Boyfriends and Best Friends Forever!

by Katrina Kahler

  “Is Great Grandma coming home today?” I asked.

  “Nope,” she answered.

  “Great-Great Grandma?” I asked.

  “Nope,” she answered. “Haven’t seen her all month.”

  “So ah…” I asked uncomfortably.

  Grandma leaned into me. “Honey, I have a gentleman friend coming over.”

  My eyes popped wide open.

  “Dear, I’m old but not dead,” she smiled.

  “I know, I know, I know,” I said. “But, I didn't think you were…”

  “Dating?” she asked bluntly.

  Alright, I’ve seen a lot of weird things over the last year. I’ve done a lot of weirder things. I’ve come across vampires, witches, and aliens. Yet somehow, none of that stuff bothered me more than my grandma dating. I don’t know why. Sure she was old, but she wasn’t that old. And being super, she still looked to be in her late 30’s even though she must have been in her 50s. I felt my palms beginning to sweat. Yep, I’d worked up more sweat talking about my grandma’s love life than I did when fighting a super girl who can control time. It was official. I had a really weird life.

  Grandma snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Honey, talk please. Tony will be over soon and I would hate him to think that my granddaughter is mute. Of course, I’d better call you my niece. Hard to believe that aging slowly could cause problems. I guess I could tell him I had your mom when I was… 12? Nope, I don’t think so! When Tony arrives, you're my niece.” She gave me a little shake. “Hopefully, my talking niece…”

  “I can talk,” I said slowly.

  “Good,” Grandma said. “Is your blood sugar low? Remember that being super means we need a lot of calories each day.”

  I nodded. “Maybe my blood sugar is low. I haven’t eaten for a while.”

  Truthfully, it wasn’t. It was just that my morale was as low as could be. Even Grandma had somebody special in her life. My grandma. My fifty or sixty-something grandma was dating! Yep, she had a better love life than I did. Man! Talk about a new low.

  Grandma prepared a large plate of spaghetti and placed it in front of me. “I was hoping you’d be happier for me.”

  I forced a smile. “I am happy for you,” I said. My smiled reversed. “It’s me who I’m sad for.” I looked at her, a tear welling in my eye. “I’m sorry Grandma, I shouldn’t be acting like this… I’m not sad because you’re dating. I’m sad because everybody is dating. Mom has Oscar. Dad has Hana. She’s an android but a perfect looking one. Jessie has Tomas. And now Jason and Tanya are dating!” I said choking on the words.

  “Your Jason?” she asked. “Your BFF?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “He’s dating Tanya?” Grandma asked.

  “Yes,” I sighed.

  “The Tanya. The really pretty older girl with cool superpowers?” Grandma asked.

  “Yes!” I said.

  Grandma looked off into the distance. “Wow! She’s gorgeous. And such a catch. Good for him!”

  “Not helping, Grandma,” I said.

  Grandma laughed. “I don’t think you need help. Lia Strong, you are literally the most powerful person in the world. You can actually move mountains. You can move faster than a speeding bullet. You can generate energy. You have super pheromones and voice command ability. Your powers are pretty darn powerful!” she told me.

  “Yeah, and I’m alone…” I groaned.

  “You’re not alone, you’re just not dating. There is a difference.”

  I looked at her. Darn, Grandma was way smart. I did have an entire host of people in my life. I had great friends, a cool dog, and amazing support people from my dad’s company. I had my dad back in my life. I had three grandmothers. My mom was super, literally. I had really cool superpowers. I could freeze a lake with my breath, which meant I could ice skate in the summer. I had a super smart wrist computer communicator and I could make my outfit look exactly the way I wanted. I had a great dog…I know I already said that but he really is a cool dog. I really had no reason to feel sorry for myself. Yet somehow, I still did.

  Grandma sat down and rolled up her sleeve. She put her arm on the table. She waved her fingers at me.

  “Come on, girl,” she said.

  “Come on what?” I asked.

  “Let’s arm wrestle,” she said, dead serious.

  “Wait? Why?”

  Grandma waved her fingers, taunting me. “Just to prove to you how strong I still am.”

  “Grandma, I know you’re strong. I remember you lifting a cow to milk it….”

  “Are you chicken?” she asked. “Afraid an old woman is going to hurt you?”

  “No, of course not. I just don’t want to hurt you. I am way super strong,” I insisted.

  She folded her arms like wings and began clucking.

  “Ha! Ha! Very funny,” I informed her. “But I am not arm wrestling you.”

  Grandma plopped her arm back on the table. She flexed her muscles and I watched them rippling with strength. “You win…you get dessert. I win…you do the dishes, without powers!”

  I put my arm down on the table. I intertwined my fingers with hers. “You’re on, old lady!” I said with a grin, so she knew I was mostly kidding about the old lady part.

  “On the count of three, one…” she started pushing firmly down on my hand.

  It turned out that Grandma was even stronger than I thought. She drove my hand halfway to the table.

  “You cheated!” I said, finally counteracting her initial move.

  “No cheating in love, war and arm wrestling with someone a third your age,” she said, exerting more force.

  Though I felt the added effort on her part, my arm didn’t budge. I had been ready for her push. My arm held its ground. I felt her apply more and more force. Even so, my arm didn’t drop an inch. In fact, I started to push her arm back up.

  “You think you’re pretty strong!” Grandma said, sweat building on her forehead.

  “I am kind of kicking your butt, even though you cheated,” I grinned.

  “Me, cheat?” she said. “I never…” without finishing that sentence she reached over and tweaked me on the nose. “Tweak!” she said.

  I ignored her tweak and pinned her hand to the table, smashing through the tabletop.

  “Oops,” I said.

  Grandma laughed. “I’m always replacing tables lately.”

  I chuckled. “Why did you tweak me?”

  She shrugged. “Just wanted to lighten the mood and make you feel happier. Did it work?”

  “It did.” I sat back in the chair and pointed to her refrigerator. “Now, please bring me my dessert!” I ordered playfully as I started gobbling down my spaghetti. The arm wrestle had really given me an appetite. I certainly did feel better, although I wasn’t sure why.

  Grandma got up and bowed. “As you wish.” She stretched out her arm. “I’m proud of you, you’re not only as strong as a herd of bulls, but I couldn’t shake your concentration.”

  “Funny, I also tweaked Kayla today after I knocked her out with a clap,” I said.

  “Great minds think alike,” Grandma laughed, whipping together a delicious ice cream sundae with all my favorite flavors and bringing it to me.

  “You think like me. You act like me. You’re stronger than me. That’s why I know you will be fine.”

  “Thanks, but I’m still without a boyfriend!”

  Grandma sat next to me. “Come on, Jason is your BFF and he’s a boy.”

  “I’m still stuck without a real boyfriend!” I said.

  Grandma raised an eyebrow. “Are you jealous of Tanya?”

  That’s what I loved about my grandma. She was whacky, but man, she could get to the point. “Yes, a little,” I admitted.

  “Do YOU want to be romantic with Jason?” she asked, once again getting right to the point.

  “No, maybe, maybe someday, I don’t know. I’d maybe like that option in the future…maybe…” I told her.

  “So it�
�s a definitely-maybe then,” Grandma said.

  I shook my head yes and no. “I have no idea. I’m so confused.”

  Grandma put her hand on my shoulder. “You’re a teen! You’re supposed to be confused. Heck, I’m still figuring out what I want in a man… and I’m, let’s just say, older than you are by a few years. But honey, you can’t expect Jason to sit on his hands waiting for you. The boy is loyal but he still gets to have a life without you, the same as you do without him.”

  I sighed. My sigh messed up Grandma’s hair. “Sorry,” I said.

  “Ah don’t worry, Tony likes it this way!” she said with a smirk. Crazily enough, I didn’t think she was joking.

  Yep, my grandma had a much better love life than me. I was happy for her, but a little sad for me. Before I could wallow for too long, though, my super senses suddenly became alert.

  “Uh oh,” I said.

  Grandma listened. She shook her head. “Sorry, my hearing isn’t nearly as good as yours. What’s going on?”

  I stood up. “Bank robber at the Starlight City Third National Bank. I can hear the alarms.” I shook my head. “Who would be dumb enough to rob a bank in my town?”

  Grandma shrugged. “Maybe they’re from out of town? Be careful honey!”

  I switched my suit on. “I will!” I started towards the door. “I guess I will meet your Tony another day.”

  “I’m sure you will,” Grandma said.

  Dear Diary: This is what my life has become. I am happy about a robbery because it takes my mind off my terrible social life.

  Fear Factor

  I landed on the concrete stairs of the Third National Bank. Glancing through the window I saw four clowns holding balloons and balls, robbing the bank. All the customers were lying on the floor, covered in some sort of glue. The trembling tellers were putting money into the clown’s bags. I heard police sirens wailing in the distance. They would arrive quickly.

  “Hurry Bozo!” one of the clowns ordered another. He looked at an oversized watch on his ankle. “We have three minutes to get in and out before the police come.”

  I pushed the door open and stormed into the room. “Seriously, guys! Robbing a bank in my town?”

  “Of course we’re not serious! We’re clowns. But just because we aren’t serious doesn’t mean we can’t really be robbing a back. We’re doing it in a fun way. Now if you don’t mind, we need to get this done before the police get here.”

  I felt pretty offended that they were more worried about the police than they were me.

  “Do you guys have any idea who I am?” I asked.

  “Some weird kid in a costume. Who probably doesn’t have any money so she’s not worth robbing,” the middle sized clown said. “Now, if you don’t mind, we have work to do.”

  “You Bozo’s are going to jail!” I said, dramatically as I could.

  A tall clown pointed to a middle-sized clown who was collecting money. “He’s the only Bozo here! Come on, girl, we all have our own names, you know.”

  “Yeah, clowns are people too!” another clown said.

  “Okay, fine,” I told them, “but you still can’t rob the bank!”

  The tall clown bowed to me. He looked up and smiled. “Actually, I think we can. It may not be legal but we can still do it.”

  “Okay, once again, fine, but I am going to stop you,” I said. “I really don’t want to hurt you clowns so I’d prefer if you would just give up!”

  The tall clown laughed. I couldn’t tell if it was a fake or sincere laugh.

  The other three chuckled as well. They all pointed at me.

  “Ha! You’re almost as funny as we are!”

  “Yeah, clowns don’t give up!”

  “Yeppers, clowning is a tough business. It’s not for those who give up!”

  I looked around the bank. The people were all on the ground shaking and covering their eyes. This was not normal fear.

  “What did you do to this people?” I demanded.

  The tall white-faced clown frowned. “They didn’t laugh at our jokes. So we made them scared.”

  “Yeppers,” the one called Bozo said. “If we can’t make you laugh we will make you cry. Laughter can be tricky. I know there is no such thing as a universally funny joke that absolutely everyone finds amusing. Though a kick between the legs in close.”

  “Falling off a horse is also close!” another clown offered.

  “Farting in an elevator can get a lot chuckles too!” a different clown said.

  The clowns all nodded in approval. When their heads bobbed up and down they made squeaking noises.

  “Therefore, in conclusion, if we can’t make them cry with laughter we will make them cry with fear!” the tall clown said, holding up an oversized finger.

  Bozo grinned. “Same end result.”

  “I have to admit, I think clowns are pretty freaky. Why do you have to paint your faces white and have big fake smiles and wear huge oversized shoes? I mean how is that funny?”

  “It’s an art!” the four of them told me.

  “People don’t appreciate us any longer!” a short clown at the back said. Truthfully, I had only just noticed him.

  “Yeah, they laugh at us, not with us!” another one of the clowns said.

  I crossed my arms and tapped my boot on the floor. “Come on, you clowns, this isn't funny. Just give up now so I don’t have to hurt you.” I made a fist. “Trust me, I’m not clowning around here!”

  The clowns all gave a collected sigh. A couple of them forced a giggle. The tall one pointed at me. “Oh, Ha, Ha! The little fake superhero made a joke! Clowns hate being the butt of jokes when we’re not the ones telling the jokes.”

  I held up my hands to show them I wasn’t a threat. (I’ve been doing that a lot lately.) My goal really was to talk them down, to convince them to give up without me having to pummel them. I really didn’t like the idea of beating up a bunch of clowns. Sure, I found clowns freaky but others might like them.

  The tall clown walked towards me. “You know, people think just because we wear fake smiles and make fools of ourselves, we are fools! But you know little girl, clowns can be smart too!”

  I took a step back. “Wait, you guys really have no idea who I am?”

  “I think it’s whom I am,” the tall clown corrected.

  “No, I’m pretty sure it’s….”

  The tall clown squirted me in the face with his flower.

  “Ha, Ha! Very funny!” I said.

  “Wait for it!” the clown laughed.

  “Oh, definitely wait for it!” the other clowns laughed in chorus behind him.

  I picked the clown up with a finger. “This is going to hurt you way more than it hurts me!” I told him.

  “Oh, so you are as strong as they say!” the clown giggled. “Good to know. Good to know. Glad I used a strong shot on you. I would have hated to waste it.”

  “So you guys have heard of me?” I asked, actually feeling a little relieved.

  “Of course, Super Teen,” the clown I held up in the air replied. “We wanted you to let your guard down. And it worked.”

  “What worked? You squirted me with water!”

  “Wait for it!” the clown said, his creepy smile growing.

  My brain shot into overdrive as wild thoughts suddenly began to spin in my head...

  Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I’m like the only teenage girl in the world without a boyfriend. I thought. I dropped the clown to the ground, he was no longer important. I’m going to die alone. I’m so hideous! I can never kiss anybody because my breath will wilt them. If I lift up my arms at the wrong moment, I can knock them out with body odor and kill them. If anybody tried to give me a foot massage that would be the end of them. I can’t even hug another person without crushing them. I’m a monster. No wonder I’m alone. I will always be alone. I don’t deserve to be with anybody. I can’t be with anybody. I’m a freak. I should fly to the moon and live there!? Wait, can I live in space? I don’t know! I don’t care
! I can fly to an island in the middle of the ocean and live there alone. Yes, that’s it, that’s what I’ll do. No wonder Jason prefers Tanya to me. She’s not only way, way, way, way, way better looking, she has control of her power. I’m a mess, a complete and utter mess.

  “Super Teen snap out of this!” I heard the somewhat familiar voice of Jason’s dad, Captain Michael’s echo through the fog that was my brain.

  “I got this, Dad,” Jason said. Jason put his hands on my shoulder. “Super Teen you’ve been hit with some sort of fear liquid. It makes everybody that breathes it in feel fear.”

  “But wait, I’m Super Teen!” I said, noticing Jason had a mask over his face and was passing one to his dad.

  “True, but even Super Teen needs to breathe,” he replied. “And yes even Super Teen feels fear! You are human.”

  “What can I do?”

  “Leap into the air and rotate really fast. That way, I think you can spin the liquid off you!”

  I ran out through the doors. When I say through the doors, I actually ran right through them without opening them, leaving a Lia sized impression in the timber. Man, something else to worry about. I was truly a danger to all around me.

  No, I wasn’t. I mean I was, but I could control this because it was all in my head. The outdoor air hit my face. I bent my legs and leaped up into the sky. I held my arms out and began to spin. I saw globs of liquid flying off me. I couldn’t be sure if it was sweat or that goop the clowns had sprayed me with. I held my breath to be on the safe side.

  As I rose higher and higher my head become clearer and clearer. Those clowns had really got me. When I caught them again I was going to make them pay. For now, though, it was time to go home and regroup!

  Dear Diary: Here’s the deal...I know a lot of what I’ve been thinking, or at least the intensity of those thoughts, is due to me being covered in fear goo by those clowns. Next time we meet, I will get my revenge. Man, they may have been lousy clowns but they were way smart. They knew enough about my psyche to catch me off guard. They took advantage of my ego. Nope, that won’t happen again! Plus, they’d had some scientific training. Without it, they wouldn’t have been able to come up with such a nasty concoction. I hate it when people misuse science. But, like Jason always says, when it comes to science, you have to sometimes take the bad that comes with the awesome good.