The Stranger City Caper

by Ross H. Spencer

  She said it’s been much too simple dammit.

  She said Purdue when we get back to Chicago I want you to work with me.

  I said as what?

  I said detective or gigolo?

  Brandy put out our cigarettes.

  She pushed me onto my back.

  She popped up onto me with her knees straddling my chest.

  She said does it really make a difference?

  She looked down at me and laughed silently.

  She said the pay rate’s the same.

  31

  …coffee is something what looks like tar and tastes even worse and nobody can possibly do without…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  At ten there was a light knock on the door.

  It was Rube.

  He handed me two steaming containers of coffee.

  I said two?

  Rube grinned.

  He said hell you never know.

  He said you just might get company.

  32

  …chess is a game in which the only way you can jump the queen is it you’re a knight…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  At noon we heard a pounding on Rube’s door.

  We heard Tillie say Rube Mountainstill either you are coming out here or I am coming in there.

  Rube said well if that is the answer I would sure hate to hear the question.

  Tillie said Rube you open the door this very minute.

  Rube said Tillie it just ain’t safe.

  Tillie said what are you doing in there?

  Rube said I am playing chess with some great big hairy African lion.

  Tillie said oh why don’t you just give up and get it over with?

  Rube said why should I give up?

  He said I’m gonna checkmate him in a couple more moves.

  Tillie said Rube you need me.

  She said we need each other.

  Rube said your move Leo.

  33

  …oncet I knowed a man what got nefarious but a few penicillin shots cleared it up before his wife found out…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  The weather cleared by late afternoon.

  Brandy said well Purdue I don’t like to break this magic spell but both of us are weak from hunger.

  I said in my case it’s more than hunger.

  Brandy said you have a baseball ball to attend and I must make one more trip to Powersville.

  She said I’ll see you tonight and I’ll come to the ball game tomorrow.

  I said what’s so hot in Powersville?

  Brandy said there are nefarious forces hard at work there.

  I said holy Christ.

  Brandy said oddly enough you have hit the nail right on the head.

  She said the Destroy America Destroy America bastards are back and they’re flying a brand-new banner.

  I said are you talking about DADA?

  Brandy said I certainly am.

  She said what would you like to know?

  I said I’d like to know what nefarious means.

  34

  …a war of attrition begins when your mother-in-law discovers where you hid your bottle…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  When Brandy was gone I tapped on Rube’s door.

  I said could you handle another order of chow mein?

  Rube said I could handle the chow mein but there ain’t no way I could handle Tillie Zilch.

  I said okay I’ll meet you in the lounge before the baseball ball.

  Rube said I been trying to figger me a way of getting out of that thing.

  He said I got a premonition this is going to be a night what will live in infamy.

  I said Rube you’re the manager and you’re stuck.

  Rube said boy you just ain’t much help at all.

  Stranger City sparkled in six o’clock sunshine and the walk was pleasant.

  The shurff went by with his barrel organ fluttering its happy-sad song.

  He waved.

  At Sun Mat Soo’s Tillie was seated at a table.

  She was paging through a wedding gown catalog.

  I sat opposite her.

  I said who’s getting married?

  Tillie said Rube is.

  I said does Rube know about this?

  Tillie said of course he knows.

  She said he just hates to face up to it.

  She said do you know what a war of attrition is?

  I said no.

  The corners of Tillie’s violet eyes crinkled with her smile.

  She said that’s where I have the advantage.

  She said neither does Rube.

  She said he’ll throw in the towel any minute now.

  I said Tillie how long have you waged this war of attrition?

  Tillie’s smile faded.

  She said thirty-nine years.

  I said how’s the chow mein today?

  Tillie said you’ll be the first to know.

  When she brought my dinner she said do you know how many baseballs Rube Mountainstill has autographed for me?

  She said five thousand two hundred and thirty-one that’s how many.

  She said I get an autographed ball every time I go to a game.

  I said apparently you don’t miss many games.

  Tillie said two so far.

  She said one was when my mother died.

  I said what about the other one?

  Tillie said when my father died.

  She said I got every damn ball back home.

  She said I got baseballs on the mantel and baseballs in the chandeliers and baseballs in the basement.

  She said I got baseballs in the refrigerator and baseballs under the bed.

  She said you never saw so many baseballs in your life.

  She said all they ever say is To Tillie From Rube.

  She said I’d trade the entire collection for just one that said To Tillie With Love From Rube.

  Tillie picked up her wedding gown catalog and headed for the kitchen.

  Her shoulders were bent and shaking.

  My heart went out to her.

  35

  …Mandalay is a place where the dawn comes up like thunder after you been out playing like them flying fishes…same as Chicago in that respect…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  The Fifteenth Annual Stranger City Baseball Ball was to be held in the Stranger City firehouse.

  We strolled in that direction with Count Frazzlewitz bringing up the rear.

  It was a balmy evening and Stranger City’s great butteryellow moon was clearing the distant trees.

  Rube stopped to watch the stars being turned on.

  He said I live in a town even smaller than this.

  Moose said how many fokes Rube?

  Rube said how many ain’t important.

  He said it’s what kind.

  He said these is good fokes.

  Moose said don’t nobody never take no census?

  Rube said well one of them census fellers come to town back in sixty.

  He said damn fool cut acrost Cy Danby’s west pasture.

  Rube put a match to a fresh cigar and blew smoke at the stars.

  It was the beginning of a lengthy silence.

  At last Moose said hey Rube was that the end of the story?

  Rube said goddam near.

  He said Cy Danby had the meanest bull in Greenbrier County.

  We crossed the road and entered the firehouse.

  The interior of the old building was bright with hundreds of colored streamers and banners that said PLAY BALL

  Horatio Brayfuss limped directly to us.

  On his lapel was a silver ribbon imprinted with HELLO NEIGHBOR.

  He said gentlemen Stranger City bids you welcome.

  Moose smiled expansively.

  He said well the feeling is mutual I will bet you fifty-seven dollars.

  Rube said cool it Moose.

  Brayfuss said you will find refreshments at the bar and dance music
will begin shortly.

  We drifted in the direction of a makeshift bar located in front of a weary old fire engine.

  A huge placard rested against the windshield of the exhausted machine.

  It read GO STRANGERS GO.

  Moose looked at it.

  He said this town got a very inhospitable attitude if you ask me.

  Rube said well Moose nobody asked you in the first place and Strangers is the name of our ball club in the second place.

  Moose said how did we get in second place when the season ain’t even got started yet?

  Rube nudged me.

  He said I spend most of my time somewheres betwixt suicide and murder.

  He said right about here it looks like murder.

  Moose said aw Rube I wouldn’t murder nobody over no beat-up ole placard.

  He said you got to remember these is just simple country fokes.

  Horatio Brayfuss was coming our way with his buckthorn cane clacking on the concrete floor.

  He said the mayor of Stranger City is most anxious to meet you.

  He steered us toward an elderly couple who awaited us with plastic smiles.

  Brayfuss introduced them as Mayor Gordon Fitzhugh and his utterly charming wife Gilda Fitzhugh.

  Moose muttered something about both of them having exactly the same last names.

  Rube muttered something about Moose not criticizing local customs.

  Gordon Fitzhugh was the most average man I had ever met.

  There was absolutely nothing noticeable about him.

  He was a man you couldn’t have identified if he had held you up at high noon on the courthouse steps with a 90mm antiaircraft gun.

  Gilda Fitzhugh was another matter.

  I put her at approximately three hundred pounds.

  Her strawberry blonde hairdo was two feet tall.

  When you added this to Gilda and her four-inch spike heels you ended up with a formidable-looking female more than eight feet in height.

  In her silver-sequined bright red dress she bore a marked resemblance to the old fire truck.

  Moose noticed this.

  He muttered something about which is which.

  Rube muttered something unprintable.

  Brayfuss muttered something about Gilda Fitzhugh being very big in the writing field.

  Moose muttered something about Gilda Fitzhugh being very big in just about any old field.

  He muttered something about Soldier Field.

  Rube muttered something about wishing to Christ Moose would shut up.

  Gilda Fitzhugh said Mr. Mountainstill I am the Stranger City correspondent for the Chicago Globe and I will be doing an in-depth article on the opening of our baseball season.

  She said oh I’m just so thrilled and I’ll hardly know the first thing to do when I sit in the Stranger City dugout tomorrow.

  Rube said well ma’am when you sit in the Stranger City dugout tomorrow the first thing to do will be get out of the Stranger City dugout on account of reporters ain’t allowed in the Stranger City dugout.

  Gilda Fitzhugh’s reply was sidetracked by Eddie Gee who went by doing handstands and singing “On the Road to Mandalay.”

  Moose said hey Rube there is one hell of a act.

  Rube said oh I wouldn’t say that.

  He said he just blowed that second line all to hell.

  He said it’s flying fishes not frying shishes.

  Moose said I never heard of no Mandalay.

  He said what the hell league they in?

  Rube said it wouldn’t work Moose.

  He said Tillie would find us.

  Brayfuss moved us around.

  We were introduced to Doctor Burnham and Ike Kelton and any number of Stranger City’s prominent citizens.

  Brayfuss said Mr. Mountainstill when you mentioned a Count Frazzlewitz I thought you were bringing a friend.

  Rube said you was right.

  He said I ain’t never had no friend like The Count.

  He said by the way where is The Count?

  Rube whistled and in an instant Tillie Zilch had him in a bear hug.

  She said all right you flirtatious rascal what can I do for you?

  Rube said well you can start out by getting me booked on the first rocket to Saturn.

  Count Frazzlewitz appeared.

  He was dragging the stub of a freshly mangled fire ladder.

  Eddie Gee went by again.

  This time he was balancing his false teeth on his nose.

  Gilda Fitzhugh said oh how I detest that horrid man.

  Eddie’s balancing act carried him in several directions.

  His false teeth teetered precariously.

  Eddie picked up speed and stayed under them until they plopped into the punch bowl.

  Gilda Fitzhugh threw up her hands and screamed oh dear God this is terrible.

  Rube said well it might of been worse only I can’t think of how.

  A six-piece combo struck up a dance tune.

  Rube said this is the first combo I ever seen with three bass fiddles.

  The bass fiddles took a chorus.

  Rube said they sound like a bull crocodile what got trapped in a revolving door.

  Moose said well I got to admit I never heard of no bull crocodile getting trapped in a revolving door.

  Rube said Moose that was just a comparison I thunk of.

  Moose said I just can’t figger how a bull crocodile could get trapped in a revolving door.

  Rube said don’t mess with it Moose it is bad for your mind.

  Eddie Gee came weaving up to us.

  He said wash ish big problum here?

  Moose said did you ever hear a bull crocodile what got trapped in a revolving door?

  Eddie Gee said oh yesh thousansh timesh.

  He said they shound eggshackle like thish.

  He let out an earsplitting bellow.

  Gilda Fitzhugh departed the planet.

  On her way down she shrieked if somebody will murder this menace I will gladly go to jail for it.

  Rube nudged me.

  He said I can’t hardly wait to get back to my little house in Greenbrier County and look out the window and watch it snow.

  Moose said is that all there is to do in Greenbrier County?

  Rube said no Moose sometimes it rains.

  The six-piece combo played “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”

  The bandleader stepped to the microphone.

  He said friends and neighbors it is time that I introduce the man who will manage the Stranger City Strangers to the pennant.

  Eddie Gee staggered and spilled his schooner of beer down the back of Gilda Fitzhugh’s bright red dress.

  Gilda Fitzhugh let out a Comanche war whoop.

  The crowd followed her lead and cheered wildly.

  Rube acknowledged the tribute by hastily gulping his bourbon on the rocks.

  The band played “Moonlight and Roses.”

  Tillie Zilch threw herself into Rube’s arms.

  She said oh Rube they’re playing our song.

  Rube said that couldn’t be our song.

  He said there ain’t no minors in it.

  Gilda Fitzhugh gave a bloodcurdling scream.

  Eddie Gee was coming down the firepole.

  He was stark naked except for a Stranger City fireman’s helmet.

  He was waving a gleaming fire ax.

  He hopped into the old fire engine and started the motor.

  He turned on the siren and the bell.

  He ran over the makeshift bar.

  He almost ran over Gilda Fitzhugh.

  He drove into a wall.

  There was a muffled explosion.

  Flames broke out.

  Gilda Fitzhugh hollered for God’s sake call the fire department.

  Rube nudged me.

  He said we better leave.

  He said there’s liable to be trouble here.

  36

  …oncet I knowed a man what got kilt pl
aying hopscotch…he swallowed his mouthpiece…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  It was one o’clock in the morning.

  I said Brandy what in the hell are we accomplishing down here?

  I said Chericola got a ball club that couldn’t whip the Little Sisters of the Poor.

  I said if the entire town turned out for every game it couldn’t support a hopscotch team.

  I said you’re on some kind of religious bender and I’m stumbling around like a goddam zombie wondering what’s going on.

  Brandy said Purdue please let’s not talk just now.

  She said let’s finish what we’re doing.

  I said hell I’m not even sure I’m doing that right.

  Brandy said you’re doing it right Purdue.

  She said take my word for it you’re doing it right.

  She said oh my God are you ever doing it right.

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said dammit Purdue stop shrugging and keep on doing it right.

  37

  …well maybe tit ain’t proper but I never heard of nobody ever getting their teat in the wringer…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Ebbing twilight lapped gently at the windowsills.

  Brandy said Purdue give me another twenty-four hours.

  I said don’t be ridiculous.

  I said another twenty-four minutes would kill me.

  Brandy said I’m not talking about sex you nut.

  She gave me an exasperated kiss.

  She said that was an exasperated kiss.

  I said I know it.

  I said I know an exasperated kiss when I get one.

  Brandy said I’m talking about throwing DADA for a big loss.

  I said well you don’t need me for that.

  I said I’m about as useful as tits on a bull.

  Brandy said teats.

  I shrugged.

  I said well whatever.

  Brandy said Purdue you’re very important.

  She said you’ve given me the time I’ve needed to nail the DADA business down.

  I said how did DADA get mixed up in this anyway?

  Brandy said just sit tight and I’ll explain following the Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ.

  She said you’ll be going won’t you?