by S. L. Giger
‘Kevin, how are you feeling?’
God was female today. She sounded like nurse Patricia.
‘You know, God, it could actually be better. I’d like to file a few complaints.’
God ignored me.
‘Just tell us in case you feel more pain than normal or if you get dizzy.’
‘You haven’t answered my question from last time. If I die, can I jump from one cloud to the other and would I fall back down to earth if I missed or can I fly anyway?’
There was a silence. God always took his time to answer.
‘We’d like to keep you on earth for a while. You’ll see when you get here.’
‘We? Who else is there with you? Jesus? Or is Buddha over for tea? How shall I imagine you while you are talking to me? Are you sitting at a table drinking tea or looking into a crystal ball?’
’20 more minutes.’
God liked to stay mysterious.
Once I was dressed and back on my bed, nurse Patricia brought me some water.
‘There’s no tea in heaven, only vapor which you can catch with your own personalized cup or if you want something colder you can collect snowflakes and wait until they melt.’ She winked at me.
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked innocently. ‘One could think you were the one being exposed to radiation.’
‘Or that you have a fever and are fantasizing. Which we are glad that you aren’t. But I have to admit that it’s fun. And now, drink and get something normal inside you.’
Of course, I kept my promise and wrote to Fiona at least once a week. She answered me in emails, commenting my comics and telling me about what she was up to. I treasured her emails and would read them several times, appreciating it if she sent a photo to go with the text. This way of conversation was good for us now. I could spend as much time in my mind with her as I wanted and she could have the space she needed. However, one thing was clear to me; Fiona and I still belonged together and we would find a way again to be with each other.
Chapter 17
One day, on my way home from radiation, I finally met someone my age who was in a similar situation as myself. I noticed her sitting on a bench in the hospital garden, reading a book. She was wearing a woolen hat and wrapped in a thick red winter coat, enjoying the few rays of February sun. Like I said, there are not many people my age around, which sometimes could get a bit lonely. Sure, I wrote with Eric and Fiona and Eric sometimes even made it home on weekends, but that still didn’t leave me with enough personal interaction. Maybe, that’s why I didn’t have any problems in just striking up a conversation with a stranger.
‘Hey, you picked a good spot.’ I addressed her.
‘Pardon?’ She raised her eyes at me.
‘The perfect angle for the sunlight to maybe give your face a tan and since your back is against the parking lot, you don’t have to look at the cars but feel as if you are out in the nature.’
‘Ah well, yes. You have to make use of the few hours of natural warmth. Normally, I sit in the hospital cafeteria. I got hooked to their hot chocolate.’
‘Perhaps, I should try one sometime. What are you reading?’ I asked.
She held the cover of an enormous book towards me.
I read out loud: ‘Gone With the Wind.’
‘Yes, one of the biggest love stories of all the times. Really worth reading.’
‘Yeah, big sounds about right. Looks like it has quite many pages.’ I sat down next to her without asking permission. ‘So, what brings you here to this fine institution?’
She placed a book sign between the pages she had previously stuck her thumb and placed the closed book on her thin legs. I stared at the book for a moment, amazed that the legs were even able to support the weight of it.
‘Brain tumor. How about you?’
‘Morbus Hodgkin.’
‘Oh well, looks like we both won the lottery.’ She gave me a crooked smile.
‘Perhaps we should toast to this. I’d even be willing to do it with a hot chocolate. I’m not too picky these days.’
She eyed me suspiciously. ‘One moment I’m sitting here, reading my book and the next moment, I’m kind of being asked by a handsome stranger to have a drink with him. That hasn’t happened in a long time.’
‘Being called a handsome stranger has probably never happened to me.’ I grinned. ‘So, how about that hot chocolate?’
‘I was getting a little chilly anyway. Might be a good move.’ She nodded. We walked to the cafeteria at a slow pace.
‘How long have you been sick?’ I asked.
‘A long time. I’ve only picked up treatment recently again.’ She sighed.
‘I took a break too in November. It was good for me. Now, I feel like my body can take the medicine much better.’
She gave me a crooked smile. ‘Hope dies last.’
‘You are a cheerful one.’ I observed.
‘Nobody told you to hang out with me.’ She gave back.
‘No, but nobody told you to agree to come with me either and yet you did.’
‘Curiosity got the better of me. Plus, now I’m here every day, might be nice to run into a familiar face from time to time.’
We entered the hospital and inside the cafeteria, she took off her coat but kept her hat on.
‘What do you miss most about being healthy?’ I asked.
She smiled. ‘I used to dance a lot. Jazz and street dance. I hate that I’m so skinny and weak now. Plus, I really miss my hair.’ She stressed the “really”. ‘I’d have such beautiful blond hair. I wear different colored bandanas to replace the task of combing it. I had tried a wig too but it’s plainly so uncomfortable.’ As if to underline this phrase she scratched her head. ‘Sometimes, I think it’s so much easier to have cancer as a boy.’
I laughed. ‘What because of the hair?’
‘Yeah. You can be bald and people will assume that you want to join the army. As a woman however, people either regard you as sick or insane.’ She frowned.
‘I miss running.’ I said. ‘I used to jog every day. Now every flight of stairs feels like climbing Mount Everest. Guess how manly that makes me feel.’
‘I guess not so manly either.’ She smiled, her lips lifting her colorless, smooth cheeks slightly upwards. ‘It was a good decision to go with the stranger, if only to find out that I’m not the only one whose life sucks.’
I snorted. ‘You are right but the way you say it almost makes me want to prove you differently.’
‘In what way?’ She narrowed her eyes.
‘To show you that we can still have a life worth living, despite being sick.’
‘Oh, now that I’d like to see as well.’ She took a bite of the cookie we received with the hot chocolate.
That’s how it all started with Lucy. From then on I met up with her in the cafeteria practically every day. We simply sat there and talked. Having someone like Lucy close to me was great. To have someone to talk to who truly got what you’re saying or even better, sometimes I didn’t even have to say anything, but she knew exactly how I felt anyway. I felt very comfortable with her and most of all, I did not feel so alone anymore.
I still chatted with Fiona a lot but I think it wasn’t as intense anymore as before. Because before, she was the center of my universe. I had nothing else that took my mind of my sickness like Fiona did but that wasn’t exactly healthy for me because Fiona was so busy with university that it simply wasn’t possible for her to be on the phone or online with me 24/7. So, it was probably healthy for my mental state to be in actual contact with someone like Lucy. At least that’s what I told myself to justify that I spent so much time with another woman. The thing with Lucy was, that sometimes I forgot that the way we looked wasn’t normal. Sitting somewhere on the hospital premises with her was so ordinary, that I completely edited out that we were sick. We were two friends having a conversation.
When Fiona asked what new occupation I had found si
nce the letters and e-mails suddenly were a lot shorter I only responded that I was spending more time with some patients in my age. Not that I had a bad conscience – it wasn’t as if I was making out with Lucy, we were mainly talking, taking walks or sometimes we’d watch a movie together. But it would probably break my heart knowing that Fiona would feel so connected to another guy.
One day in March, my mom and I were called into Dr. Mercurry’s office again. The expression on his face was as serious as always but his eyes had a mysterious sparkle about them.
‘So, Kevin, your latest scans are thoroughly checked and I’m very happy to announce that you are cancer free.’ The corners of his mouth turned slightly upwards.
My mom and I exchanged a glance, as if to get reassurance that we had heard the same.
‘These are amazing news.’ My mom’s face lit up and she jumped up from her chair to hug me.
‘Yes.’ I laughed and let go of a breath of relief.
Dr. Mercurry nodded. When we were all seated again, he continued. ‘This means for you,’ he looked at me, ‘that there will be no more aggressive treatment at the moment and you just have to give your body a well-deserved rest and then get it back on track. Which means, take the necessary vitamins and don’t overstrain yourself with physical work.’
‘Okay.’ I said.
‘Your bones are fragile at the moment and your heart and liver had to work overtime in the past year.’ He explained. ‘We will have some check-up appointments throughout the next two years to make sure that no cancer has returned but other than that, you can slowly return to a normal life now.’
I chewed the inside of my cheek. ‘How likely is it that the cancer would return?’ I held my breath.
‘I can’t and don’t want to give you a percentage here but with your age and your health I’m quite positive that it won’t return.’
‘Mhh.’ I pressed my lips together.
‘Focus on your achievement for now. In five months you come back for your next scan and until then, there is no use for unnecessary worry.’
I was speechless. My mother asked the question for me instead.
‘He doesn’t have to come back to the hospital for five months?’
‘Yes, and then in another half a year.’
‘Wow.’ I said, still a bit in a state of shock.
We shook hands and said goodbye to Dr. Mercurry who was already putting my file away, preparing for the next patient.
‘I’m so grateful.’ My mom said when we walked to the car. ‘What should we do to celebrate? Dinner in a fancy restaurant?’
‘I still can’t entirely grasp this. When we leave now, does it really mean I’m not coming back this week?’
‘Yes.’ My mom beamed.
‘This will be almost weird.’ I laughed.
When I was alone in my room later that day, I looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time in a year, I could look at my body without staring in disgust, unsure where the enemy was hiding. Now, I just wondered whether I’d feel it if the cancer returned. Would I notice it early enough this time, that at least it would never get that bad again?
The next thing I did was calling Fiona.
‘That’s so good to hear.’ She breathed into the phone. ‘I wished I could fly home right now and have a happy dance with you.’
With Eric it was similar.
‘Awesome! Then come and visit me this weekend! We can go to some parties and celebrate!’
‘I still need to take it somewhat easy.’ I tried to slow him down a little.
‘Ah, um, okay. So, I’ll come home soon, whatever, I’m relieved.’
To Lucy, I could tell it in person.
‘So, what’s on our bucket list today?’ Lucy asked me when she got into my car the next evening. That day, she was wearing a blue bandana.
‘I told you, this isn’t a bucket list. I’m just showing you that life can still be fun.’ In the past month, I had planned several ‘dates’ for us. Sometimes, I managed to get the Lucy out who she’d probably been before. A funny and generous girl who had dreams of studying biology and taking pictures of polar bears in the arctic.
‘And I have to agree, this is quite fun. But you could at least tell me where we are going.’
‘I’m taking you to my house.’ I said.
‘Oh, mixing it up between my home and the hospital, are we?’ She winked.
‘I didn’t dare to do what I have in mind at your house.’
Lucy raised her eyebrows and I realized that this could be interpreted wrongly.
‘I’m going to cook for you.’
She let go of a breath. ‘You can cook?’
‘Don’t sound so surprised. I cook quite a lot and tonight I’ll show you that while enjoying a good meal you can feel like a rich person eating in a high-end restaurant or as if you are eating a meal in a foreign country.’
‘And what’s on the menu?’
‘I’ll bring us to Thailand. We’re having Tom Yum soup and Pad Thai.’
‘Two things I have no idea of what they are.’ She smiled.
At home, I started chopping spring onions.
‘Can I do anything?’ She asked me as she was sitting at the kitchen table.
‘Nope, I’m fine. But you can tell me something interesting and keep me entertained.’ I put some ingredients in the mortar and started squishing them.
‘First, you tell my what that smile that’s glued to your face is supposed to mean.’
I turned to her with a grin. ‘I wanted to wait with telling you until I’d be ready with something to toast but since you asked,’ I hesitated a moment to raise the suspense, ‘I’m cancer free.’
She looked up, her mouth in a smile but her eyes telling a different story. The corners of her mouth quivered.
‘I’m sorry.’ She put her hands in front of her face. ‘I’m really happy for you. There’s nothing more I wish for anyone in our situation.’
I went towards her and wrapped her fragile body into an embrace.
‘I wish the same for you too. You will get there.’ I said definitely.
She nodded, with her lips pressed together. I rubbed her back in a circular movement a few times.
‘What’s on your agenda as a healthy man?’ She asked.
‘It actually won’t be that different for now. I already decided that I’ll still go to the kids at the hospital once a week. They give me so much with their reactions. And hanging out with you of course.’
The corners of her mouth turned upwards.
I went back to the counter to continue cooking.
‘But really, it’s great. I’m very happy for you.’ She said.
I nodded and smiled. ‘So, now it’s your turn with a story.’
‘Hm.’ She thought. ‘I never had a real relationship. I always wanted one but somehow I never found the right guy. But I always wished my relationships to be somewhat like this.’
I gave her a crooked smile.
‘I know you have a girlfriend and I don’t want to intrude on anything here. But it’s nice.’ Her head made a bobbing movement as if she was nodding to herself. Then she looked at me. ‘Doesn’t Fiona get jealous?’
‘She isn’t a real girlfriend at the moment. But I don’t want her to be jealous.’ I wiped my nose and regretted it because there was some chilly on my fingers. ‘We have such a limited way of communicating at the moment, I want to use it to move us forward and not create unnecessary problems.’
‘She is a lucky girl.’ Lucy smiled, her head propped onto her hands.
‘It’s all so fragile at the moment. I don’t know where we are at. I don’t think she’d consider her so lucky right now.’
‘She will come around.’ Lucy said with such an assurance that I wanted to believe it.
Later that evening, when Lucy was back home, my mom demanded to know why I had sent her to the cinema with a friend.
‘It’s obvious that you needed the
house to yourself but what did you have to hide?’
‘I have nothing to hide. I was having dinner with Lucy.’
‘Lucy, hm?’ She raised one eyebrow. ‘What does Fiona think about that?’
I rolled my eyes in annoyance. ‘Fiona doesn’t need to worry. I just need a friend and that’s all she is.’
Spring break was when I finally got to see Fiona again. After these long intervals of never seeing her in person, it hit me even harder how beautiful she was. We went for a walk along the beach and I couldn’t stop staring at how her long hair flowed over her back like a waterfall that glistered in the sunlight with every step we took. I, on the other hand, kept my hair in a crew cut and was wearing a baseball cap most of the time. I usually put it on backwards to at least appear a little cool. This time I was wearing the hat Fiona had brought back for me from her university.
‘You look a lot better than at Christmas.’ She said after we walked in silence for a while. ‘Being a healthy man suits you.’
‘Thanks for the compliment, I guess.’
‘Have you thought about your future lately?’ She asked.
‘In what way?’ We sat down on a bench on the boardwalk.
‘Like, what do you want to do when you are back on track again?’
I chewed the inside of my cheek. ‘I haven’t dared to think about that yet.’ I pondered for a moment. ‘Well, right now I can't do anything too physical, so no internship at the lumberyard or something. Neither can I go away to college because I surely would get sick with all the germs. Plus...’ I wanted to ramble on but Fiona cut me off.
‘Listen to yourself. You're so negative! Too long people have been telling you how sick you are and what you can't do to get better.’ A little more quietly she added ‘Or to survive. But now you are better. You're not dying, Kevin!’ She squeezed my hands. ‘You're not dying. So, please make an effort and try to live like you have a future.’
