Want To Hate You ... Too Bad I Love You

by Melanie Marks

  Did I think about it?? It’s all I could think about. I’ve played the conversation over and over again in my head. It’s gotten me dizzy. To where I feel drunk. His hungry gaze is doing that to me too. Big time.

  But Grady’s words keep echoing in my brain, ‘Smith is used to girls like Chloe. He’ll rip your heart to shreds.’ His words were said with concern, and undoubtedly true. Smith is finally once again my dear friend, but I can’t trust him with my heart. I just can’t. I’m not experienced and cool like Chloe. I wear my heart on my sleeve and get it crushed easily. And no one could possibly crush it more thoroughly than Smith. Well, except Grady and he’s already done that. So my heart is even more fragile and vulnerable than usual. No way can I trust it with Smith. I might as well let a herd of elephants trample over it—at least then I wouldn’t be suckered into hoping for a happy ending.

  I mean, the dude was going to do my aunt!!

  Slowly I draw out a breath and quickly dart my gaze away from him. “Smith … you were at my aunt’s last night.”

  He winces, “Yeah, about that …”

  “No!” I yelp. “I don’t want to hear it. I really, really don’t.”

  I peek up at him. “Really.”

  His jaw muscles flicker. He draws in this long breath, like he’s frustrated, but also like he’s going to do what I asked and not torture me with his explanation, but it’s hard for him to keep quiet.

  “Smith, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I think it has to do with Chloe. Break ups are hard, even if you try to pretend you aren’t hurt, and the person doesn’t mean that much to you, still it’s—”

  “Mandy,” he softly stops my blabbering. “This has nothing to do with Chloe.”

  I bite my lip, wishing I could believe him. “Well, you never showed any romantic interest in me—ever. Not until you saw me naked.”

  He grins faintly. “It doesn’t have anything to do with seeing you naked either.”

  I go up in flames, because his eyes definitely tell me something different. I sigh, “Look, Smith, I’m dealing with a lot right now—I can’t think straight. I just got the job of my life, and Grady adores a horrible cheerleader, and you seeing me naked has turned you—strangely amorous. And totally not you. I do think it has to do with being cheated on—it hurts. And makes you vulnerable, and not be yourself. You do crazy things, like faint, and stalk beds—”

  He raises his eyebrows.

  I ignite in flames and turn even more red, if that’s possible. I shudder my eyelids. “Well, that’s what I do. What you seem to do is go after inappropriate things—old ladies, and girls that you just think of as your sister. I mean, you were creeped out when you found out I had a crush on you.”

  He grins with amusement, “I wasn’t creeped out, Mandy.”

  “Well, whatever. You have never ever showed any signs of romantic interest in me ever—until last night—and that was a weird circumstance—and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  His grin quirks as he stares at me. “Wow, you’re really red.”

  He gives a little laugh, “We don’t have to talk about it anymore,” he relents.

  Then he adds, “Since you look like you’re going to faint.”

  “Thank you.”

  He nods. “I’ll text you.”

  Relived, I nod back, but then choke on my gum as he adds, “—words of love.”

  I cough and cough. He’s going to text me words of love?

  Chapter 81

  As sixth period’s bell rings, I collapse in the nearest seat with tingles crashing through my trembling body. I just got a text from Smith: “Okay, the reason I didn’t show my feelings to you—the mushy romantic ones you seem to question that I have for you—the reason I didn’t flash them at you is you were Grady’s. I mean, your heart was his. Even after you guys broke up—he still owned your heart. But I could see you were hurting. And I didn’t like that. I mean, I really, really didn’t like that. I didn’t want you to be hurting so bad—but at the same time, I didn’t want to put myself in a place where I’d undoubtedly end up getting hurt—and you could do that, Mandy. You could hurt me. I realize you don’t get that. Or believe it. But it’s true. Just believe me on this, okay?”

  My heart pounding, I read his message over and over again.

  Finally, I text him back, “Okay.”

  I don’t know if I fully really, truly believe the astonishing words. But I want to, that’s for sure.

  Smith instantly types back, “And about your superhero book … in middle school, when I found it Mandy, I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s superhero back then. I don’t even know if I’m ready now. All I know is, I WANT to be yours.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, warm sparks dancing through me.

  This is like, the best day of my life.

  Chapter 82

  Towards the end of class, I get another text from Smith. This one isn’t quite so awesome. In fact, it makes my heart sink. “Mandy, hey, I’m sorry—I just found out I have to work tonight.”

  Aw!

  Sadness!

  My heart truly squeezes with disappointment. But of course I’m not too terribly let down. After all, I hadn’t really, truly let myself believe that he was actually, for real, going to take me to ‘Show Your Love.’

  However, I guess I’d started to get my pathetic hopes up after all the remarkable stuff he had told me today. I mean, that stuff had me reeling. And smiling huge.

  So yeah, I’m disappointed. Majorly.

  But then, suddenly, I’m smiling huge again, like gigantic. Because—happiness!—Smith miraculously adds more to his message: “So, I’ll need to just meet you there—at the kiss-thing, okay?”

  Oh. My. Gosh!!!

  I’m going to kiss Smith Cross!!

  Best. Day. Ever!!

  Chapter 83

  Right after school, I went straight to “work.” (If you can call it that.) I cannot express how much I love my new job. Mostly I’ll just be doing sketches and help with story ideas. It’s totally my dream job. I never, ever in a thousand years thought I’d get it. I still can’t believe I did, not even after I sat through two meetings. I so loved them! People actually listened to my ideas and seemed impressed.

  Mr. Doyle, the owner of the animation company (that I now work at) shook my hand after the second meeting and welcomed me aboard. He seemed really nice, and impressed with me, so I loved him.

  I might have gushed a little too much to him about how thankful I am to get the job—but hey, I’m grateful.

  He showed me around the office a bit, and then sent me down to the copy room to print up paperwork.

  So here I am now, making copies, when suddenly someone whispers in my ear, “Welcome to the world outside Soup n Sandwiches.”

  I whip around in amazement. ‘Cause it’s Smith.

  He grins. “We don’t serve steak or burgers here either though. However, if you ask nice, you can get them delivered—on the company’s dime.” He leans into me, “I know, because I do it all the time.”

  I blink at him a couple thousand times. “You work here?!”

  His head dips slightly side to side. “Sometimes.”

  He grins at my shocked expression, then adds, “Although right now what I’m doing you can’t technically call working.”

  I blink at him some more, more than a little confused. And shocked. No way will it sink in. Or compute. He works here? With me? At this awesome job? Smith Cross?

  No way.

  Still, I take the bait, since I’m too stunned to do anything else. “Why can’t I call what you’re doing working?”

  “’Cause I’m making flyers for my band’s gig next Friday. I’m using the office’s copier.” He leans into me confidential-like, “Don’t tell the boss.”

  He says it so close I feel his warm breath on my lips. Mmm. This is going to be bad—working with him; he’s probably going to get me fired since I won’t be able to concentrate. I’ll spend every second tingling over his ne
arness and staring into his eyes, and let’s not forget, fantasizing about kissing him. I’m doing all that right this second, by the way.

  “Your band?” I murmur, sort of in a foggy daze, since he’s still standing so close, smelling so good. But the thought of his band has my heart flopping all funny. I’ve never actually got to see him play in his band—you know, since I didn’t want to make him think I was still stalking him and writing comic books about him. Plus, I’d always known if I saw him play in his band it would make me stare at him and start dreaming about him again. I couldn’t do that to Grady.

  Well, I couldn’t when we were together, that is.

  I totally can now.

  Totally.

  “Yeah, my band,” he says seeming to notice the excitement in my voice.

  He stares into my eyes, then shocks me by saying, “You should play in my band.”

  I gape at him. “You’d let me be in your band?!”

  He shrugs, seeming like it’s no big deal. “Sure. You rock.”

  The way he’s acting—he’s so casual about it. But Grady would give his right arm to play in Smith’s band.

  I can’t help gaping at him some more. “But—but you play the drums—and I play the drums.”

  He shrugs, “I’ll play the guitar while you rock the drums. And I’ll teach you to play the bass, so you can play in the band even when I play the drums.”

  He says it like it’s a plan. He even adds, “We need a good bass player. And, also I love you on the drums—so maybe I’ll be the bass player.” He leans close to me and winks. “We’ll work it out.”

  I give a nervous laugh, since his closeness is making dizzy, and blushy, and making me fantasize about tonight—when his lips are going to press on mine. Mmmm. So, yeah, I cough out a nervous laugh, cause otherwise, I’m going to jump on him and get an early start on ‘Show Your Love’—like show it to my whole new office. You know, when I pounce on the slacker dude making illegal flyers on the company’s dime. Yeah, don’t think I should do that. So instead, I give a nervous laugh as I inform him, “Grady would be so jealous. He’s always, always wanted to be in your band.”

  Smith’s lips quirk. “Okay, well believe it or not I didn’t ask you because I wanted to get Grady jealous.” He says dryly, with a teasing gleam in his eyes, “Can you possibly have a thought that doesn’t involve Grady?”

  “Um, sure. I have thoughts without Grady all the time.”

  He looks deep into my eyes—purposefully making me feel woozy. He murmurs softly, “Are you thinking about him right now?” he asks, so close his warm breath heats my yearning lips.

  “Um, nope,” I murmur. “I’m totally not thinking about Grady.”

  I’m thinking about Smith—and Smith knows it. He knows I’m dying for him to kiss me.

  His lips hover deliciously close to mine—for a moment—but then he backs away. “I’m not making a move on you.”

  My heart sinks, “—oh.”

  His eyes twinkle as he takes in my disappointment. Then he adds, “—not until you can not think about the guy for an entire night.”

  Then he seems to think better of it, “ … or at least an hour.”

  Suddenly Mr. Doyle is here and I jump away from Smith, startled and afraid maybe he can tell I love Smith, since we were standing so close, and I was sort of sniffing him and probably anyone watching would have picked up on that.

  In any case, the curious look the man gives Smith makes me nervous. It’s half-sardonic, yet half-amused. He eyes Smith semi-reproachfully, then his gaze turns to me. “I see you got my son to actually show up for work.”

  I choke. “Your son?”

  Smith corrects, “Stepson.”

  Chapter 84

  Smith’s father seemed to pick up on the fact I was shocked to learn he and Smith were related. He quickly explained, “It was on Smith’s recommendation that we hired you. But your work just from today has shown great merit. Welcome aboard.”

  Mr. Doyle gave Smith a slight (entertained) pat on the shoulder, then left us to stare at each other as he answered a call.

  Now I’m staring at Smith, gaping again.

  Smith leans against the wall, obviously enjoying my stare. He doesn’t say anything, just stares back with a tiny smile hovering on his luscious lips.

  “You got me the job?”

  He weighs his response before answering. “Not exactly. I showed him your drawings and your weird videos with Grady—just so he could see your kooky humor. He called it ‘quirky.’”

  I glance up at him. “Is that good?”

  He shrugs. “You got the job.”

  “Yeah, but he’s your dad.”

  “Stepdad,” he emphasizes. “And this may sound bad, but … Okay, my stepdad and I don’t have the best relationship. I mean, it’s not awful, but I sure wouldn’t have gone to him for just anyone. Anyway, he’s pleased I came to him. On two accounts, actually: one, he likes you and your awesome work, and two, now he can say he did me a favor—though we both know that’s not really the case. Since it leads us back to account one—he likes you and your work. So who did who the favor? However, he also likes that I’ll be around the office more—which I will, since now I have major incentive: you.”

  He grins, “So you’re kind of a bonding thing for me and my stepdad. Doesn’t that make you feel nice?”

  I nod. “It does. And so does the fact you knew about my stuff. And you liked it, and showed it to him.”

  His lips curl upward, “Bet he’d love to see your ‘Adventures with Smith Cross’ comic book.” He raises his eyebrows, “But don’t show it to him. It’s our private thing.”

  Once again he’s my hero, getting me the job; taking me to Show Your Love; commiserating with me when he didn’t even need commiserating.

  I warn him, “I’m totally going to write more episodes.”

  He presses his forehead against mine. “I was hoping you would.”

  Chapter 85

  When I get home from work, I fling myself across my bed. I’m very worked up. And very happy. I decide to text Grady. Which will shock him, since I haven’t responded to his texts since the mustard incident. But Grady will get how big my news is. He’ll understand why I broke down and texted him.

  “Got a job at Jolly Rockets.”

  That’s all I write. He knows Jolly Rockets well. That they are fantastically famous for animated movies. See, it’s not only my dream job, it would be his too.

  It’s so weird. Our/my dreams are totally coming true…. But they are happening with Smith, instead of Grady. It does something weird to my heart … but it’s not exactly bad.

  In fact, it’s kind of awesome—I mean, that it’s happening with Smith. Smith!! (SMITH!!!!) But I don’t mention Smith to Grady—that he got me the job, or that he’s going to let me play in his awesome band. I want to share with Grady, I do, but I don’t want to be mean, and I’m not sure we’re ready for that, or ever will be—to talk about our new relationships. I mean, I had ached whenever Grady mentioned his and Becca’s just in passing. It killed me.

  Grady immediately writes back, “Hey, that’s really cool!”

  That’s all he says. But that’s enough … since what he says doesn’t really matter so much anymore.

  Besides, yeah it is cool.

  It’s freakin’ fantastic!

  Chapter 86

  When Smith finally shows up at ‘Show Your Love’ he’s wearing a suit and looking mouth-watering gorgeous.

  He smiles playfully at my ogling. “You look nice too.”

  Then he adds in my ear, “Thanks for wearing the white dress.”

  His warm breath, as well as his words heat up my insides. He noticed the dress! I wore it for him, since he’d mentioned he noticed it at the band banquet.

  “You’re welcome,” I tell him with a curtsy. “Thank you for getting me the job, and saving me when I fainted, and saving me from evil cheerleaders, and—oh yeah, and thanks for saving my life.”

  He grin
s, “I guess we’re even.”

  He says it like my white dress equals all that. (I love him so much!)

  When it’s our turn to kiss, he whispers in my ear, “Are you thinking of Grady?”

  I shake my head, soo not thinking of Grady.

  He whispers, “Has it been over an hour?”

  I nod, “—and fifteen minutes.”

  “Okay, good,” he says it impishly deadpan, like now I can have my reward for being a good little girl—I get a kiss from him. (Yowza, yippee and woo-hoo!!!)

  Holy smokes! I’m really going to kiss Smith!

  I’d fantasized about the tantalizing thought all through middle school. Who am I kidding? All through elementary school too. His full, red, succulent lips pressing on mine. Mmmm. For the first time ever, I’m actually glad Grady’s not my boyfriend. That I’m free to have this moment—this dream come true.

  Smith’s lips quirk playfully, “Ready to kiss a guy that’s not Grady?”

  My knees are wobbling. But I’m like Grady who? Who the heck is Grady???

  His warm hands come on either side of my face, and then his soft lips brush against mine, soft and teasing at first. So gentle. Sending warm tingles through my body. However, things heat up fast, going from toasty warm, to sizzling in a matter of seconds, his hands tangling in my hair as he holds me tighter passionately deepening the hungry kiss as though he’ll never get enough of me and my enraptured mouth. I’m on fire. Intoxicated and dizzy. Especially because I feel his heart pounding as hard as mine, and his breath catching, and I hear his delighted little moans that sound as ravenous as mine. It sends colossal fireworks shooting through my entire body, all the way down to my toes.

  When he finally pulls away, flushed and breathless. He eyes me curiously, “Awesome … right?”

  Fireworks.

  They’re still going off inside me.

  Dazed, I nod.

  I just kissed flippin’ Smith Cross!