Always Tried and Proven

by Nancy Hopper

  She looked up at him with her heart aching. “Oh, Sam.” She chastised. “I feel incredible that you trusted me enough to share your past with me. I’m awed and overcome. And I’m still reeling, thinking about what you’ve been through. I … I think it’s going to take me a little bit of time to process everything, and think about all that you’ve said. So much has happened in the past two days.”

  Sam laughed mirthlessly. “Has it been two days? It feels like two years.” He sighed.

  “Not to me.” She protested. “It’s all happened very quickly. You know, I feel like I’ve been going one direction full speed ahead; and then you came along and yanked the end of my rope. Now, I’ve hit the end; but I’m not sure what to do. I’m kind of in limbo, you know? I wasn’t ready to just stop going the direction I was going. I wanted to keep right on with it. I am very satisfied with my life.”

  "And yet, you have asked me to lay it all down for a Jesus I don’t know, or love. I’m not ready to give my whole life to your Jesus. And we both know that’s what you’re really asking me to do. I can’t have any kind of relationship with you unless I accept Jesus, too.”

  Sam looked into her eyes with so much love and tenderness that it cut her to the quick. She bit her lip to stifle a sob, and closed her eyes.

  Sam gathered her in his arms, and pulled her against his chest as the tears began to fall. She didn’t know what was wrong, why she was crying. He just broke her heart with his eyes. She was confused. She was touched by his testimony, touched by his care for her, his trust in her.

  And yet, she didn’t want to change. She didn’t want to have to choose. Sam was bringing that choice to the forefront, and there was no escape. And, a deep pain was coming to the surface. She’d been hiding it inside, but Sam was bringing it to the light. She was being forced to face it. Now.

  He stroked her hair, and just held her. Her little hand looked so helpless against his chest. He could hear and feel the deep agony in her sobs. The warmth and softness of her body in his arms, stirred Sam. Her silken hair spilling over his arms caressed his skin, creating a delightful sensation.

  Sam closed his eyes as he realized that his heart was in very deep waters. His lips of their own accord found their way to her temple, to her fragrant hair. He opened his mouth to pray for her, and found confessions of his love and passion waiting there to tumble out, instead.

  “I do love you, Callie. Surely you can see that.” he whispered against her mouth. He kissed her passionately. Her lips answered his, this time; his heart leaped with joy, and desire.

  A voice inside him exerted itself, gently. “Samuel. Son.”

  Sam bit his tongue so hard and clamped his jaw so tightly that it became an unbearable ache. He closed his eyes, and sighed. Callie’s fingers and cheek against his chest were setting him on fire. Her scent was intoxicating: the smell of her hair, her sweet breath, her cologne. She was so soft, so tender; so vulnerable to him right now. Oh, he wanted to tell her so many things! The surge of passion that he felt as he let his lips kiss her hair was overwhelming. Insatiable.

  Sam could feel it; he knew that if he told her he wanted her, and that he’d take care of her, she’d accept him. The knowledge of this, coupled with his desire, created a wave of passion that nearly swept Sam away.

  “Take her! Take her inside, and have her. She’s yours! You know she’s the right one. You’ve waited ten long years to make love to a woman. You’ve wanted, and waited to have someone special. You’ve been waiting for a woman who wants you for yourself, is willing just because she is crazy about you. No drugs, no abuse. And not because she wants to attach herself to some big name ministry. Just love. It’s right in front of you; it’s been given to you! Take it! She’ll come around later on the other issues. Don’t let her get away! If you disappoint her now, she'll walk. And she'll be right to do so!”

  The thoughts made Sam absolutely dizzy. He was on fire. He’d never wanted anything as much as he wanted to make love to Callie. He was aching with passion.

  Callie raised her dewy eyes to look up at him. Her hand lifted, and her fingers stroked his cheek; then traveled down his neck to his chest, leaving a trail of agony behind them.

  “Sam?” she invited in a whisper. “Come in.”

  Sam looked down into her eyes, and knew exactly what she was saying. She was giving in. She was asking him to take her, despite their differences; despite their short time together. She was giving up. She was giving herself to him. Unconditionally.

  “Victory! Victory, victory, victory!” a voice inside him shouted triumphantly.

  Sam turned his face away, and looked out the window. His Lord was saying nothing to him. Nothing. He knew he could not take what she was offering. If he did, he would lose her, and his ministry would fall, as well. He knew it very well. He took a deep breath, wanting to scream.

  “Callie; honey, I can’t do that. I have to go.” he whispered. He closed his eyes.

  “Please, Lord. Can I at least ask her to marry me? Can I hold out some hope to her, some assurance that it’s not because I don’t want her?” he begged incredulously.

  There was no answer.

  “You’re a fool! Do something to let her know you want her!” the other voice mocked. “You’re going to lose her! You idiot! You’re no man. You’re a gutless wonder.”

  Sam sighed as he strengthened himself against speaking.

  Callie just sat there, in shock. “You can’t mean that! You’re going to just leave me? Now?” she asked incredulously. “But …” she objected. Her breasts were heaving with passion. Her breathing was labored. She was ready! She’d given him the ultimate offer. She’d offered everything she was. And he was saying no?

  “I can’t compromise you, Callie. I care too much about you to do that. Please, understand.” He said in a ragged voice. “I simply can't.”

  “But I want you to, Sam. I need you to!” she insisted. “I’ll do whatever I have to do, convert to Jesus. I'll do whatever it takes. Sam, just come in! Hold me. Love me. I need you.” She begged brokenly. Her hands on his face were painful to him. “You’ve asked me to let you in. You’re in, Sam. I can’t resist you anymore. Don’t leave me, now.” She begged.

  In desperation, she put her arms around him and put her sweet lips against his. As her tongue caressed his lips and her breasts pressed against him, Sam went slowly mad. His resolve fled.

  He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her the way he’d always wanted to. Since the first moment he’d laid eyes on her. He re-lived every moment they’d spent together as he kissed her, took what he wanted, plundered her sweetness. He had to have her. He felt that if he had to go on one more day without her in his arms, he’d die.

  When the kiss was over, there was simply no further question. They both knew that they were meant to be together. They both knew that they had to be together. Callie acknowledged it by the sweet, trembling smile she turned up to him. She was sincere. She needed him. She was truly surrendering.

  Sam acknowledged it with the burning look he gave her. She could see the love, the passion, the need in his eyes. He wanted her. He wanted her so badly! But, Sam closed his eyes, and let his head fall back, to take a deep breath.

  Callie wasn’t daunted. She kissed his jaw. Her lips worked their way down his throat as her fingers caressed his waist, his arms, his chest. Her touch was agonizing to him. Her sweet, soft little hand fell to his lap and caressed his thigh so lightly that he caught his breath, and groaned. She knew he was on the brink of giving in.

  She was right. Sam felt like the blood in his veins was on fire; it was like hot lava, surging through his body. His limbs felt weak; they trembled as the desire flooded him, and squeezed his heart until he couldn't breathe. Every cell in his body was fighting him, straining toward the delicious, soft woman in his arms. Her scent was assailing him now, more strongly than ever before. She was making him ache with every breath she took. Her eyes were disarming his every defense.

  “Callie.” He o
bjected faintly. “Honey, please. Give this time. Callie, give me time. I can’t just …”

  “Yes, you can, Sam.” She argued. Her chuckle bubbled out. “You want to. Don't fight it; just give in to your feelings, for once.” she teased softly.

  Sam swallowed hard, knowing as her hand lightly caressed his thigh, that she was purposely exacerbating the situation. He was throbbing inside.

  “No, I can’t. I can’t let my own desires run away with me tonight. On my wedding night, I can and I will. But unfortunately, I’m not married to you, yet. Be patient, Callie, and let me do this the right way. And we wouldn’t get away with it, anyway. Sadie’s looking out the window.” He groaned.

  Callie looked toward her apartment in time to see a curtain fall. “She wouldn’t!” she snapped.

  “She surely would.” Sam corrected her dryly. “She’ll do anything to keep her pastor straight, including tell on me.” He grumbled. “Honey, tonight, I can’t. Please understand. Callie, I want you; I need you more than you can ever imagine! But I can’t do this. It’s got to be … you’re not my wife yet.”

  Callie’s eyes slid shut, and she slumped against the passenger seat in disbelief. “Samuel! Of all the uptight, ridiculous, puritanical tantrums I have ever seen, this takes the cake!” She snapped.

  “I can’t. You know I can’t.” he answered tightly.

  “Then why did you make me love you? Why are you hanging around here, looking at me with those bedroom eyes of yours? Why are you tormenting me?” she lashed at him tearfully.

  “Why couldn't you just leave me alone, like I wanted you to? Why did you have to rip your way into my heart and make me think you were going to … actually love me? I thought you were different!”

  Sam closed his eyes. “Callie, I want to. I’ve never wanted anything so much. I’m in agony, too. I need you, sweetheart.” He assured her passionately. “Callie, I love you, so much.” He said, feeling as if his heart was breaking. He could feel her slipping away, her anger burning.

  “You have a funny way of showing it.” She said coldly. She got out of the car and yanked her guitar out of the back seat.

  “Callie.” He begged her in a low voice. “Please, don’t go this way. Wait! Stay with me for a few minutes, will you? Please? Darling, please . It won't take long for me to make the arrangements and ... Callie, please! Stay,” he begged.

  Callie steeled herself against the entreaty in his voice. “What would that accomplish, Sam? It’s obvious that we’re not going to resolve this! I want you, but you’d rather have Jesus. I think I knew that, all along. So I’ll just say goodbye!”

  She slammed the door shut with a thud, and stalked across the parking lot to her front door.

  Sadie was still standing in the kitchen, with her head down, when Callie came storming through the front door and slammed it behind her. She went to her room without a word to Sadie, and slammed that door, too.

  Sadie looked up, and saw Sam sitting there, alone in his car. She went outside and walked hesitantly across the parking lot, to tap on his window.

  Sam just looked at her. After a moment, he rolled the window down. “What, Sadie?” he asked in a clipped voice.

  “Sam? Are you all right?” she asked worriedly.

  “No. Sadie, I am not all right.” He answered her impatiently.

  “What … What can I do?” she asked with wide eyes.

  “Nothing. Nothing at all. Pray, I guess. I have to go.” Sam answered shortly. He turned on the ignition, and left without further ado.

  Sadie was alarmed. Something was indeed, very wrong. Sam was not, had never been like this. Not to anyone. She’d thought that he had infinite patience; infinite love.

  “Guess he’s being tested to his limit, isn’t he?” she wondered aloud. She went back into the apartment, and sighed. She gathered her will, and then she knocked on Callie’s door.

  “Honey, are you all right?” she asked gently.

  “Dandy.” Came a clipped, sarcastic reply.

  “Can I make you something to eat?”

  “No, thank you. Sam took care of that, if he did nothing else.” Callie sneered. Her anger was quite forceful.

  Sadie bit her lip. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No, thank you.” Callie assured her heartily.

  “Okay. I’ll be in my room if you need me.” She said.

  It was hard. Hard to see two people whom she loved, hurting one another. Hard to see it all happen and not know what was going on or what to do about it. Still, she knew it was none of her business and she knew she’d pushed the limits already with both of them. So, she went to her room and got down on her knees. She prayed for Sam and Callie for an hour, and then finally, she heard Callie weeping. It went on, and on, and on.

  She went in without knocking, and found Callie with her face buried in a pillow, crying her heart out. Sadie sat on her bed, and stroked her hair, praying fervently. After a long time, Callie put her head in Sadie’s lap and accepted a Kleenex.

  “Sadie, how could he?” she gasped painfully.

  “How could he what, sweetheart?”

  “He … he refused me.” Callie gasped. “He made me fall in love with him, he drove me mad, he made me agree to give up everything, made me willing to do anything; and then. he refused me!”

  Sadie raised her eyebrows in shock. “I don’t understand. What did he refuse to do? Marry you? Kiss you? See you again?”

  Callie growled in frustration. “I invited him in. Fool! Fool! I should have known he’d be too puritanical and uptight to make love to me!”

  Sadie closed her eyes. “Callie. Honey, he had to. He has no choice. He wasn’t refusing you, he was just refusing to … have sex out of wedlock.”

  “He humiliated me! There's no power in a stupid piece of paper!”

  “Callie, listen to me. Sam knows that. But he can’t just do whatever he wants. People expect him to be perfect. He can't do anything to violate their trust. And, he’s made promises to God. His life is not his own."

  “Spare me the Bible yack, would ya?” Callie snarled.

  “I can’t! Callie, Sam is a preacher of the Gospel. He can’t ignore the Bible just because he’s tempted to indulge himself. He would come under intense judgment. Now, I can’t believe he rejected you, Callie. Sam’s been chasing you too hard. I know he didn’t dump you on your head. Now what exactly caused this argument?”

  Callie sighed. “We were talking about the tent, and how it’s suddenly changing my life, and I started crying. And Sam was so ... so tender, and gentle.” She said, with a hard, sarcastic edge in her voice. “He just took me in his arms and held me, and told me how everything would work out. I know he was just trying to comfort me, but then, all of a sudden, everything was different. Everything just exploded between us. I know he wanted me. I know he did! But he wouldn’t and suddenly I just got so angry!”

  “Callie.” Sadie interrupted gently. “I believe that Sam is very serious about you. But you’ve got to understand his position, and be patient with him. I‘ve been watching, I’ve seen the desire in his eyes when he looks at you. He’s a passionate man, and he’s on fire for you. But two things have to happen before he can make his move.”

  “What?” Callie asked suspiciously.

  “You would have to accept Jesus, and you’d have to be willing to marry him. And with that comes an understanding of what your life would be like. Callie, if you weren’t behind Sam’s ministry one hundred percent, it would be destroyed. And so, I think he’s been walking a very delicate path, praying that you’ll come to know the Lord and be willing to come along with him. I hate to be so blunt and I hope I’m not interfering, but honestly, Callie, Sam’s hands are tied until that happens.”

  Sadie shrugged, feeling helpless. “He’s -- oh, Callie. I don’t think you know how far he’s gone out on a limb for you. He wants you desperately. The Sam I know would never be alone with a single woman. He’d never give a woman any idea that he thought she was beautiful, or t
hat he desired her. He’d never even be caught alone in a car with a single woman, if he could help it. Much less, do what I saw him doing through the kitchen window tonight. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it for myself.”

  Callie’s eyes narrowed. “How dare you spy on us?”

  “I wasn’t trying to spy, Callie. I was just getting worried about you! It was so late! And then I saw Sam’s car and wondered what in the world was going on. When I saw you both in the car and … Well, I closed the curtain immediately.” She insisted vigorously.

  “I made a fool of myself.” Callie moaned.

  “No, you didn’t, Callie.” Sadie argued. “You got your answer. Sam is wild about you.”

  “Well, what am I supposed to do, then?” Callie roared. “I already told him I’d do anything. Accept his Jesus, or whatever.”

  “Did you mean it, Callie?”

  “Well; yeah.” Callie grumbled.

  “But you’re just doing it because you think you have to, to be with Sam?”

  Callie shrugged and sighed. “I can’t say I’d do it, without Sam in the picture.” She admitted.

  Sadie put a hand on Callie’s arm. “Callie, don’t do it until it’s what you want to do. Sam is no fool. He knows you don’t want Jesus for His own sake, and he can’t set himself up for failure by pretending it’s real. Just give it some time, and I really think that you’ll come to really know Jesus. And, when Sam sees that, it will be a green light for him to move ahead in his relationship with you.”

  "You know, it was a close call tonight. Sam almost fell down. It would have been a disaster. If Sam lost his ministry because you tempted him, he’d be unhappy and it would undermine your relationship. In just the same way, if you pretend to believe for the sake of having Sam, it would poison your relationship, too. And I know you don’t want to be responsible for the fall of Sam’s ministry.”

  “No. I’d never do that.” Callie denied, paling.

  “It was a narrow escape, tonight.” Sadie insisted. “Sam can’t make love to you one night and preach repentance the next. He can’t indulge himself. He has to be able to stand before those people clean, walking in the light.”