Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

by Martha Long

  ‘Nurse! Nurse!’ screeched Maggie. ‘Sort out tha bloody cow! She’s keepin all the milk on her side.’

  I crept off, looking for another table. I’m not in the mood for those two. I sat down at the back of the room with the big woman. The one who told me on the day I arrived that she was going to ‘walk backwards for Christmas’.

  ‘Good evening, my dear!’ she said. ‘Do feel free to join me.’

  I sat down, glad to be in the company of civilised people.

  ‘Do try the salad. It is salmon this evening.’

  I looked at her plate. It looks nice! Salmon and potato salad with a bit of lettuce and tomato.

  ‘Yes! Good idea. I think I’ll try that,’ I said, looking around for a nurse.

  The monk was standing in the centre of the room, balancing a plate of grub in the palm of his hand, and the other one tucked into his pocket. He spotted me and grinned, making his way over to me. For once, my heart didn’t go bing-bong-a-bong! I looked at him in a different light. Somehow, he reminded me of a Rolls-Royce without the engine! I needed a real man.

  He plonked down a plate in front of me, lifting the cover. I stared.

  ‘Eat! It is good for you,’ he bullied.

  ‘I intend to! Thank you!’ I said, dismissing him and milling into the salmon.

  ‘I am hearing you were making a lot of noise with the other patients.’

  ‘What did you say?’ I asked him coldly.

  He smiled, showing his snow-white teeth. I stared. This man likes to get by on his looks. He plays games with people, I thought, my eyes taking in the length of him. Yes, he’s gifted with almighty good looks, but I wonder if there is any real substance to him.

  I went back to eating my supper, and he wandered off to stop at Blondie’s table. I watched him stoop down and say something to her. She gave an almighty cackle and slapped him on the shoulder, screaming, ‘Where did you hear that? Oh, you are very naughty!’

  I took no notice, turning away, and looked at my companion. She was nibbling on her salmon, taking dainty little bites, and breaking her roll into tiny pieces.

  ‘Where do you live?’ I asked.

  ‘Mulberry House, my dear. Do you know, at one time we had an enormous staff to run that house. Of course, we only stayed there for the season.’

  ‘Oh, where did you live?’

  ‘Belgravia, London, my dear! But then we had the old pile in the country. But, of course, that is all gone now. Yes, indeed,’ she sighed, heaving in her big chest through the embroidered linen blouse. It buttoned up to her neck.

  ‘You look quite Edwardian, you know,’ I heard myself saying, delighted to give her the benefit of my good manners, good breeding, good education! Who’re ye fooling, Martha? Anyway, I picked it all up from a real lady, just like this one, when I stayed with her for a few months. She made a huge impression on me. I went on to polish myself, using her as me role model. I reserve that side of me for only the most discerning and civilised, of course. It’s not for ordinary living. I would sound like a real eegit! A pretentious prat!

  Hmm! Who says I’m not? Anyway, it was something I grew into, after years of developing a bit of culture for myself. Fuck! I’m all confused again! One minute I would be happier with Maggie, the next I’m sitting, wanting to give the impression I’m just like your woman here! Hmm! I’m in the right place! Good, so do what you want.

  I leaned into the table, listening intently.

  ‘Oh, yes, indeed! It is just my sister and I, poor Marina, left now to take care of everything.’

  I listened to her voice and watched as she waved her arms around in the air.

  ‘Including the cats!’ she gasped, looking horrified. ‘They really are our children, you know. I do hope she is managing to feed them.’ Then she leaned across the table and whispered, looking around to make sure no one was listening, ‘She tends to get forgetful, my dear. Oh, it is so beastly my being stuck in here!’

  ‘Indeed! It is a dreadfully beastly place to be stuck,’ I said, getting into the swing of being in civilised company.

  ‘I am Lady Petunia Fitzponze!’ she announced, extending her hand in friendship.

  ‘Oh! How do you do?’ I said, in my finest polished accent. ‘My name is Martha.’

  ‘I am absolutely delighted to meet you, Martha,’ Lady P. said, picking up her fork and continuing to examine her plate for the tastiest morsels.

  My good breeding did not go that far. I took one look at the salmon and forked a huge chunk into my open mouth.

  ‘You must call and pay us a visit,’ she said, wiping the corners of her mouth with a napkin. She had barely touched anything, so there was nothing to wipe. ‘My sister and I would be delighted to have you visit. You are a wonderfully charming young lady, and sooo pretty! Such lovely hair!’

  I was all ears! This lady has definite good taste. She sees something the other ratbags don’t see!

  ‘I would be delighted to come and visit you both,’ I said, getting quite carried away with my good manners. I had the feeling I was at last meeting someone on my own wavelength. I’m definitely a born aristocrat! There must have been a mix-up in the maternity ward. I got stuck with a pauper. No, worse! Bloody Sally! No wonder things could only get better after that!

  ‘Do you find,’ I said, leaning towards her, ‘good manners are disappointingly disappearing with the rise of the hoi polloi? I blame the free education, of course,’ I sniffed, waving my serviette. ‘Now any old Joe Soap can set foot inside Trinity College. And absolutely no breeding whatsoever, my dear!’ I said, shocked, forgetting I had never set foot inside a schoolroom and only took a short cut through the yard at Trinity College.

  ‘Absolutely!’ she gasped, covering my hand with hers, delighted to meet one of her own. ‘I blame the war, of course.’

  ‘Eh! Which war was that?’ I asked.

  ‘The Great War, of course! That gave the common man a foot in the door. Nothing has ever been quite the same since!’ Then she banged down her serviette and started to get red in the face. Oh, oh! Trouble, I’m thinking.

  ‘Nurse!’ she barked. ‘Take this plate away at once! Tell Cook the fish is off! It is most definitely not fresh! Servants are so lazy!’ she snapped, looking around the room and snorting. ‘I shall have them all fired at once!’

  I had had enough to eat and took off, saying, ‘Thank you so much for the supper. Delighted to meet you!’ and legged it out of the dining room. No! That’s enough excitement for one day. Jaysus! Nothing is what it seems in this place! You can be having a normal conversation one minute, then the next . . .

  I rushed into my room, throwing off my clothes, and dived into my pyjamas. Then I grabbed my wash things and headed off to the bathroom, feeling exhausted. Dying to soak in a nice hot bath.

  Oh, that was lovely! I headed out of the bathroom looking red as a lobster and making straight for my bed.

  ‘Yoo hoo!’

  I looked over to see Blondie waving over at me from the alcove.

  ‘Are you coming over?’ she roared, and slapped the space beside her. ‘Come on out! We’ll have a laugh.’

  I hesitated, then saw she was all dressed up.

  ‘Be out in a minute!’ I said, rushing into my room and plaiting my hair for the night. I looked in the mirror to admire myself. A skeleton version of Pippi Longstocking looked back at me. Ah, who cares? I’ll get more human looking when the weight comes back. Now! Out to see what your woman is all dressed up for.

  I padded over to Blondie and sat down beside her, drawing up my bare feet. I eyed her long black-silk skirt with the slit up to her belly button, showing the tops of her stockings and even the garter belt! I took in her white silk blouse with the low cut showing a gorgeous diamond pendant. Her blonde hair was gathered up in a chignon, with wisps hanging around her ears and little curls framing her forehead. A surge of heat ran through my belly. I was raging! Mad jealous!

  ‘What are you all dressed up for?’

  ‘Oh! Didn’t you not
ice who’s on duty?’

  ‘No, who?’

  She looked around, smiling, and inclined her head down the room. I followed her eyeline, spotting the Russian snaking his way along the wall with his hands in his pockets. His eye caught us looking, and he flicked away immediately.

  ‘Oh, him! No! I’ve lost interest. He’s only dessert. I prefer dinner!’

  ‘Like hell!’ she roared.

  ‘It’s true!’ I said, wondering who I was kidding. But still and all. My antenna is up. That means danger! ‘Somehow or other I get the feeling he’s floating around Europe, looking for an opportunity.’

  She turned her head, watching him, her eyes narrowing.

  ‘Did you get done up in this rig-out for him?’ I asked, throwing my head in his direction.

  ‘No! My husband came to see me.’

  ‘Oh, I missed that. When?’

  ‘He’s just gone. Back home to a lonely house. I told him to take it easy on those hills. The roads are very narrow, and with these dark nights . . .’

  ‘Where do you live?’

  ‘Killiney Hill.’

  ‘Overlooking the bay?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘My goodness! That’s very grand! He must be loaded!’

  ‘Yes, he is,’ she said crisply. ‘And old.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, picking up her mood dropping. ‘Do you have children?’ I asked her softly.

  ‘No, only two dogs, Twiggy and Jeff, they’re poodles.’

  ‘Did you want children, or did you marry for money?’

  ‘Both!’ she said. ‘But Dick can’t have children. He didn’t tell me until after we were married.’

  ‘So, this was a first marriage for both of you?’

  ‘No, he’s my first, but I’m his third wife. He’s in his seventies, and he had mumps when he was a young man, it made him sterile. So we’ll never have children,’ she said with a faraway look in her eyes.

  ‘But we do have a large Georgian mansion with big entrance gates on two acres of land. He owns property in half of Dublin. I have a woman to take care of the house. I drive a two-seater Mercedes, and I am stuck in this place!’ she said, looking around bitterly.

  ‘So you really wanted children?’ I said quietly.

  ‘Yes! I would give it all up tomorrow for a child.’

  I looked over to the monk, laughed and said, ‘There’s your donor!’

  She looked up, thinking, and spun her head around to look at me. ‘I would in a flash, but what would I tell my husband?’ she asked, staring at me, eyes wide.

  I laughed. ‘Tell him you are the Virgin Mary, and the Angel Sebastian gave you a message, you are going to have a “miracle baby”.’

  She screamed laughing.

  ‘Look, Blondie! Your husband is not going to live for ever. Meanwhile, you are not getting any younger. So you have to make a decision.’

  ‘He would kill me, or if I did something to hurt him, it would kill him! I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.’

  ‘So, meanwhile, you are hoping to have some fun with the monk, is that it?’

  ‘Yes!’ she said. ‘What about you?’

  ‘Ah, it was fun. He’s very attractive all right, and he has kept me going. But it’s wearing a bit thin now. I have to start thinking of reality. It’s time to start looking at what I am going to do with my life. My daughter is now grown up. So I think it’s time to move on. Start again. Look after myself for a change. But I don’t really know how to do that. I think if I’m left to my own resources, I’m not really interested in just doing things for myself. I missed that opportunity when I was a young one. The last time I was free I was just seventeen. Starting off in life! I made a mistake, and this is where I ended up! I suppose I get my sense of self-worth from taking care of other people. That’s all I know.’

  I looked at Blondie, and she was listening with her eyes. I could see she felt for me.

  ‘Yeah! We are a right pair of eegits, ending up here when we have everything going for us,’ she said wryly.

  The monk was chatting to two women in their thirties. The dark-haired one with the freckles and the fat face, she was a doctor and never married. Now she’s had a breakdown. She comes from a very wealthy background. Her father was a heart specialist and a good businessman. She told me he made some very wise investments. She still lives at home with the ma, and her sister and her husband. They live in a huge house in its own grounds, overlooking Howth.

  ‘Where’s Maggie?’ I asked, looking around. I knew there was something missing.

  ‘She’s gone to bed, having an early night. Tomorrow they are taking her down for ECT.’

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘Putting electrodes on her head and sending bolts of electricity through her brain?’

  ‘Yes! That’s exactly what they do!’

  ‘But that destroys the brain cells and the memory banks.’

  ‘I know! But they still use it on patients,’ Blondie said, snorting in air and looking around disgusted. ‘Mental hospitals can give you the creeps if you think about it.’

  ‘Yeah! The bastards hold the power of life and death. They even control when you are released. You can be bunged back in any time. Once you’re in the system, it’s easy to control you. They watch everything. I just want to get out. It’s time I moved on,’ I said, feeling a shiver of fear run through me.

  The monk stood up, his eyes turning in our direction. I could see he was heading over to us. He took that slow walk of his. First, the right leg, lifted into the air, held for a brief second, then he swung it down, bringing up the left leg – it was like a slow march.

  ‘Good evening, ladies,’ he said, his eyes melting at the sight of Blondie giving him a glimpse of milky-white thigh. He was staring at the top of her leg encased in a black stocking with a blue frilly garter.

  I suddenly jumped up. ‘I’m off to bed. You take care and behave yourself!’ I whispered, laughing.

  ‘See you in the morning,’ she drawled, basking at the sight of the monk eating her alive with his hot eyes.

  The monk looked after me, then sat down happily beside Blondie. I could hear them laughing. I had purpose in my step when I headed into my bedroom. It’s definitely time to move on. I’m getting out of this place and heading off to the States as soon as I build myself up.

  Nikki did just that and had a great time. At least she did until she got herself deported! Silly fool. She was warned not to leave the States until her green card came through. The wealthy people she was working for were going to sponsor her. But, oh no! Our Nikki wasn’t satisfied until she took herself down to Mexico for a visit, then got nabbed off the bus by Immigration when she tried to get back in. She was working illegally! Now the bloody fool won’t ever be allowed to return to the States. The people she had worked for had to send all her stuff home, and the money she had stuffed under her mattress. Thousands of pounds were delivered by armoured truck. That was hilarious! Pity, though, I could have gone over and joined her. We would have worked together.

  So! First thing is to see the doctor and get myself out of here and off home. Then start trying to let out the house. Then apply for a visa – holiday one, of course – and find a job! Fine! OK. I’m happy with that plan. It’s a good one and should work out. Next thing is, health! I have to build myself up. Eat plenty, take lots of fresh air and make sure to get a good night’s sleep. That means going to bed early. Sleep and I’m away in a hack! Yippee! Watch out, world! I’m coming back!

  The door opened and the monk breezed in.

  ‘Why are you in bed so early? Your friend would like your company.’

  ‘I want to get some sleep,’ I said, whipping the duvet over me and turning on my side.

  He went up to the window and stared out, looking at the dark night and the leaves blowing around in the wind. I ignored him; he’s not important to me any more.

  ‘When do you go home?’ he suddenly said, looking around to stare at me.

  ‘Soon! I will be going as soon a
s they let me out. I am going to work on that doctor, convince him I’m no longer a danger to myself.’

  ‘Good! Do you live in Dublin?’

  ‘Yes! I have my own home and share it with my dog Bonzo.’

  ‘Hmm,’ he said, thinking. Then he wandered out without saying another word. I stared after him.

  46

  * * *

  I was down in the passage, waiting for the doctor. The nurse had said he wanted to see me, and I was to wait here for him. Things are getting better! The doctor wants to see me in his office! He actually asked to see me! Maybe I can go home today, or if not it will surely be soon.

  Rory came over and asked me did I want a game of table tennis with him.

  ‘No, thanks, Rory,’ I said, moving away and strolling down the hall, not wanting to get bogged down with him. I needed to concentrate and think about what I was going to say. It’s better to keep my mind clear for that doctor.

  People wandered up and down the passage, wanting to stop and talk. I look like a spare part standing in the one spot for so long. I’m usually on the move, so everyone wants to know what I’m up to. I saw the monk come down the stairs, glance up to where I was standing and move on. I suppose he thought I was going to run up and start chatting him up. But he has been ignoring me since I starting losing interest in him. I’m not bothered with the carry-on of chasing him any more. It has served its purpose. Now it’s time to get serious. I want to get home.

  I was still standing here when the monk suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He’s like a bloody snake, the way he creeps up on you!

  ‘Would you like to play a game of table tennis with me?’ he asked, looking a little confused. Probably because I gave up chasing him.

  ‘Perhaps later. Right now I am waiting to see the doctor.’

  ‘OK. I will see you around,’ he said, wandering off.

  A tall, well-built doctor came marching up and stood right in front of me, with his feet planted flat on the floor, and stared at me without saying anything. Then he looked at a file under his arm, and said, ‘Hmm,’ with a smile playing around his mouth, thinking. Then he gave me an even more penetrating stare, saying, ‘Come along to my office,’ making it look like he had made a decision.