“I can give you the number if you want,” she added quietly. “Thanks Katie.” Truthfully, I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it sooner. I know the doctor had suggested it right after it happened, but neither one of us had a clear head at the time and I hadn’t thought about it since. Now I just had to convince Leah. That should be fun.
**********
The rest of my winter break off from work went by quickly. I still hadn’t brought up the whole counseling thing to Leah. I figured I would wait until I went back to work since I was home with her every day. I had brought Caleb back home after Christmas and we kept each other occupied since we still couldn’t pry Leah out of the bedroom.
“You excited to go back to your dad’s house this weekend, buddy?” I was helping Caleb get dressed on the first morning back to work. We were getting into a regular routine with Roy to where Caleb was going there every other weekend and a couple of times during the week. The two of them seemed to get along great.
“Yup, I love my room at Dad’s and we always do something fun. I miss being here too. I miss you guys and Tootsie. When do you think Mommy will start feeling better?” He looked at me with those wide brown eyes that were so innocent and I really didn’t know how to answer him. I wish I did. “I don’t know, dude, hopefully soon. I bet you miss having her around, huh?”
He nodded his head and scooped up his backpack. “I do, she’s so sad all the time. I try to make her feel better, but it doesn’t work.”
“I know, bud.” I reached down to rub his head and he followed me down the darkened hallway to the front door. I paused outside our bedroom door, but thought better of it and kept walking. Anytime I talked to Leah, I barely got a response and just seemed to piss her off.
Chapter 14
Leah
I tried to kill myself today or at least, I think that’s what I was trying to do. I wasn’t brave enough to go through with it. It happened when Chase and Caleb left the house. Chase had come in to tell me that they were leaving; I don’t even remember where he said they were going.
As soon as I heard his truck pull out of the driveway, I walked towards the bathroom in a haze. My whole body felt numb, like it had decided to turn itself off. When I placed my trembling hands on either side of the vanity, I looked down and saw Chase’s razor perched on the edge of the counter.
I robotically picked it up, like my hands had a mind of their own, and pressed it to the sensitive skin on my wrist, barely applying any pressure. It would be so easy just to end it all. All of the pain I had been feeling would disappear and I would be at peace. The small trickle of red running down my left wrist, brought me back to reality.
I couldn’t do that, no matter how much pain I was in, I wouldn’t do that to the people around me. The people that loved me so much. I wasn’t weak like my mother.
I grabbed a piece of tissue paper and dabbed at the small amount of blood that had pooled on to my wrist. I scrubbed at my face, looking back at the reflection in the mirror. I barely recognized myself anymore. And what I had just done…that wasn’t me.
I climbed back into bed after I cleaned myself up and rinsed Chase’s razor of the evidence of what I had attempted. The emptiness in me was overwhelming, but somehow I squeezed my eyes shut tight enough and fell asleep. This was the only time I was really able to turn my brain off and it was a relief.
The house was quiet when I woke up the next day. I glanced at the clock and saw it was just a little after noon. This was Chase’s first day back to work and he had told me he was taking Caleb to Mary’s house, even though I hadn’t even replied.
I had all of these different emotions running through me and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be all right again. I knew Chase was hurting too, but he didn’t understand how I felt.
He couldn’t.
Although I had been scared at first about being pregnant, it had really sunk in after a while and when I lost the baby, it truly ripped me apart.
I thought for sure I had done something wrong for it to happen. The doctor had explained otherwise telling me that although it was rare to miscarry that late in your pregnancy, it can sometimes happen.
And of course, it happened to me. When was I ever going to get a break?
My phone rang as soon as I sat up in bed and I groaned when Ally’s name popped up onto the screen. She had been calling for weeks, but I had been avoiding her. Truthfully, I was a little surprised that she hadn’t flown back and I think if I was being completely honest with myself, I was a little hurt. I probably would have thrown her out, but still. It’s the thought that counts, right?
I sighed and pushed the talk button. “Hello?”
“Leah?” Her voice came out a pitch higher than usual and I could tell she was surprised I answered. I had surprised myself. “Yup, that would be me.”
“I know silly, I was just surprised you answered. How are you? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever. Of course, Chase has been keeping me updated on everything, but I still miss your voice.”
“Ally, please don’t ask me how I am, I truthfully don’t even know how to answer that question right now.”
“Alright, fine. If you want me to act like everything is normal, then I will. How’s the job search going, putting that degree to good use yet?”
I huffed out a breath, of course she would ask that. “I think I would have to leave the house first in order to start a search, so-”
“Well, okay. Always trying to be difficult, aren’t you? The main reason why I was calling is that the guys are playing in Las Vegas in two weeks and I demand your presence. I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“But-”
“And before you try to interrupt with some kind of excuse, let me remind you of all the IOU’s over the years that have piled up. All the times I’ve watched the little man for you, not that I minded, all of the girl talk sessions we’ve had, even the apartment we shared. Clearly, you owe me and I’m cashing them in. This is important to me.”
“Ally, I haven’t even left the house and here you want me to hop on a plane and fly to a city that’s crowded with people. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Well, too bad. You have two weeks to prepare yourself for this trip because you are coming,” she responded in a bubbly voice. I wanted to reach right through the phone and smack some sense in to her.
Did she not know what I was going through? Ally wasn’t an insensitive person normally, but right now, I kind of hated her. “I’ll see you then,” she added cheerfully when I didn’t respond.
She hung up the phone before I could say anything else and I looked down at it blankly. Did I even agree to that? I don’t think I had, but Ally tended to get things her way.
Well, not this time. Sorry Al, not going to happen. Who did she think she was? I know she had been there for me in the past but this time she wasn’t being the understanding Ally that I needed. She had no idea what I was going through.
I stood up and headed towards the bathroom to take a bath. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually bathed and it kind of grossed me out. I really wasn’t sure how Chase was even still sleeping in the same bed as me. I probably smelled and I had been a total bitch to him for about the past month. If I were him, I would have moved to the couch weeks ago.
I wasn’t really sure how to make things better between the two of us. Chase, of course, was his typical sweetheart self, just trying to be there for me and get me anything I needed. And I guess I was my typical self, by pushing him away.
I soaked in the bath until my fingers started turning into prunes and the water was ice cold. I dried off, pulling my wet hair up into a ponytail, and sliding a pair of sweats on. I felt a little bit more normal, but not by much.
I padded through the quiet house and was surprised at how clean it was. Tootsie perked up from his spot on the couch when he heard me, but laid back down when he realized it wasn’t Chase or Caleb. I guess I couldn’t blame him for ignoring me; I had been doing t
he same thing to him and everyone else.
Chase really had been doing a good job, when I couldn’t manage. Caleb had gone to visit Roy over the holidays, and although it killed me to have him gone, it was the best thing for him. Besides, I’m sure Roy loved having Caleb around for the holidays; they were always more fun with kids.
I opened up the fridge when my stomach grumbled and pulled out a bottle of water. My appetite had been pretty nonexistent and Chase was constantly getting on me about eating like a bird. I grabbed a few crackers and headed back to the bedroom, but stopped when the artwork in the living room caught my eye.
Caleb must have done it as a Christmas present. There was an oversized drawing that I could instantly tell was his handiwork, and about a million different stick figures crammed onto the piece of paper. Each oddly shaped figure was labeled by name in Chase’s handwriting. A small smile curved up my lips when I saw who was all in the picture that was titled, “My Family.”
Everyone was in there from me, Chase, Roy, all of Chase’s family, Ally, Remy, and even Teddy. Teddy wasn’t the best with kids, but he and Caleb seemed to get along for some reason, really well to the point it was almost disturbing. I really didn’t want any of Teddy’s ways rubbing off on my sweet, innocent Caleb. If he turned out just like Chase, I would be happy.
I swiped a tear that had rolled down my cheek. I suddenly felt a whole new guilt for pushing everyone away when they were just trying to help me, but I hadn’t seen in that way. I set the picture back down where Chase had it displayed in a glass picture frame and headed back towards the bedroom.
Maybe it was time to start moving on. I knew I couldn’t be depressed for the rest of my life. Everyone would get fed up with me eventually. I needed to start living again.
Of course, all of those thoughts flew right out the window the minute I turned the TV on and every channel seemed to have a baby on it. The waterworks started up right away again and I couldn’t control it. I slumped back into my depression quickly, pulling the covers over my head and trying to block out the images of those sweet, smiling babies. I would never have those memories from the baby that I had lost. I was never given the chance.
Chapter 15
Chase
“Mr. O’Neil, the case against you has been closed. I apologize that it took so long, but what with the holiday break, it just ended up that way. We had several witnesses come forward, stating that they overheard Ms. Taylor bragging about setting you up. Apparently, she had the whole thing planned out and when we brought her down to the office with our claims, she confessed to the whole thing.” Principal Mowry pushed his glasses up as he looked down at the papers in front of him. For the first time in a while, I felt some sort of happiness. Finally, I could put this mess behind me.
“We apologize that it had to come to this. You’re a bright young man and you’re students seem to love you. I assume Ms. Taylor was looking for some sort of attention. Her parents have been made well aware of the situation. We also thought it would be a good idea if she were to be switched into another English class, it just seems necessary.” I blew out a breath and wiped my sweaty palms on my pants.
Pretty necessary indeed.
I was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner and I was glad I wouldn’t have to be dodging her wandering hands any longer.
“Thank you, Mr. Mowry. I’m glad we can finally put this situation behind us and I can focus more on my job.” I stood to shake his hand, and let out another woosh of air when I shut the door behind me.
Hopefully, that would be the last time I was in the principal’s office. That was finally over, now if I could just make some progress with my wife, life would be golden.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket when I hopped in my truck to leave for the day. I grinned when I saw it was Teddy. I hadn’t heard from him and Mark much since they had left for their tour, but when I did, they sounded like they were having an awesome time out on the road.
“Hey dude, what’s going on?”
“O’Neil!” he yelled into the phone over what sounded like instruments being tuned. I couldn’t lie, I missed holding a guitar in my hands almost every day, and I was definitely jealous of the guys. If I was still into songwriting, I would have an album by now with the shit that had been going on in my life lately.
“Hey Teddy, haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything going good out there?”
“Yup, more than good. Fantastic. Amazing. Awesome. Indescribable.” Okay, if I had to label how Teddy sounded right then, he almost sounded…gleeful? Definitely strange. Normally, he was more of a laid-back type of guy. Not much excited him.
“But listen, I only have a minute before rehearsal. I was wondering if you could make it out to Vegas in a couple of weeks. We have a concert coming up and I figured it would be sweet if you could come out. What do you think?”
“I don’t know bud, you know I would love to, but Leah…Leah’s still not herself. I haven’t even been able to get her to leave the house. Do you think she would really agree to go cross country?”
He blew out a breath through the phone. “Sorry that I haven’t been there bud, you know I would if I could. I’m sure it’s hard that you had to go through this mostly alone. At least you have your mom around to help out; she’s such a great lady.” I pulled the phone away from ear, checking the caller id to make sure I was really talking to Teddy Sampson. The same Teddy Sampson who had a tally for how many women he had ‘banged’ on his headboard.
“Maybe you just need to kidnap her ass. Drug her coffee or something and drag that wife of yours onto a plane. She just needs a reality check, dude. Whatever you need to do, I want you here.” And there was the Teddy I was looking for.
“I’ll see what I can do Ted, I’ll let you know.” We hung up after a couple more minutes of catching up. I pulled into the driveway, preparing myself to have a talk with Leah tonight. We couldn’t keep living this way. Caleb was staying at my mom’s house for the night, so he wouldn’t have to be around to hear it.
“Leah,” I called out as soon as I walked through the front door, but of course I didn’t get a response. The house was dark and quiet, like usual when Caleb wasn’t around. I pushed open the door to our bedroom and found her curled up in her usual spot.
Even depressed as hell, she was still the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. Her messy curls peeked out from the covers that were pulled up to her chin and her dark lashes fanned against her smooth dark skin.
Her eyes popped open the second I slid on the bed next to her. She stared at me for one second, like she wanted to say something, but quickly looked away. Her wide gray eyes were what had changed most. Instead of being bright and alive, they were cold and lifeless, devoid of any emotions.
“We need to talk.” I rubbed a hand down her back through the thick comforter and she shivered slightly. At least I knew I still had some kind of effect on her.
“Chase, I’m really not in the mood. Can’t it wait till tomorrow?”
“No, it can’t, Leah. Because I know exactly what will happen, when I bring it up tomorrow you’ll just push it off again and the next day you’ll do the same thing. Do you really like being like this?” I waved my hands around the dark room that depressed me after a minute of being in the room. She probably hadn’t left it all day.
“I know what you went through, what you’re going through, is hard, but I think you need help. We both need help on how to deal with this in a healthy way and you know damn well this isn’t healthy.”
“Chase, I just don’t feel like trying. You don’t understand…”
“Stop, Leah. You’re going to hear me out. No arguing.” I had barely ever raised my voice to her, but this time I couldn’t control it. She was like talking to a brick wall. “I think we both need to go to counseling. Katie said it helped her when she went through…when she went through the same experience. The doctor had suggested it before.
“Really, I didn’t think we would need it, but now I do. Yo
u barely talk to anyone, you don’t eat, and you lay in bed all day. Think of what you’re putting Caleb through. He needs his mom around. Do you really want him to go through life without a mom to raise him like you had to?”
She didn’t respond to anything I said and I stood up to pace the floor. “Leah, I can’t keep going on like this. I know you’re hurt and so am I, but sometimes shit happens in life. I’m sorry if that’s a bad way to put it, but I don’t know how else to say it. We can either let it eat us alive or move on. So I think you need to decide what you want, Leah.
“Are you going to lay here lifeless for the rest of your life or are you going to do something to change it? Because everyone around you is living, life is going on without you whether you like it or not.” I knew my words were a bit harsh, but maybe that’s what she needed right now. Nothing else seemed to work.
She still didn’t say anything and I looked down to make sure she was still awake. Her gray eyes were wide, yet dull, like everything I had said meant nothing. Just like always, but this time I couldn’t take it anymore. Being constantly ignored had gotten to me.
“God damnit, Leah! You’re driving me fuckin’ insane. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried so hard and you aren’t doing a damn thing. I’m done.” My fist rammed into the frame of the door and I winced as soon as I made contact.
I heard a small gasp escape her lips, but I couldn’t look back. Not this time. I slammed the front door shut behind me and peeled out of the driveway, my hands shaking the whole time, with the pent up anger that was trying to escape.
I pulled into my mom’s driveway a little bit calmer. The short drive over had relaxed me somewhat, if that was even possible. Now that a little bit of the anger had left me, I felt guilty for leaving her, but maybe this is what she needed.
Limitless (Journey Series) Page 8
