A Bride's Agreement

by Elaine Bonner

  Matt still hadn’t returned when the family finished supper. Steven looked around the table. “Do any of you have any idea where Matt might have gone?”

  “There’s a spot down by the creek where he goes a lot, but I already looked there. There was no sign of him,” Mark answered.

  “What about friends? Does he have any friends that he might go see?” Steven continued his interrogation.

  “He doesn’t have many friends,” Mark answered. “He’s been too busy being the man around here. He hasn’t had time for friends. The only place he might go would be Uncle Clyde’s and I checked there, too.”

  After the children left, Steven looked at Emily with desperation in his eyes. “Emily, I can’t just sit here. I’ve got to do something. I’m gonna go have a look around.”

  “It’s getting late. You be careful,” she warned as he went out the back door.

  Emily checked on the children, trying to reassure them that Matt would be okay. Even Mark seemed to welcome her attention tonight.

  Emily was really more worried about Steven at this point than Matt. She knew Steven was still blaming himself for everything that was wrong in this family. She couldn’t sleep, and since the evening was so warm, she kept vigil from the porch swing. As she waited she lifted Steven and Matt up to God in prayer.

  The hours went by and there was still no sign of Steven or Matt. The mosquitoes forced Emily to move her vigil to her bedroom. She lay down, but sleep would not come, so she continued to pray. Somehow God would make this right; He could take an impossible situation and make it work out for everyone. She didn’t know how He would turn this one around, but she knew He could and she continued to pray.

  The clock on the mantel had just chimed 1:00 a.m. when Emily heard the front screen door squeak. She jumped up, put on her robe, and rushed out into the hallway. Steven stood there all alone. His mood seemed even darker than it did when he left.

  “No sign of him?” Emily asked.

  “Nothing. But I didn’t really have much hope of spotting him after it got dark. I sat down by the creek and prayed and tried to figure out why I’d done the things I did. Why didn’t I come home? I knew my kids needed me even if Rebecca didn’t.”

  Steven slumped down on the side of his bed. “I would cry, but the tears are all gone. I knew winning the hearts of my older sons wouldn’t be easy, but I never expected this. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Emily, why did I desert my family?”

  “Steven, I don’t have any answers for you. You’re the only one who can answer all those questions. If you search deep down inside, I think you’ll remember why you acted as you did.”

  Emily’s voice was tender, and Steven knew the words she spoke were true. No matter how much he loved his children, he realized, his love for their mother had died a slow, painful death. Once he was away from her destructive criticism, he just couldn’t force himself to come back. Not for anyone. He would have stayed and continued to endure her bitter remarks if the opportunity had never presented itself for him to leave; he would have even continued to defend her right to say them, and he would have gone on taking the blame for making her life miserable. But the opportunity came to go and he took it. Deep inside, he had been relieved to escape. Now he had to take responsibility for his actions.

  Steven looked up into Emily’s understanding face. Seeing the love in her eyes, he didn’t feel quite so alone. He stretched out his arms and Emily walked into them. He held her around the waist and put his head on her chest. She stroked his cheek tenderly as she placed a soft kiss on the top of his head.

  “I really made a mess out of everything,” he sighed.

  “There’s nothing you can do about the past. It’s done. You have to start from now. God has forgiven you because you asked Him to. Now forgive yourself. Start right now being the best father you can and your children will accept you for what you are now.”

  Afraid to look up into Emily’s eyes, Steven asked, “What about being a husband? Can I start that from right now, too?”

  “I don’t see why not,” Emily answered.

  Steven stood and tilted her head up toward his face, then placed a warm tender kiss on her soft lips. He felt comforted just holding her in his arms. Steven released his hold and gave her one more gentle kiss before telling her good night. As he settled into his bed, he said one more silent prayer for Matt’s safe return.

  CHAPTER 10

  Steven was saddling his horse to go search for Matt when Mark came up behind him. “Dad, I want to go with you.”

  Steven was startled by the sound of someone behind him, but he was more startled by someone calling him Dad. He turned around.

  “I’d like for you to come. You know Matt’s hiding places better than me.” Steven put his arm on his son’s shoulder. “It’ll be good to have you along, son. Families have to stick together at a time like this.” Mark’s arm around his waist told Steven that the young man agreed.

  Steven and Mark had searched everywhere. They had enlisted the help of Clyde Bentley and his boys, but they still had had no luck. Steven knew it was well past suppertime, for the sun was setting over the trees. He had sent Mark home earlier and given him instructions to tell Emily he would be in later.

  “Steven, we’re losing the light,” Clyde said. “We’d better call it a day. Matt’s a smart kid. He knows how to take care of himself. He’ll come home just as soon as he has everything straightened out in his head.”

  “Unless he’s better than his father at straightening things out, he may be gone a long time. I still can’t seem to get things straight in my mind. Clyde, you didn’t see his face when he left. His whole world had been destroyed. He doesn’t think he can trust anyone anymore.”

  “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know Rebecca had told those kids she didn’t know where you were. I knew Matt was very angry at you, and he didn’t want to talk about you at all. But I just thought he was mad about your leaving. I had no idea she was filling their heads with such nonsense.” Clyde shook his head. “Seems she told everyone whatever story best suited her fancy. She had most of the community believing she was the deserted wife. Poor Rebecca, they all thought. My Alice was a staunch supporter. She wouldn’t even listen to me when I tried to tell her different.”

  “Well Clyde, I did desert her. I left and didn’t come back.”

  “Yeah, you left all right. But you didn’t desert her. She knew you was going, and she knew why you was going. She also knew where to find you. Deserting is when you just up and leave without a word to anyone. You didn’t desert. I caught Rebecca’s temper a few times myself. That was one vicious woman when she got mad or things didn’t go her way.” Clyde looked thoughtful. “If she’d been my wife I’d probably left long before you did.”

  “I didn’t know anyone but me had ever seen that side of her. She was always the loving and charming wife out in public. It was only in private that she would show her more emotional side,” Steven remembered.

  “Well, she showed it to me. She got real mad the first year I farmed your place. She wanted to pay me a small wage instead of sharing the profits, and she was fit to be tied when she found out she had no say in the matter. She raked me and Calvin over the coals.”

  “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. I should’ve come home and taken care of my own responsibilities, not pawned them off on you and Calvin,” Steven said.

  “Look, you’re not responsible for Rebecca’s actions. If she treated you anything like she treated me and Calvin, you had to go for your own sanity.”

  “Oh, her wrath was something I endured every day. It wasn’t so bad until we moved here, to the farm. Before that it only happened occasionally. But she hated this place so much that she despised me for bringing her here. Before things got so bad I offered to try and sell and move back to Henderson, but she refused. By then her brother had taken over the family business and lost everything. I guess torturing me seemed like a better alternative than going bac
k to her hometown and facing her family’s shame.” Steven paused; these were not pleasant memories.

  “If Rebecca had only been willing to work with you, ya’ll could’ve had a good life. You have five beautiful children and you could have really made a go of this place. A marriage can’t work, though, if the partners aren’t willing to work together and do a lot of compromising. A man needs a good woman behind him, and a woman needs an understanding and loving man.”

  How right Clyde was. He and Rebecca had never had the ingredients for a happy marriage. She had made him feel worthless and he had made her miserable. Now he was trying to salvage what was left of the mess they had made of their lives. Their marriage had never been good, but they had produced five wonderful children, and with God’s help, he would be a father to them at long last. And maybe, just maybe, he could be a husband to Emily.

  “We’d better head toward home. We’ll get an early start in the morning if that kid doesn’t show up tonight,” Clyde suggested.

  “Thanks for all your help,” Steven said. “We’ve pretty much covered this area. There’s no telling where he’s at by now. I guess I’ll go into Tyler tomorrow and talk to the sheriff. Maybe he can contact some of the surrounding areas and turn something up.”

  The men said their farewells and Steven headed home along the creek bank, leading his horse. He had walked about a mile when he heard a rustling in the bushes. Cautious, he stopped and watched for some wild animal to appear. Instead, Matt walked out of the darkness and almost ran into his father before he noticed he was there. Startled, the two stood in silence, staring at each other.

  “Matt!” Steven finally cried. “Son, we’ve been looking everywhere for you. I’ve been worried out of my mind.” He started to embrace his son, but Matt pulled away.

  “I’ve just been trying to sort things out in my mind,” Matt replied.

  “Well, were you able to do that?”

  “Not really. I still have a lot of unanswered questions.”

  Steven picked up a small twig and began to nervously break it into small bits. “Can I answer any of your questions?”

  “Will you be honest with me and tell me the whole truth?” Matt quizzed.

  “I’ll try,” Steven promised.

  “Well, I remember how much fun we used to have. You would take me fishing, and we even camped out by ourselves a few times. Then one morning I woke up and you were gone. I didn’t know why. You were just gone. Why didn’t you tell me good-bye?”

  Steven leaned against a tree for a moment, then squatted down and picked up another twig. As he raked the stick across the ground, he said, “I have those same fond memories.”

  His voice trembled as he searched for the words to explain his actions to his son. “It was just as I told you. The drought that year almost put us under. I had sold the general store I had inherited from my folks and put a down payment on this farm. The rest of that money I had put in savings and it saw us through even when the farm wasn’t doing so good, but it was all gone. Your mother and I talked about our options and together we decided that I should leave and go find work. I could work to get enough to pay off the mortgage and set a little aside for a rainy day. So I left.”

  Matt sat down on the ground in front of his father. He said nothing, but Steven knew he was waiting for the rest of the explanation.

  “I don’t know why I didn’t talk to you. I have no excuse. I was terribly wrong. Things were really bad for me. I felt like a complete failure. I had failed your mother, you kids, and myself. I was so caught up in self-pity that I couldn’t see what anyone else might be feeling. I did go into your room the morning I left. You and Mark were sleeping so peacefully, I just didn’t have the heart to awaken you.”

  Steven stopped. He had to be completely honest. “That’s not exactly true. I was too big a coward to wake you up. I knew if you were awake I would have to do a lot of explaining before I left and I was too big a chicken to do that. That peaceful expression of your faces was a whole lot easier to live with than the questions would have been. Your mother told me she would explain everything to you after I left.”

  “I read your letters,” Matt muttered.

  “Then you know I did try to explain some of my actions to you in the letters. Of course that didn’t do much good since you never saw them until yesterday.”

  “I blamed myself.” Matt’s voice quivered. “I thought that if I’d helped out more around the farm, then things wouldn’t have gotten so bad and you wouldn’t have run away.”

  “Matt, none of it was your fault. No one could help the drought. It was just one of those things farmers sometimes have to face. I did what I had to do about the farm. Where I fell short was in the way I handled things with my family.”

  “After you got enough money to pay the mortgage, why didn’t you come home then?”

  Steven sighed heavily. He knew he couldn’t whitewash things and make them believable. He had to be perfectly honest with his son. “Your mother and I had a very bad marriage. It wasn’t all her fault, and it wasn’t all my fault. As I told you, I felt like a failure. Your mother never liked living on a farm, and she never let me forget I was the one who insisted we move here and give farm life a try. As time went by, we grew further and further apart. I felt like I had ruined her life.”

  Steven sighed. “Everything I touched I ruined. My marriage, the farm, everything. So the farther I got from east Texas and the bad memories, the easier it was to stay gone.” He looked at his son. “Now don’t get me wrong. You kids were never bad memories. You were the only things in my life that made sense. But for me to come back to you meant I had to come back to your mother, and I wasn’t man enough to do that.”

  The night was still. Steven could hear Matt’s slow breathing, and once or twice he thought he detected a sob. The quiet surrounded them for several minutes.

  “Matt, you’re too young to understand the relationship between a man and a woman. My staying away had nothing to do with you kids. It was all because I felt like a failure. Your mother made me feel that she would have been better off if she’d never laid eyes on me.” Steven paused before he added, “When Clyde started helping you boys farm the place, you did so much better than I’d ever done, I decided all of you were better off without me. It was self-pity. I was full of it. I know that now. I felt really sorry for myself, so I stayed away.”

  “So you didn’t love Momma and that made you stay away from all of us.”

  “That’s putting it bluntly, but in a way I guess it’s true. But if you read my letters, then you know I never stopped loving you kids. It was just your mother. If someone continually tells you what a loser you are and what a lousy husband and father you are, you eventually start to believe them. I had finally started to believe Becky. I thought you would all be better off without me around. So when I left, I just stayed gone.”

  Once again silence hung over them for a few moments while Steven struggled and prayed about what to say next. “Matt, I was wrong. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Not coming back to my family was the worst mistake ever. Please forgive me. I can’t change the past, but maybe if we start over, start from right now, we can have a good future.”

  Matt was silent a long moment. Then he said, “I guess I can understand a little about why you did what you did. I thought all night about why Momma lied to us. Either she wanted to make our lives miserable or she really hated you. I noticed in your letters each time you wrote a special note to us kids. You said you missed us, but you never said you missed Momma. I also noticed in her letters, Momma never said she missed you or asked you to come home. I read the ugly remarks she made about being better off without you. Then I started remembering a few times I’d overheard the two of you.”

  Matt stood, then walked over and leaned against the tree behind Steven. “I remember one time before you left. She called you a lousy husband and provider and said that you were worthless. I didn’t understand it all, but I knew she didn’t like you very much
. You never said anything back to her. You never defended yourself. You just let her yell and call you names.”

  “I’m sorry you heard any of our quarrels. A child shouldn’t have to hear his parents argue.”

  “I didn’t really hear you argue. You never said anything. She did all the yelling. Why didn’t you defend yourself?”

  “It’s like I told you. I’d come to believe that what she said was true. I believed I was a lousy husband and father. I no longer felt like a man.”

  Steven stood and faced his son. “That’s not true any longer. Several weeks ago, I gave my life to Jesus and He’s showing me I am worth something. I know with His help we can be a family. And I can learn to be a good father. It won’t happen overnight, and it’ll take a lot of patience and understanding on all our parts. It will also require some forgiving on your part.”

  “So if I can forgive you, then everything will be okay?”

  “No, Matt. Everything won’t be okay. But it will be a start.”

  “So, after I forgive you, do I have to accept Emily as my mother?”

  “Emily doesn’t want to replace your mother. But I think if you would give her half a try, she could be your friend. She is a part of this family now.”

  Matt frowned. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll work on forgiving you. As for Emily, that’s a different story.”

  “Well that’s not exactly what I’d hoped for, but we’ll consider it a start. Now what do you say to going home before they send out a search party for the two of us?” Steven suggested.

  CHAPTER 11

  Steven awoke with the sound of the rooster crowing. A multitude of tasks awaited him since he had abandoned his chores for the last couple of days. He dressed, then headed to the barn to do the milking. Just as he reached the barn door, it opened and out walked Matt with a pail full of milk.

  “Well, good morning. You’re certainly up early,” Steven observed.

  “I decided that since I’d probably been the cause of you getting a little behind in your work I’d get started early and help you catch up,” Matt stated. “I noticed that the woodpile is really low. We’d better get started laying some in for the winter.”