LOST HIGHWAY

by Zac Funstein

  “Does this have any connection to Herman Ulyanov Ltd?”

  “Not that I can immediately bring forth-the nylon maker-no nothing to do with them.”

  “Just a hunch that’s all continue Pirouet.”

  “Pardon my hesitancy but I was just asking where I’d come across a Mikkelsen before.

  The Shelburne girl of your name I knew before-tortured herself in an effort to obtain salvation through mortification. The persistency with which this women took up then practiced the cruelest of religious customs as the thrall of a new religion got her in its power, thus believing herself was sinful was pitiful to watch, this teenager originally from Port Hawkesbury strove to cast out her sins but died in the attempt.”

  “No I’m not the victim of a cult so relax continue.”

  “During the McCarthy era, the demand for denim jeans increased dramatically-it went from artisan wear to trendy gear very quickly. To reduce costs as well as increase variety denim companies began using denim created on projectile looms. Projectile looms can create wider swaths of fabric plus much more fabric overall more cheaply than shuttle looms.” “However, the cut of the denim that comes out of a projectile loom isn’t finished, leaving the denim susceptible to fraying/ unraveling. Yes it’s all starting to make sense now Pirouet.”

  “For a moment for some reason Louise sensed the same dilemma as an astrophysicist. You had a planet it could be from anywhere-near or far. If the nylon fibre was from this selvage or if from a richer stretch that was what puzzled, you had to accept this was from anywhere-there was no telling.”

  “Denim produced on a projectile loom doesn’t necessarily equate to a poorer quality fabric. You can find plenty of quality jean makes from denim made on projectile looms.”

  “Most jeans on the market today are made from non-selvedge denim. The pros of this have been the increased availability of affordable jeans; yes I’ve heard that somewhere but that doesn’t tell if this from a slim, skinny, and even anti-fit.”

  “I admire your attitude its like one where doctors agree that the condition has reached the point of no return then it should be agreed to let the person expire with dignity-but you steadfastly refuse to give up.”

  “Please concentrate if this is loose/baggy or not.”

  There had been something about Vaden’s style of communication which resonated immediately -then it was realised- such casual chat perfectly captured the rhythm/cadence–the choppy banter–of online social life. Indeed this was born out by his use of smartphone- causing an image to bubble up on the screen.

  “Are here we are-I knew it was here somewhere. Wilkinson is a desperately complex person, driven by a need for absolute perfection/ total control-his stuff always worked wonders.”

  “What does Wilkinson say?”

  “Anti-fit-as you suspected this is from the loose/baggy range?”

  Loose/baggy range clothing said only one thing to Mikkelsen: a bathroom, Art Deco fixtures, a Breuer-esque tubular sink stand/ parquet all new-plumbing heated floors covered in linoleum, the high plaster ceilings hidden by acoustic tiles-then herself throwing up after taking excessive dieting pills.

  “I fail to see the connection with the dieting Louise,” said her sister Kirsty who often acted as a sounding board for Louise’s ramblings.

  They had met to peruse more wedding gowns to shop for cocktail dresses as well as lingerie for Kirsty's honeymoon.

  “Those that wear loose stuff are invariably on some dieting craze-I am sure that this might be someone trying to reduce their intake.”

  They remonstrated for a while, but nothing would dissuade Louise from opting out of this after what amounted to a brush with Anorexia nervosa. It was believed being dispassionate was difficult under the circumstances.

  Guilherme Goncalves Melo had dealt with the capricious Emily Rocha Ferreira who had taken an overdose previously of dieting meds was deemed the perfect candidate. The claimant's deteriorated visual impairment resulting from her negligent failure to remedy her diabetes would never have been brought to the fore had it not been for Guilherme.

  Guilherme never dressed casually but kept several identical suits - all ordered from a Chattanooga tailor (for a reason best known to himself). Melo never went shopping or to a mall. There was a unique streak of steely acidity, a firm flintiness plus a mineral quality that is not found elsewhere in Guilherme everyone agreed. Screen PD’s tended to be hard working, orderly, respectable marked by a certain integrity-so sometimes Guilherme was known as the ‘Respectable One’. Some claimed there was another side when Melo imbibed too much, tended to get playful, laughed a lot made atrociously bad puns, eventually becoming amorous-but that had been weathered with age so now largely was considered to be dormant.

  Alex Azevedo Hosta (Alex of the suffocating political correctness) sometimes known as Hosé who had largely presided over the Ferreira debacle was a good friend moreover in town at this moment. His interest was ‘working out’ which fitted in with the present concern.

  Plato's Upstairs Closet (PUC for short) had architecture redolent of the classical Greek culture that originally founded the concept of gymnasia-it held physical exercises in very highest esteem. This was where Hosta could be found.

  Benjamin Drechsler (another involved with the Ferreira) who was a regular gave a lowdown on the establishment.

  “This was my very first experience with fitness work out Guilherme. My verdict? I absolutely loved PUC. What I loved the most is that I felt safe training there. Trainers, Jesse, Sander/Blake, watch closely each client correcting forms if not doing their utmost. My version of myself- I'm in pretty good shape but, truth be told, I creak, ache, have lost some of my original flexibility/ range of motion. Jesse took all that as a given then worked with it. For example, my warm up includes exercises specifically focused on regaining flexibility. Jesse was concerned about what I can/ cannot do.”

  Alex was later to describes both men with evident admiration as gentlemen - Sander as ‘steely’, Jesse ‘undinting’ - able to work with one another despite their differences.

  “So it is an incredible gym-was Hosta there Drechsler?”

  “On good form-like a great silent-film comedian Benjamin-not one to rouse the masses with a heroic scene-but giving a spark of a revolution via the strength of his quietness as always. Alex is a regular if you attend I’m sure. I believe that Hosé visited a gym with Jozlyn of the same or similar title when a young, amoral couple living amorously in Montreal/ Toronto, unable to make ends meet-so it has a nostalgia.”

  Melo was a couple of minutes away from the gym when they met a gang of girls dressed like boys. They were wearing T-shirts but might as well have been men. They were pierced in the usual unusual way that modern-young seem to like. One girl had a tattoo which said ‘Captive in the Courage’. Guilherme was a little shocked coming as was done from a neighbourhood where boys wanting to be girls plus vice-versa was rare. Girls were girly-girls creatures from Alpha Centauri were creatures from Alpha Centauri. They were cheerleaders loved barbies or ‘American Girl’ dolls played makeup salon obsessively. There were tomboys sure but not like this.

  The internal gym setting took Melo to the ‘Pedersen Debacle’. Originally, the attackers divided the hostages into classrooms, later gradually summoning them into the gymnasium deploying homemade explosive devices around the school building. In the gym itself, devices were placed strategically although they never were set off. Pedersen fortunately was ancient now-no one had been hurt.

  Alex when met was examining some ‘Ultimate Performance Heat Rub Massage Balm’. His limp was distinct the legacy of being a passenger in an automobile crash in Quebec, from which the victim remained partially paralyzed, being reliant on a wheelchair for mobility for not a little while. Melo must have been recognised for the comment came.

  “The ancients felt rubs removed, controlled amorous desires, dissipated pestilential vapors, reconciled disputes Guilherme-before you ask I saw your car pull into the drive.How I cann
ot ever eraze the vision of your tryst with Amanda N. Kjær.”

  This was so ancient that it took a while to dredge this person up. The split with Amanda had not been a good one. The pair worked intimately romantically, but found that the phases of the Moon blew hot/cold on their amorous affections.

  “‘Tryst’ sounds like an amorous encounter but is actually a Gaelic word for ‘gathering together’ I believe-it is sad that the original use is so corrupted.”

  “Now you are going to ask if there is the possibility of orlistat-the weight loss drug being found on the scrap found at Prince Rupert.”

  “I suppose I was going to get round to it eventually.”

  “In the minutest trace yes but might I make a recommendation that you try for some of the other dieting aids that might be present. Sometimes the mele taken gives a clue as to the personality of the leaver.”

  Communication is a gestalt, made up of gesture, tone plus the infinite vagaries no more or less so than the Chief Minister's expression- peering down benignly on commuters, urging them to pay their electricity bills on time/online. Since the city is bristling with billboards this is encountered repeatedly as Guilherme makes his way. Public transport is used despite the danger of catching some dreaded virus from the unwashed masses. The article on the newspaper the man was flicking through read ‘The Fijian lifestyle is glorified as of the genre where people look after you if anything goes amiss’. The chance reader of this found himself doubtful if anyone would help support his problem however. An elderly couple next to this were remonstrating because it became clear that the producers of a TV show loved his creation but maybe too much. Season one was supposed to end with suicide vest detonating, taking out the vice president plus half the cabinet,but they had tempered it so the lead character didn’t get hurt.

  Melo had been removed from the public for a while this was a chance to get close to find out if not what they believed then what they appeared like. Scanning around it is easy to see in prevalence the distinctive cord that connects the buds to the device known as an iPhone/iPod; users as a whole have been called the iPod-cord subculture. Their easily recognized design allows anyone to ‘identify a user’ so that it’s possible for someone like Guilherme to scan a subway car then instantly know who’s in the club. The members of that club greet each other with the ‘iPod nod’ like one of those perpetual-motion machines made of glass.

  There have been suggestions people make themselves ‘less attractive’ targets by being discreet when using the devices in public, iPod assaults were an epidemic, not unlike the spate of violent swarmings where the prizes were expensive jackets. iPods were more valued because one size fits all.

  Sometimes, our anger/ frustration are caused by very real/ inescapable problems in our lives what better way to escape them then to get out/about amongst the general throng with or without the tell-tale iPod-cord.

  The very real sense of being embedded in the world, inescapably implicated in natural cycles so much larger/ older than ourselves seemed to grow with each passing metropolis scene. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality it was decided whilst on the public transport- tied in a single garment of destiny.

  If given that it is a perpetual punishment /reward roller coaster Guilherme Goncalves Melo we have committed ourselves to, then we must take the rough with the smooth. We often work in a benign weather environment, but we always should be prepared to handle weather contingencies Guilherme told himself. Anders O. Rasmussen who was an ex L-carnitine exec (the dieting aid that promotes optimal oxidation into energy) once worked in a distant/ glamorous department of the company, in public relations; when Rasmussen pontificated it was with great confidence his delivery free of mannerisms/clichés.

  Anders military splendor was seriously impaired by a huge ‘hickey’ the memento of a well-aimed rock from a member of the public who believed the concoction Rasmussen had worked on was deadly toxic. Rasmussen seemed to have a relationship with these bruises-becoming something of a tabloid celebrity- when it was discovered that his daughter Natasja J. Thygesen had a ‘hickey’ on a mildly intimate locale that resembled the lost continent of Atlantis-a bruise that would not succumb to her Max Factor concealer. How they knew it was this land-mass no one knew but they seemed to have dug it out from some cartography archive-it was uncanny.

  Melo wondered where someone like Anders had been seen before then it dawned. It had been on the university campus when Guilherme had been studying to be a solicitor. This was someone who was older than most of the students-old enough to be the female undergraduates fathers which must have aroused peculiar sentiments. Most of the young men were in trendy clothes-flannel shirts with jazzy pants- but this person wore a tired old suit which was worn almost to threadbare. Without being uncharitable this person was like a tramp.

  “I’m an optimist Melo. In order to be libertarian, you have to be an optimist-that goes without need of reiteration. You have to have a benign view of human nature, to believe that human beings left to their own devices are basically good not out to get you. But I’m not so sure about human institutions, and I am sure the real point of argument here is whether or not large corporations are human institutions or some other entity we need to consider curtailing.”

  “Is that why you left Rasmussen?”

  “Not especially-everyone was exonerated in my opinion,the charges unjustified, the hatchet was out from the beginning-but that we must leave for another occasion. You have come across Annemette S. Hedegaard I am sure who has developed a style built on a combination of classical technique plus what is described as an ‘inescapable present day modality fashioned by a tumultuous emotionality’.”

  Melo hadn’t it was his shame to admit-it sounded quite impressive. There was a Hedegaard who believed most ranks of Dutch medieval society were represented by inescapable gradations of decay but this did not seem the same. There are certain inescapable realities that teach us humility, that force us to acknowledge we're not really complete masters of the universe this was one of them.

  Seeing that the audience didn’t recoil from that awful, inescapable fact - and in so doing unleashed a surge of emotion that was almost outrage Rasmussen went on in his inimitable manner.

  “Annemette is I believe the only person whose talent would be able to help-although there is stuff by Alexander S. Toft that could throw in its weight.”

  The only Toft Melo had known had been a typical metrobender-that is a young man living within easy reach of the city (Toronto in this instance) because that’s where all the best shops, clubs, gyms were. Like all metrobender Toft might be officially gay, straight or bi, but this was utterly immaterial because Toft had clearly taken himself as his own love object with self-pleasure as his preference.

  “Hedegaard-is good at finding that which others miss, but when the find is inconsequential as this don’t hold out too much,not even with Toft throwing in his towel as well.”

  Veronika Linhartová had written sun sign columns for a number of magazines/ websites-has articles published in numerous astrological periodicals.

  The only entrance into the western half of her modest abode was through the eastern-room (deorhi) or the northwestern quadrant of the compass for which a ramp had even been built for wheelchair users. This was filled with acrid smoke from the burning incense sticks/ bundles covered in cloth which were piled in every corner. Steel utensils for worship stood neatly tied together. As Veronika boasted from the comfort of these ‘consultation chambers’.

  “Without being modest the Malibu Bowl Capitol Daily Enterprise magazine is still going strong today because of my column; you can easily find it in any bookshop or even in some of the magazine/periodical stands on the street entirely on the strength of my contribution. I inherited this talent from my father who set himself up as a professional astrologer, who on his card advertised himself as Lassi Kankaanperä, Swedish Astrologer Professor of the Sciences Antient as well as Modern. Dad took over the editorship of the Prophetic Messe
nger, initially with the help of B. Voody, a messenger at the English House of Lords in London. From such humble origins we find ourselves in the situation we find ourselves today.”

  There did seem to be a lot of faded magazine covers around. The women, with tight chignons, wore almost rubberized costumes resembling frilled bathing suits from the various eras mockingly depicted.

  Sometimes Linhartová would leave these ‘periodicals’ in waiting rooms, or put them on the newsstand, where perhaps they functioned as tiny ideological bombs. An insert that Veronika had included lay dormant, tucked inside the August issue of the specialized Vernondale Valley Courier periodical, until Venezuela’s culture minister endorsed it with a tweet. After that they were made.

  “It is not your skill with columns we need Linhartová but your other talent. Ketones is the newest /hottest weight loss sensation that is sweeping Canada; it aims to trick your into burning those nasty calories at a faster rate.”

  “You’re telling us!I still prescribe those in capsule form- on trial for the elimination of your excess calories. Should it be sentenced to your capital-punishment-a training/ burn-off program? You be the absolute judge!”

  “An office-mate of mine Pirkka Vanhala said you were of great assistance in the mysterious demise of Johan Tiainen which was solved on the basis of these that were found on Tiainen in very miniscule smears. Everyone had given up, up until these were found that is.”

  It was still a pleasure to revisit Vanhala's sometimes absurd, hilarious universe. Whatever anyone said about Pirkka sometimes they got results. It was Vanhala who applied to his template to a wide range of occupational scams/ fiddles, ranging from the top-floor board room to the basement boiler room that was now in use by many forces globally. Little did they know that their ability to solve large scale corruption was from such humble Osoyoos (Motto: Canada's warmest welcome) origins.