My Soul Cries Out

by Sherri L. Lewis

  As we left, I kissed his bald head and tried to convince myself that whatever demons drove him to do what he did, over and over again, were a by-product of his childhood.

  I didn’t bother to call any of my friends to tell them goodbye. I hadn’t talked to most of them in months anyway. They probably got tired of me never calling them back. How could I? They’d want to know what was going on, and it wasn’t like I could tell them what happened between me and Kevin.

  Kevin.

  Every time I picked up the phone to tell him I was leaving, I ended up holding the receiver until the recording came on telling me something about hanging up if I’d like to make a call. I kept remembering him shaking rose petals all over the family room. I didn’t want a repeat of that scene. Maybe I’d send him a post card or an email after I got to Atlanta.

  I decided to meet him out in public. That way he couldn’t make a scene. At least I hoped.

  I arrived at Starbuck’s early so I could get a Venti Calm tea. It was too hot outside to drink tea, but I hoped the chamomile would relax me so I could deal with Kevin.

  When he got there, I could tell he took extra care to look good for me. His hair was in perfectly shaped comb twists. He wore the blue linen short set I had bought him last summer. I hoped I looked so fat and sloppy he would change his mind about wanting to stay married, and agree to a quick and quiet divorce.

  I stood up to greet him. Before I could step back, he hugged me. I figured I’d at least give him that since I was about to skip town.

  Bad idea. He smelled good and felt good. Brought back too many memories and stirred up too many feelings. I felt him sigh.

  “Hey, Monnie.” He kissed my cheek. “I’m glad you called. I been waiting to hear from you.”

  “Hey, Kevin.” I sat down and picked up my tea. I took a big swallow and prayed for the Calm to take an immediate effect. I patted the chair next to me. “Have a seat.”

  I handed him the Caramel Frappucino I bought him. He had this goofy smile on his face like he knew I heard from God and was here to ask him to move back home. In a way, that was true. I was going to tell him he could move back home. The only glitch was, I wouldn’t be there.

  “How’ve you been?” He brushed his hand against my cheek.

  I pulled away. He frowned.

  “Good, I guess. I don’t want to keep you long, Kevin. I need to tell you something.”

  “What?” He started that eye-blinking thing, and I knew this wasn’t going to go well.

  No sense in beating around the bush. “I’m moving to Atlanta.”

  His mouth dropped. He started to say something and stopped. He tried again. “When? Why? How did you decide that? Why Atlanta?”

  I let out a deep breath and put my hand on his. “I’m leaving next week.” I gave him a big smile as I offered a consolation prize. “You’ll be able to move back into the house.”

  He shook his head. “Why, Monica? I thought you were taking some time to heal so we could get back together. I don’t need to come back to the house. I’m fine at my mom’s. You can take some more time if you need to.”

  “I don’t think it’s a matter of more time. Look at me, Kevin. I’m a mess. I can’t live like this anymore. I need to start over, and I need to get away from here to do that.”

  “Why? I don’t understand. Why can’t you forgive me?”

  “It’s not that I can’t forgive you. In my heart, I think I have. Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I want us to get back together. I need to move on with my life.”

  “Why?”

  His “whys” were getting on my nerves. He sounded like a two-year-old.

  I decided to be honest. “Kevin, I’ve been depressed for the past few months.” I held out my arms. “Look at me. I’ve gained a ton of weight. Dr. Stewart diagnosed me with high blood pressure and diabetes, and I have to take all these pills and check my sugar twice a day. I have to do something drastic or I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life. I’m going to this specialized spa program in Atlanta to get a handle on things.”

  Okay, sort of honest.

  His facial expression said I wasn’t making sense. “Spa program? You’re quitting your job and going to a spa?”

  When he put it that way, it didn’t make much sense.

  “Alaysia runs her own health business down there. I’m going to help out. In exchange, she’s putting me on this intense program to help me get my health in order.”

  “Alaysia.” Kevin made a sour lemons face. “I should’ve known.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing. Now I understand.”

  “Understand what?”

  “Nothing. I know she never liked me, that’s all.”

  “It wasn’t that she didn’t like you. She just knew.”

  “Knew what?”

  I rolled my eyes. “About your . . . history.”

  Kevin looked around at the tables near us and lowered his voice. “How?”

  “I don’t know. I guess from her extensive experience with men.”

  “Why did you go to her about it?”

  “Who would you prefer me to go to? Tracey? Regina? Janae? Shavon?”

  He blinked faster as I mentioned my friends from the choir.

  “I didn’t think so. Trina’s gone. I needed somebody to lean on.”

  “What about me? I’m all alone in this.”

  “That’s your choice, Kevin. Your choice to live with this big secret. Your choice to keep living a lie. Or should I say Bishop Walker’s choice?”

  I never saw his eyes blink that fast. He chewed his fingernails. I hadn’t seen him do that in a while. He usually kept them perfectly manicured.

  The whir of the espresso machine and the jazz playing overhead filled the silence hanging in the air between us. Kevin ran his fingers through his comb twists. “Are you coming back after you get your health together?”

  “Not if I like it there.” I hadn’t given too much thought about it. All my life, I’d had a long-term plan. I decided to live in three-month chunks from now on.

  “How are you going to live? Are you going to get a nursing job down there?”

  “I’ll be working for Alaysia. Helping to build her company.”

  “You don’t have to live off her. You can take our savings if you want. It’ll last until you find a job.”

  “I won’t be living off her. I’ll be working. I’m not gonna take our savings.”

  “It’s half yours. I don’t want you to be without. I want you to be able to take some time and focus on getting your health together. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” A lonely tear edged down his face.

  I wiped it away. “Kevin, have you thought of seeing somebody?”

  He frowned. “Seeing somebody?”

  “Yeah, like a therapist or a counselor or something.”

  “No, just Bishop Walker. He’s been counseling me.”

  I hated to imagine what those sessions were like. “What—on how to keep a secret? How to stay emotionally bound for the sake of his ministry?”

  “It’s not like that. Bishop Walker is like a father to me. He cares about me.”

  Was he trying to convince me or himself? “All I’m saying is you might benefit from some professional therapy. You had a very traumatic life event at a young age that shaped the rest of your life. I’m not sure Bishop Walker is trained to handle that.” I really wanted to say I wasn’t sure Bishop Walker was interested in truly helping him.

  “No. I’m fine. I’ve been feeling much better since I’ve been talking to Bishop. I think if you would talk to him, he’d be able to help us through this much better.”

  No sense in trying to get him to see. I patted his hand and stood to leave.

  “I’ll be waiting for you, Monica. I’ll be right here when you get your health together and come back. By then, the album will be released and you won’t have to go back to work.”

  He looked so sad. I decided to let h
im hold on to his little fantasy. He’d realize after a year or two I wasn’t coming back, and would hopefully move on with his life.

  I bent and kissed him on the cheek. “Okay. Take care, Kevin.”

  I walked out the Starbuck’s door and didn’t look back. All I wanted to do was think about my new life in Atlanta.

  24

  Alaysia pushed the door open. “Here we are. Home sweet home.”

  “This is absolutely beautiful.” It was like walking into an upscale spa. The walls were a pale, sage green. A wall-length fountain had pretty, smooth rocks with water splashing off them, making peaceful, tinkling sounds. She had a large, beige couch with soft lavender and green throw pillows. There was a sunroom out back that let out onto a large patio. Plants covered both of them.

  “This is your room in here.”

  “This is wonderful.”

  There was a beautiful mahogany sleigh bed with a matching dresser and mirror and a sitting area with a chaise lounge and throw pillows. The whole décor was done in earth tones. Reminded me of Trina’s.

  “You go ahead and get settled. I’m gonna put the finishing touches on dinner. I’ve prepared a special meal for your first night here.”

  “Lovely. What is it? Curds and whey? Granola and tofu?”

  “It is tofu, actually. Jerked tofu and stir-fried vegetables over rice, and a surprise for desert.”

  “Great. I’ll lose weight from sheer starvation.”

  “Keep an open mind. You’ll like it. I promise.”

  I changed into some scrubs and unpacked my clothes. I didn’t have many that fit anymore. I’d have to go shopping.

  When I finished hanging up everything, I wandered into the kitchen. Whatever Alaysia was cooking smelled too good to be healthy.

  We sat down at the table. I looked down at my plate and frowned. There were big chunks of whitish brown stuff mixed with a lot of different kinds of vegetables over rice.

  “So, this is tofu. What is tofu anyway?”

  “Soybean curd.”

  “I really am eating curds and whey.”

  Alaysia laughed. “Just try it, silly.”

  I took a tentative bite with only vegetables and rice. I knew that was safe. Maybe she’d stop watching me after I ate a few forkfuls. Then I could spit the tofu into a napkin if I needed to. It was well seasoned, like the food we had in Jamaica.

  “This is actually good. Go ’head girl.”

  “Try the tofu.”

  “What if I just do the vegetables? Do we have to do the whole fake meat thing?”

  “You’re gonna need the protein when we start your workout regimen. Just try it.”

  It was good. It tasted like the spices she seasoned it with.

  “Well?”

  “A’ight Laysia. It’s good.” I kept chewing. “It’s really good.”

  When we finished our food, Alaysia cleared the table with this big grin on her face. “Ready for dessert?”

  “Bring it on.”

  She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a pie plate. “Tada! It’s your favorite. Strawberry cheesecake.”

  It looked like cheesecake, but how do you make a cheesecake without dairy and sugar? I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to know. Dinner was a pleasant surprise, so I decided to try it.

  “Oh my God. How did you make this? This is so good.” It had a little bit of a different taste to it, but was still rich and creamy. If I didn’t know the house rules, I might have believed it was real cheesecake.

  “Silken tofu. It’s sweetened with fruit sugar.”

  I savored every bite of the generous piece of cheesecake. “Maybe this whole healthy thing isn’t going to be so bad.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way. We start your workout program in the morning.”

  “Dag, Laysia. Don’t I get time to settle in and get acclimated?”

  “Sure. Do all the acclimating you need to. Tonight. And be ready to work out in the morning.”

  “Sir, yes, sir.” I saluted.

  “That’s right. Act like ya know.”

  “What’s this gym like?”

  “State of the art. The latest and greatest equipment. Real upscale. You’ll like it.”

  I didn’t tell her how much I hated gyms. If working out was punishment for being fat, then working out in a gym was like getting a whipping outside in front of all the neighborhood kids.

  The phone rang. Alaysia grabbed it. “Hello?”

  She smiled. “Hey, Kevin, how are you?” She paused. “Oh, I’m great. Yeah, the business is going good. I’m hoping your girl can dig me out of trouble here.” She paused again. “Yeah, she’s all brains. I know you didn’t call to talk to me. Here she is.”

  Alaysia handed me the phone and went to her room.

  I sunk into the couch. “Hey, Kevin,” I said after taking a deep breath.

  “Hey, Monica. I wanted to make sure you got settled in. How was your drive?”

  Kevin had begged to drive me down. He didn’t like the idea of me being on the road ten hours by myself. Whenever we went on trips, he did most of the driving because the little white lines on the road hypnotized me. I never could stay awake too long.

  “The drive was a piece of cake. I didn’t even get sleepy.” I stretched out my legs. “I’m getting settled. Alaysia cooked a healthy meal for me, and she was telling me about the gym. My workouts start tomorrow morning.”

  He laughed. That soft, sexy laugh. Dangit, why’d he have to call?

  “She’s not wasting any time, is she?”

  “No, she’s a drill sergeant. It’s good for me, though. I gotta get off this medicine.” I could hear him playing this love song he wrote for me on his guitar. “Kevin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing, just playing around with some tunes. You know how I do. I have to write a couple more songs for the album, so I’ve been messin’ around with some stuff.”

  I felt like he was plucking my heartstrings instead of the guitar strings.

  “Kevin?”

  “Huh?”

  “I need some time. Can you give me some time?”

  He stopped playing. “What do you mean? You’re in Atlanta, I’m in D.C. I’d say that’s giving you time.”

  I blew out a long breath. “Kevin.”

  “You mean not calling?”

  “Yeah. I need to be able to focus on me and not think about us right now.”

  He was quiet. Started strumming the guitar again. This time it was a few melancholy chords. “Okay, I’ll give you all the time you need. Call me when you’re ready.”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  As I was about to hang up, he said, “Monnie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I email you?”

  I had to laugh. “You’re not gonna make this easy, are you?”

  “I ain’t trying to make it hard. I want what’s best for you. I . . . I just want—”

  “You can email me, Kevin.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. Talk to you soon. Well, not talk to you—email you soon. I love you, Monnie.”

  “Bye, Kevin.”

  I knew it hurt him for me to not say “I love you” back, but I couldn’t. Not that it wasn’t true. I just didn’t need to be feeling that love right now. It was hazardous to my health.

  25

  The next morning, Alaysia and I pulled up in front of a large building with a sign on the front that read: JIM’S GYM.

  “I wonder how long it took him to come up with that name.”

  Alaysia chuckled. “Not very creative, huh? Wait ’til you see it, though. It’s the best facility in the city.”

  My eyes bugged out when I walked in. Talk about sensory overload. House music blared. Rows and rows of cardio machines made whirring noises. Televisions hanging in front of the cardio machines played all different channels. Real high-tech.

  There were two separate areas with weight equipment
, fully occupied. An aerobics studio had a packed-to-capacity step class going on. Alaysia showed me another room where they had yoga and Pilates classes. Then there was the jock room in the back with the heavy weights and a bunch of swollen men looking like they had steroids for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then there was the “ladies’ area” with the multicolored free weights. I knew this would be my spot. The place where the big women like me hid from the fit people.

  As Alaysia walked me through the gym, she introduced me to a lot of people. I didn’t catch any of their names because I was too busy looking at their bodies. There was a honey-colored girl with natural twists in her hair and a perfectly toned, compact, muscular body. Then there was a tall, almond-colored guy with muscles so huge he couldn’t rest his arms flat at his sides. Then there was a tall, thin, mustard-colored girl who was all legs. It was a blur of perfectly sculpted bodies.

  I hated gyms. They were full of cute, skinny girls in skimpy exercise outfits and strong, muscular men covered in sweat, who were overly interested in the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits. Then there were the big girls like me, trying to hide their bodies in big sweatpants and T-shirts and working our butts off so we could look like the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits. Then there were the skinny guys who were trying to lift more than their body weight so they could be like the muscular guys and get the attention of the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits.

  No matter what, it was all about the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits.

  “All right, ready to get started?” Alaysia asked.

  “Laysia, can’t I walk outside in the neighborhood around the condo?”

  “Are you crazy? Monnie, it’s August in Atlanta. It’s got to be over a hundred degrees with a hundred percent humidity outside. If you wanted to do that, you shoulda said something first thing this morning.”

  “I hate the machines. You run and run but don’t go anywhere. I feel like a hamster on a wheel just spinning around and around.”

  “How ’bout a step class?”

  “Please. I can’t keep up with those crazy steps.” I pulled my T-shirt over my butt and folded my arms across my breasts. I looked down at my chest. I had tried to fit into a stupid sports bra, but it was too small, and I had a big hump sticking up in the middle.