by S. L. Giger
‘Why are you home already?’ My mom greeted me.
‘It’s nice to see you, too, mom.’ I dragged myself past her.
‘Are you okay?’ She asked insistently.
‘Yes.’
‘So, you haven’t told them yet?’ She asked.
‘No, it’s still prom.’
‘When will you tell them?’ She placed a hand on her hip.
I sighed. ‘Tomorrow. I will. I have to.’
I felt better the next day but after having been up for two hours, I soon felt tired again.
‘I hope you haven’t caught the flu. There’s still my prom to go to next Friday.’ Fiona said when she came to my house the next day.
Well, Fiona, I’m sorry. I wanted to say. But I couldn’t plan for this cancer to start after your precious prom. Of course, I didn’t say it because I knew it wouldn’t have been fair. Nothing of this was fair but this surely shouldn’t be any of her problems. The best thing really would be if she never found out about the cancer. I felt numb when I thought about that. Because the only way that she wouldn’t know, was to cut off all the contact to her completely. Florida would help with that but that wouldn’t be enough.
‘No, no.’ I said, thinking that the flu would be a nice alternative.
‘Let’s go to your room, I can give you a massage and you can relax a little.’ She suggested.
‘That sounds nice but I think some fresh air would do me good. You came with your bike, right? Why don’t we go for a ride?’
‘Okay, sounds good to me, too.’
We drove in silence to a beautiful lookout point. There was a small parlor with a bench that was attached to two chains which hung from the roof of the parlor. We sat down on it and looked out onto the ocean.
‘I hope I will find places like this in Florida.’ She said, while leaning on my chest.
‘I’m sure you will.’ I said pensively.
‘And you will call?’ She looked into my eyes.
I slightly pushed her away to make her sit upright. What I was about to say would hurt her, but at least I’d give her a free ticket out of this disaster.
‘Fiona, I’m not sure this is going to work.’
‘What do you mean?’ Her body tensed up.
I sighed. ‘I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. A long distance relationship is just not what I envisioned for myself. We are so young.’ My heart crumbled and everything inside me screamed vehemently.
‘But you knew that from the beginning!’ She exclaimed. ‘And this whole time you were the one who said that we could make this work easily.’
I nodded, fighting the tears away. ‘Yes but I didn’t know what it really meant. You will be in Florida and probably soon meet someone more interesting anyway.’ That thought made me sick. ‘It’s better if we stop it now and give each other that freedom.’
Slowly, realization crept over her face and with that, all the color left it.
‘You’re breaking up with me.’ Her voice was a whisper. She swallowed. ‘Out of the blue.’ She blinked. ‘You can’t really mean that, Kevin. Right? There is no logical reason why we should split up. Wasn’t everything perfect?’ She looked at me with a bewildered expression.
I turned my gaze to the ground.
‘You don’t love me anymore.’ She stated, a slightly insane touch appearing in her eyes.
I swallowed, so that the lump that had been building up in my throat would slide back down.
‘Why did you even bother spending so much time with me if it was that terrible?’ She pushed me away, and I had to hold onto the chain of the bench in order not to fall. ‘You could’ve at least ended it some time ago, so that I could have had someone at prom with me who’d actually have enjoyed being there with me.’ A new wave of panic showed in her expression. ‘You won’t even come next week, will you?’
It hurt my ego a little that all she thought of at that moment was that stupid prom.
‘Is there anything other than prom that you think about or are you really that superficial?’ I asked, which seemed to be that straw too many.
She snorted. ‘This really hurts you know. I honestly wouldn’t have expected this from you. Not after all the wonderful moments we had.’ She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands.
‘I’m sorry Fiona. I didn’t want it this way and I didn’t want to hurt you. Believe me.’ I said insistently. I wished I could have told her the truth, could have made it all okay. But it would have only made it worse. And so what I did was getting up.
I swallowed looking at that picture of misery. ‘We should go back now.’
She turned her head towards me and looked at me as if I was some kind of alien.
‘I can’t move.’ She hissed. ‘Why don’t you make for the toilet and piss off?’ She turned her head away again.
I waited for her to add anything else but she didn’t. ‘I’m sorry.’ I whispered more to myself. I knew I had to leave now or I would tell her everything after all. So, I went to my bike and drove off, breaking her heart and mine.
At home, I wanted to take it all back, I wanted to take her in my arms, kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. Of course I was upset. I didn’t even dare thinking about being without her because my heart would start to feel so heavy and hurt so much I thought it was going to burst. There was no way I could live without hearing Fiona’s voice daily, listening to all the little stories she had to tell. Not being able to hold her, touch her soft skin, let alone kiss her, would be a life not worth living. But it was better if she had to say goodbye to me now. That would give her some time to adjust that when the time came and I really wouldn’t be here anymore, it wouldn’t be so hard on her. And perhaps she wouldn’t even have to go through hell at all and would find someone else to fall in love with, someone who could give her all the time and energy she deserved.
Chapter 12
Fiona called twice the next day. I neither picked up the phone nor called back. Then, she sent a text.
Seriously? That’s just how it’s going to end? You don’t even talk to me anymore?
I felt like the cruelest person in the world. Was this really the right way to proceed? I paced around in my room nervously. I felt ashamed of myself. Never had I lied to somebody before and actually hurt that person with the lie.
Hellooo???
But losing someone you love through death hurts much more than having a relationship end. Once I die, she can at least think that it served me right. I swallowed and answered her.
Stop. Talking will just make it worse because it won’t change anything. IT’S OVER!
Her answer came promptly.
GO TO HELL.
Perhaps, I’d soon be there. I dropped onto my bed and pressed my hands to my temples. Her impulsivity would be a help in keeping her away from me. Now that she was so mad, I was sure I wouldn’t hear anything from her anymore. And that’s how it was. The calls stopped, she blocked me on social media and it was as if she never even existed. I stared at the blank spot where her profile picture used to be and started to sweat. What had I done?
When it knocked at my door, I hoped that it would be Fiona for a moment but when I heard my mom’s voice, I quickly dismissed that thought.
‘Kevin, are you sleeping?’
‘No.’
‘Can I come in?’
I didn’t answer.
‘Hello? I’m coming in now.’
She entered and found me on my bed with red eyes from crying.
‘What’s wrong?’ She asked softly.
‘What is wrong?’ I screamed. ‘I might be dying and Fiona is leaving me for Florida and I’m not going to college. So sorry, if I’m not sitting all cheerful at the dinner table with you.’
‘I know. I don’t expect you to. But this is hard for me, too. I love you.’ She touched my shoulder. ‘Right now, you are here and you are hurting. Please, don’t shut me out and make me feel like I have already lost you. Talk
to me.’ She added.
‘I told Fiona.’ I lied to my mom. Again. But it was necessary to keep Fiona from more harm because my mom would make me tell her the truth right away and then the mess would be even bigger.
‘How did she react?’
‘She was shocked. And then she said that she needed to digest this first.’ I said grimly. ‘That it was good that Florida would bring some distance between us. She broke up with me.’ I put my head into my hands.
‘What?’ My mom was beside herself. ‘This is so unlike her. You two were so good together, why would she push you away?’
‘Yes!’ I yelled. ‘But that’s what happened.’
‘I don’t understand. But everybody reacts differently when hearing bad news. Maybe you just need to give her some time and she will come around.’
I nodded, sad.
‘I’m so sorry.’ My mom said. ‘How about Eric?’
‘I haven’t told him yet. What if he reacts the same way?’
‘He won’t. I could never have imagined that Fiona would react like this but I am even more certain that Eric will understand. Do you want me to tell him?
‘No.’ I sighed. ‘I will. Can I please be alone now?’
She studied me with a concerned look but then nodded, turned on her heel and left the room.
During the week I somehow just functioned mechanically. However, it was like I was drunk. Everything around me seemed blurry and out of tune. At graduation, I couldn’t even enjoy receiving my diploma. I just walked across the stage like a zombie. Afterward, we went to Eric’s house with our parents for a party. It certainly wasn’t the right time to spoil the mood but when is there ever a good time for it? My mom looked at me encouragingly when Eric and I were about to disappear to his room to be away from the loud crowd for a moment.
‘So, what’s bugging you?’ Eric asked me.
‘Why do you mean?’ I said drily.
‘You haven’t smiled all week and even now you look like somebody died. Is it because Fiona is going to Florida?’
‘That’s one of the things, yes. We broke up. But that’s not the main issh- ‘
‘You what?’ Eric made big eyes.
‘Yes and if you let me finish telling the rest of the story, you will know that it’s better this way.’
‘Now I’m curious.’ He crossed his arms in front of his chest.
‘Okay.’ I breathed. ‘Phew, how best to tell you that.’ Suddenly, I was nervous. What if he really kept his distance from the sick kid afterward? ‘Um, I won’t be able to work with you this summer.’
‘What, why?’ His posture deflated.
‘Because I will be spending a lot of time at the hospital getting my cancer treated.’ I said, my voice having almost no sound.
First, Eric’s eyes narrowed, then he tilted his head sideways. ‘I’m waiting for you to stop kidding and tell me what you actually have to say. You are making some stupid joke, right?’
I took a deep breath and shook my head.
His eyes opened in fear when the realization hit him, he dropped backwards into his desk chair and shook his head.
‘What kind of cancer? Is it bad? Since when do you know?’
I told him the facts I knew and then added ‘I don’t know exactly how bad it is but it surely doesn’t sound like a ride in the park.’
He puffed his cheeks. ‘Damned.’ He looked at me with desperation in his eyes. ‘What happens now? And is there anything I can do?’
‘I’ll start chemo on Saturday. And then we see from there.’ I pulled my shoulders to my ears. ‘That’s all I know so far. And actually, I’d really appreciate it if you could just behave as normal as possible around me. And also, nobody else needs to know about it. I don’t want anyone’s pity.’
He gasped. ‘You haven’t told Fiona, have you? And instead, you broke up with her. Why on earth would you do something as idiotic as that?’
‘You are right, she doesn’t know. Don’t you dare tell her. I’m sure, otherwise, she had thrown her plans of going to school in Florida overboard just to stay here with me.’
‘So let her, it’s her free choice.’ He said sternly.
‘But I didn’t get a choice in this. And her scholarship is a one-time opportunity. I should be the strong one who is able to protect her and not the one who needs to be cared for.’
‘You are acting out of vanity.’ He threw his hands in the air.
‘No. I just want to keep her from making a stupid decision of throwing away her life for a guy who perhaps won’t even be here anymore in a year.’ I raised my voice.
‘Could it be that bad?’ Eric asked with fear in his eyes.
‘Well, it’s the same thing that killed my dad.’
He shook his head. ‘I still think you made a stupid move there but I’ll respect your decision.’
‘How kind of you. And good that the first thing you do, after you hear your friend is sick, is starting a fight with him.’ I pursed my lips.
‘Anytime, my friend. You said you wanted me to behave normal.’ He chuckled. Because of the insanity of the whole situation, we both started laughing.
‘Well.’ Eric said, once we had calmed down. ‘Just do whatever the doctors tell you. I surely do hope that you are still around for many years.’
Chapter 13
As you can see, I had a swell start into my summer. Fiona had been gone for a week and no matter how many times I checked my phone, there was no word from her. Why should there be? But it was weird, given that she was the person I’ve talked to more than anyone else during the past year. So much was missing. And there was so much time to think about it while I was lying in a white hospital room, hooked to several different tubes and liquids. How did I get here? That’s just one of the questions that circled in my head. My mom had raised me to a decent young guy, who you could count on and who is true to his word. So, how could I purposely disappoint someone so much? How could I have been so cruel to the person I loved most? The only person I ever truly loved. I knew that by what I had done, I had made our separation final. I would never expect her or anyone to forgive me for that. Therefore, I had no other choice but to follow the doctors’ protocol in my fight against cancer and concentrate on that.
The doctors were hopeful and thought that I could beat this cancer. I was still young and other than that in good shape. I wasn’t a smoker or drug addict which would surely be an advantage now. My mom shared their views and was very encouraging, even when I was throwing up every time I opened my mouth.
‘Poor you’, she rubbed my back. ‘But you have to see it this way. Your body is vehemently fighting against what is not supposed to be in there. Every pain you walk through is a step towards victory.’
I tried to steady my breathing, pressing my lips together. The bad thing my body was revolting against was the poisonous chemo cocktail and not the cancer. I glared at her.
‘If I could, I’d throw up for you, you know that.’ She said.
I nodded, sighed and took her hand.
My mom was by my side most of the time. I don’t know how she managed to keep on doing her work and always bring me something good to eat, read or watch on TV.
At first, it was bearable. I slept a lot and all the tests, shots and other treatments I had to endure, I just let it pass by. I didn’t think too much about the future. I wanted to believe the doctors but I didn’t want to tempt fate.
Eric was a good support in all this as well. We passed the time with strategy games but then it was his turn to go on a camping trip with Lea and her family in Vermont and whenever I was by myself in the hospital room my mind had time to wander. I wondered about Fiona. Was she still furious? I imagined different scenarios of her returning from holidays, being sad about my condition but therefore very forgiving and suggesting that we could start over. Yet, in reality, I remained on my own and felt utterly alone. If I needed fresh air, I was magically drawn to my old jogging route in Milburn Park. N
ot because I felt the urge to run but because it calmed me somewhat to see our lock still in place. As if nothing had changed.
In the two weeks Eric was gone, my appearance had changed drastically. To give him a heads up, I called him before he visited me again.
‘Hey man, what’s up?’ He picked up.
‘Not much. It’s very boring here. I thought about taking up knitting.’
‘How are you?’ He asked.
‘I have been better. I lost all my hair and the dark circles below my eyes reach down to the floor. Just wanted to let you know that you don’t mistake me for the boy in the striped pajamas, the next time you see me.’
‘Okay.’ I heard him sigh. ‘I guess we could expect for you to lose your hair. Anyway, I could come by tomorrow. Do you have time?’
‘Let me check my busy schedule. I can fit you in between watching Sesame Street in the morning and flirting with nice nurse Patricia, who is about the age of my mom.’
At 1.30pm it knocked on my door. I knew it was Eric by the careful manner the door was opened. The nurses usually walked in quickly after the knock. It gave me enough time to place my phone back on the bedside table. I had been flipping through pictures of Fiona and me, wondering, whether she had already moved on or if she also looked at our pictures sometimes.
‘Your new haircut suits you. You could still join the Marines with that.’ Were his first words.
‘Unfortunately, that’s not my priority.’
‘So, how have you been?’ He asked me.
‘Actually, I didn’t know it was possible to feel so crappy. Everything hurts, everything upsets my stomach. I wished I could exchange my body for another one.’ I stared at the wall.
‘I don’t know how I would endure it.’ He sighed. ‘Any word from Fiona?’
‘Nope. I miss her but that’s fine. I’m glad you are here though.’ I smiled at him. ‘Are you excited about college?’ I changed the subject.
‘Of course I’m here.’ He snorted. ‘Yes.’ He looked to the ground, as if he wasn’t sure whether he could speak the truth in front of me. ‘My days will be filled with acting and directing and beautiful English language. Plus, living in New York City will be an adventure, too.’ He pursed his lips. ‘I’ll come back on some weekends though. Can you attend school?’
