. And you did try, remember?”

  “Ha, ha, ha.”

  “Don’t go ghost on me again. Call a sista. Let her know how you’re doing.”

  “I will. Thanks, girl.”

  “Forever and always. I mean it. Don’t make me come up there.”

  “I’ll call you in a week.”

  “You better.”

  “ Bye. ”

  19

  I faded into autopilot mode again. A week turned into a month and a month into three months, and next thing I knew, it was May. My exercise clothes piled up in a heap in the corner. My tennis shoes taunted me every morning as I stepped over them. I couldn’t bring myself to put them away. That would be to admit defeat and resign myself to being a fat slug.

  One morning, I decided to get on the scale for a reality check. I stepped on with my eyes closed. Coulda swore the scale groaned. I opened my eyes. “OH MY GAAAWWWD.” I kicked it, then jumped around the bathroom, holding my toe. “You filthy liar.”

  That was the problem with wearing scrubs to work every day. You couldn’t tell if your clothes fit different. Okay, maybe the tie strings had gotten a little shorter. Okay, maybe my bras were getting too snug. Okay, maybe my underwear was cutting off the circulation in my thighs.

  I went down to the kitchen and slung open the freezer. I yelled at a carton of Chocolate Brownie Walnut Crunch. “I thought you were my friends. Look what you did to me.” Tom & Larry smiled at me from their perch on the carton. I could swear I heard them laughing.