Sugar Daddies

by Jade West

  She took a breath. “…Two parents who’d let you down, two parents you couldn’t believe in, two parents you didn’t want to be around. How good would that have been for a little girl who was already hurting?”

  “But he was my dad,” I said again. “Maybe if I’d have known…”

  “Maybe it would have been different? It wouldn’t have been different, Katie, you hated being there. You hated all of it.”

  “But if I’d known, Mum… I’d have had a choice…”

  She shook her head. “Verity was spiteful, so was her vile mother. You said you didn’t want a dad, didn’t want that dad. You said you were happier just us.”

  “I was ten! I didn’t know what I wanted!”

  “And I made a call. Maybe it wasn’t the right call, but it had already been so long, Katie.” Her voice broke. “I’d brought you up so differently to them. We had nothing much, they had everything. You were gracious and kind and polite. You appreciated everything we had, and they appreciated nothing. You didn’t want his money, you wanted nothing of theirs. I didn’t see anything he could offer that you wanted, that would make it worth the pain and the heartache, not back then.”

  “A dad,” I said, and my voice broke, too. “I wanted a dad.”

  “Not that dad,” she cried. “You didn’t want to be there with them! If I’d have told you the truth it wouldn’t have made any difference, not by then, Katie. It was too late!”

  I had nothing to say, no words would come.

  She let out a sob. “Don’t hate me, Katie. Please don’t hate me. I was just a kid. Younger than you are now.”

  “I couldn’t hate you, Mum! Not ever! I’m just…”

  “I know it’s late in your life to find this out. I know it is…”

  “I just…” I shook my head. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what it would have meant. I don’t know if it would have changed anything… I mean, you’re right, there was Verity… and Olivia… and I didn’t even like the boys…”

  “You weren’t like them… they’re so different to you…”

  “But maybe if I’d known the truth, if I’d have been younger, if I’d have given him more of a chance…”

  “You still wouldn’t have been like them,” she said. “Katie, you’re nothing like them!”

  I fought back a sob. “I know, Mum. And that’s because of you. Because you taught me to be kind, to enjoy the things we had, not miss the things we hadn’t.” I brushed my tears away. “But you could have had more, too! You could have had more time, more money. You didn’t have to work so hard, Mum, you worked so hard. All the time! And it made you sad, I made you sad, and he could have helped you! He could have helped us!”

  Her eyes met mine. “My God, Katie, you never made me sad. What on earth makes you think you made me sad?”

  I had to take a moment. “I used to hear you cry, Mum. Every night, sometimes for weeks. I used to listen to you get upset and know it was about me, because you had to do everything for me. He could have stopped that! He could have helped!”

  She took both of my hands, pulled them to her. “I cried a lot when I was younger, Katie. I cried a lot over many things. Missing your father, even though he left me high and dry to go back home to his wife. Missing the life he promised me, all the things I thought we’d have together. I cried for the people in the care home, sweetheart, the people who had nothing, no family to visit them, no reason to get up in the morning. I cried for the people I watched die alone, the people reaching the end of their lives and having nobody to share it with. I cried with frustration that I couldn’t help those people more, that I couldn’t do more hours to help them, that I couldn’t just walk away at night and forget the things I’d seen. I cried for many reasons, so many reasons I can’t remember them all, but not one of them, not once, not ever did I cry about you.”

  My tummy hurt. It hurt like it hurt when I was a little girl. “I thought…”

  She shook her head. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, from the very moment I knew I was having you, you were the best thing in the world. I’m so proud of you, and I always was. Every minute of every single day.”

  “Don’t…” I said.

  She looked so scared. I’d never seen her look scared before.

  “Don’t hate me, Katie, please don’t. I may have made some bad choices, but I made them with the best intentions. I did my best for you, and sometimes it wasn’t good enough, I know it wasn’t good enough, but I did my best anyway.”

  “It was always good enough!” Her pain hit me in the stomach, and I felt it, I felt it as my own. “You taught me to be strong and have faith in myself. You taught me a person’s value is on the inside, in their heart and soul. You taught me to focus on what’s important and not give a crap for the things that aren’t. You taught me to work hard, and put in the effort if you want the result.” I squeezed her hands. “I’m everything I am because of you, Mum. How could I hate you? You believed in me, no matter what.”

  “But I kept you from a father who could have offered you so much.” She let out a sob. “All the opportunities that could’ve been yours, just like Verity had them. Schools, and holidays, and horses. I hate myself for that. How could I have let you go without? Just because I was scared? Just because it was too much of a risk? Because you seemed so young?”

  “And I didn’t want it, any of it. That isn’t why I’m sad.” I closed my eyes. “I’m sad because I spent my whole childhood thinking he never wanted me. I’m sad because maybe I didn’t give him a chance to get to know me, not because I missed out on some things. Things mean nothing.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not angry, Mum. I can’t be angry.” I sighed. “This isn’t just your fault. He should have told me, too. He didn’t tell me anything, just took me to his house and tried to jam me into a square hole. He could have told me. He should have told me.”

  “We both should have told you.”

  “But it’s gone now. It’s done. You taught me that, too, how to concentrate on what’s important. How not to cry over spilled milk or things we can’t change.”

  “I tried to teach you whatever I could. Not that I had much to teach, kiddo. I wasn’t all that wise myself, you know.” She brushed the hair from her face and she looked so defeated.

  “But you were! You taught me to be who I am. I’m strong, I’m happy, I try my best. Always. Like you taught me.”

  “But I wasn’t honest! I didn’t teach you that.” She was still pale. Still sad. “We shouldn’t have had any secrets, Katie. Secrets always come out, they always rot people from the inside out. Secrets tear families apart, cause rifts that never heal, and that might happen here, and it’s all my own fault. It’s what I deserve. It was always a ticking bomb, waiting to go off one day. I just got complacent. It felt safe after all this time.”

  Secrets.

  Sometimes they’re so much easier to keep that way.

  “What now?” Mum said. “What happens now?”

  I shrugged. “I think. I think some more.” I sighed. “I dunno, Mum. I’ll work it out.”

  “I’m so sorry, Katie. Maybe you can build bridges… maybe it’s not too late.”

  “I’m in shock, Mum, but I still think he’s a wanker. This doesn’t change anything. He still treated you like shit. His kids were still vile to me. He still made me feel like a nobody on his posh, fancy property.”

  “Don’t hate him, sweetheart. He’s not a bad man, not really. He’s never been a bad man, life is just… complicated sometimes. Things don’t go to plan, things don’t turn out as you expect, or as you want… Things aren’t simple. People aren’t simple.”

  I cleared my throat. “Secrets,” I said. “So many secrets.”

  She nodded. “Too many. Far too many. No more, though, I promise. No more. I’m through with secrets. I’m through with hiding, being afraid of the truth. It’s always better to
know, even if it’s difficult. Even if telling the truth makes you scared.”

  I looked out of the window, at the bulk of the Range through the drapes, and my heart suddenly started thumping.

  The words just came out.

  “Talking of secrets,” I said. “It’s time I told you one of my own.”

  I kept an eye on their living room window, even though I could barely make anything out through the blinds. My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry, and I was scared my revelation had done more harm than good. And yet, I couldn’t argue with my gut, with that unyielding part of me that insists on speaking the truth, on telling it like it is, damn the consequences.

  Damn my big fucking mouth.

  I closed my eyes as I called Rick, preparing to face the music. His voice was breezy, blissfully cheerful, until I told him what I’d done.

  A long sigh, and I could picture him shaking his head, pacing, cursing my name under his breath. “Mr fucking Big Mouth strikes again. Jesus, Carl.”

  “She needed to know. It wasn’t fair, not on anyone. Not on her.”

  “I fucking hope she sees it that way.”

  I rested my head back against the seat. “So do I.”

  “What now, hmm? What’s your grand master plan?”

  I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. “I wait, I bring her home, I listen. We listen. She decides how she wants to handle the situation from here on in.”

  “You make it sound so simple.” He sighed. “Let’s just hope you haven’t messed things up for her. She was happy, Carl. I’m not so sure she’s gonna appreciate your good intentions, not in the short term.”

  “She will,” I said, and I was sure. “Katie’s strong, she’s grounded. She’s got her head screwed on tight.” I glanced back at the window, still no movement. “She can handle this, Rick, I know she can.”

  “You haven’t given her much choice.” He groaned. “Just tread gently, will you? No more grand revelations, my nerves can’t fucking take it.”

  “My cards are all already on the table,” I said. “There’s nothing left to reveal. I’m all done.”

  “Thank fuck for that.” I heard him light up a cigarette. “Do you want me to head over?”

  “No need,” I said. “No point us both sitting out here. I caused the mess.”

  “Just bring our pretty lady home when she’s ready. We’ll clean it up together, all three of us.”

  “I will.”

  “Take care of her, yeah? And make sure you take care of you, too.”

  “Alright, Mother.” I took a breath, and made myself say another truth. One that never usually comes so easily. “I love you, Rick.”

  I could hear the surprise in his tone. “I love you, too.” He laughed a little. “Even your big fucking blabbermouth.”

  “Don’t pretend loving my mouth is a hardship for you, Richard.” I smiled. “We’ll see you later.”

  I busied myself with work emails, but my efforts were half-arsed. My motivation was lacking, and my nerves were heightening. An hour turned to two, and two turned to three. The warm evening drew on and still there was no sign of my blue-eyed girl. I just hoped she was alright in there, hoped she was getting the answers so long denied. I’d abandoned both my phone and tablet by the time Katie reappeared, enjoying the last of the sun as twilight closed in. She hovered on the doorstep, exchanging parting words with her mother, and they seemed ok. Smiles. A big hug.

  I sat up in my seat, watched her approach the car with my heart in my throat.

  She slipped into the passenger seat, and her cheeks were puffy and tear stained, even though her eyes were dry.

  “Alright?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Let’s go.”

  Her mother waved as I pulled the car away, and Katie held up a hand in farewell.

  I waited until we were away from her estate before I considered talking, but Katie beat me to it.

  She sighed, long and loud, then slumped further into her seat. “My head is fucked,” she announced. “Fried. Totally fried.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “This is my doing.”

  “No. It’s not.” She reached out a hand and took mine. “You told me the truth, thank you. I mean, it sucks, but thank you. It seems it’s something I’ve been lacking, people who’ll tell it like it is.”

  “Always,” I said. “I’ll always tell you the truth.”

  I could feel her eyes on me, even though mine were on the road. “I was a long time. Thanks for waiting.”

  I smiled. “I’ll always be waiting if you need me, Katie. That’s another thing you can count on.”

  She squeezed my fingers. “I can count on you,” she said. “And I’m grateful. I’m really grateful.”

  “Even though I just triggered the switch that fried your brain?”

  “Especially because you just triggered the switch that fried my brain.” She took a breath. “I don’t know what happens now. I mean, what can possibly happen now? What do I do with this stuff? Where do I take it? But at least I get a shot, right? I get a shot to make my own choices, know things for what they really are.” She laughed a strange little laugh. “Shit, Carl, I don’t even know where to start. The whole thing feels crazy. Everything I’ve ever known feels… unsteady.”

  I shot her a look, and the urge to stop the car and crush her in my arms threatened to possess me.

  “Why don’t you take it from the top? And we can work it out together.”

  She nodded, sighed again. Breathed deeply, steadily, her eyes on the road ahead as we left the Much Arlock bypass and turned towards Cheltenham.

  And then she took it from the top.

  I listened intently while she spoke. Listened to the tale of a young woman who’d been cast aside by the man she’d loved. A young woman who’d been afraid and lonely, fearing the powers that be would deem her an unfit mother because she couldn’t afford the trappings of a more affluent lifestyle. Fearing her baby’s father would take her for his own, and take her away, another dream stolen. One she couldn’t bear to lose.

  A young woman who should have told the truth, but didn’t have the courage. A young woman who’d worked hard to give her daughter everything, but couldn’t face opening the can of worms it would take to give her a father.

  “I don’t think she’d ever have told me,” Katie said. “If he hadn’t found about me, I mean. I don’t think she’d have ever told him, either.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know what I feel. Part of me thinks I should be angry, but I’m not. I mean, I get it, why she was scared, why she lied. I’m sad she did, but I get it.” She paused. “I love my mum so much. She’s everything to me, she’s always been everything to me. She was always there, always seeing the best in me, always trying her hardest. I know she meant the best.”

  “And how do you feel about your father?”

  She shrugged again. “That’s harder. I just don’t know.” She sighed. “I mean, he’s still a dick. He still left my mum, still fired her. He’s still the guy with the spoiled annoying kids who were really fucking mean to me, he’s still the guy who tried to make me something I wasn’t, tried to shape me into part of his family rather than get to know me as myself.”

  “Is there a but in there?”

  She nodded. “But he didn’t abandon me. Not like I thought he did. He didn’t even know I existed. So, how could he have been there? How could he have tried? How can I feel angry for the way he rocked up into my life at ten years old? He came as soon as he could.” She stared out of the window. “I didn’t get to know him, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know him because I didn’t think he wanted to know me. But I was wrong. I just don’t know where this leads, how this changes everything. It’s all so… big… all so… fuzzy…”

  “It’s a lot to get your head around, Katie. Give yourself a break.”

  “What do you think I should do, Carl? What would you do?”

  “That’s a big quest
ion.”

  “I know it is… but I…” She paused. “I trust you.”

  “I’m glad, but that doesn’t mean I have the right answers. You have the right answers for you, Katie.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it.”

  I pulled her hand to my lips, kissed her fingers. “You’re smart, you’re strong. You have a good heart. You’ll make the right choices.”

  “All the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”

  I shook my head. “That isn’t true. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. This shit with your father doesn’t change who you are inside, who you’ve always been inside.”

  “Ok, so most of the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”

  “Maybe, but that matters little now. You made the best decisions for you at the time, with the facts you had available. Now, in the future, you may make different choices, based on new information.”

  “A whole new world…”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  She sighed. “I don’t know much of what I want right now.”

  “So start with the things you do know, work from there.”

  I felt her tug at my sleeve, and it made my breath hitch. “Pull over,” she said. “There’s a truck stop up ahead.”

  I indicated left, rumbled the Range off the road. I put the car in neutral, turned to face her. “What?” I said. “What’s the matter? What is it?”

  Her eyes twinkled in the last rays of the sun, expressive and confused. “I don’t know what I want, Carl. I don’t know if I want to know my dad, or if I’ll be disappointed to find out he’s still the same prick I thought he was. I don’t know if I lost out on being a kid because my mum was scared to let me love someone who didn’t love her, and I don’t know what that means for my future. I don’t know if I clipped my own wings because I learned it was ok to be content not to push myself, not to challenge myself, because I was rebelling. Rebelling against a family I was against from the very beginning. I don’t know if I’d want the same things, know the same things, have done all the same things if I’d have known better, known I wasn’t an unwanted daughter.”