Those Lazy Sundays: A Novel of the Undead

by Thomas North

"He's a fucking Boy Scout!" Andrews interrupted. "Things are out of control here, Mike. I'm practically barricaded in the fucking church right now. Where the hell is your deputy, huh?"

  "Barricaded in the church? Harry, what the hell are you talking about about? Rita said there was some kind of food poisoning or something. If you're sick, you need to get to the hospital."

  "Sick my ass. This is some kind of insurrection, is what this is. The peasants are finally breaking out the pitchforks and torches, and my fucking mercenary is out sipping cocktails at Club Med!"

  "Uhhhh... okay Harry," Miked replied. He wasn't even going to bother responding to the 'mercenary' comment. He'd been around Harry Andrews to know that once he started ranting ˗ and this was about as screwy of a rant as he'd heard ˗ no amount of reasoning would matter. Harry was the type of person who just did. He didn't think, didn't contemplate, didn't question consequences or morality or right or wrong. He just did, and anyone who got in his way was bulldozed out of the way.

  "Harry I'll get there as soon as I can," Mike said, trying to assure him, but knowing it wouldn't do any good. "Hey I think I'm losing reception, I˗" Mike disconnected the call before the mayor could jump in with another comment.

  His phone rang again a few seconds later ˗ it was Harry's number again ˗ but this time Mike did let it go to voicemail. He'd deal with Harry Andrews when he got into town. First he needed to get there, and it sounded like quickly. It was possible that Andrews was overreacting, but Mike felt uneasy.

  The way the mayor had talked, the tone of his voice, what he said. The mayor was an asshole, but he wasn't a nut, and more importantly, he wasn't a guy who scared easily. As unlikely as Mike founded it that anything big would happen in Allentown, it sounded like whatever was happening was at least big enough to put a fright into Andrews.

  He glanced at the speedometer, and pressed harder on the gas pedal. Then he flipped on his radio and scanned through the stations until he found one that was on a news update. He didn't find it helpful. The disc jockey mentioned the early end of the cookout and the possible food poisoning, but that was it. Whatever Harry Andrews was seeing, it hadn't gotten to the news yet.

  He left the radio on just in case. Before he got into town, he would pull into a restaurant or rest stop somewhere and change into his police uniform. Jeff had laughed at him when he'd brought it with him on his one day off, and he had thought about just leaving it at home as both Jeff and Rita suggested. They'd both wondered how he could truly feel like he was getting a day off when he was driving a police car, and carrying his uniform in the trunk. He'd responded that once he got on the lake and started fishing, his car and what was inside it wouldn't matter. As long as he didn't get any calls, it would feel like a real day off.

  So much for that.

  “IT IS BEAUTIFUL out here.” Kate brushed a lock of light brown shoulder-length hair from her face, adjusted her glasses on her nose, and gazed out the window. The scenery had been the same for miles along the winding two-lane road: old farmhouses and dilapidated barns that looked like they’d been abandoned for a century, one gas-pump towns that ended before you could say “East Bumfuck,” rolling hills, isolated country homes, and trees. Lots and lots of trees. Some of them had already started to turn the brilliant oranges and yellows that would blaze across the Vermont, countryside in a couple of weeks.

  “I suppose it’s nice to do this once in a while, while we have time. And it’s only three hours longer than the regular route,” Kyle said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

  Kyle’s girlfriend, Mary, elbowed him in the ribs playfully.

  “It is pretty. It’s like looking at a postcard or something.”

  “Yeah, the back of one,” Kyle remarked. Mary glared through his goofy grin, his mouth stretched wide beneath his large, Romanesque nose. Kyle leaned in and pecked her on the cheek before she could move out of the way. She pretended to wipe it off, rubbing her fingers on the skinny thigh of her jeans for good measure. Mary was thin – really thin – and had long brown hair that reached below her waist.

  “Okay kids, enough of the couple’s quarrel in the back seat. If you want some alone time, we can pull over. Plenty of room in the woods!” A beefy hand grabbed something from below the radio and whipped it into the middle seat of the dark green mini-van. It hit Kyle in the face and fell to the floor by his feet.

  He picked up the small, black square and held it up. Thankfully, it was unopened.

  “Andy, I'm not sure I want to ask but, why is there a condom in the front seat of your van?” Kyle asked.

  Andy, who had been at the wheel for the entire trip, grinned. His grin faded when he looked to his right and saw Sarah's glare, but widened again.

  “And magnum? Really?”

  Andy glanced at Sarah gain, her big blue eyes still frozen in an icy glare.

  “I—“ Andy began.

  “Not unless he’s cheating on me with another guy,” Sarah cut in. The rest of the group broke out in laughter.

  “Ouch,” Kyle said.

  “Okay, it was a gag by the guys on the hockey team. They covered the van in condoms.”

  “Do I want to know why?” Sarah asked.

  Andy thought about it for a moment, and hesitated. “No, probably not. But don’t worry, it’s nothing like that.” He took Sarah’s hand, leaned to the side, and kissed it gently.

  “God, you guys are obnoxious,” Sarah said.

  “I think this was a little less awkward when we were just talking about the scenery,” Mary said.

  “Well, at least Jack sure seems to be enjoying it.” Kate pointed to the guy next to her, his shaved head resting on the headrest as he slept soundly. His mouth was open and a thin glaze of drool coated his chin.

  “How long’s he been out?” Kyle asked.

  “A half hour or so.”

  “I don’t blame him,” Sarah said. “I’ve been trying not to pass out myself.”

  "So we took the scenic route so you could all sleep through it?" Andy asked.

  Sarah ignored the comment and leaned against the door, resting her head on the window momentarily, her long blond hair pressed against the glass. She tried to stretch her legs but ran out of room, pushing herself up off the seat to stretch her muscles a little bit more. She was taller than everyone else in the car except for Andy, which was typical for her. She had always been the tallest girl in her class growing up – and taller than most of the boys, too.

  Sarah yawned, a contagion that spread through the car.

  Kyle leaned forward, his chin resting on the shoulder of the driver’s seat.

  “Andy, you need me to take over driving for a while?”

  “Nah, I’m fine man,” Andy replied, glancing into the rearview mirror and shifting slightly in his seat. “Think I’ll pull over at the next store to stretch out a bit, maybe grab a drink. We'll be in Allentown in a few minutes.”

  “That sounds good,” said Sarah. “I’m getting a little hungry. It's probably a good time for a rest stop. That's where you planned on stopping anyway."

  The five of them continued chatting as Andy looked around for a place to stop. After a few more minutes of driving, they came upon an old two-story barn that had “General Store” painted in chipped, old-fashioned, red letters across a wooden sign that hung over a glass door. A single, ancient gas pump with a rolling meter was mounted on a concrete slab in front of the store. Andy glanced at the van’s gas gauge, relieved to note that it was still over three-quarters full. He wasn’t sure if gas pumps that old even worked with modern cars.

  He pulled into the wide parking lot and parked the van a space over from a maroon four-door sedan, the only other car in the lot.

  "Looks like this place is open," Andy said. "Might as well stop here."

  “Should we wake him up?” Kate asked, pointing at Jack, who was still out cold.

  Andy shrugged.

  “Just leave him. If he wakes up, he’ll figure it out.”

  They exited the van and t
ook a few moments in the parking lot to stretch their limbs. Mary slid the door shut carefully to avoid waking their friend, a gesture Andy negated by slamming his own door. Jack stirred, but didn’t open his eyes.

  Andy stepped up to the entrance of the store, glanced at the spiderweb of cracks in the middle of the door’s bottom pane of glass, and pulled it open. A set of bells on the top of the doorframe jingled in greeting. He stepped aside and held the door for his friends.

  The inside of the store had clearly been renovated to not look like a barn. Though the floor was wooden and uneven, probably the original, the roof was low and paneled like a modern office building. The counter was by the front door, and three wide aisles spanned the length of the building, with a beer and drink cooler on the wall to the right, and cooler storing cold cuts and other perishables on the opposite wall.

  Kyle stopped just inside the door and looked around. It was completely quiet, not even the sound of a radio or television breaking the silence. There was nobody behind the counter, and no other customers that he could see.

  “Guess they’re not too worried about shop-lifters around here,” Andy mumbled, and made a bee-line for the drink cooler. Sarah, Mary and Kate followed behind him, browsing the limited inventory of boxed snacks, potato chips and pastries. Kyle took a few more steps into the store and peered over the counter.

  There was nothing there.

  He shrugged and walked across the store to join Mary, who was perusing a metal rack filled with potato chips, and put his arms around her waist. She grabbed a tube of regular Pringles from the shelf and spun it around to read the back. Kyle glanced over his shoulder at the counter again.

  “Lot of calories in that,” Mary said, replacing the Pringles on the rack.

  “What’s that?”

  “Nothing,” she said. “Think I’ll get some Wheat Thins. That okay with you?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Kyle replied, his mind elsewhere. He walked behind Mary, who stopped and grabbed a box of the crackers from the shelf. They returned to the front of the store, where Andy, Sarah and Kate were already standing by the counter with their items.

  “Where do you suppose the other customer is?” Kyle asked, almost rhetorically.

  “What other customer,” Andy replied, placing a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi next to the lottery machine. “I don’t think they get many customers here.”

  “There’s a car outside…” Kyle said, motioning toward the entrance.

  “Could belong to the clerk.”

  “Yeah,” Kyle said, and then added, “Seems like a pretty nice car for a minimum wage earner.”

  Andy glanced at him quizzically. “Okay then. The car belongs to a rich guy who is banging the store clerk on the side. They’re upstairs fucking right now.”

  Kyle laughed uneasily. Sarah poked her boyfriend in the ribs playfully, the small bag of Doritos she was carrying crinkling as he gave her a playful swat back.

  Andy leaned forward, looking for a bell.

  Not finding one, he bellowed loudly, “Excuse me! We’d like some service please!”

  They waited. And no one came.

  “If you don’t mind taking a five minute break, we’ll buy our stuff and you can keep doing… whatever it is you’re doing!” he yelled, raising his voice even more.

  “Weird,” Kate said.

  “Let’s just leave the money on the counter. I’m sure they’ll be fine with that,” Andy suggested, looking at the rest of them.

  Mary looked around the store hesitantly. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind getting the money, but…” she trailed off.

  Andy looked at his friends, who all looked uncertain about the situation. It wasn’t just the money. Something didn’t feel right, and they all knew it.

  Andy, however, found this not unsettling, but curious. He walked to the other side of the counter by himself, inspecting the area where the clerk would normally stand. Finding nothing there, he looked across the store, scanning the aisles and the walls. Spotting something, he walked back in the other direction. There was a small alcove next to the cold cuts cooler, with two doors side by side. One was marked “Restroom,” or more precisely, “estroo,” the R and M stickers having long since peeled off. To the right of that was a plain door with no markings. Andy grasped the knob of the unmarked door and turned. The door opened easily, revealing a narrow wooden staircase that ended at another door.

  Cautiously, he ascended the stairs. As he reached for the doorknob, Sarah called out behind him.

  “Andy, what’re you doing?”

  He pushed the door open.

  “Andy? What the hell?”

  He looked over his shoulder. Sarah stood at the bottom of the stairs, her hands on her hips.

  “You can’t just go in there.”

  “I just want to see if anyone is here,” he said.

  She ran up the stairs and tugged on his arm, then gave him a scornful eye roll and head shake.

  “There’s no one fucking up here Andy,” she said with a deliberate slowness. “Let’s just go.”

  “Hang on,” he said, and passed through the doorway. Sarah groaned angrily behind him.

  The floor of the upstairs was wooden, just like the bottom floor, but the ceiling was the high, vaulted barn roof, a mixture of graying wooden planks and newer, bright tan replacements. Various boxes and other items were stacked around the room.

  “What genius put the storeroom on the second floor,” he grumbled, looking around.

  A partition that reached only halfway to the ceiling divided the upper level into two rooms, though another closed door prevented him from seeing what was on the other side.

  “Excuse me!” Andy yelled out again, taking a step forward, the old wood creaking loudly beneath his feet.

  “Andy, nobody is here,” Sarah insisted. “Come on!”

  He took a last glance across the room, wanting to see what was on the other side of the partition. He looked back at Sarah, who glared at him and motioned angrily towards the stairs. He was smart enough to know when to let things go, and he could tell her patience had already run out.

  “You’re right honey,” he said, flashing a smile that only intensified her glare. “Let’s just drop a few bills on the counter and get the hell out of here.”

  They descended the stairs and went back to the counter, where their friends were still waiting.

  “Nobody having sex on the second floor?” Kyle asked.

  “If there are, they’ve gotta be the stealth bombers of screwing,” Andy replied.

  “So what’re we doing?” Kate asked. “Are we just going to leave some money… or find some place else… or just leave?”

  “Let’s leave the money, and go,” Andy replied.

  “Sounds good to me,” Kyle said, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. “This place is kind of creeping me out. Feels like a Friday the 13th movie or something.”

  After pooling their money and trying to get as close to exact change as possible (they still left a “tip” of a buck seventy-five), they left their cash on the counter and exited the store, the jangling of the bells the only goodbye they received.

  Kate opened the sliding door of the van and placed her purchases on the seat. She started climbing in, but abruptly stopped. She turned around and looked at Andy, who was opening the front door.

  “Where’s Jack?” she asked. She gestured toward the empty seat in the back where their friend had been sleeping.

  “Oh for Christ’s sake,” Andy said, and turned around, looking toward the store.

  “What is it?” Kyle asked worriedly, glancing from Kate to Andy and back again.

  “Jack went for a walk or something,” Andy replied. “Hey Jack!” he yelled. “Get your ass back here!”

  They paused and waited for a reply. As Andy drew a deep breath to yell again, they heard Jack’s voice from around the side of the store.

  “Check out this guy!”

  Andy sighed and glanced skeptically at the other four,
then began walking towards the direction of Jack’s voice. Kyle chased after him, the three girls shaking their heads at each other before following. They rounded the corner to the far side of the store, where Jack was standing. A lip of concrete continued around the side of the building, ending at a steep ten-foot embankment leading into an expansive meadow consisting of knee-high grass and some wilting flowers that had probably been spectacular in the summer.

  Jack pointed into the field. His friends turned towards the field, and saw what it was that had grabbed his attention: at least a dozen figures were coming through the meadow towards them. They all walked strangely, some with a limp, some slightly hunched over, and others just slightly off-balance.

  The six friends stared at the shambling figures without a word.

  Kate broke the silence.

  “What’re they doing?”

  “I’m not sure,” Jack replied. “I’ve been watching them for a good five minutes. They’re just walking like that. Not really doing anything. Doesn't seem like they've noticed me either.”

  “They look pretty fucked up,” said Andy. “Probably people from some hippy commune who smoked a little too much…” he brought his fingers to his mouth and mimicked smoking a joint.

  Everyone else ignored him and continued to stare, mesmerized, at the bizarre scene. Two of the figures were getting closer, the details of their facial features and clothing becoming discernible. One of them was a man in what appeared to be a gray business suit. The other was a woman in jeans and a pink blouse or sweater.

  “Let’s get going,” Mary said, alarmed. She turned towards the car.

  “Hang on,” Jack said, “I'm actually kind of intrigued by this.”

  “Hello!” Andy yelled, waving his arms wildly.

  “Andy, knock it off,” said Sarah. “Mary’s right. Let’s go. We need to get back on the road anyway. I’d love to get home sometime before midnight.”

  “Excuse me, sir? Hello?” Andy yelled again, ignoring his girlfriend’s plea.

  “Jesus Christ, Andy!” Sarah said sternly.

  “Seriously guys, we need to get out of here. Whoever they are, they seem pretty out of it.” Kyle said, agreeing with the Sarah and Mary. Not waiting for his friends, he started towards the van, Sarah, Mary, and Kate following behind, leaving Jack and Andy still standing next to the store, staring.