Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants

by Jill Soloway

  Are you a complainer? Circle one: not so much / so much / a fuck of a lot

  Have you ever been kicked out of a group? Please describe when/where. _____________________________________

  Are you willing to throw away your flat iron? ________________

  Are you one of those people who say you get along better with men than with women? _________________________________

  Do you plan on blogging from Feather Crest? ________________

  Are you willing to let the entire thing be (a) filmed as a reality series or will you (b) huff off, accusing me of only pretending to care about women but secretly, I’m a publicity whore who only wants to profit from everything and be on TV once and for all? (Circle one)

  Acknowledgments

  Huge amounts of thanking go to: my mother, Elaine Soloway, who told me I should have every little thing my heart desired and then taught me how to write so I could explain it to everyone. My sister and best friend, Faith Soloway, whose laugh has always been and will always be my most coveted reward. My father, Harry Soloway, who has the driest and best sense of humor ever, who is a great father, a great psychiatrist, and a brilliant man, and has quite the generous spirit for not taking anything in here too seriously. He has also asked me to let everyone know that he wanted me to come home early from camp and was not listening to the Cubs game during the conversation with the camp director.

  To Amy Scheibe, my brilliant editor and friend, who told me to write whatever my little heart desired—just like my mom. She inspired, coaxed out, and shaped all of what is here. To Maris Kreizman, who is amazing and who helped Amy help me; to Martha Levin and Dominick Anfuso, for their thoughtful guidance and confidence in me.

  Thanks also go to my book agent, Dan Greenberg, who plucked me from online obscurity and told me he liked my writing and thought I could sell a book, to Hilary Carlip for putting my essay on her site in the first place for Dan to read, and to Amy Sohn for telling Dan to go find me.

  To the Tiny Ladies ladies: Carol de Onís and Kathryn Higuchi for the fabulous copyediting, Heidi Slan, Jennifer Shoucair, Michele Jacob, Carisa Hays, and Suzanne Donahue for their work on publicity and sales, and Jennifer Weidman for all things legal.

  To Alan Rautbort, who has loved me and believed in me since the beginning.

  To the audiences of Sit ’n’ Spin for listening and laughing and being there as much of this material developed.

  To the other people who read early drafts and gave me their valued feedback as friends and editors: Sandi Wisenberg, Susie Bright, Harlyn Aizely, Neille Olson, Tom Madison, Bonnie MacFarlane, Ellen Silverstein, Becky Thyre, Cara diPaolo, Brett Paesel, Sarah Thyre, Lisa Kimmel, Anne Preven, Bernie Boscoe, Mary Wachtel, Jenifer Potts, Maggie Rowe, Jaclyn Lafer, Rabbi Michelle Missaghieh, Rabbi Lisa Edwards, and Jonathan Ames.

  Large, large thank yous to the other writers at Six Feet Under, my sweet friends who had to listen to me rant and rage about things as I was working them out in my mind for this book. They also all read drafts of it and gave me great feedback: Alan Ball, Craig Wright, Kate Robin, Scott Buck, Nancy Oliver, Rick Cleveland, and Bruce Eric Kaplan.

  To Jen Braeden, also known as Jennie Loughridge and Jane Braeden, for being in my head with me at all times, helping me with every single thing, and to Jasmin Segura for being in my house at all times, helping me with every single thing.

  To my other Hollywood peeps: again with the Alan Rautbort, Patty Detroit, John Huddle, Howard Altman, and Karl Austen, who manage my career and sell me about town in the most caring and respectful of ways.

  To Claudia Lonow, for inventing the phrase “Porno-ization of America” and sharing it with me in the bathroom at Rob Cohen’s party at the El Rey.

  To the Mothras, for being the people who populate the little performance space/nightclub where I hear my voice in my head. The Mothras who haven’t been thanked in other sections of this thankfulness: Amanda Lasher, Cynthia Sweeney, Erin Hosier, Holiday Reinhorn, Jessica Kaminsky, Justine Bateman, Lisa Carver, Missie Noel, Paula Killen, and Shana Berger.

  To my friends and some other people who have encouraged my writing or told me I could write or provided inspiration for what is in here: Eric Waddell, Madeline Moskowitz, Ron Zimmerman, Carrie Aizley, Melanie Hutsell, Tom Rogers, Mike Waterkotte, Rino Liberatore, Ron Lazzeretti, Angela Brown, Nonnie Brown, Oona Beauchard, Jonathan Schneidman, Sarah Silverman, Mick Napier, Mark Platt, Alan Poul, Joanna Lovinger, Christina Jokanavich, Ally Brecker-Shearmur, Terry Sweeney, Lanier Laney, John Levenstein, Peter Hems, Howard Junker, Abby Wolf-Weiss, and Robin Ruzan.

  To my sorta-step-daughters Amy and Natalie for giving me so much love for being their Other Mother, and,

  To my partner Dink for being so easy to love, for loving me, and for making a life with me that is beautiful. And to my son, for being everything.

  About the Author

  Jill Soloway was a writer on Six Feet Under for four seasons, most recently as Co-Executive Producer. She joined the staff for the second season after working on TV shows including The Oblongs, Baby Blues, and Nikki.

  She started out doing theater with her sister Faith in Chicago, where they created the generation-defining stage phenomenon The Real Live Brady Bunch at The Annoyance Theater. That play eventually went to the Village Gate in NY, the Geffen in LA, and toured the country and the world. She and her sister also created, directed, and performed in hit plays The Miss Vagina Pageant and Not Without My Nipples. With Maggie Rowe, Jill produced a night of comedic monologues and music called Sit ’n’ Spin in LA, as well as Hollywood Hell House, a straight-on walk-through performance of the actual haunted houses the Christian right uses as a conversion tool.

  Jill’s first short story was called Courteney Cox’s Asshole, which was published in Zyzzyva, then subsequently in Best American Erotica 2003. Jill has also written a novella called Jodi K, which can be found in Susie Bright’s collection, Three Kinds of Asking For It. Jill wrote many pieces for the Six Feet Under book, Better Living Through Death. This is Jill’s first real, whole book that’s just her.

  1By academic I mean that I’m going to be using footnotes throughout, like this one.

  2See Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Vilderamma, as mentioned in People June 7, 2004. Lindsay and Wilmer were “just friends” until Lindsay’s eighteenth birthday on July 28th, 2004, after which they were seen publicly enjoying affection at both the Spider Club in Los Angeles, and the Sheraton Keilani on Maui.

  3Are you wondering right now, Why are you arguing again, Jill? This isn’t a book for your college Womens’ Studies class, this is a funny book with humorous personal essays, so save the arguments for another time. Here’s the problem—I have these theories that I need to share before I die. These may be my parting words. I may be dead when you’re reading this and you’re getting the chills right now.

  4Okay, now add in the stuff in chapter one where I talked about how only a male orgasm is necessary for procreation! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? AND WHY IS IT THAT THIS VERY IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC TRUISM—THAT ONLY MEN NOT WOMEN NEED DESIRE FOR SEX TO OCCUR AND ONLY MEN NOT WOMEN NEED TO HAVE AN ORGASM FOR LIFE TO BEGIN—IS BEING DISCUSSED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME OUTSIDE OF A SCIENCE BOOK. IN THE TEENY TINY PRINT OF THE FOOTNOTE OF MY COMEDY BOOK? SOMEBODY HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!! NOW HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS MARKS FOR EMPHASIS?????????????

  5Go look it up, I don’t have time. I have a book to write, et al.

  6My shrink, Joy Lowenthal, told me this. (She didn’t say penis pole, I said penis pole. But she did say the stuff about the horizontal and vertical. I don’t know if she’s right, but I sure like how it supports my argument.)

  7Isn’t it fun when I say thus?

  8I don’t use this term derogatorily.

  9He also had vanity plates with his initials.

  10Have you noticed a theme? I’ve never known how to say anything remotely like “no” or “no thanks” or “I’d rather not.” That would suggest healthy things like boundaries. Also, I’ve never known how to br
eak up with anyone. As a youngster I either wrote long tedious letters in my roundy girlish hand, or had my sister call and pretend to be me. As I got older I wouldn’t call back, avoided phone calls, or got caught cheating, then apologized, sobbing and snotting out of my nose, “I don’t know what happened, I just don’t!”

  11Sometimes it’s not what the news says, but that we have news, brutally equalizing all pieces into similarly sized soundbites in a row, like news sausage: gang rape, ten killed in Iraq, the Dow Jones is up two points. Just once I wish the announcer would catch her breath and say, “Whew. Wow. Now that’s really sad,” and then forget to say the thing about news on the ones, or Northridge Honda’s tent sale.

  12Have you ever had a penis in your mouth and thought, “What in the hell am I doing? I have a penis in my mouth!”

  13the end