Lost Avalon: A Finding Nolan Novel

by Thomas, K. S.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This is my dream. You, me, the guys. I’ve never wanted anything else. I know you think I chose it by default, because you needed me to, but the truth is, I made you pursue your music, because that was what I needed. I’ve imagined you on stage performing in front of thousands of screaming fans since the first time I heard you play for me over the stupid cup phone a million years ago.”

  I heard him chuckle. “I remember that. Window. It was the first song I ever wrote. That one was about you too, you know?”

  I nodded automatically, remembering. Blaise had installed a set of cups for us just like these just a few weeks after my father had left. One night when I was crying myself to sleep like I’d been doing nearly every night at that point, I’d heard him. The cup had been wedged in the crack of the window to keep the string tight and it’d only been a faint whisper at first, until I’d lifted the cup to my ear. After that, he’d talked me through the night countless times. Truth was, I’d been dependent on him long before he’d ever needed me. His needs had just been so much messier than mine that he’d forgotten. Over the years we’d become each other’s constant. And then one night, shortly before his mother died, he sang that song to me for the first time on a night a lot like this one. “Can you sing it to me now?”

  I heard a shuffle as he prepped the cup to be his makeshift amp and a few minutes later I heard the strum of guitar strings.

  “I watch through the window

  I watch your whole life

  Each day that passes

  And turns into night

  I see when you laugh

  Although not that often

  I see when you cry

  Mourning a lifelong forgotten

  I know when you sleep

  Because then you’re at peace

  The world’s crazy mess

  Disappears for a few hours at least

  I watch through the window

  I watch your whole life

  Each day that passes

  And turns into night

  And I love your curtains

  The ones you try to shut

  No matter how hard you try

  You can’t shut life out

  The sun still shines through

  And I watch as you smile

  All is right with the world

  Even if it only lasts for a while.

  I watch through the window

  I watch your whole life

  All is right with the world

  When I watch as you smile”

  “Thank you.”

  There was a quiet thud as he placed his guitar down on the hardwood floors of his old bedroom. “Anytime.”

  Suddenly it seemed like it’d been an eternity since we’d been just like this. Just us. Two voices in the night, giving each other hope. Sharing our secrets. Taking comfort in knowing we’d never be alone.

  Blaise’s voice was different from how I’d remembered it. Older. Harder in some ways. Softer in others.

  “Ava?” He brought back my wandering mind.

  “Hm?”

  “That night, a few weeks back, when you ended things between us…you were right to do it. But, you have to know, letting you walk out was the biggest mistake of my life. You have always been the best thing to ever happen to me. I just, I don’t want you to think for even a moment that I don’t know that.”

  I bit down hard, clenching my jaws together. I wouldn’t cave. Not now. Not ever. I could accept my mother’s choices. I’d never accept his. Not when there was so much life still for us to live. Vows for us to take. Babies for us to make. And I wanted it. I wanted it all. With him. But he wasn’t ready. Not yet.

  “Does that mean you came clean to the guys?” I already knew the answer. But I needed reminding. Maybe so did Blaise.

  “No. But I’ve been talking to Royce. I told him. Everything. About my mom.” There was a moment of silence. “He’s got me talking to this therapist. Hell, I don’t know if she’s all that qualified, but she seems to be helping. I talk to her every day now. It’s like private AA or something. And Ava, I haven’t had a single drink. Nothing since that night.”

  I felt a sob rise within my chest and I quickly muted the sound by covering my tin with a pillow. It wasn’t exactly painful what I was feeling. It was overwhelming. Some sort of new sensation of fear and disappointment mingling with hope.

  “I think that’s really great, Blaise. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you.”

  “Me too. It’s weird, you know? Like, I tell her stuff. Stuff I’ve always been too embarrassed or too ashamed to talk about and she doesn’t even bat an eyelash. Sometimes, I try to shock her on purpose and I dig up some heinous sex act I participated in, and you know how she responds? She gets all cheerful like that girl we went to school with, what was her name? Sharon – “

  “Sharon Anderson!”

  “Yeah, like her, gets all chatty and wants to talk about it like I just mentioned that I was considering running for school president or some shit. It’s fucking weird.”

  “Maybe you should stop discussing your sick-ass sex life with her then. I mean, unless you enjoy having a good gab about it like two high school girls locked in a stall of the girl’s restroom.”

  He snorted. “Not particularly.” The conversation lulled again and I thought maybe he was getting tired. “Hey. Did you know I’m not the only life you’ve saved?”

  I rolled my eyes. Even if no one could see the gesture, it still felt necessary. “I’ve hardly saved your life or anyone else’s, Blaise. You fucking artists. Always being such drama queens.”

  “I’m serious.” And he sounded it. “Never mind all of the obvious ways you’ve saved me, which you can argue all you want by the way, won’t change a damn thing though, but there’s Royce, too.”

  Royce? “What are you talking about?”

  “That day you asked him to come and play with the band…he was going to kill himself.”

  “No.” It couldn’t be true.

  “Yeah. It’s weird. I can’t even imagine what life would be like without him in it, you know?”

  “Uh-huh.” I could barely think, let alone speak.

  “Anyway. I’m only telling you because I know you think you’re responsible for all the bad shit that happens to the people you love.”

  “It’s not like I knew, Blaise. I can hardly take credit for saving someone’s life just because I asked them to join a band.”

  “Stop. You can’t have it both ways. Either you accept that everyone is responsible for their own choices and you have nothing to do with any of it, ever – which would probably be healthiest – or, you take credit for all of the things that happened after you connected with someone. Which is fine, too. But you can’t have it both ways. Can’t say oh, my mom’s a drunk because I couldn’t make her happy again after my father walked out, but oh, that day one of my best friends decided to play music with us instead of ending his own life all because I insisted he come for a jam session in my garage, well that had nothing to do with me.”

  He was kind of making me sound like a total mental case.

  “Fine. I’ll be healthy. All you assholes are on your own. I had nothing to do with any of it.” I could actually feel a grin sweep over my lips.

  “That a girl.” I could tell from his tone that he was smiling, too.

  “Hey. As long as you’re here. Do you mind if I try to get some sleep? You can leave as soon as I doze off okay?”

  “Go ahead and sleep. I’ll be here until morning.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You already said that.”

  ***

  It wasn’t long before I heard a quiet hum coming through the line and I knew Ava had fallen asleep. She didn’t snore exactly, more like a sort of purr she did whenever she was seriously passed out. It was a good sign she was getting some real rest. Rest she probably hadn’t had in a while.

  I got up from where I’d been
sitting on the floor leaning back against my old bed and went to stand in the open window. The house across the way was completely blacked out. Her mother had probably called it good hours ago. Which begged the question, what was keeping Ava up at night now?

  “Blaise?”

  I looked back toward the sound of the voice. A tall silhouette was standing in my doorway. It was Linus. My older brother.

  “Hey. I didn’t know anyone else was here. Sorry.” My dad had moved to a condo a few months back and as far as I knew, Linus was supposed to be shacked up with some girl he’d been seeing. We weren’t what you might call a close knit family. Secrets, lies and suicides tended to have that effect on people.

  “Just drove up. Wasn’t expecting to find you here though. What gives?” He was still hovering in the doorway. It was weird.

  “Ava’s visiting her mom, thought I’d come by the old house while she’s here. You know, for old time’s sake.” I moved across the room to turn on the light, but Linus stopped me by covering the switch with his hand.

  “No need. I’m going to get some shut eye. I’m assuming you’re taking off?”

  I shrugged. “In a bit. I’ll be quiet. You won’t even hear me.”

  I couldn’t see his face, but I got the distinct feeling it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted.

  Chapter 18

  By the time I woke up the next morning, Blaise was gone and I had slept better than I had in ages. I didn’t even care anymore that Harry was staring me down while I lie there with no bra and half of my ass hanging out of my boy shorts. I mean, I wasn’t surprised. You could tell just by looking at him that he thought I looked good enough to eat. Not that I wasn’t fully aware that the poster had been perfectly staged to look that way. Suddenly I couldn’t help but wonder how many horny girls were gazing up at a life size image of Blaise and being given the exact same impression by the come hither look he had so masterfully perfected.

  I was getting used to having the house to myself and the solitude was even starting to feel sort of comfortable. Maybe that was the thing I’d needed to figure out. Being alone. Hadn’t ever been that way. One of five kids in a three bedroom house hadn’t really made for much privacy. Then I’d moved straight from one clusterfuck into the next, living in a variety of cramped boxes on wheels with four boys. Sure, we’d graduated to some pretty sweet tour buses in recent years, but that still hadn’t resulted in any type of seclusion for any of us.

  With my coffee in hand, I strolled outside to sit in the backyard. The sun was out and I figured there was no point in letting my fabulous Bora Bora tan just fade away if I wasn’t doing anything productive indoors anyway.

  Except, the scenery turned out to be far less serene than it had initially appeared. Something or someone was causing a shit ton of commotion in the yard next door. As far as I knew, the Nolan house wasn’t exactly being used these days, so unless Mr. Nolan had ordered some sort of landscaping job to be done, there really was no rhyme or reason to all the noise.

  Curious, I dragged one of my mother’s lawn chairs up beside the tall privacy fence and climbed on top. When I peeked over the side, I found Linus.

  “Hey.”

  He looked up, startled, and I noticed it had been a while since his last shave. Not just that though, his hair was matted and greasy and he had dark rings around his eyes like he hadn’t been sleeping. “Oh. It’s you. Blaise said you were visiting.”

  “You saw Blaise?” So, Linus had been here last night already.

  “Yeah.” Linus was acting exceptionally anti-social even by his usual standards.

  “So…whatcha doin’ making all that ruckus?” I was eyeing the wheel barrow filled with gravel behind him. Apparently he was lining the fence with it…for no obvious reason.

  “Just re-enforcing the barrier.” He gestured at the area, as if his explanation had made total sense.

  “You mean the fence? Why? Expecting a storm or something?”

  He shook his head, frowning uncomfortably. There was something off about him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  I watched him as he scanned the backyard several times, looking almost nervous. Then I remembered where I’d seen this kind of behavior before.

  “Hey Linus. You okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Fine. You know the mailman will be here soon.” He was getting antsy. Probably because I was keeping him from his gravel.

  “Well, I should probably let you get back to work then.” What with the mailman being on his way and all. I waved and jumped back down from my chair. I had a bad feeling that whatever barrier he was trying to secure wasn’t going to be able to keep out whatever he was scared might get in. And he was definitely scared.

  I abandoned my idea of lounging out in the sun and went inside to make a phone call I really didn’t want to have to make.

  “Hey Gorgeous.” God I’d missed his voice already.

  “You got a minute?” I walked upstairs to my room. From my window I’d have a clear shot down into the Nolan yard.

  “For you, I’ve got all the time in the world.”

  “Seriously.”

  “Okay, seriously, I’m taking a piss and have to run back into the studio as soon as I’m done. What’s up?” I heard him flush. Time was running out fast.

  “Did you talk to Linus last night?”

  The water came on and it was a little hard to hear him while he washed his hands. “For a minute. Why? He still there?” Water went off.

  “Yeah. Look, I’m not trying to jump to any conclusions here, but I think something’s wrong. I found him out in the yard with some gravel. He was talking about securing barriers and acting all paranoid. It’s not good, Blaise.”

  Total stillness.

  “Blaise?”

  “I’m still here.”

  I waited for him to digest the news and went to stand by the window. Careful not to be seen, I peered out from the side. Linus was still down there, frantically shoveling the gravel along the edge of the yard. Every few seconds he stopped to glance around. His lips were moving. Apparently he wasn’t alone.

  “How bad do you think it is?” He sounded broken and I instantly regretted telling him.

  “I don’t know. He’s out there talking to himself right now. Not that that has to mean anything…I mean, I talk to myself all the time.”

  Blaise laughed dryly. “Well, at least I can stop worrying that it’s me then. Guess Linus got the designated crazy gene.”

  “Stop it.”

  “What am I going to do?”

  If only I knew the answer. All of the obvious choices were out of the question. He couldn’t go to his dad. Well, he could, but what would be the point? He’d just deny the issue and pretend it didn’t exist. He couldn’t admit Linus anywhere or get him any help unless he went willingly, which I sort of assumed would be unlikely. And taking any further action would definitely draw the kind of attention the Nolan boys had been taught to avoid their entire lives, so that probably wasn’t going to happen either. “You should talk to him. See for yourself how bad it is. Maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe he’s just slightly more paranoid than the average person.”

  “What if it’s more?” I knew what he was asking.

  “I’ll keep an eye on him. If I think he might do something serious, I’ll use the spare key and go in to check on him myself.”

  There was a click of a door handle announcing his exit from the bathroom and I knew Blaise’s mind had been set at ease again.

  “I promise I’ll figure something out. But in the meantime, thank you.”

  “Of course.” Linus wasn’t exactly family to me, but he was Blaise’s which in turn somehow made him mine after all.

  “I better get back in there. Oh, hey, I meant to ask you last night…are you coming out to Rusty’s tonight? It’s our five year anniversary. It just wouldn’t be the same without you.”

  I’d almost forgotten. Crazy, considering I had set the whole thing up just a few weeks ago. But then
being out here had me feeling completely disconnected from my life and the band and all sense of time, and schedules had abandoned me.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready, Blaise. I mean, last night was amazing, but…”

  “It wasn’t enough. I know that. I’m not asking you to come and be there with me. I’m asking you to come and be there with the band. Besides, Rusty would miss you if you didn’t show.”

  I smiled thinking of the old man. In a lot of ways he’d always been like a surrogate grandfather to me.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “I’ll take it.”

  As soon as we hung up I started thumping my forehead on the wall. Why hadn’t I just told him I was coming? Of course I would go. How could I not? And yet, I couldn’t admit it to him. Truth was, part of me was planning on just sneaking in to see the show. That way I could have my cake and eat it too. See the show, but avoid any uncomfortable run-ins with Blaise or the others. Maybe it would be okay to be that selfish this once.

  ***

  I wasn’t crazy about the idea at first, showing up there without Ava at my side, but the moment we walked into Rusty’s Place, I knew that she’d come. This was our place. Our anniversary. The night we had first changed our destinies. There was no way she wouldn’t be there to celebrate tonight with us again.

  “She going to be here?” Royce showed up beside me.

  “She said she’d think about it.” I just stared straight ahead at the empty stage we’d be playing on in less than an hour.

  Royce nodded. “She’ll be here.”

  I grinned. “Yeah, she will.”

  He gave me a pat on the back, and together we headed forward to check our equipment. Shortly after, Derek and Angel joined us and we were ready to run a sound check.

  Since Rusty’s wasn’t exactly a large venue equipped with a backstage area or dressing rooms, we’d parked the tour bus in the alley out back so we’d have somewhere to hang until it was time for the show.

  Chelsea, one of the cocktail servers, was on the bus now taking a round of pre-party drink orders.