Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

by Martha Long

  ‘Mummy!’

  ‘Hi, darling!’ I tried to wrap my arms around her shoulders. She had to lean down, then I was lifted off my feet.

  ‘Ohhh! I missed you!’ she squealed, kissing the face off me.

  ‘Right! Lovely! Now put me down!’ I roared, laughing me head off.

  She put me standing back on me feet, and I grabbed her in a hug, saying, ‘Oh, sweetheart! You will never have an idea just how much I missed you! How are you?’ I asked, looking her up and down. ‘At least they’re feeding you!’ I snorted, wondering if they were taking care of her. Hmm! She looks well. Then I eyed her shoulder bag. ‘Did you bring me the tobacco I asked you to get?’

  ‘No!’ she said, sweeping past me. ‘You shouldn’t be smoking. I am certainly not helping you to kill yourself, Mummy!’

  My heart dropped with disappointment. No smokes! ‘But sure I’ll have to buy them anyway!’ I moaned, rushing to catch up with her.

  ‘Where’s the car?’ she asked, stopping and looking around her.

  ‘Oh! Daisy is over here.’

  ‘What! You still have that banger?’ she roared, laughing her head off.

  ‘Of course!’ I sniffed. ‘Cheeky beggar! She’s only . . . let me see! Hmm, yeah, well, she may be thirteen years old, but she still goes like a bomb and she’s only got fifty thousand miles on the clock!’

  ‘Great! Let’s hope she doesn’t decide to give up the ghost before we get home,’ she laughed, looking the car up and down. Then she pointed her finger towards the windscreen. I followed where she was pointing.

  ‘Ah, would you come on outa that, Sarah. It’s only a bit of rust!’ I said, taking a swipe at it, seeing a bigger hole appear.

  ‘Come on, Mummy! Take it easy! This thing is ready to collapse in a heap, leaving us stranded.’

  ‘Never!’ I said. ‘Come on! Get in!’

  We climbed into the car, and Sarah threw her bag in the back, flicking her hair, and said, ‘Daddy drives a Mercedes.’

  ‘Yeah?’ I said, wanting to say something sour after hearing that one. Don’t be ridiculous, Martha. She might as well be talking about anybody. ‘Ahh! Good for him, Sarah! That means you now manage to get driven around in style,’ I said, grinning at her.

  She watched me, twisting her mouth backwards and forwards, looking to see my reaction.

  ‘Ah, yeah! That’s great for him,’ I said, turning to look at her.

  ‘Oh, Mummy. Don’t you worry. When I finish college and start earning, the first thing I’m going to do is buy you something you always wanted! Now! What would that be?’

  ‘A mink fur coat!’ we shouted together, looking at each other and laughing.

  ‘Yes, Sarah. You are not getting outa my clutches until you pay me back every penny I ever spent on you!’ I sniffed, flicking me eye over at her.

  ‘Well, that won’t take me long,’ she snorted. ‘Seeing as you . . .’

  ‘WATCH OUT!’ I suddenly said, instinctively flying my arm across to stop her banging her head, then slamming on the brakes at the same time.

  The car came to a screeching stop. ‘The dirty-looking little heap of shit!’ I roared, as we both watched a mangy black-and-white mongrel shoot past, holding its tail between his arse, keeping one eye on us. Then it scarpered for the footpath, taking off again, chasing an aul one with a little dog on a lead. Then we happily watched as she turned around, giving the mongrel a smack of the stick, sending him flying back in the other direction.

  ‘Jaysus! That dog is either the luckiest thing flying around on four legs or it’s the unluckiest!’ I said, laughing as it kept going without looking back, with its tail held tight under its back legs. I looked at Sarah, seeing her watching me and watching the dog with a laugh on her face.

  ‘Oh, Mummy! You haven’t changed a bit. I really miss all the fun we used to have.’

  ‘Do you?’ I said, feeling me heart turn over.

  ‘Yeah, really,’ she said quietly, nodding her head, letting her eyes go sad. Then she shifted closer to me, resting her head on me shoulder.

  ‘It’s so wonderful, real heaven, having you back home with me again, Sarah darling,’ I murmured, kissing the side of her head. ‘So tell me, Sarah! What’s happening with your studies?’

  ‘Well,’ she sighed, thinking about it. ‘I’m thinking of doing something in the sciences, Mummy,’ she said, looking at me, wanting to see what I think.

  ‘Yes! That’s a good idea, Sarah! You got top marks in your intermediate exams,’ I said, looking at her.

  She turned away, looking moodily out the window. Oh! Bad mistake, I thought. That’s when I let her go off to England to visit her father for a month, just after she finished her exams, during the summer. Two years ago, I thought, remembering. She stayed for good! Hmm, I better think before I open my mouth. She doesn’t want to be reminded. It might not have been a good idea. Now she has to put in an extra year because of the different system with the English A levels. Right! Don’t go saying something that will upset her. We only have this short time together.

  I took a deep breath as we headed into the village, feeling relieved now we were nearly home.

  ‘Oh, what a dreary place,’ Sarah said, looking out the window. ‘And awfully dreary people,’ she said, curling up her lip and sniffing at the Sunday strollers. People minding their own business and wearily heading home for their tea, pushing tired children in buggies.

  ‘But, darling! All your friends are here. People you have grown up with. This is where you grew up. I thought you were happy here.’

  ‘Sorry, Mummy,’ she said, turning around to look at me. ‘I wasn’t thinking. When I first moved over to stay with Daddy, I was really homesick. Then I kept telling myself it was really boring back home in Dublin. I kept trying to see everything here as dull and monotonous, whereas at Daddy’s it was in fact great fun for the first few weeks. I was the new girl at school; everyone wanted to get to know me. I did a lot of partying!’ she said, looking at me sideways, with a big grin on her face.

  ‘Hmm! I bet you did,’ I said. Not looking too impressed. ‘I suppose your father let you away with murder!’ I snorted, giving her an annoyed look.

  ‘No, in fact, we had a lot of rows!’

  ‘Did you?’ I asked suddenly, snapping me head around to look at her, feeling delighted he got a dose of teenage temper tantrums. Good enough for him! I thought to meself. That would have been a shock to his system! Ha! The joys of being a father.

  21

  * * *

  I turned the car in to the back of the house and drove into the garage. ‘Home sweet home!’ I said, switching off the engine, giving a big sigh of happiness. ‘We’re here, pet!’ I said, smiling at her as I reached over to grab her in a hug.

  ‘Oh, Mummy,’ she said, lifting her head to look at me. ‘It’s just like I never left! Everything still looks the same. It feels like I’m a child again, and we’ve just arrived back home after a long day out,’ she whispered, looking around in wonder at the bare concrete walls holding the shelves lined with old cans of paint, gardening tools, wellington boots and old garden shoes. ‘Even the smell is the same!’ she said, looking around, smiling.

  ‘Right, darling! Let’s get a move inside. Grab your bag,’ I said, opening the car door and heaving myself out.

  Jaysus! I’m feeling banjacksed! I thought, trying to stretch my neck and back as I made for the garage doors. I shut the two doors and slammed across the bolt, then made for the side door to head up the garden path.

  ‘Where’s Bonzo, Mummy?’ Sarah said as she shut the car door, making to follow me.

  I opened the side door, leaping back just as Bonzo came bounding in, taking a flying leap at Sarah. ‘Down!’ she screamed, getting the fright of her life as I staggered back, laughing the head off meself.

  ‘I was expecting that! I knew bloody well he would be waiting to steamroll me!’ I shouted, getting all excited because I was definitely wide awake this time.

  ‘That dog is mad! Why do y
ou keep him, Mummy?’ she shouted, losing the rag because he knocked her flying. ‘Mummy, he’s definitely too wild for you!’ she snorted, picking her stuff off the ground and throwing her hair back. It was all tangled, hanging right down the front of her face. She looked like she had been in a fight.

  ‘He’s stark, raving mad!’ she puffed, stopping to stare at him as he stared back, with his back paws thrown behind him and his arse in the air, waiting and wondering if she wanted to have another go at this game.

  ‘Out!’ I roared, pointing me finger straight ahead. ‘Come on, darling! Let’s go!’

  He took off, chasing his tail, flying ahead and tearing back to jump at Sarah.

  ‘Stay!’ she screamed.

  ‘He’s just excited at seeing you, love. See! He remembers you. Look, he’s trying to lick your hand.’

  She gave him a push on the snout, then grabbed him back, mangling him with hugs and slaps and shoving her face into his nose.

  ‘Don’t do that, Sarah! You never know where that fella has been putting his face!’ I said, getting all worried she might catch disease.

  ‘No, Mummy! Not our Bonzo!’ she said, pulling the long ears offa him, then taking off, trying to fly ahead of him.

  The pair of them nearly sent me flying flat on me back as they pummelled past. ‘For the love a Jaysus! Would you watch where ye’re going!’ I screamed, getting the fright of me life, thinking I could have been killed stone dead with the knock I could have got!

  I rounded the path, seeing the pair of them waiting for me to put the key in the door. Then Sarah turned her head, staring across the road to the high wall surrounded by beautiful old oak trees. They had been planted in the 1700s, when the aristocrats had lived in the old house. It’s now a convent.

  ‘What are you thinking, love?’ I said, looking over to see what she was seeing.

  ‘Oh!’ she said slowly, letting out a big sigh. ‘I’m just remembering all the happy years I spent playing in there with my friends, and of course Bonzo!’

  His ears pricked up at the mention of his name, and she stroked his head without thinking, and continued to let her eyes rove up and down the forest.

  ‘Yeah,’ I whispered. ‘Many happy years indeed.’ I sighed, feeling very contented with all my memories. ‘Yeah! It really was a child’s paradise, wasn’t it, Sarah?’

  ‘Yes, it sure was,’ she said, smiling. But her eyes looked sad.

  ‘We’re home!’ I breathed, pushing in the front door, then shutting it after me as the pair of them hurried in, one chasing the other.

  Sarah puffed, coming over to fling her bag down by the coat rack, saying, ‘Mummy! You sit down! I’ll do the cooking. What are we having to eat?’

  ‘No, darling! You keep that mutt out from under me feet. I have everything almost ready. Go on! Sort yourself out. Leave me to get on with it.’

  I rushed into the kitchen to boil the water for the spaghetti. I pulled out the big saucepan for cooking it, then opened the packet, breaking it in two, and rushed off, leaving it to boil. Then hurried in to stoke up the fire. It was nicely banked up and had settled down to a lovely red glow, giving out great heat. I gave it a bang with the poker and poked between the bars, letting it collapse a little, then put on more coal. It will roar into life by the time we sit down to eat.

  Suddenly there was a ring at the doorbell. I wonder who that is? I thought, putting down the poker and placing the fireguard around the fire for safety. Sarah answered the door, and I heard her laughing, then voices.

  Camille! I thought, as I stood looking at Sarah’s friend. They had been friends since the first day of junior school. Sarah was barely four that first week. She had trotted out holding Camille’s hand, announcing, ‘Mamma! This is my best, bestest friend, Camille! She teached me to whistle. Look!’ and she put her lips together, spitting and making a blowing sound.

  ‘Oh! You’re a marvellous whistler!’ I laughed down at her, ‘And you’re a very pretty little girl!’ I said to Camille, bending down to her. ‘I bet you are really a fairy princess, but it’s a big secret. Nobody is supposed to know that! Isn’t that true?’

  She giggled, showing her lovely sweet dimples, and Sarah and her have been lifelong friends ever since.

  ‘Ah! Camille! It’s lovely to see you! How have you been? Come here! Let me look at you. Gosh, you are all grown up,’ I said, taking in her lovely long black hair. It is so glossy. ‘God! You’re gorgeous!’ I screamed.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said shyly, looking at me and smiling, showing her dimples. She has the most beautiful blue-grey eyes, and they shine out at you, and you can see an immense gentleness in them.

  ‘You are staying for dinner?’

  She hesitated, not wanting to impose. I could see that.

  ‘Don’t you dare refuse, Camille! I’ve cooked enough for an army! There’s even too much for Bonzo. Oh, where is he?’

  ‘Out in the garden, cooling his paws,’ Sarah said, laughing.

  ‘Ah, yeah! The poor thing is probably going mad to see you all! I’ll let him in,’ I said, rushing to open the front door.

  ‘No, Mummy, leave him out there.’

  I stopped, with my hand on the door, looking at Sarah. ‘Why, darling? He’s dying to get in and see you.’

  ‘Well, I don’t want him in here. That brute will drive us all mad, jumping around the place!’

  ‘Sorry, Martha,’ Camille said gently, ‘but I’m . . .’

  ‘What’s wrong, Camille?’ I said, looking at her worried face.

  ‘She’s terrified of that savage, Mummy,’ Sarah shouted, laughing with a half-cry on her face.

  ‘Oh, but, girls, Bonzo wouldn’t hurt a fly!’ I said, looking at them, astonished. Then saw Camille looking from me to Sarah with a very nervous look on her face. ‘Ah, yeah! I understand. Sorry, darling. I forgot you are like me, terrified of dogs. It doesn’t matter what people tell you. You never trust them. No, no, leave him out there. Right, girls! Dinner won’t be long. Take your coat off, Camille. Make yourself at home.’

  ‘Come on!’ Sarah laughed, grabbing Camille by the hand and rushing her into the dining room. ‘I have so much to tell you.’

  ‘Oh! I’m dying to tell you everything as well,’ Camille breathed, laughing.

  They rushed in, slamming the door behind them. I hesitated, then rushed into the kitchen, grabbing the pot of spaghetti and emptying it into the colander. The sauce was heated, and I pushed the thick slices of Vienna rolls spread with the garlic butter under the grill. I poured oil into the deep-fat fryer to make the banana fritters. The batter was cooling in the fridge, sitting in a bowl. I already made that yesterday. It’s better that way, helps it to ferment, and I think it tastes better anyway!

  I ladled the spaghetti into the bowls and poured on the sauce, then added Parmesan cheese. ‘Ready!’ I shouted, carrying it into the dining room. ‘Dinner’s ready, girls!’ I said, kicking the door with me foot as I hung on to the tray.

  The door whipped open. ‘Sarah! It’s your favourite,’ I laughed, letting her grab the tray and following her in.

  ‘Oh, delicious, Mummy!’ Sarah screamed, already eating the grub with her eyes. She landed the tray down and whipped up the bowls, putting one in each place, then let herself drop into the chair, picking up her fork.

  ‘Eat up!’ she said, nudging Camille with her elbow, then lathered into the grub like she hadn’t eaten for a week.

  ‘Thanks for inviting me,’ Camille said, looking up at me all smiles.

  ‘Ah! Camille, darling! Stop acting like a guest. Sure, you are one of the family!’ I said, heading for the kitchen again. I rushed back in with my own plate, carrying the garlic bread in a basket after putting a serviette on the bottom.

  ‘Right! Who is going to open the wine?’

  ‘I’ll do it!’ Camille said, jumping up and rushing after me into the kitchen.

  ‘Yeah! She’s now working in a bar,’ Sarah roared after us.

  ‘Are you, Camille?’

 
; ‘Yes! I’ve got a weekend job working in the village.’

  ‘Ah! You’re a wonderful girl, Camille. Your mum must be very proud of you. You’ve grown into a beautiful young lady.’

  ‘Thank you! I always thought you were great!’ Camille laughed. ‘I actually wanted to swap Mum for you,’ she giggled. ‘You were great fun!’

  ‘Ah, will ye stop, Camille! Sarah used to go mad,’ I laughed, getting the picture of a little red-faced Sarah screaming at me with tears and snots pouring down her face as I cheated on her while playing cards! Or God knows what else I tortured the poor kid with. ‘NO! Our Sarah thought me the demon mammy from hell!’ I laughed, handing her the wine and reaching up for the corkscrew.

  ‘Well, we all thought you were great,’ she said, looking at me.

  ‘Thank you, Camille. That’s a lovely thing to say. Do you know? I still have that present you bought me when you were . . . God! You were only about twelve or thirteen. It was a beautiful bottle of bath salts with a ribbon around the neck. I was really touched by your kindness. Yeah! I keep it on my dressing table. It always reminds me of you, and when you were all uncomplicated little girls,’ I laughed.

  She stared at me, smiling, remembering those times too.

  ‘You are lovely,’ I said, giving her a hug.

  ‘Wine!’ Camille shouted, rushing back in and pouring out the wine.

  I trailed in behind her, thinking, it’s just like old times, with me having that easy relationship with Sarah. Before she went mad to get to her father and flap her wings. Camille is a lovely girl, too, so open and warm.

  ‘I’ll just have half a glass, darling,’ I said, putting out my hand to stop her filling my glass. ‘At last!’ I said, sitting down and forking up the spaghetti, wrapping it around, then aiming it for my mouth. I took a sip of wine and broke a piece of bread. ‘Delicious! What more could we want?’ I said, smiling and feeling contented with having the girls here. It’s just like old times.