Want To Hate You ... Too Bad I Love You

by Melanie Marks

  “No, I want to see your mess!” she laughs.

  “They have satin sheets,” he tells her quickly, pulling her away from his bed. “You’ll love it—I promise.”

  “Okay, okay,” she laughs. “I had no idea you had such a fetish about where we did it in your house.”

  I peek at Grady.

  I see him turn white as he peeks over at me.

  Then he takes her hand and says softly, “Come on” as he quickly leads her out of the room.

  CHAPTER 27

  After I get home from the nightmare at Grady’s, I thump myself against my wall a bit. Then I get a text from Grady.

  Agonized, my heart pounds figuring he’s probably mad and going to tell me to give him his house-key back. But all it says is: “Mandy, YOU broke up with me.”

  CHAPTER 28

  Okay, my experience at Grady’s was extremely painful. But also humiliating.

  I mean, being caught in his bed while he was bringing another girl to it—quite a blow.

  I have to just face it—obviously wishing for things to go back to the same between us is not going to happen. Ever.

  Obviously.

  After a lot of pacing around my house, and okay, bawling, I finally text Todd. “Do you still want to go to the dance with me?”

  Only a moment later, Todd answers back: “Absolutely.”

  I bite my lip. “And you don’t mind just going as friends?”

  “You mean being used? No. I don’t mind.”

  I sigh, “Then it’s a fake-date.”

  “Awesome!”

  CHAPTER 29

  Friday night, Kayla and I got off work at the same time. Usually Kayla catches a ride home with her boyfriend, Ben, and usually they give me a ride home now as well. Now that I no longer have a boyfriend. They do this though I don’t live that close to either of them. But they are my friends, and they’re nice. So yeah, I’m blessed.

  But tonight not so much. Ben is out of town for the weekend at a wrestling tournament, and it’s pouring rain, otherwise I’d rather walk than accept the plan Todd comes up with to get Kayla and me home from work any time soon.

  He had planned to give us a ride himself, but then the restaurant suddenly got unusually busy, probably because of the rain—it makes people crave soup for some reason. Anyway, Todd bought me a burger (‘cause it’s Friday—and Friday’s special is ‘The Burger Sandwich’). He winked at me and told me, “It’ll just be a second.”

  But the ‘second’ turned into what looked like was going to be an hour.

  Then—of all people—Becca waltzed into the restaurant. Becca! Apparently she had phoned in an order for soup to go.

  “Seemed like a day for soup with my boyfriend,” she said purposefully loud to Todd as he rang up her order, but she gave me a sideways look as she said it. Like letting me know—Grady is her boyfriend.

  Well, his story is a little different than hers, but I didn’t bother to tell her this. After all, for all I know, his status with her went up a notch or two. Or maybe a full throttle.

  To my shock and horror, Todd suddenly seemed to think he had a brilliant idea. He handed Becca a twenty from his own pocket and said, “Hey, would you mind giving Kayla and Mandy a ride home?”

  I about choked on my burger.

  Becca’s eyes darted to me, but she declined Todd’s money. “You don’t have to pay me. I’d be glad to give them a ride home. After all, it’s pouring.”

  Kayla shot me a look that said, ‘Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!’

  I gave her a look back that said, ‘I would rather eat nails than get in the car with that witch.’

  But Kayla squeezed my arm supportively and said, “Thanks Becca. We appreciate it—after all, we have big plans for tonight. We need to get home.”

  I don’t know about Kayla, but my big plans were to daydream about dunking Becca’s head in a toilet.

  Still, I followed her out to her car, since Kayla seemed to have it in her head she was going to make Becca think I was doing awesome without Grady—that I had big plans, to go with my big night—and my big betraying ex-boyfriend wasn’t a part of it.

  Nor did I want him to be.

  Because my plans were just sooo big.

  CHAPTER 30

  I squirmed and grumbled non-stop in my head as I crawled into the backseat of Becca’s fancy car.

  The thing is, I was feeling freshly sore about Becca at the moment. Just this afternoon, I’d accidently stumbled on a text between her and Grady. I certainly didn’t mean to torture my eyes and heart with the message, but there it was on this private network page I had signed Grady and I up for, but then could never get Grady to use it. But Becca apparently did. It was an old message, from last week, but my phone is a hand-me-down from Grady, and somehow his cloud or whatever is still linked to it, so sometimes I get his personal messages and stuff. I don’t know how or why, and I just ignore the stuff and delete it, but unfortunately, I accidently read part of his messaging with Becca.

  Like I said, the messages weren’t super recent. They were from right after Grady and I broke up—I mean, right after—but I just stumbled on them today, so the pain that crashed through me reading them is still fresh and raw and plaguing me almost as bad as if the conversation had just transpired today.

  The whole ride home, the conversation niggles in my tortured brain, so I miss hearing the lies Kayla is telling Becca. Instead this delightful conversation swirls in my head:

  Becca: “Sounds like she was clingy. And controlling of you.”

  Grady: “Well, she was my girlfriend.”

  Becca: “Well, if she didn’t let you have friends … I mean, friends are important … right?”

  Grady: “We’re more than friends though. … right?”

  Becca: “Well, I hope so! I hope you don’t think I do that stuff that I did with you last night with just any boy.”

  Grady: “… that was nice stuff. I’m still smiling.”

  Becca: “So maybe you should shut up about her, buddy.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Sorry, but. You know …”

  “What?”

  I immediately stopped reading right there, dying a little all over again.

  But then I discovered another batch of texts between them which seemed to have transpired the following day, or at least not much after.

  Grady: “The thing is, I don’t want her to be hurt. I want Mandy to still be part of my life. She means a lot to me.”

  Becca: “Give her space.”

  “You think?”

  “Well, I don’t want to tell you what to do. I mean, come between you two or whatever. But I know if I were in her place I’d want space.”

  Grady: “… maybe you’re right.”

  Becca: “I’m going to come to your practice.”

  Grady: “I thought you don’t like baseball.”

  Becca: “I don’t—but I like watching you.”

  Grady: “I don’t exactly hate watching you either.”

  Pain. In. My. Heart.

  So, you know. I’m not exactly thrilled to be cooped up in a car with the girl that apparently was giving Grady love advise right after we broke up. (And giving him all sorts of other stuff too.)

  Becca drops Kayla off first, which I get if she (Becca) is going to Grady’s house right after her kind deed that I’m sure makes her feel that we are now even. (She stole my boyfriend, sure; but hey, she gave me a free ride home when it was raining. Even, Steven.)

  Anyway, I live only two houses down from Grady’s, so if she’s heading there right after she does her even-duty then it makes sense. But it also makes my heart bleed thinking she’s going to trot over to Grady’s right after she drops me off, and her car is going to be in his driveway, and they are going to share the soup that I made and she’s probably going to tell him that she gave me a ride home and he’s going to think she’s so sweet for doing that.

  Kayla gives me a sympathetic look before she hops out of the car, since she knows t
his truly sucks—that I’m suddenly going to be alone with Becca, the girl I have avoided like the plague, yet now I’m going to be cooped up with her—trapped.

  Kayla mouths “sorry!” to me as she hesitantly hops out of the car, then makes a mad dash to her front door, getting drenched by the pouring rain.

  Becca glances back at me. “You can move up to the front if you want. I mean, we’re not going to fight, right?”

  Maybe.

  You never know.

  “No, I’m good,” I tell her. “I just got my seat all warm.”

  Becca seems to roll her eyes like I’m being weird and immature, but “Suit yourself” is all she says. Well, for a second. But then as she’s driving towards my house she seizes the advantage of having me trapped.

  “Look, Grady still cares about you,” she says. “It’s just what we felt for each other—it couldn’t be ignored. Or helped. It was strong.”

  Yeah, well, so was what we’d had.

  … Well, I’d thought.

  Until a skank came along.

  She goes on, “There was an undeniable draw to each other. But still, I know it’s hard to let go. I get that. But really, you should give him space. Let him breathe, you know?”

  Let him breathe?! I can’t breathe. Not when he’s around. It’s like all the air knocks out of me. Believe me, I try to avoid him, try to give him plenty of space. Like, be nowhere near him. Or her. In fact, I try to make it like we’re not on the same planet.

  … what exactly is she trying to say anyway? That I’m suffocating him? Me? I make every effort I can to disappear any time I see him coming my direction.

  Still, because I’m hollow inside and aching too much to clearly focus on what she’s saying, I drone out half-sarcastically, yet half just emotionally absent, “Yeah, thanks for the advice,” like I don’t know anything about Grady. Like her whole one month of knowing him makes her an expert.

  Enduring her ‘advice,’ I’m being a robot emotionally. Pretty much. Yet, not completely, apparently. ‘Cause I slip the onion out of my burger and tuck it into the back crevice of my seat as she yammers on.

  CHAPTER 31

  I can’t believe I really agreed to go to the dance with Todd. What was I thinking?

  … well, okay that’s the problem. I wasn’t thinking at the time. I’d just been annihilated by witnessing Becca and Grady getting frisky in his room, as well as the fact I’d been caught stalking in his bed. I was hurting and humiliated and had just wanted things—my life—to change. Morph into something completely different that wouldn’t hurt so bad.

  Plus, I think at the back of my mind I kept thinking about what my friends, and Todd and basically everyone else was saying—that I should show Grady that I wasn’t wallowing over him, that I actually had a life going on without him (though I was wallowing over him, and I didn’t exactly want my life to go on without him). Still, after that humiliating moment, I felt I had to do something. Even if it was completely just for show. To show Grady I wasn’t going to continue fainting over him and unexpectedly showing up in his bed—basically stalking him. I mean, how pathetic!!

  So, when I texted Todd, accepting his offer, it was totally to make a point to Grady—that I was no longer going to cling and long for him. That I was through.

  But now accepting Todd’s offer seemed insane.

  Show up at a dance where I’d have to see Becca and Grady snuggling together all night? No way! That was sadistic.

  Still, Sara and Nicole tried their hardest to get me to go through with it.

  “Look, you won’t even actually have to see them,” Sara pointed out. “The dances are crowded, and if you just hold on tight to your partner while you’re slow dancing, you can close your eyes and it will look like you’re totally into him and just enjoying his closeness, and not like you’re really just trying to block out your back-stabbing ex, and the skank that stole him.”

  “Yeah,” Nicole agreed. “You can totally make your blocking them out look romantic.”

  “Plus Todd is cute,” Sara added with a grin. “It won’t hurt to have Grady see you with him. In fact, I’m going to love seeing his face when he sees you with another guy.”

  The thought fills me with mixed emotions. I guess Grady probably would be jealous if he saw me snuggling up to Todd. Then again, maybe not. Maybe he’ll be relieved, since he’ll be snuggling up with Becca, and he can stop feeling guilty about me—poor fainting, stalker Mandy, who can’t be mature and let things go.

  —and face it, his snuggling will be real snuggles, while mine will be pathetic lame attempts to look like I’m not pathetic and lame. Most likely Grady will see right through it. So I’ll look even more immature and pathetic.

  The thought stabs at my heart.

  “I can’t do it you guys.” I flop on my bed with a groan. “I can’t endure a whole night of seeing Grady at a dance with another girl.”

  The thought of him holding Becca tight, smiling into her eyes. No. No way. I don’t want to see it.

  “Mandy, you already told poor love-sick Todd you would go with him. You can’t break his heart and not go. I see him stare at you all during American Lit. The guy is in love.”

  I groan. “Well, that’s another reason I shouldn’t go.”

  Sara bites her lip. “Well, you told him you’re just going as friends, right?”

  I nod. “He said I can ‘use’ him.”

  Sara grins. “Well, there you go.”

  I bite my lip some more. “Yeah, but you said he’s love-sick.”

  Sara waves it off. “He should get that you just barely broke up with a guy you had been in a long-time relationship with, plus you flat-out told him your plan is only to show Grady you’re not sitting around moping about him.”

  “Right.”

  “So, get ready for the dance, girl. And look hot, so Grady can eat his heart out.”

  CHAPTER 32

  Turns out, Grady didn’t even come to the dance. He’d gone out of town to do a gig at some guy’s engagement party.

  See, Grady is in a ‘sometimes-band.’ Meaning sometimes they are together … but usually they’re not. Really, Grady wants to be in the awesome band Smith is in … but, you know, Smith is in it, and well, bands only need one drummer. (They’re both drummers, in case you haven’t figured that out.) (I like drummers.)

  Anyway, Grady isn’t here—at the dance—so I’m free to relax. Todd is a nice date—easy on the eyes, and eager to please me. It’s nice.

  Though, okay, to be honest, I’d rather be at home. I know it’s pathetic, but I’m just not ready for this yet. It’s too soon to have a guy looking at me like he wants to kiss me, since all I want to do is kiss Grady. It’s depressing.

  However, I’m up on the notion it’s better to be out socializing than home wallowing and eating a tub of ice cream. In my head, I know that. I do.

  But really, I’m just glad Grady’s not here. And, pathetically, I can’t help being glad he’ll probably hear from his friends that I came to the dance with Todd. So that’s cool. I get to make my point—that I’m moving on—yet I get to do it without having to face Grady with Becca. So, score!

  CHAPTER 33

  After the dance, Todd took me out for hot chocolate, and then drove up to these cliffs with a breathtaking view of the city.

  We chatted a long time. It was nice actually, with the stars above us, and Todd being all entertaining.

  Then he murmured out of nowhere, “I have to confess, I’d been waiting for you and Grady to break up forever. Now you finally did, and I can’t help feeling like, ‘Lucky me.’”

  “Well, I’m glad it was lucky for someone,” I muttered, trying to sound like my groan was only me joking around.

  Todd stared into my eyes, “Well, maybe it was lucky for you, too. I mean, you never dated anyone else, right?”

  I nodded. “Right.”

  “So, it’s hard to know what you’re missing if you always stick with the same person. This way you get to find out.�
� He gives me a sidelong look, “You’ve never kissed anyone else then either, right?”

  Oh no! I was suddenly afraid I knew where this was going.

  “Um … right.”

  He grinned slightly. “I’ve been told I’m a good kisser. I’m willing to let you find out if the rumors are true.” His grin grew, “And at the same time, you can get that other thing over with too—you know, finding out what it’s like to kiss another guy besides Grady.”

  I blinked at him. But then slowly a thought crept into my brain.

  And this was the brilliant thought: “What the heck?”

  After all, he was cute … and he wanted me. And sadly I was now totally, one hundred percent available and free to kiss whoever I wanted.

  (Too bad all I wanted to kiss was Grady.)

  But like I said, ‘What the heck?’

  Besides, I was slightly curious. Even if not, you know, panting for it. Or excited about it.

  Still, he was cute. And I was available. (I kept telling myself that over and over—He’s cute, I’m available, never kissed anyone but Grady. He’s cute, I’m available, never kissed anyone but Grady.)

  I kept telling myself that the whole time we were kissing, like a mantra, and really they weren’t that bad—Todd’s kisses, I mean. They were quite nice, actually.

  And wow he got into it, getting all breathless and excited. But when his hands eagerly started to roam over me—no. I pushed him away.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” I told him. “Thanks for the dance, and the pep-kiss and everything. But let’s call it a night.”

  “W-why? I was moving too fast right? I just got over excited. But I can go slower. I swear.”

  The thing was, though it was nice to have him all panting for me, that’s all it was … nice. There was no fireworks. Not even little sparks. Well, I mean, not for me. I guess he had sparks and fireworks going off. But for me it just wasn’t worth it—having to fight him off, and for what? To have the experience of kissing another guy? A guy that wasn’t Grady? Well, I’d done that now. Check. It was off my list.