by S. L. Giger
I got a condom out of my desk drawer and once that was on, I started kissing her again and gently forced her back on the bed, my body rubbing against hers. She felt hot and the desire of feeling her from the inside rose sky high. I kissed her neck and she slightly moaned, which almost made me lose my control. I kissed her more firmly while carefully pushing inside her, taking both our breaths away.
What came afterward was better than I could have dreamed. When I came, my whole body was shaking. She wrapped her legs around my body, hugging me close to her and kissed my flushed cheek.
So that was the difference between making love and having sex. I really liked the difference.
Even half an hour later, my breathing still hadn’t returned back to normal. We lay, still naked, under the sheets, our feet entangled. Fiona’s head was at the height of my shoulder and her breath on my neck sent pleasant shivers down my spine.
‘Laying here with you is wonderful.’ I said.
‘Mhh.’ She answered dreamlike.
‘I can’t even say if the actual act – although it was great - was better than simply holding you and feeling you close to me now.’ I swallowed. ‘I’ve never felt so comfortable with a woman.’ I wanted to prolong this moment of bliss, shared in secrecy.
‘I love you’. She whispered in my ear.
As soon as she said it, I knew that I had wanted to say it to her all along. ‘I love you, too.’ I whispered back and kissed her again. This was the first time in my life I had said this to someone other than my mom. It freed something inside me. I felt my heart expanding in my chest like a big balloon, pushing euphoria into every corner of my body. Telling Fiona that I loved her felt so right, so natural as if she was destined to be the one to hear these words from me. You might think that this is silly but at that moment, I knew that she was the person I wanted to say ‘I love you’ to for the rest of my life.
At some point, I remembered that we were supposed to go out for dinner. I waived that thought away. I was sure that Eric would understand.
Chapter 8
The days turned shorter and colder. It even snowed twice in December.
The night of the first real snow Fiona spent at my place. If it went after my mom’s or her parent’s wishful thinking I probably wouldn’t have known what it was like to sleep next to Fiona until we were married. That only raised the excitement in sneaking behind their backs. Sometimes, my mom would go out with friends or have a yoga class and come back after my bedtime. Luckily, she had long stopped checking up on me when she got back late, since it would be an invitation for Brownie to dart into my room and wake me for which my mom and he would earn angry groans. Therefore, she usually wished me good night before she left and once she was gone, the path was cleared for Fiona to arrive. She told her parents that she had a sleepover at one of her friend’s houses. The car she parked a few roads down and we’d hide her shoes and jacket in my room so that we could spend the night together in my childhood bed.
‘Isn’t this magical?’ She asked as we watched the dancing snowflakes through my window. ‘The earth gets covered by a white blanket which silences the world for a moment. I think there never is such a quiet night during the year like the night of the first real snowfall.’ She said.
‘Yes, but in two days the snow will already annoy me.’ I hugged her closer. ‘Long Island roads and the drivers on them are not prepared for snow and the chaos is inevitable. Plus, running gets harder also.’
‘Yeah, it’s harder for me too. That will be one thing that is easier in Florida. Why don’t you apply for a college there as well? Some deadlines aren’t until April.’ She squeezed my arms.
‘We don’t have that kind of money for an out of state school, Fiona.’ College was a bit of a sore point. ‘And my grades aren’t good enough to get a scholarship.’ And my running ability wasn’t as good as hers either, I had to admit to my sorrow.
‘The separation will be hard. I can’t be without you for one day. How am I supposed to last a whole semester?’ She turned to face me.
‘I don’t even want to think about it.’ I tightened the hug. ‘But we will figure it out. What we have is stronger than a few miles of separation.’
‘Damn. It just sucks. I kind of wish I didn’t have a scholarship and could just stay here.’ She sighed.
‘No, don’t. This is such an opportunity for you. You have to use it.’ I was shocked how she could even think of something like that.
‘I already know that I won’t be able to concentrate if I don’t get my daily dose of Kevin.’
I chuckled.
The next day, like every day, we went jogging after school. That was the worst day yet. Already after twenty minutes of light jogging, my lungs burned as if they were on fire. I couldn’t breathe, and I did not like that feeling at all. I stopped and bent over to catch my breath. Fiona jogged on the spot, looking at me with concern in her eyes.
‘Maybe you should wear a scarf over your mouth.’ She suggested.
I avoided her eyes, staring at the ground. I felt like the biggest loser. My lungs used to be my strength and never let me down. I coughed a few times to pump some warm air from the depth of my lungs into my frozen airways.
‘I hope you aren’t catching a cold.’ Fiona rubbed my back.
‘I don’t know. I don’t feel so well.’
A cold was a good idea. I didn’t feel so motivated the following days to go jogging so I just pretended to be coughing and have a sore throat for the next week. It was a bit annoying to always have to act sick when Fiona was near me but I really couldn’t admit to myself that I wasn’t able to keep to my schedule. Then, I caught pneumonia and had to stay in bed for ten days. Love, your karma.
‘How is my poor patient today?’ Fiona visited me every day and made tea and soups for me when my mom was at work.
‘I feel like cooked leek. Limp and hot.’ It was no fun to be sick.
‘Poor you.’ She touched my forehead with an agreeably cold hand. ‘Yes, you still feel like you have a fever. Here drink some more.’ She handed me the cup. I took it with both hands, for only one wasn’t strong enough.
‘I hope you are back on your feet at Christmas.’
‘That’s weeks away, of course, I’ll be healthy until then.’
‘But even in December, for the Christmas season, it’s so pretty with all the lights and the Christmas markets. Can’t you feel the magic in the air at this time of a year? Everyone is happier and kinder, where you look you see excited children who can’t wait to see what Santa will put in their stocking this year and there’s always the smell of Christmas cookies in the air.’ She raved.
I think, if anyone had let her, she would still believe in Santa today, simply to hang onto something miraculous.
‘Since I have some time on my hands right now, what do you want for Christmas?’ I asked her, congratulating myself that I was so early but earned a distraught look from her.
‘I’m not just telling you something I want and you buy it for me, if I could just as well buy it myself. What’s the romantic sense in that?’
I shrugged my shoulders, somewhat overwhelmed. ‘That’s how Eric and I do it. And my mom always loves what I get for her anyway. But I see,’ I sighed, ‘this will be a task to keep me busy for the next weeks.’
When the doctor found that I was fit to leave the bed again, he said that I should take it slow with running. I was kind of relieved because after this sickness, there was no way anyway that I could keep up with Fiona or the runner group at my school. In my newly found free time, I fixed everything in our house that could be improved, plus, I thought about Fiona’s present. It needed to be perfect and to come up with the perfect gift was a pretty stressful task.
Up to that year, I never thought much of Christmas. That feeling of sharing love and joy with the family just never came up since it was only my mom and me and when I was little also my grandparents. Therefore, I mostly spent the 24th of December at Eric’s ho
use and in the evening I’d go to a party at friends of my mom’s, or we’d stay home and watch comedies. Nevertheless, we decorated the house like everybody else in our street. Every year, we put up a waterfall of golden lights which were flowing down from our roof and there were a few snowflakes on every window.
‘Mom, what do girls like as presents?’ I asked her when we were hanging up the snowflakes.
‘Having trouble finding a gift for Fiona?’ She winked at me.
‘It’s so important to her, a perfume doesn’t seem special enough.’ I responded.
‘Well, what does she love? Not just objects, what are her hobbies except running? Of course, you could find something for her for running as well.’
I pondered for a while. Then I had the igniting spark. ‘Thanks, mom, an idea just came to me.’ I went and kissed her on the cheek. ‘By the way, what would you like?’
‘It would be enough for me if you finally send your college applications.’
‘I did!’ I retorted and looked to the ground, feeling a pang of guilt rushing through me, that I still hadn’t gotten around to sending these letters. There just always seemed to be more important things than that, or I was too tired to think about it.
‘Oh, good. It was about time. Even the community colleges won’t wait around forever.’
I made a mental note to sit down and write some essays that evening.
We moved on to decorating the Christmas tree. It was a real one which brought the smell of the forest into our living room. We never put a lot of system into hanging the tinsel and the ornaments on the twigs because we liked it crowded and colorful.
However, in Fiona’s family, Christmas had a whole different meaning. When I first got to her house, after they had put up the Christmas decorations, I had to laugh. A Mistletoe hung under about every door in the house.
‘That was my idea.’ Fiona gave me one of her beautiful smiles. ‘It’s for good luck.’
I took her hand and walked through the whole house, kissing her in every door.
Another decoration thing was, that a teddy bear with a knitted pullover was sitting on every step from the basement up to a third of the stairs to the upper floor. Most of their pullovers had a year worked into the wool.
‘My parents started this when they went to Europe 20 years ago. They buy a bear for Christmas every year to remind them how many years of peace and war they have already survived with each other.’ Fiona squeezed my hand. ‘I hope we will also have our little gallery of something one day.’
‘Sure, how about we run a different marathon every year and line up the trophies over the kitchen sink, so you can always look at them when you wash our dishes?’ I joked.
‘First, I’m an emancipated woman. I won’t be the only one washing dishes.’ She held one finger in the air. ‘Plus, the way you’ve been running lately, you will hardly collect any marathon trophies.’
Ouch. I let go of an annoyed breath. ‘I will get back on track when it’s warmer again.’
‘Yes, of course. I know that.’ She wrapped me in a hug.
I hoped that this was as certain as she expressed it because at that moment, I didn’t feel fit at all.
Chapter 9
On Christmas, I handed Fiona a box of pralines with a self-written card, in which I explained that this was a coupon for the actual gift.
‘And you won’t tell me what it is?’ She made a pleading face.
‘No, that’s the whole idea of a surprise.’
So, on a Saturday, we took the train into Penn Station. I like taking the train. It’s a good change to the car and there’s this familiar smell of fake leather seats.
‘And, do you have any idea what we’re going to do?’ I asked her while we jovially strolled towards Broadway.
Fiona looked radiant in her red winter coat and the black hat she had pulled over her ears. It was a beautiful day. The sun glittered in the last reminders of snow that still lingered in some corners and the icy wind that had blown during the past days had died out.
‘You’re taking me shopping for the after Christmas sale at Victoria’s Secret and because it wouldn’t have been as special at our mall, you’re taking me to the city?’
‘Nice try but no. However, I think you’ve just made me change my mind. That’s actually a much better idea.’ I grinned at the thought of watching her try on different types of underwear.
I bought a bag of roasted chestnuts from one of the street sellers near Times Square and we continued our way in the direction of the right theater. When I took a right into the street with the RENT theater, Fiona gave me a skeptical glance.
I closed the lines of the people waiting in front of the theater without batting an eyelid while inwardly, I was having a laughing fit. Apparently, Fiona really would never have expected from me to come up with an idea like that.
‘But, what?’ She paused and looked at me quizzically. ‘We’re not really going to watch RENT, are we?’ There was already an excited gleam starting to show in her eyes which she wasn’t completely ready to let break through yet.
‘That’s indeed what we’re going to do.’
Her eyes widened.
‘No way!’ She shrieked. ‘That’s awesome! You’re unbelievable!’ She literally started to jump on her spot and clapped her hands together like a little girl. I couldn’t suppress a grin.
‘I’m so happy. You’ve no idea how long I have wanted to go see this for.’ Fiona hugged me and gave me a kiss.
It was one small remark she once made about RENT being her favorite musical and with Eric as my friend, he informed me what it was about.
When the lights began to dim, Fiona took my hand and gave it a squeeze. She didn’t let go of it until the break.
‘Wow, it’s even so much better than the movie. It’s incredible!’ She looked happy. ‘And to see some of the actors from the movie perform live, amazing!’
Sometimes during the second half, I caught myself glancing at Fiona instead of the scene on stage. It was such a pretty sight how she was spellbound by the play and followed every word of the actors. Cute how someone could be taken up by a story that much.
Out on the street again, she pulled me aside and put her arms around my neck. ‘Honestly, I can’t thank you enough. It was amazing! This day will be hard to top.’
Unfortunately, now the harsh wind was back and we always had to run to the other side of every intersecting street because there the wind was unbearable. Between blocks, we were safe. We only wore gloves on our outside hands. With the other hand, we were holding each other. I had them comfortably tucked into the pocket of my jacket.
Chapter 10
Life for me was better than ever. Fiona was so happy with me after the city trip that anything I did pleased her and I had some pressure taken off me because I didn’t have to think of any presents anymore for a while. The next big event that would come up was prom and we would even be able to go to two senior proms.
‘So, first, it will be your prom and the week after we can go to mine. At least that way, buying a nice dress will be worth it.’ Fiona said. She liked to have everything organized and to have a plan for everything.
‘Prom, wow.’ I puffed my cheeks. ‘How does it make you feel that High School will be over soon. That we will suddenly be with new people instead of the friends we had for all of our lives.’
‘It’s kind of scary.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But it’s also exciting. It will be so different from what we know so far.’
‘For you it will be. I’ll still be around here.’ I responded.
‘Yes, because that is what you choose. You feel at home here on Long Island, between the Atlantic Ocean and the Big Apple.’
I shrugged and grinded my teeth. I belonged to the bunch of losers who wouldn’t go to college at all. It wasn’t that I was stupid or anything. I just had no idea which study branch I should choose and to figure this out, I’d have needed to read through so much information and
I was plainly too tired to look into these things. Not lazy; tired. There is a huge difference. Procrastination is the thief of time. And it was inexplicable to me, where the time went but it was definitely too late for me now, to apply to a college. That train had left for this year. Strangely, I didn’t even care. But I cared about what Fiona thought and she wouldn’t like the fact, so, until I found a solution, I would come up with some white lies.
‘You will like it, you’ll see.’ Fiona went on. ‘I’m not scared about settling into somewhere new. I’m only a bit afraid of what will happen to us.’ She looked at me shyly.
‘Why?’ I pulled her closer to me. ‘If I am sure about anything, it’s that we belong together. Even distance won’t bring us apart. We will call, we will write.’ I could plan surprise visits to you, I added in my thoughts.
‘Yes, I know we can make it. But I don’t want to be away from you.’ She lamented. ‘How will I survive?’
‘Believe me, I wished you could stay here or I could come with you-‘
‘I could stay.’ She cut me off. ‘I could find something here. Or we take a break and travel together.’
‘And your parents would allow that?’ I laughed. ‘Fiona, don’t be ridiculous. You have a chance here that not many receive and you worked hard for it. We just take it one day at a time.’ I kissed her forehead.
‘Mhh.’ She nodded. ‘I dare you if you don’t call.’ She hugged me.
‘We both know that you will be the one who is too busy to call.’ There, she would find runners again that were on her level. What if I became boring?
She shook her head. ‘Too busy to talk to you? Never.’ She said vehemently.
I grinned. ‘I love you.’
You know what is funny? Well, funny in a sadistic kind of way. Always when you’re most at ease with the world or you ask yourself how you can possibly be so lucky to deserve all this happiness there comes a blow that hits you harder than ever. It’s so unexpectedly out of the blue that it simply leaves you breathless, dizzy and confused for a while. And then you know again, that you’re no God and you truly should appreciate the good times you have more often.
