by S. L. Giger
I nodded. ‘Thank you.’ We shook hands with him and left the office.
In the hallway my mom pulled me into a surprise hug and squeezed me until I didn’t have any air left.
‘Mom, you’re choking me.’ I breathed.
She held on a little longer and kissed the top of my head.
‘I’m so happy.’ She let me go.
‘But there’s still such a long stretch ahead of me and all this poison I’ll have to take. Will there even be anything left of my old body and old self?’
‘Yes! You will be alive!’ She exclaimed.
‘Alive with what kind of permanent damages?’ I responded.
‘Let’s not worry about that for now.’ She squeezed my shoulder. ‘The important thing is, that you made it to the next stage. Even though it’s hard at least we know it’s working and the treatment is making you better. You have to see this as a good thing.’
My mom was so happy it was contagious. ‘I do.’ I smiled. ‘So, let me get my stuff and let’s go home. We can still decorate our house and get it ready in time for Christmas.’
Chapter 15
On 24th December we invited Eric and his family for a deliciously home-cooked meal. Afterward, we played Monopoly until well after midnight. On Christmas day, I woke up late, still feeling as if I had hardly slept. My mum and I had a feudal brunch and afterward, we unwrapped the presents that were below the tree. I got a book with advice on comics drawing and for my mom, I had bought a tree ornament from a handicapped person at the hospital. It was a snowflake made of tiny sticks.
Then, I played a little with my dog Brownie. I had hardly got to see him lately. Unfortunately, he wasn’t allowed at the hospital. They really should change the animal policy because I strongly believe that animals can have a healing effect on humans. Brownie surely did on me, for at home, it was him who would always wander into my room, waggling its tail as if to check up on me. When all I could do was lie still on my bed because everything hurt too much to move, he would simply rest his head on the brim of my bed and look at me with his big, dark brown eyes. I saw more understanding in these eyes than in any human face. I think, he understood how much pain I was in and wanted to ease some of it.
The rest of Christmas day, I could have spent reading Christmas cards. It was unbelievable how many we had received that year. So many people wished us strength and that I got better quickly. It touched me again how they all cared about me and still thought of me, even some people we hardly knew. But I felt pretty tired from all the Christmas excitement and therefore, I went to lie down for a while. I must have slept for several hours because it was already dark in my room when I opened my eyes again. I could make out a shape next to my bed. For a moment I thought that it was Brownie. But it wasn’t Brownie, the shape was too tall. After rubbing the last bit of sleep out of my eyes I tried to put a face to this shape. Great, I probably had a fever again because I often fantasized about Fiona suddenly sitting by my hospital bed. Therefore, I turned my head to the ceiling to get a neutral vision and then I closed my eyes again. The next time I would open them, she would be gone. It always happened.
Except for this time, someone touched my hand. I kept my eyes closed and enjoyed the sensation of Fiona’s soft hands, which knew so well how to caress my skin. So many times in the past seven months had I longed to touch her. Then, my curiosity got bigger and I looked at her anew. Her eyes gleamed in the dark and I could make out a crooked smile on her face as if she tried to hide with a smile that she much rather wanted to cry. I sat up and she let go of my hand. But she remained sitting there.
‘How could you keep that from me?’ Fiona spoke with a thin voice. ‘I was shocked. I didn’t know anything about this. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.’
‘Hello to you, too.’ I whispered, still not entirely believing that she was sitting here.
‘Hi.’ Tears started rolling down her cheeks.
All the thoughts rushed through my head at once. All the things I had wished to say to her in her absence, above all, to apologize but at that moment, my mind was overwhelmed and I could only stare at her. She was even more beautiful than I had remembered her. Finally, I pulled myself together.
‘You are here.’ I gasped out.
‘I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for your mom. She called my house an hour ago to tell me that you were better.’ Fiona laughed a hollow laugh. ‘That maybe I would be okay with it now to talk to you because she thought being in contact with me would mean a lot to you.’ She snorted. ‘I was shocked and she didn’t understand the world anymore either. I had to come over right away.’ She swallowed. ‘But now I’d first like to have an explanation. Did you not love me and this cancer just happened in addition or is there perhaps something more to your sudden break-up?’ She wiped away her tears.
‘Wow. Let me start by saying that it’s amazing that you are here. I thought I’d never see you again but I always hoped I would and now that you are so close again, I just want to stop time and stay in this moment forever.’ Our eyes locked for a few seconds, then she directed her gaze to the ground.
‘Maybe I should start by saying that I’m sorry that I hurt you. I really am. That bike ride was one day after I got diagnosed. I was worried that if you knew about it, you’d decide to stay here.’
‘Wow. Really?’ She said, hurt. ‘What would have been so bad about me staying here? Did you really not want me around?’
‘No, that came out wrong. All I wanted was to stay close to you. But I couldn’t come with you and you wouldn’t have stayed for the healthy me, because your plans in Florida were important and we could have made it work. But you would have stayed for the sick me.’
‘And? I could have supported you, maybe could have made it easier for you.’
‘But I didn’t want to be your charity case!’ I said firmly. ‘My chances of survival weren’t that great and I couldn’t let you throw away your life for this.’
‘I wouldn’t have been throwing away my life. You were my life. You were everything to me.’ She stressed every word. ‘It would have only been fair to let me make this decision myself. If I really meant something to you, we should have gone through this together.’
‘But you did. You still do. For me it’s not past tense, Fiona, my love for you hasn’t lessened a bit since the first time I told you.’ I swallowed. ‘If anything, it only grew stronger. These past few months were terrible. I was imagining all kinds of things that you were doing down there in Florida, while at the same time, I mainly wished the whole time that you’d walk into my room and I could take you into my arms. But you deserved better than a dying boyfriend.’
‘I knew you weren’t the smartest person but that you could be that stupid...’ She trailed off. ‘I felt so lost when you broke up with me. I asked myself over and over again how my judgement of us could have been so wrong. I think I’d have found it easier to deal with the truth and at least still be with you instead of having all these unanswered questions.’ She leaned back in the chair.
‘Believe me, by now I’ve also realized that I made a very big mistake.’
Her expression became serious. ‘So, how are you now?’ She pressed her lips together.
‘Better. I’m much more positive about actually surviving than last spring.’ I longed to hold her hand again and moved a little closer to the edge of the bed.
‘I’m glad to hear that.’ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There was silence. Our first silence where I wasn’t sure whether it was a good one and how I should proceed.
‘How is Florida?’ I then asked and she accepted my offer for small talk.
She looked at me again. ‘I like it. The beaches are beautiful and during the day you hardly ever have to ask yourself the question whether you have to bring a jacket, because you never have to. But sometimes it’s almost too hot to run. So, either I go jogging early in the morning or when the sun goes down.’ She tucked a strand of hair back behind he
r ear. A movement I remembered so well. ‘There even are three official track practices a week that are before the first class in the morning. There are lots of different trails where we can go jogging. But I prefer going running on my own. I haven’t found anyone yet who has quite the same rhythm as me.’ She paused. ‘You are missing.’ She clenched her jaw.
A little hope rose in me and I asked the question that had kept me turning in a restless sleep so many nights. ‘So, there are no interesting college guys yet?’
She hesitated a moment too long and a sinking feeling spread within me.
‘There are guys who seemed interested in me and there are nice guys too. I have even been on a few dates but there wasn’t anything serious yet.’ She didn’t offer anything else.
‘Mhh, I guess I needed to expect that.’ I swallowed. ‘If you are happy, I’m happy for you. But if there is anything I could do to turn back time and do it differently, I would. I have been so stupid for thinking even for a second that I could live without you. The moment you walked out of my life, I started dying.’ I searched for her hand and she let me take it. ‘I’m so sorry for letting you down. I wanted to be perfect for you and when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to give you everything you deserved, I pushed you away.’
‘That was wrong of you.’ She whispered.
‘I know that now!’ I exclaimed.
‘I spent the past half year trying to forget you, trying to fill this void with something and rid my body of the pain that washed through me, every time I thought of you. I just didn’t understand.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I can’t just pretend now that our breakup has never happened and forget everything in between. But I’m glad you are alright for the time being.’ She gave my hand a squeeze and then let go.
‘I understand that. But it would make me really happy if you’d stay in touch with me. I can write you, or call you.’ I hugged my knees, at least having something to hold on to in case she said no.
‘Let’s start with writing. I’d like that.’ She offered a smile.
‘Good.’ I paused. ‘Do you want to go for a walk?’
‘Tomorrow maybe. This was quite a lot to take in. I think I need a moment to myself to digest it.’
‘Okay. I hope to see you tomorrow then.’ I made a move to climb out of bed.
‘No, no, stay here. I’ll find the way.’
‘Thank you, for coming, Fiona.’ I pressed my lips together.
‘Sure.’ She nodded and left my room.
I leaned back against my pillow rubbing my eyes, asking myself again whether this had just been a dream or reality. My mom knocked on my door and leaned against the door frame. She crossed her arms in front of her chest.
‘So, did you two catch up a little?’
‘Hm.’ I nodded and then offered an apologetic smile.
‘She didn’t know!’ My mom exploded. ‘You never even told her and all this time I pitied you thinking what a selfish girl she was. You lied to her and to me.’
I puffed my cheeks. ‘I know. I didn’t want her to see me this way. To have to endure all this. You off all should know how it is to lose someone you love.’ I said contritely.
‘Yes.’ She swallowed. ‘But I am grateful for every second I got to spend with your dad. I’d probably have wished him dead if he’d deprived me of being with him during that difficult time. I was his wife. You stick these things out together.’
‘Yes, but Fiona and I weren’t married. I wanted her to have what I couldn’t.’
‘Perhaps you might think that this is generous of you but it was still wrong to lie.’
‘I think I’ve got it now.’ I sulked. ‘But why did you call her?’
‘Even if you made a big leap forward it will continue to be hard and you still have a long way to go. I could see that you missed her. I mean, there are other girls around here or even at the hospital but you don’t even look. I thought her support would give you an extra push.’ She let go of a long breath.
‘I do still miss her.’ I paused for a moment. ‘She hasn’t forgiven me but at least now we are talking again. Perhaps it’s not irreparable damage. Thank you for calling her.’ I looked at my mom.
‘I hope you at least learned something out of this, Kevin. You need to grow up. You cannot just lie to people so that the puzzle pieces fit better into your game. Honor some rules and learn how to play with them.’
‘Yes. I guess I have to accept that I might get to grow up after all.’ I smiled. ‘And now I have slept long enough. Talking about games, do you want to play some Rummy? I have a good feeling that I can win even with playing by the rules.’ I got out of bed.
‘Against me? Not a chance. But good if you stick to the rules because they are also here for our protection.’
We went downstairs and set up the game. My heart was pumping slightly stronger than before fueled by the excitement that I might get Fiona back after all.
Chapter 16
Fiona agreed to meet me again the next day. She had to come to my house because due to the flu season, going outdoors was still dangerous for me at the moment.
‘So, tell me about the past months.’ She said. We were sitting in my room with an unusual distance between us.
‘They were tough.’ I told her about the different treatments I needed to endure, how I obviously lost my hair and about the many sleepless nights I had. ‘It’s so uncomfortable with all these machines and tubes around you. I was relieved whenever the sun rose and the world started to awake again. Before, I had the feeling that I was the only living being on this planet. It provided me with lots of time to think about you though.’ I smiled. ‘We had so many great moments together.’
‘We did, didn’t we?’ Her eyes had a gentle shimmer in them.
‘But often, I imagined how your college life would be. How you’d be proud after winning a race and that you’d probably meet guys on your team or at parties. It hurt to think that but it also made me proud that at least for a while you chose to be with me.’
‘I wasn’t the one who ended it, if I have to remind you.’
‘No, I’m quite painfully aware of that. But anyway, when my mind wasn’t occupied with you, I picked up a pencil and sketched different things. I’m mostly good at cartoon animals because the kids at the hospital ask me to draw for them and they always want dogs and horses.’
‘You draw?’ She asked surprised.
‘Well, I had to find an alternative to running and I’ve always been kind of handy so maybe it’s not that far-fetched.’
‘Can I see something?’ Fiona asked.
I picked up my sketchbook from the desk. ‘Here, have a look.’
She started flipping through the pages and raised her eyebrows. ‘Wow, they are really good. The facial expressions are so distinct.’
‘Thank you.’ I smiled. ‘Is there anything new with you?’
‘Not really. But I’m hooked on travelling. My roommate Amanda has Swiss relatives and therefore has been to Europe a couple of times. She tells me such awesome things. We are planning on going there together next summer.’
‘Sounds cool. I assume that I will be stuck here for a while longer.’
‘Mh. But do you feel that you are getting better?’
‘To be honest, not really. That’s what makes it so difficult. I just have to trust the doctors.’
She took a deep breath. ‘I guess.’ She looked me in the eyes. ‘I hope you get healthy quickly, though.’ Then she asked, ‘are there any other interesting news?’
I told her about Eric and Lea’s break-up. She was as surprised as I had been and some other town gossip which I overheard because I was around all the time.
‘I missed talking to you. I like having you here.’ I added in the end.
She nodded. ‘I miss talking to you, too.’
My insides quivered with happiness. ‘So, can we do something again tomorrow? We could have a drink at the hospital cafeteria. I don’t have
too many options I’m afraid.’ I shrugged.
‘I’m going skiing with my family for a few days.’
‘Oh, ok.’ I tried to shake it off without her noticing my disappointment.
‘I feel like it’s better this way anyway. Although it has been great to see you again, it’s not the same as before.’
I looked at the ground and nodded.
‘I cannot just trust you again and pick up where we left off.’ She said.
‘I understand that.’ I said reluctantly. ‘So, what can we do?’
‘Like you said, let’s start with writing each other. Find out more about each other’s daily life and get to know each other again. You can call me if you need someone to talk but at the moment I think the best for us is to just take it slowly and see how we feel over time.’
‘Sounds fair enough.’
‘And you can send me one of your drawings once in a while. I will collect them and that way, you will have a nice portfolio in a year with which you’ll have no problem to get into an art school.’
‘You’re already planning my future?’ I laughed.
‘It was just a spontaneous idea. You need some perspectives.’
‘I promise; I’ll send you at least one comic a week.’ I said.
‘Let’s see if you can stick to what you say.’ She said provokingly.
We hugged to say goodbye. It was the most exciting body contact I had since I had last held her. I wanted for it to last longer and once she left, I hoped that our paths would cross again soon.
I called Eric to tell him about the good news that Fiona had reentered my life.
‘I’m happy for you. That’s great to hear. Above all, I’m glad that this charade is finally over.’ He said.
So was I. My mind was at ease and my heart full of hope.
In the first week of January, I started with radiation. Although it dried out my skin and is so unhealthy for healthy people that I was the only one allowed in the room when the laser was on, it was the most entertaining part of my treatment. While I was by myself in that sterile room, the doctors or nurses monitored me and talked to me via radio. The voices sounded hollow and slightly bizarre and therefore I made a game out of it pretending that it was God who was talking to me.
