Without telling people I had an ancient AI helping us, how was I going to convince people to volunteer? Was I supposed to tell them I have a magic charm, shaped like a beer can? Then I thought for a moment. I could build their trust the same way Skippy would build my trust, by doing things. Escaping this makeshift prison, stealing a Ruhar Dropship and flying it undetected to a human supply base would impress a lot of people. It sure would impress me.
Something was nagging me. Supplies. "Skippy, there's a hole in your plan. We humans need to eat food. There isn't a lot of human food on this planet. And we can't take so much food with us aboard a Dodo, that people here starve."
"Oh, that. Thuranin ships have food synthesizers. I know human nutritional requirements. You only need to bring snacks with you. And coffee, if you can find it. You're grumpy in the morning."
"How do you know what I'm like in the morning?" I asked warily.
"I've been watching you, and listening to you, through your zPhone. I've been monitoring every human, hamster and lizard on or near this planet. It's the most boring reality TV show ever, by the way."
"Crap! The Kristang have been watching us, even when we're not using our phones?" That thought scared the hell out of me.
"No, that's just me, the lizards can't do all of that. I've also been filtering which communications the lizards listen to, because I didn't want them doing anything to screw with my plan. I gotta tell you, Joe, when I first heard the Kristang was bringing a grubby low-tech species here, I almost jumped for joy. This is what I've been waiting for, longer than you can imagine. So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?"
Holy shit. Was I actually thinking of doing this? For real? Just like that, he expected me sign up to his fantastical plan? "Skippy, come on, I need time to think about this."
"Really? Considering your puny brain power, you think time will help with the thinking process?"
Maybe he was right; I'd read studies that a person's first reaction is more often than not the correct one, that your subconscious brain makes decisions without you realizing it. The hamsters locked me in a warehouse, where I found a magical talking beer can who had a plan to rescue my home planet from the Kristang. Or he was just screwing with me. He was, after all, an asshole.
While I was thinking, I poked around the warehouse, looking for anything useful, while staying close enough to the door that I could get back in my cell quickly if needed. "Skippy, what is all this stuff?"
"Artifacts from the Elders, dug up by the Kristang and the Ruhar. These artifacts are the real reason this planet is worth fighting over. So far, they've only found a few trinkets they think are useful. They found me, and had no idea that I'm by far the most valuable thing in this sector of the galaxy. Dumb-ass lizards and hamsters."
I picked up an artifact like a box with a long tube attached, it gave no indication what function it had once performed. Carefully, I set it back down on the shelf, in the same dust void where it had been, so the hamsters wouldn't know someone had been screwing with their stuff. The question was not whether I wanted to rescue Earth. I wore the uniform, it was my duty to act if I could. The question is whether I believed a being that looked more like a Coors Light than an omnipotent AI. "Skippy, you've sold me on this deal. I still think you're at least 90 percent bullshit, but if there is any chance we can cut off Kristang access to Earth, I'm taking it. I'm sure not doing anything useful on this planet." Earth was also my best chance to get a cheeseburger within the next, say, century. "Tell me your plan. Details."
"It's more of a concept than a plan."
"That's not how you build confidence, Skippy."
"Your species has a saying: 'no plan survives contact with the enemy'. That's decent wisdom, even for monkeys."
"Yeah, that's why the Army trains us to be flexible and adapt." I explained. "You are still supposed to start with a op plan."
"Maybe I didn't say it the right way. The reason I can't tell you the plan is, there are several plans, depending on what the lizards do. And the Thuranin. Like, when we get out of orbit and I whistle for a ride, the next step is totally different depending on whether the Kristang send one ship, or more than one."
"Now we're getting somewhere. Tell me our options."
"This is complicated-"
"Skippy, before I was a colonel with a cushy job planting potatoes, I was a grunt carrying a rifle in the Nigerian jungle. That means I can instinctively smell when a hair-brained plan is going to get people killed for nothing, people like me. You may be super intelligent, but when was the last time you were in combat? Your plans rely on humans to capture ships, right? I know what human soldiers can and can't do."
"Fair enough." And Skippy told me his plan.
Holy shit. I really was going to do this.
Our chance to bust out of the joint came the next morning. My sleep on a cot had been fitful. Within a short time, I'd gone from imminent execution by the lizards, to launching a mission to SAVE THE WORLD. Yes, the all caps are intentional, wouldn't you? It was amazing I got any sleep at all. With a click, the door unlocked again, and Skippy called out. "Hurry, it's time to go."
I looked at him carefully. "How do I pick you up?" He probably wouldn't like me leaving greasy fingerprints on his shiny chrome.
"It doesn't matter, stick me in a pocket for now. We need to move. A Dodo landed and the hamsters have unloaded the cargo, it's being prepped for return to orbit. There are only twenty two Ruhar at this base right now, including the Dodo crew. I've locked twelve Ruhar in buildings where they can't get out, the Dodo controls are disabled, and I'm ghosting comms so the Ruhar in orbit think everything here is hunky-dory."
Hunky-dory? My grandparents used to say that. Where did Skippy pick up old human slang? "Weapons. Even my limited intelligence can figure that leaves plenty of hamsters I need to deal with."
There was another click, and a big double set of doors at the far end popped open. "Out that door, to the left, another left, and there is an armory with all the Ruhar rifles you could want. The firing controls on all other Ruhar weapons here have been fried, so nobody will be shooting at you."
I'd believe that when I saw it. Skippy was heavy for a beer can, he sat awkwardly in my right pants pocket. Running was impossible unless I held onto him through the fabric. He was telling the truth, we found an armory with racks of Ruhar rifles. "These all work?"
"Yes, yes, quickly now. Take four and I'll disable the rest. There are more weapons aboard the Dodo that I've temporarily disabled."
Ruhar rifles were shorter and heavier than our M-4s. I couldn't carry four of them, plus Skippy. Fortunately, being an armory, the room also contained backpacks. And the hamster type of zPhones, which I also took four of. I stuffed three rifles into a backpack, and Skippy in a side pocket, with his lid peeking out the top. "Safety is on the right side of the rifle, slide it to red for active. On the left side is a setting for stun, then two settings for particle beams, both single shot and rapid fire." He explained. "Ruhar body armor absorbs and dissipates the effect of stun beams, so aim for their heads. They can't shoot back, you should have plenty of time to aim."
"Stun setting, got it." There was no point killing hamsters. Killing would be counter-productive, as the humans staying behind on Paradise needed Ruhar help to survive. If Skippy's escape plan went south, I wanted to limit the blowback on UNEF. "Where next?"
"It would be advantageous for your three friends to help us, but first we need to get to the building where they are being held. Take a right, go straight down the hallway, last door on the left, three Ruhar eating breakfast there."
"They don't know anything is wrong?"
"Not until they try to use their weapons. The Dodo crew is running through preflight checks, they don't know their ship is disabled yet."
It went like Skippy promised. I paused outside the door, listening to squeaky hamster chatter, triple-checking my rifle was set on stun and the safety was off. I shrugged off the backpack and set it in the floor, took a deep
breath, and dashed around the corner.
Three hamsters, in uniform but with no body armor or weapons, were sitting at a table, eating hamster food and drinking cups of hamster coffee. Two of them had their backs to me, I aimed at the one facing me and pulled the trigger. The stun beam was only faintly visible, but the rifle had a helpful laser targeting beam that Skippy should have told me about. Stun beams worked like a taser was my guess, the Ruhar I shot jerked, went rigid and slumped face forward to bang its head on the table. Switching aim, I shot another one, but the third hamster was fast, she spun to the floor and was almost behind a table when I shot her in the ass. She went down, too. Warily, I approached them to check pulses. Alive. "How long does this last?"
"Three minutes unconscious, five to regain full function." Skippy answered from outside the door.
That wasn't long enough. I should have asked Skippy that question. Or the super intelligent being should have thought it was important for me to know. One of the hamsters had a folding knife, I used it to cut off their shirts, slice the fabric into strips and bind their wrists, ankles and to gag their mouths. The last one was moving when I was trying to get his feet tied. "Skippy, can I stun them again?"
"A second time won't hurt, a third time could cause brain damage."
To be safe, I shot them all again. Before picking up my pack, I opened closets and found a handy coil of cord to bring with me, frantically cutting it into one meter lengths. Getting to the building where my companions were being held involved running in the open, made easier because Skippy knew exactly where every hamster was and he was spoofing all their cameras. Three more hamsters went down with stun shots, two of them had body armor and rifles, which they pointed at me. Nothing happened when they pulled the triggers. Puzzled and alarmed, they tried to run while checking their rifles. They didn't get far, their body armor partly protecting them wasn't enough against my careful aim. It's easy to take the time to aim when you know the enemy can't shoot back.
It was the moment when two Ruhar soldiers pointed rifles at me, completely confident in their body armor against a single human, that I first felt I could trust Skippy. Unlocking doors was one level of trick, remotely disabling selected weapons was on an entirely different level. Maybe all that bullshit he told me wasn't entirely, you know, bullshit.
Skippy unlocked the doors to the temporary cells where Adams, Desai and Chang were imprisoned as I ran into the building, shouting for them to move. The alarm was out across the base anyway, two hamster soldiers I'd stunned had been able to squeak something out loud before they went down. Desai was out of her cell, trying to decide which way to run, when she saw me and I tossed a rifle to her. She caught it and ran after me, where we found Adams and Chang wrestling on the floor with a hamster soldier who was wearing body armor and trying to keep the two humans from taking its rifle. I put my rifle against it unarmored neck and pulled the trigger.
"Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit! Oh, fuck, that hurts!" Adams had caught part of the stun charge by hanging onto the hamster. She rose unsteadily to her knees, then her feet, hanging onto the wall.
"It'll wear off. You all right?" I asked.
"Squared away, sir." She gasped.
"Don't use that," I told Chang, who had picked up the hamster's rifle, "it doesn't work. Use this one," I pulled a rifle from my pack. "Safety switch here, and this one controls stun and particle beam, leave it on stun."
"Got it. What's next?" Chang practiced using the Ruhar rifle's selector switches.
"We jack a Dodo and dust off." I explained hurriedly while binding the hamster's arms and feet. "Stun any hamster you see along the way. If we have time, tie them up with this cord, the stun effect only lasts a couple minutes."
Adams explained to our two companions who spoke excellent English, but may not be current on US military slang. "We're going to steal a Ruhar dropship ship and fly away."
"How do we do that?" Chang asked as we ran out the door, right into a pair of hamster soldiers. They went down with massed stun fire, not before clearly trying to shoot at us. "Their rifles don't work." Chang observed suspiciously. "What is going on, Bishop?" I noticed he didn't use my rank. You'd think getting sprung from prison twice would leave a guy a little grateful.
"How did you get out, sir?" Adams asked. I couldn't use the excuse of the Ruhar nuking the base this time.
"Dodo first, talk later." The Dodo was on a landing pad, with one guard outside and one on the cargo ramp. The hamster on the ramp had its gun cradled in its arms and was punching a button to close the ramp, which wasn't moving. We took them both out, I ordered not to bother tying them up. As we charged up the ramp, we could hear the engines whining up. I wanted to ask Skippy if he was doing that. If not, the whole plan was fucked. This Dodo was configured for cargo, the center was clear, seats were folded into the walls on both sides.
No worries. The two pilots were squeaking away excitedly, working controls that didn't respond. We stunned them both, and I had Adams and Chang drag them down the ramp and clear. "Desai, you're a pilot, take the lefthand seat."
Her eyes were like saucers. "I'm not this kind of pilot!" She protested, waving her hand at the confusing controls.
Skippy, and the Army, didn't know squat about my intelligence level, because I had a totally fucking brilliant thought right then. I dug a hamster zPhone out of my pack. "Hacker, this is Planter, come in please."
Skippy caught on right away. "Hacker here. You in the Dodo yet?"
"Yes, how do we fly this thing?"
"Let me talk to the pilot." I handed the zPhone and earpiece to Desai. Outside the cockpit window I could see three Ruhar soldiers pointing their rifles at the Dodo, shaking the rifles in frustration, and pointing again. It was time to leave, before they got the idea to throw rocks in the engine intakes. I was pretty sure even Skippy couldn't shut down a rock's operating system.
"Uh huh. Yes, I see it. Uh huh, uh huh, yes. Oh, that's good." Desai exclaimed as the displays magically shifted from Ruhar script to English, then Hindi. "Got it. Trying it now." Her hand moved a lever, the engines roared, and the Dodo wobbled. "Strap in!" She shouted. I took the righthand seat and Adams and Chang folded down seats in the back. The ramp closed, Desai looked at me, gritted her teeth, crossed her fingers, and we lifted off. She hit the fence on the way out, scraping the bottom of the ship and snagging tree branches in the landing gear. Skippy apparently told her to cycle the gear again, and we got a green light that the gear doors were closed. "Yes. Now." She pressed a button and lifted her hands from the controls. "Autopilot engaged."
Chang and Adams came forward to hold onto the back of our seats. "Where are we going?" Chang asked.
I looked at Desai, who talked to Skippy. "Hacker says the autopilot is taking us to a UNEF supply base three hundred klicks north of here."
"Who is Hacker?" Chang demanded. "Bishop, we need to know what is going on. Why couldn't those Ruhar use their rifles?"
"That's Colonel Bishop to you, Lieutenant Colonel Chang." I was pissed. Not pissed at him, pissed at being caught in a lie and not having a solid way out of it. "Hacker is a UNEF cyber unit," a lie, "I was contacted with a plan to get us out of there," truth, "it's part of an effort to strike back at the lizards," truth again. Two out of three ain't bad, I was on a roll.
"The Kristang are our allies." Chang said.
"Fuck that. Sir." Desai shot back angrily.
"Chang, if you still believe the Kristang are our allies, we can drop you off somewhere." I needed to know if he was going to be a problem.
"I haven't believed they are our allies since the first month we got here," Chang explained, "that doesn't change the fact that we're military officers, and our chain of command takes orders from the Kristang. Or the fact that they control Earth. And that we don't have a way to get home, or do anything about the Kristang when we get there."
"We're working on it." I said truthfully. "I don't know how much I believe this Hacker," true again, "what I do know is whoever it is, we got
this far," close enough to truth. "The next step is we load up on supplies and some volunteers. After that, we're going to board and capture a Kristang warship."
"You have got to be kidding me, sir." Adams gave me an unbelieving look. "How do we know this Hacker is-"
"Adams, if I told you yesterday morning that we would escape from prison twice, steal Ruhar weapons and fly off in a Dodo, would you have believed me then? Have some faith, it's all we've got out here."
All three of my companions were quietly grumbling as the Dodo flew its programmed course to wherever we were going. We had a scare as a pair of Vultures went by in the opposite direction, waggling their wings slightly in greeting. Skippy must have talked to them on the radio, because they slid right by. That impressed my skeptical friends, even Chang.
"You received orders from this Hacker?" Chang asked suspiciously. "Why would UNEF assign you, or us, to this mission? We were in prison at the time. We're not a special forces unit. This doesn't make any sense."
"They picked us because we were in the right place at the right time, no other reason. Look, Colonel Chang, UNEF is a unified command, but Hacker is US Army, and you're not cleared for access." Chang was a good officer, I didn't like lying to him, to any of them. "When we get to the supply base, you can get off there if you want. This is a volunteer mission."
"This mission is going to hit the Kristang?" Desai asked.
"Hit them hard, and they won't see it coming." If Skippy was telling the truth, all the Kristang would know is the wormhole to Earth suddenly stopped working.
Desai didn't hesitate. "I'm in, sir."
"Me too." Adams agreed angrily, subconsciously touching her right bicep, where I'd seen she had an ugly scar from the Kristang, the brief glimpse I'd had reminded me of an electrical burn.
Chang considered for a moment, then gave me a smile that I couldn't interpret. "When he was told that an officer was brilliant, and brave, Napoleon is supposed to have said 'yes, but is he lucky?' Bishop, I don't know why, but you somehow have a talent for being in the right place at the right time. I'm going to trust you on this. I'm in, also, whatever this mission is."
Columbus Day (Expeditionary Force Book 1) Page 28
