Love & Rum

by Dani McLean

  Audrey was seated at a table tucked away in a corner where the lights were the dimmest, but I would be able to pick her out in the dark. I was walking towards the table before I realized I’d started moving, and she stood when I get close.

  When I didn’t immediately sit, we were left to stand awkwardly in greeting. I didn’t know why she was here. I didn’t know why I was here. Except that Sarah tricked me into this meeting. And I’d absolutely have a word with her about interfering tomorrow.

  Right now, I was torn between relief and disbelief.

  Audrey’s smile was somber, but even her obvious anxiety couldn’t distract from how beautiful she looked. “You can leave if you want. I would understand if you don’t want to see me.”

  I did want to see her. It was all I’d been able to think about, and here she was. But why? “I’ll stay.”

  We sat, and a server came by to take our order before departing, leaving us in suitably awkward silence.

  My instinct was to talk, open the conversation up, but I resisted. She had orchestrated this with Sarah, so she should talk first. The last time I put my cards on the table, we’d broken up, so as hard as it was to sit across from her and not tell her I wanted to give it another shot, I knew I needed to wait and see what she had to say first.

  Besides, what if I read this all wrong? What if this was some sort of breakup post-mortem? But then, Sarah wouldn’t have agreed to that, surely.

  It isn’t until after our drinks arrived that she steeled herself with an exhale and started.

  “You have to know I love you, and I’m sorry. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that. I feel terrible that I let my fears stop me from saying that as soon as I could.”

  She watched me across the table, and I was aware that I hadn’t moved. Hearing the words that I so desperately hoped for sent my heart into overdrive, but I knew it would take more than that to fix things. I took a swig of my beer just to break my stillness, and she took my silence as a sign to continue.

  “You were right that night. It wasn't about the interview. Or the Instagram post, or any of it. I,” she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, “I appear to have some issues letting people help me.” I felt my lips twitch around an aborted smile. She wasn’t wrong.

  “I can't excuse how I acted that night. I should have talked to you, told you how much I was struggling. I was so wrapped up in the past and trying to protect myself that I messed up. I kept thinking that having anything more than casual would mean ending up where I was before, which is ridiculous, I know. That I had to choose between this life that I’d built for myself and you, but that was selfish and stupid, and that’s on me.”

  Hope began to stir within me. Hope that we could salvage this.

  “And I’m so sorry I used your past relationships like that. I was trying to hurt you, and I was wrong. If anything, you’re better off for not having the same baggage as I do.”

  Audrey’s eyes shined in the low light, glassy from unshed tears. “No one makes me feel like you do. No one ever has. I don’t want to lose you.”

  My continued silence hadn’t broken, but not because I didn’t want to speak. Instead, I had found myself awed speechless because this amazing woman was laying her heart out to me.

  “I didn’t think I could feel like this. I thought it was something out of a script you’d probably hate. How could I ever believe in a million years that some incredible guy would come into my life? You seemed too good to be true. So I told myself to just enjoy it while I could. Because I was convinced it wouldn’t last. Couldn’t last.”

  After this, because I already knew I was going to accept Audrey’s apology and make this work, I would find that asshole of an ex and make him apologize for ever letting this woman feel an ounce of heartbreak.

  She reached across the table to place her hand on mine. “I want this. All of it. I love you. And I understand if you can’t forgive me, but I needed to say it and ask if you still felt the same.”

  36

  Audrey

  He was silent for a moment, and I realized that this was what I had put him through after he’d said the words. How cruel that must have felt, and I endured it now as penance for the hurt I’d caused him.

  Tiff had told me to take a leap of faith, but right now, it felt like I was walking up to a cliff and throwing myself off the edge, hoping it worked out.

  Finally, he said, “I love you, too. And I want us to be together, but …”

  My heart stuttered in my chest when he paused, and in the millisecond before he continued, I imagined all the worst endings that could possibly come after. “But I can never forgive you for hurting me” … “But I’ll never be able to look at you again” … “But I’m moving to another country just to get away from you.”

  All of them were increasingly ridiculous, and thankfully, I was put out of my misery before I spiraled any further.

  “But I have some things I need to say first.” He gently squeezed my hand, an added reassurance that this wasn’t going to end badly. “I know you said it wasn’t about the interview, but it was for me. I hated that I made it sound like you weren’t anyone important when you are the most important person to me. I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do if you asked me.”

  “You’re an incredible woman, Audrey, and I want everyone to know how insanely lucky I feel to be with you. I want to be there next to you as you accomplish brilliant things. I want to help you accomplish them. Although, I promise only to help when you want me, too. It turns out I have some issues with fixing other people’s problems for them.” He offered me a small smile, which I returned, knowing that while things weren’t going to be perfect—I’d still want to take care of my own problems, and Jackson would still want to solve them for me—we would have each other.

  “And I never should have thrown your ex in your face like that. I was hurting, but that’s no excuse.”

  My focus narrowed to the caress of his thumb across my knuckles and the quiet emotion in his voice. The light sharpened the shadows of his cheekbones, making him look otherworldly. But beyond how handsome he was, I loved how generous, caring, and thoughtful he was.

  “I want you to know what I was scared of. I have been terrified that I couldn’t be the man you need, the man I want to be for you.”

  My lips pursed in regret, aching to take back the hurtful words I’d carelessly thrown at him when we’d fought.

  “I shouldn’t have let you walk out that night, but I’m almost glad you did because it made me realize I never want to let you go again.”

  Instinctively at his words, I tightened my grip on his hand. I didn’t plan on letting him go anywhere. “I can’t believe I ever made you question how I feel about you. I love you, Jackson. I should have told you as soon as I knew.”

  “I wanted to. At the wedding. I thought it would scare you off.”

  “To be honest, it probably would have. But I would have wanted to say it back.”

  Jackson leaned in, lifted our hands to his lips. “I’m sorry if I ever pushed you too fast.”

  “You didn’t.”

  He challenged me with a look, and my cheeks flushed with a familiar heat. The last aches of tension seeped away, knowing we had gotten over the worst of it. He was here; he wasn’t going anywhere; we could work this out.

  I couldn’t contain my smile. “Ok, maybe a little. But I wanted you to. I needed the push. I know I’m not that great at opening up, but I promise I want to be honest with you. When I’m with you, I feel more like myself than I ever have before. You’ve let me just be me, and I never thought I would find that.”

  Jackson’s focus on me was intense and unwavering. “I still don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

  I swallowed against the rise of emotion, blinking in the low light. “You don’t have to do anything. I just want you.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, paused, then continued. “I’ve spent a long time believing that I needed to be ready, that I
needed to have enough to offer someone else. More than just myself. But I didn’t think about what I wanted in a relationship, and I know now that I don’t want something one-sided. I want a partner.”

  “I want that, too.” More than anything.

  I opened my hand to cup his cheek, and he turned to kiss my palm. “I want to make this work. But I can’t promise you I know what the hell I’m doing.”

  A choked snort escaped me. “I think it’s fairly obvious I’m not an expert either.”

  “So we work it out together.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Our eyes locked, and I felt lighter as I released a heavy breath. God, I was so lucky. I might never stop feeling grateful for this gift. For this man.

  I lost track of how long we spent just taking each other in, but eventually, he smirked. “Sarah obviously helped you set this up.”

  “If it makes you feel any better about it, she promised to track me down if I hurt you again.”

  He laughed, and it was the best sound I’d ever heard. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear it again.

  “So what now?”

  As if on cue, my stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten in hours. I’d been too nervous earlier. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. I’ve been waiting here a while.”

  “Nervous?”

  “I was either going to pass out or puke.”

  Another laugh. “And now?”

  A hunger of another sort flared in me. “Now, I need to kiss you and eat something. And not necessarily in that order.”

  “I see where I stand.” He joked as he leaned across the table towards me, meeting me halfway in a searing kiss.

  All too soon, my senses were overwhelmed with the smell of cheese, garlic, and freshly baked bread, and I tore myself away from Jackson, moaning in pleasure at the food that had been placed on our table. Our gazes met, and my stomach flipped in joy as it finally sunk in that we were ok. He was here. He still loved me and wanted to be together, and I hadn’t lost him.

  “I’m not used to feeling like this. I’m not always going to get it right, but if I mess up or stumble, I’d rather do it by your side than anyone else’s. I couldn’t. I have all this love for you inside of me and nowhere else to put it if you aren’t here.”

  I continued because, now that the flood gates had opened, I didn’t want ever to close them again. I was an idiot for keeping my feelings hidden from him in the first place. “You know what the worst part was? Life kept going on, and the one person I wanted to share it with wasn’t there, and it was my fault. I was scared that I’d wake up from this incredible dream to find out I’d made you up in my mind.”

  He reached across the table to hold my hand, and that simple touch sent shivers across my skin. “I felt the same way.”

  “Really?”

  “Audrey, I’ve never met anyone like you before. I never thought I’d understand what it meant to want to share the rest of my life with someone until I met you. I was just as scared that this was too good to be true, but that’s what made me realize how much I love you.”

  “Do you think it’ll ever stop feeling that way?”

  “I hope not.”

  I watched as he shuffled his chair around the table until he was seated next to me.

  He stared deeply into my eyes, leaning in close. My breath hitched as I let myself fall into those turquoise blues, murky in this light, or perhaps it was the force of the passion I see reflected at me.

  My own eyes closed as he cupped my cheek, and I instinctively leaned into his touch. His lips were feather-light on my other cheek before hovering by my ear. “Tell me again.”

  I opened my eyes and tried to convey every ounce of love I had for him. I placed a kiss against his palm. “I love you.” Then I leaned in to kiss him.

  I planned to say it again and again and continue until he knew it was real and forever. And then I’d continue because I never wanted to stop telling him.

  37

  Audrey

  Wow.

  I … wow.

  How many weeks had I been agonizing over tonight? How many hours had I put into pulling everything together?

  As I looked around at the eclectic mix of high chairs, bar tables, and barrels, I couldn’t be prouder. Winnie had absolutely made a great call in using Jeff’s handy work to solve our last-minute hire issue. After we’d banded together, everything had gone relatively smoothly.

  Guests were everywhere, mingling now that the official tasting had ended, and I was pleased to see most of the sold-out crowd had stayed behind to purchase more drinks and talk with Jeff and Julie about the distillery.

  Tiff and I were celebrating with a pitcher she’d thrown together before relieving herself of her bar duties. I’d told her that I hadn’t intended for her to work tonight when I’d asked her to curate the drinks list, but she’d insisted that she needed to oversee, and I didn’t fight her. Who else would understand the need to make sure your hard work was honored?

  “The decor is better than the bar. Maybe I should think about a revamp,” Tiff said, admiring the brass accents and greenery I’d arranged to decorate the bar tops. Everything harkened on natural, earthy elements; to marry in with the oak touches.

  I’d done rather well if I did say so myself. Not out loud, of course.

  “Agree that you’ve done an amazing job,” Tiff said as she poured me another drink, “or I’m cutting you off.” Damn, she knew me too well.

  I took a sip of my drink, my smirk catching on the rim. “Yes, you’re doing a real good job of that so far.”

  She placed a jug of water down. “There. Responsible service. Now can you please just admit that you did an amazing job tonight? I mean, just look at this place.” She motioned to the room, where at least half of the crowd was still milling about, laughing and talking. Somewhere in there were Jeff and Julia, as happy as I’d ever seen them. I could just about spot Julia’s wild curls from my bar stool.

  I rolled my eyes, but it was likely ruined by my wide smile. “Fine. It went well.”

  She cleared her throat, but I remained reserved. “Ok! It went really well.”

  “You’re impossible, but whatever. I know you’re amazing, and so does everyone else here. Even if you can’t admit it.”

  I blushed under her praise. Tonight really had been amazing; better than I could have hoped for.

  Two strong arms wrapped around me, followed swiftly by Jackson’s silky voice. “There you are.”

  He’d been commandeered by some fans earlier, and Tiff and I had left him to dazzle them, but I was glad to have him back. It had barely been a week since we’d gotten back together, and I was feeling especially greedy.

  “Tiffany, can you do me a favor? I need a photo with the most beautiful woman in the room.”

  “Why wouldn’t you,” she said, taking his phone while he pulled me into his side, kissing my temple as she took a few photos. Too many photos.

  “Ok, enough!” I laughed and squirmed in his grasp, turning to look at him because that’s what I always wanted to do when he was near me.

  His lips brushed my ear. “She’s right, you know. Everyone knows how amazing you are.” I buried my blush into his shoulder.

  When he took his phone back, he immediately set about posting it to his accounts, the fifth one of us tonight. Surely his fans would be over us by now.

  I was ecstatic.

  My heart soared further at the caption he added to the photo:

  Lost my heart in Chicago. If found, please return to Audrey Adams.

  He tasted like rum and bitters when I pulled him in for a kiss.

  David was beaming when he came by to say goodnight, pulling me into a congratulatory hug. “Great job, kiddo! I just spoke with Jeff and Julie, and they are thrilled. They’re excited to get going on the next thing.”

  “Thanks, David. I’m glad you finally helped me get out of everyone’s way. Tonight wouldn’t have worked out if you hadn’t.�
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  His hand on my shoulder was firm, reassuring. “Don’t for a second dismiss your efforts here, Audrey. This is all you.”

  “As nice as that is, I think Winnie and Jet feel that they could have worked for someone less frustrating.”

  He scoffed. “Don’t tell them that. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen them happier. It might have taken you a minute to get there, but in the end, you were leading them the way that I knew you could.”

  I wasn’t wearing waterproof mascara. I couldn’t cry without it running everywhere. How dare he.

  Seeing my apparent distress, he pulled me into another quick hug and then excused himself so that he could get home to Nicky.

  The goodbyes came in quick succession after that.

  Jeff, who looked happy but also like he’d rather be away from all the noise, made sure to shake my hand once more before they slipped out. When Julie hugged me and said, “We knew you could do it,” I’d had to bite my lip to stop it from trembling.

  Why was everyone so set on making me cry tonight?

  The worst culprits had surprisingly ended up being Winnie and Jet, who rounded out our little group as among the last to leave. Jet quietly thanked me for the experience but mentioned he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue after this year ended. I told him to keep in touch once he knew what he did want because I might have some contacts that could help him. He seemed shocked at this offer like I’d just told him he’d won the lottery.

  Winnie, sweet, smart, going places Winnie, had been the one who finally broke my defenses. But how could I not feel overwhelmed when she told me that she’d really looked up to me and she’d requested David assign me as her mentor as long as that was ok with me.

  As long as that was ok … Was she kidding? I’d never been called someone’s mentor before.

  “Of course, that’s ok!” I said, wiping my damp lashes with my index finger and grimacing when it came back black. “And I promise to let you do more from now on.”

  “As long as I can keep learning from you, I’m happy,” she replied. “David was right when he said we’d be learning from the best.”