I sniffed again. They'd left out the flavor for sure. Still, if the hamsters could make enough of it, UNEF could survive until our first crops were ready. That thought brought a surge of hope in my chest that surprised me. Picking up the spoon, I put some in my mouth, and swallowed. It was better than some MREs I'd eaten. "Thank you." I stood up and made a short bow.
To my surprise, the lead Ruhar gave me a quick salute, then they left me and locked the door again. A minute later, while I was eating mush, the other door unlocked.
"Damn, that took forever." Skippy complained.
Talking through a mouthful of mush, I said "What's your hurry? You waited a long time already, what's another ten minutes?"
“I was stuck there, alone, for a long time, which to an AI like me is like a bazillion years.”
“Wow! Really, a bazillion?”
“Maybe even a bazillion gajillion. To explain it in caveman terms, if you kicked your shoes off and counted all your fingers and toes, it’s even more than that. Blows your mind, huh?”
“Beer can says what?”
“Don’t give me attitude, meatsack.”
“Meatsack? Can we go back to the part where you asked me for help? Hey, I can drop you down this chute the Ruhar have helpfully labelled ‘Trash’. And yeah, I can read a few words of Ruhar. Maybe a couple bazillion gajillion years sitting at the bottom of a garbage heap will improve your attitude.”
"Go ahead, monkey boy, try getting out of here without me."
Quickly, I scooped the last spoonfuls of mush into my mouth. "Can we leave now?"
"No, big stupidhead, you waited too long asking me idiot questions. A Ruhar Dodo just landed, bringing in fresh troops. We have to wait until they rotate out, it won't be long."
"All right, what then? I escape, and carry you with me? We'll need supplies; food, weapons, ammo."
“And I need fuel. I am powered partly by a micro fusion reactor, and I require a supply of helium 3, in metallic form.”
“Sure, I’ll pop down to the local Ruhar Quickie Mart, they probably have metallic helium 3 on the shelf between the microwave burritos and the Slim Jims. You want a lotto ticket, too?”
“I’m trying to be serious, Joe.”
“Sorry. Uh, how long until you run out of fuel?”
“At projected power usage, now that I’m more active, my current fuel will run out in seven to twelve thousand years.”
“Oh,” I rolled my eyes, “I’ll get right on it, then.”
"It's not so funny to me."
"Sorry." Seven thousand years was not long for him, considering. "I got to tell you, Skippy, I don't know what to do next. I don't even know what side of this war we should be on. Humans, I mean."
“I can’t advise you about which side of the war you should be on, I’m neutral. I’m above all this, to me you’re all just bugs fighting over crumbs on a sidewalk.”
“Thank you for being so helpful.”
“Actually, I can help you with that. Let’s take this month’s Cosmo cover quiz, entitled “Is he the Right One for you to go to war with’?”
“I’m not taking a stupid Cosmo quiz!”
Skippy ignored me. “Come on, it’ll be fun and educational. First question; should species with less advanced technology be allowed to develop on their own, or should they be conquered because they’re weak?”
“Oh, I thought you meant-” Maybe Skippy was going to be serious for a minute. “I’ll take Noninterference for $200, Alex.”
“You’re mixing metaphors, this isn’t Jeopardy.”
“All right, I’ll play along. I’m against conquering, or being conquered.”
Skippy sniffed. “You know, sometimes a woman likes a bad boy.”
“Is this a Cosmo quiz, or is this about interstellar politics? Do the Ruhar and their allies conquer weaker species?”
“No.” Skippy sounded upset that I wasn’t letting it have fun. “The Jeraptha and Ruhar have known about your planet for a thousand years, as you’ve been on the edge of their territory, but they left you alone, except for stealth satellite surveillance. They only stepped in when the wormhole shift allowed the Kristang access to your miserable dirtball of a planet.”
Skippy had just confirmed the burgermeister told me the truth. “Then why haven’t the Ruhar stopped the lizards?”
“Because the other end of your local wormhole is in Kristang space, and the wormhole allows the Kristang to get to Earth in a couple short jumps by a Thuranin star carrier. The Ruhar don’t have a wormhole anywhere near your solar system, it takes them a lot of jumps to get there, and that supply line is impractical for a sustained campaign. Also, your planet isn’t important enough. The Kristang want Earth, but mostly they’re hoping to harass and distract the Ruhar, because now the Kristang have a foothold on the Ruhar’s flank.”
I considered what Skippy had said, it matched what the Burgermeister had told me. “Do the Ruhar kill prisoners of war, and civilians?”
“There have been incidents, as happens in every conflict, but it is not their policy. You have seen the Kristang policies.”
“Then we are on the wrong side of this war. The Nazis did that shit, that’s the side we’re fighting on now.”
"You don't appear to be fight anyone right now."
"You know what I mean, smart ass."
"I wasn't joking. You are still thinking in terms of fighting, either fighting the Ruhar or the Kristang. The fighting is over for your Expeditionary Force. Your only concern should be the survival of humans on this planet, if you want my advice. Which you should, because I'm smarter than you can imagine."
"Bullshit. Not about you being smart, although so far all you've done is unlock a door. Bullshit that my only concern should be humans on this planet. I'm an Army officer, my concern is the security of my country back home. And all humans on Earth. Which I can't do a thing about from here. You say the fighting is over? I heard from a Ruhar, Bat, Bat something-" why in the hell couldn't I remember her name?
"Baturnah Logellia, the deputy planetary administrator. You called her the Burgermeister. She told you the Jeraptha ambushed a Thuranin battlegroup and destroyed it. She was telling the truth."
"Wait, how the hell do you know what she told me?"
"I have access to all communications, all information storage systems, on or around this planet. Yours was one of many conversations I intercepted at that time. It was one of the more interesting conversations, since I knew you were being flown to this base. Before you landed, I caused a power overload in the area the Ruhar planned to put the four of you, which forced them to use alternate locations as temporary cells. My hope was one of you would be put in here, or an adjoining room."
"And your bad luck is that it was me?" I asked skeptically.
"No, I was pleased when they put you in there. Your three companions are in another building."
"You are pleased because I'm the ranking officer?"
"You have got to be kidding me. Why would I care that you're the alpha in your band of lice-infested monkeys? No, I am pleased because, of the four of you, your service records indicate you have the lowest IQ, as measured by your militaries."
I felt like stomping his beer can flat on the floor. "So, you want the dumbest of the dumb monkeys?"
"You're all equally dumb to me. My point is that, although you have the lowest IQ, you have been remarkably adaptable and successful, Joe. There are many ways to measure intelligence, written tests don't cover all parameters. I need someone who can get things done in the real world, and you have."
"Thank you, I guess." Super smart or not, he had a lot to learn about giving compliments. “Wait, how do you know all this, my service record, all that?” I demanded.
“It’s easy, I’ve been reading your mail. Your wireless data transmissions, and then I broke into your computer system.”
“Wait. That’s bullshit.” I didn’t know much about how our encrypted radios worked, but I did remember some of the stuff I’d been tol
d during training. “Those digital radios transmit in bursts, and they use, uh, 4096 bit encryption, or something like that. The Army says no way can that encryption be broken.”
“Oh, that is so cute! Your species is like a dog who thinks he’s being clever by pooping behind the couch.”
That made me laugh. I’d had a dog like that.
Skippy continued. “4096 bit? Please, with a system that rudimentary I don’t even bother to decrypt it, I just skip to the end and read the file.”
“That’s impossible. It doesn’t even make sense.”
Skippy sighed. “Let me see if I can dumb this down enough for you. Are you familiar with universal wavefunction theory?”
“Universal what?”
“Oh boy. This is going to be a challenge, even for me. All right, have you at least heard of Schrodinger’s cat?”
“I’m a dog person. My mother is allergic to cats.”
“Hopeless. Joe, it’s best for your species to think that this is all magic, involving unicorns and fairy dust.”
“Whatever. I still don’t believe you.” Which was a lie, since this shiny softball had clearly been reading super top secret files. “Can you read my mind?”
“Ugh. Going in there would be like trying to swim in an empty pool. I could shout, and all I’d hear is my voice echoing off the inside of your skull. Seriously, you think anything in your head is worth me looking at?”
Clearly, this conversation wasn’t going anywhere, I decided to change the subject. "Hey, genius, if you can intercept all communications on Paradise, can you tell me where Shauna Jarrett is right now?" Yes, I should first have inquired about my fireteam, then my old fireteam. I was thinking with my other head. So sue me.
"She's fine, right now she's at a logistics base, waiting for a Ruhar dropship to land. The base has plenty of food, she's better off than most of you monkeys."
It was good to hear that Shauna was safe, thinking about her kind of made me ache to see her, I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. Skippy told me that my fireteam was also doing well, well-treated prisoners of the Ruhar along with the rest of the platoon. Sergeant Koch, Cornpone and Ski were much the same, except that they were in a convoy of three hamvees that had stopped in the middle of nowhere, waiting orders. And Major Perkins was at UNEF HQ, which was hosting a group of high-ranking Ruhar for surrender negotiations. That reminded me, I wanted to know the tactical situation. "Tell me more about the situation upstairs."
"Deputy Administrator Logellia told the truth, but not the whole truth. The Ruhar and their patrons the Jeraptha have destroyed an entire enemy battlegroup, it was a most impressive victory. The Thuranin command has decided this sector is not worth fighting over any more, they're letting the Ruhar recapture this planet. The Jeraptha and Ruhar victory might have been aided by intelligence data provided by a source that is unnamed, but whose name rhymes with, uh, let's say 'Stippy'. Enemy forces this side of the closest wormhole are scattered and disorganized, they will be limited to conducting raids on this planet."
"You gave the Ruhar intel on the enemy battlegroup?"
"As I said, I have access to all information storage systems and communications on and around this planet, including military status and strategy. It was easy for me to plant intel in their systems. More than that, the Ruhar think they lured the Thuranin into an ambush because of their raid when you were at the Launcher, but the ambush actually worked because I provided intel to the Thuranin that a large Jeraptha force was regrouping in the area, and the Thuranin planned to ambush them."
"You manipulated this whole situation? I call bullshit on that."
"No bullshit, this is for realz, homeboy. I needed the lizards and their creepy little Thuranin patrons away from this planet. Why are you surprised that, oh, damn it, hamsters are coming into this warehouse. Get back into your cell, I'll talk to you soon."
It wasn't soon, about three hours by my guess. Hamsters came to bring me to the bathroom again, then I sat and thought long and hard. Even with my, as Skippy said, limited intelligence. When he opened the door again, I had a question ready for him. "Ok, Skippy, explain me this. The Ruhar are back in charge, they're here to stay. Escaping from this place only puts me in a larger prison that we call Paradise and the Ruhar call Gehtanu. And at least here, I get nutrient mush to eat. So, instead of carrying you out of here, why shouldn't I tell the Ruhar what you are, and maybe get some consideration from them, some sort of better treatment for humans here?"
"Oh, man, I was wondering when your slow brain was going to figure that one out. It took you long enough."
"You knew I was, oh, forget it. Tell me why I shouldn't do it."
"First, because if you tell the Ruhar, I'll go dormant and they'll think you're lying, because to their scans, I'm an inert lump of metal. Second, you're thinking way too small, Colonel Joe. An officer of your rank should be thinking of how to rescue Earth from the Kristang."
"Right." I snorted. "Would it work if I clicked my heels three times and said 'lizards get away from my home'? Other than that, I got nothing."
"Toto, you weren't paying attention. You need ruby slippers to click your heels, not combat boots."
"Dorothy wore the shoes, not Toto."
"Between the two, you remind me more of the dog."
"Whatever. I assume you wouldn't have mentioned it unless you have an actual plan, so talk, or I'm leaving you here. Stealing you, and escaping from the Ruhar, can only cause me and UNEF trouble, so you'd better have a really good offer for me."
Skippy altered his voice to sound like a caricature of a smarmy game show host. "Behind Door Number One is an all expense paid trip off this planet for me, you and a select group of your closest friends. Door Number Two is an exciting luxury cruise back to Earth. And Door Number Three is a way to permanently cut off the Kristang's access to Earth. All you have to do, Colonel Joe Bishop, is choose one of these fabulous prizes!"
"I-"
"Or all three. Hint, hint, I'd take all three, if I were you."
"Now I know you're bullshitting me. If you could get off this planet and travel to another star, you would have done that a long time ago. And you told me you can't fly a ship, so how are we going anywhere?" I felt smart for remembering that. "You got some 'splanin' to do, Lucy."
"Ahh." Skippy sighed. "Joe, Joe, you weren't paying attention again. Good thing there isn't a pop quiz later, because you'd fail for sure. I said I can't operate aircraft or ships that I am aboard. What I can do it unlock access to aircraft and ships, so you monkeys can fly it for me. I can tell you how to program the autopilot, and you monkeys press the control buttons. Uh!" He stopped me before I could speak, I pictured him holding up an imaginary finger to shush me. "Shut up and let me finish! If you keep interrupting me with stupid questions, we'll be here all day. Here's the plan: we bust out of here, grab some guns because you monkeys need shiny toys to play with, and steal a Ruhar dropship. One of you monkeys flies us to a human base where we hit the drive-through for supplies and volunteers to come with us, I figure twenty of you monkeys is plenty, any more than that and I'd gag on the smell. Then we fly out of orbit to rendezvous with a Kristang ship, I'll send a signal that we're lizards who captured a Ruhar dropship so there will be a lizard ship waiting for us. We board and capture the Kristang ship, jump it out to wherever the Thuranin star carrier is waiting, board and capture that, and fly it to Earth. Voila! Plan accomplished."
"You missed the part about cutting off the lizard's access to Earth." Not that I believed any of his story.
"Oh, that. I'll shut down the wormhole after we go through it."
"That simple?"
"That simple. I tell the wormhole mechanism to go dormant. Presto! No more wormhole, no more pesky lizards coming through it."
That didn't address the lizards who were already on Earth. One problem at a time, right? "Why do you want to go to Earth?"
"Earth? Earth is a flea and monkey infested rathole, and those are the nice comments on the
interstellar travel websites. No, I do not want to go to Earth."
"So what do you get out of this?"
"Well, ha, ha, there is this one little thing. A trifle, barely worth mentioning."
Oh, shit. What did he want? "Oh, please, do mention it," I put as much sarcasm into my voice as I could muster.
"I want to find the Collective. That is a communications web for AIs, built by the Elders. It's the only way for me to connect with others of my own kind."
"There are others like you?"
"Like, me? No, for I am unique and special. If you mean other AIs who served the Elders, yes."
"You want us to fly the ship for you, so you can contact this Collective? Is this before, or after, we go to Earth?"
"Before. I don't trust you monkeys to carry out your part of the bargain. If we get to Earth first, you'll want to keep the ship there so you can use it, or take it apart and figure out how it work. Good luck with that, by the way, you brainless apes would have trouble figuring out a Thuranin doorknob. No deal. We contact the Collective first."
"You don't trust us monkeys, but we're supposed to trust a talking beer can?"
"We can build trust. Let's start with this; you fall backward and I'll catch you."
"Very funny."
"I meant it when I said we can build trust. You don't tell the hamsters about me, and you don't tell your idiot UNEF commanders, because they'll run right to the hamsters. In fact, don't tell anyone about me, until we're at least in orbit. I'll get us out of here, you get us supplies and a crew, because we need a boarding party to deal with the natives on ships we capture."
"Let's say we do bust out of this joint," Skippy had me talking like a 1930s gangster, "and we find a Dodo and somehow get aboard and take it. The Ruhar are going to shoot it down right away."
"How can they shoot down what they don't see? I'll instruct their sensor network to ignore our hijacked Dodo. I can also transmit the proper identification codes to both the Ruhar and the Kristang. Please, Joe, don't insult me, I've planned all this. Me jamming sensor systems is easier than you doing a two-piece jigsaw puzzle. Here's a hint for you; the tab goes into the slot, and the side with the plain cardboard goes face down."
Columbus Day (Expeditionary Force Book 1) Page 27
