by S. L. Giger
Unfortunately, two weeks before prom, my mom finally figured out that something didn’t go as planned after all.
‘I talked to Eric’s mom. He has received all kinds of info and schedules for September already. Then, I also spoke with Connor’s mom, who works at the cafeteria in our building and he even knows his roommate already. Have you also received any letters yet or is there a reason why you aren’t telling me about anything?’ My mom asked. We were standing in my room.
‘Um.’ I was thinking of how best to let her know that I wasn’t attending college this year. ‘Maybe you should sit down for a moment.’
She looked at me with a blank face and didn’t move.
‘I didn’t get accepted to a college. I never sent the application.’ I let go of a breath. It felt kind of liberating, now that it was out.
‘What?’ She shook her head. ‘I asked you so many times if you were looking at the brochures or sending applications.’ She threw her hands into the air. ‘What on earth did we order all these brochures for if you haven’t even looked at them?’
My ears started to ring from all the yelling. I squeezed my eyes together to focus. ‘I looked at them but nothing felt right.’
‘But you lied to me. So many times I asked you how it was going and you told me about preferences and how you had to collect teacher’s references. You seemed so sure, I didn’t think you needed my help.’
I really wished she would stop that yelling. I couldn’t even concentrate on her words anymore. It seemed that her mouth was endlessly moving and her hands trying to wave flies away. It made me dizzy. And then I don’t remember what happened but the next thing I know is that I am leaning against my bed and my head hurt like hell. It was that funny feeling you have sometimes when you hit your head and as if your skin is a little soft and you have to touch it to make sure that there is no hole. Except that this time, I touched something wet and when I looked at my fingers, I saw blood.
My mom was kneeling in front of me, securing me on my shoulders, so that I wouldn’t slide off to the side.
‘Kevin, Kevin.’ She repeated my name. ‘Ah, good, you’re back.’ She sounded relieved when I looked into her eyes. ‘You just passed out. I was so surprised, before I knew what was happening you hit your head on the bedpost.' She grimaced. ‘I think that needs stitches. Can you get up?’
I made attempts to get up but I was still a bit dizzy. My mom helped me.
‘Have you drank enough water today?’ She asked.
‘Normal.’ I responded.
‘When did you go to bed last night?’
‘At ten already. Which isn’t normal. But I was tired.’
‘Maybe your body needs more vitamins. We’ll ask the doctor.’ My mom had a strange look in her eyes. ‘But just so you know, the college discussion isn’t over yet.’
At the doctor’s, I got my stitches; they did the usual routine procedures and asked me questions like "did I eat breakfast", "had I passed out before" or "was I under a lot of stress".
When we got home, I felt like I hadn’t slept in a week and consequently went straight to bed. I slept for the rest of the day and the night.
‘Time to wake up.’ My mom entered my room. ‘How do you feel?’
‘Better.’ I stretched.
‘How about going to school?’ She asked.
‘Okay.’ I sat up. ‘Mom, are you mad?’ I asked carefully.
‘Yes, I’m mad. I feel deceived. Besides, who else knows about you not having a place next year?’
‘Nobody yet. I always changed the subject.’
‘We will need to figure something out. Saturday, you are spending with me.’
I went to school which was more of a meeting point at the moment. Nobody in our grade concentrated on anything the teachers said anymore.
Later that day, Fiona wanted to see my bald spot from the stitches.
‘You passed out for no reason?’ She asked. ‘That can’t be a good sign.’
‘Probably, I just didn’t drink enough water. That’s what the doctor said.’
‘You need to look after yourself. Otherwise, I think I need to stay here to make sure that you are okay.’
‘You just try anything to find an excuse not to have to be separated from me.’ I poked her stomach.
Two days after passing out, I received a phone call from the doctors’ office.
‘Mr. Reynolds?’
‘This is he.’
‘You were at our praxis two days ago and we now got the result of your blood work and concussion scan. We’d like to have a closer look on them with you. Could you maybe come by this week?’
‘Um, why, is something wrong?’ I was a little startled. Normally, you wouldn’t get a personal call from the doctors’ office, as long as you paid the bill. They are always busy enough.
‘I can’t give you any information on the phone, but it would be good if you can bring your mother.’
That couldn’t be a good sign. ‘Can we come tonight?’ I didn’t want to wait around to find out that something wasn’t as it was supposed to be.
My mom and I were sitting on black, uncomfortable leather chairs. Perhaps they would have been comfortable in another environment but everything about a doctor’s office was discomforting in the first place.
Opposite of us, behind his typical doctor’s office desk, sat Dr. Thaler in his white coat. He looked serious.
‘Kevin, how are you feeling today?’ He asked his usual opening question.
‘Um, okay.’ I said although I was pretty sure that he was going to tell me that this wasn’t the case.
‘Let’s get these threads out of your head first.’ He moved around the desk and told me to sit on the bed. He picked up a few instruments and started working on my wound. It tingled and poked a few times but it was over quickly.
‘So, Kevin. That’s already done. I wished I could tell you goodbye now and go enjoy your summer but I’m afraid what I have to tell you will spoil that.’ He looked from me to my mom, who had an alarmed shadow creeping across her face. I was just getting confused and wanted to get down from the bed.
‘No, simply stay seated, I’ll come right to the point. We saw some abnormalities in your bloodwork and with your family history, we had a good lead on where to start looking.’
At that moment my heart dropped, my blood froze and I felt like venom was suddenly poisoning the insides of my body. I knew what he was going to say.
‘And sadly that lead was proven right. You have cancer in your lymph system.’
My mom turned pale and clasped her hands in front of her face, staring at me horrified. I only vaguely registered that Dr. Thaler said something about that usually Morbus Hodgkin isn’t inheritable and that it was mainly a very bad coincidence that I got it too. I simply felt numb. The world around me faded and I could only concentrate on one thing. The word with the big ‘C’. Cancer. Death sentence.
That’s how fast your life could change. In one second you think you are a teenager who is tired from the hardship that comes with growing up and in the next moment you know that you probably won’t ever again run around carelessly on a soccer field with friends of your age. Slap in the face, punch in the guts. No, from now on, I’d be doomed to lie in sterile rooms with sterile beds looking at depressing walls surrounded by creepy sounds and smells.
The days that followed were very surreal. After the first shock had passed, my mom got that determined look on her face and was buzzing around from hospital to hospital making appointments and phone calls and talking hours about the best plan to proceed. At least she didn’t have to read a lot about my type of cancer anymore. She still had all the knowledge from when my dad had it. She knew what we had to fight. And therefore I had no clue how she could have any hope to even try to fight this thing. I had the sickness my dad died off. I knew what this had done to my mom. To us. And I didn’t want to be the cause that she had to relive this again. Already going through something like
that once, is too much for any human being. Now I made her go through it a second time. I’d rather have died on the spot to shorten the pain. But hell, I was too young to die. And I had just reached the age where I was starting to take care of myself. I wanted to take some responsibility off my mom. Now I’d be a bigger burden than ever.
I was crying in my room, when my mom came in. She sat down next to me and took my hand into hers.
‘I know this is scary but you are younger than your dad. Your chances of survival are much better.’
‘How can you look at this so positively?’ I said through my sobs. ‘It will just make the pain bigger when we figure out that nothing works.’
‘I need to. If we give up now, we have lost anyway. Medicine is better too than 15 years ago.’
I snorted.
‘You have to want to fight it as well. I can’t fight it for you. And I need you to give your all, Kevin. Now you have your reason, why you were always so tired but now you need to get up and do everything the doctors say to make this better. If not for yourself, do it for Fiona and me.’ She said with wet eyes.
I started crying harder. ‘That’s what is so bad about this. I didn’t want to disappoint you and now, I cause you all this work.’
‘That’s not your fault.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘And I believe that people only receive tasks they can cope with and God believes that we are strong and can deal with more.’
I shook my head.
‘Have you told Fiona and Eric?’
‘No.’ I yelled. ‘I just want to finish school like a normal person. I don’t want them to pity me.’
‘Okay, okay.’ She stroke my head softly. ‘How about this, for the next two weeks, we pretend that everything is normal. We think this was a bad dream. And on the first day of vacation, you start the treatment but you believe that you will be healthy again.’
‘How can we just ignore the fact?’ I said.
‘You said so yourself that you don’t want the others to know yet. We’ll give us two more weeks of sanctuary and gather some strength.’
‘Okay.’ I wiped away my tears, deciding then and there that Fiona was never allowed to know. She should be in a sanctuary forever because I was sure that she would really not go to Florida if she heard about my illness, as stubborn as she was.
Of course, I couldn’t entirely ignore the fact that my body was a ticking time bomb. But I laughed when the others laughed and I played to be excited about what awaits us at college. Not much different from how I was pretending before already, with the sole difference, that now I envied them for having plans for their future.
Chapter 11
The prom of my high school took place four days after the diagnosis. I promised myself to give it my all that Fiona, Eric, Lea and I would have a last carefree evening together.
Fiona had settled on a light green dress that went down to her knees and was tied around her neck. She looked beautiful when she came downstairs at my house after she got ready in my room. Her hair was curled and pinned to her head. When she turned around I noticed that she had extremely sexy shoulder blades. The thrill of anticipation made her eyes sparkle even more than usual.
I was sitting miserably in the living room pretending to be happy, already ready in my black suit with the matching green tie that she had made me buy.
‘Next week you won’t have to wait so long, I’ll go to the hairdresser to get my hair fixed because at my school I’m still a candidate for prom queen, you know?’
I nodded with the forced smile that I had plastered on my face four days ago and which came back on whenever I was in public. My mom already scurried around us with the camera, taking pictures of every moment. So far she played along in not telling anybody.
‘And now, give her a kiss.’ My mom ordered when we were standing at the bottom of the stairs.
‘I feel like we are getting married.’ Fiona laughed. ‘I didn’t know you were such a photographer.’ She directed at my mom.
‘My only son is going to prom. I should be allowed to keep some memories of this event.’ My mom said and I could see tears dwell in her eyes. I squeezed Fiona a little tighter.
Fiona raised an eyebrow but finally, we kissed for the picture and I too, tried to captivate the feeling of her lips and the taste of her breath for how long would I still get to feel this?
Eric, Lea and their parents arrived at our house shortly after that. Our garden was the perfect setting for more pictures.
‘Suits fit us well. We should wear them more often.’ Eric clapped on my back. ‘The only time I wore one was at my grandfather’s funeral and there I was 12 and adorable.’
‘How about we don’t mention things like funerals tonight? We’re having a party to start our new lives.’ I said a little briskly.
‘You are right. But James Bond has to watch out anyway. How long do you think until they need a new Daniel Craig? Will I be the right age to take the role until then?’ He joked.
‘In case you are, feel free to introduce me to some of the bond girls.’ That earned me a box from Fiona and I laughed for real this time.
After another session of group pictures in the bright sunshine, I hugged my mom, and we all got into Eric’s car and drove to River Manor.
A crowd of our senior friends had already formed at the parking lot. It was an unusual sight, the girls all in their beautiful dresses and the men in suits.
River Manor was a little elevated so that everyone who was walking up to the house had a wonderful view of the ocean in the background.
The theme of our prom was ‘Hollywood’ and so they had a red carpet rolled out leading to the front door, lined with torches.
Apart from Eric and Lea, there was Samantha and Josh and Dylan and Jodie at our table. We laughed at some anecdotes from our High School time but when their conversation turned to what their summers had in store for them, I turned quiet and listened.
‘And you Kevin? Are we boring you or why are you being quiet as a grave?’ Josh asked.
‘I’m listening with great interest. It’s because I have nothing to contribute. I just stay here and do some work here and there, you know. Fiona goes to California with her parents for 3 weeks, that’s much more exciting than my plans.’ I tried to distract the attention away from me.
‘I’ll come work again as well. Mr. Bullers is expecting us.’ Eric grinned at me.
‘I know.’ A pang of guilt washed over me. Him I’d have to inform as well.
After dinner, Fiona was all fidgety beside me.
‘Do you want to dance?’ I asked.
‘I thought you’d never ask.’ She smiled and got up, dragging me to my feet. I’m not a good dancer but I wished we could have stayed like this all night, her face next to mine, feeling her soft skin and holding her in my arms. But then, the music changed to a group dance like "Macarena" and then there followed a few less couple-dancey songs. I sat these songs out for suddenly I felt sick. I sat on my chair but it didn’t make me feel better and so I dizzily walked to the bathroom, making it just in time. Generally, if you throw up, it makes you feel better. This time, it plainly left me feeling exhausted and shaky. I dropped back onto my chair, trying to get a few sips of coke inside me.
‘What’s up with you?’ Fiona sat down next to me, her cheeks flushed from the dancing.
‘My stomach feels a bit funny, maybe a bad mushroom.’ I said.
‘You feel that bad?’ She grimaced.
‘No, no, I just need to sit down for a moment and rest in peace.’ I managed to say while a new wave of dizziness washed over me.
Fiona squeezed my hand. ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
I shook my head. She stayed seated tabbing her foot along to the music.
‘You can go dance again. You can still have fun even if I don’t feel that well.’ I said after a while.
‘I’m here to be with you. Whether we dance or sit, who cares?’
I took a deep breath. If
she knew about the cancer, she would throw her Florida plans overboard and stay here to make sure I got better. I couldn’t be a sudden speedbump on her highway to success.
Eric and Lea returned to the table as well.
‘Are you tired already?’ Eric asked.
‘He doesn’t feel well.’ Fiona answered for me.
‘Hm.’ Eric’s shoulders sagged a little. ‘Do you think it will get better and you can come to the after party or...’
‘How should I know?’ I sighed. ‘Right now, I just wish to be in bed. I turn out to be the party pooper at my own senior prom.’ I snorted.
‘Maybe you need some fresh air and will feel better?’ He suggested.
‘I can try.’ I got up like an old man. They accompanied me outside, the girls soon standing there, clasping their arms around their upper body because of the evening breeze.
‘And? How do you feel?’ Fiona asked.
‘No difference yet.’
‘Do you want to go home?’ She looked at me with concern in her eyes. ‘Eric could drop us off before they go to the after party.’
‘That’s actually a good suggestion.’ I felt relieved.
‘That’s too bad, man.’ Eric said. ‘I imagined this evening a little different.’
‘Sometimes, life is not how you wished for it to be.’ I said grumpily.
‘Don’t be offended. I just thought that this would be a night where we’d all get to see the sunrise together.’
‘It will be more romantic if it’s just you and Lea anyway.’ I said.
Eric drove Fiona to her place and then dropped me off at my house.
‘Have fun you two. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’ I managed a grin.
‘That narrows it down. You get better. See ya.’ Eric waved.
