Abandoned but Not Alone

by Theresa L. Henry

  Jason hadn’t realized how tense he was, awaiting Aviva’s response. “I promise I'll look after you Angel, you'll never have a day where you’ll regret your decision – now how about filling in those gaps for me.”

  His words immediately turned her thoughts to her mother and the parallels they shared in relation to the speed of meeting and beginning a relationship with a man. “My mother, Ruth met my father when she was a naive nineteen year old. Her parents came to England, like so many other Caribbean people in the hope of making a better life for their families. My grandfather was a bespoke tailor and pastor and my grandmother was a homemaker. Grandfather was offered a church of his own before he arrived in England so he and his wife had a place of their own, unlike so many others when they arrived in England.

  His only child, my mother was a little princess, but she was watched constantly and expected to act in a way that befitted my grandparents’ position within the community, and she did all that was asked of her until she met my father.

  My father was in the US forces stationed in England when he met my mother. I’m not sure how they met, all I know is that they fell for each other very quickly, well at least my mother did. It turned out my father was already married with a wife and child on the way at home. His pregnant wife hadn't accompanied him because she was at home caring for her ailing father, so he saw no reason to not have some fun, after all he was young, and single while his wife couldn't see him.” Aviva's modulated voice had changed when her father's pregnant wife was mentioned.

  Jason was beginning to get an idea of where this story was going, which would explain her hesitance towards their budding relationship.

  “Go on Angel, what happened next?”

  Pulling herself away from her bitter thoughts of her father, Aviva refocused and continued, eyes fixed on the ceiling, locked in memories. “As I said before, my mother was very naïve and protected. My father was older and experienced and she fell for him, hard. She had to sneak out to meet him; she got pregnant. When she told my father he wanted nothing to do with her or me. The most he was prepared to do was offer financial support, in exchange, my mother was never to contact him again, she agreed.

  In the sixth month of her pregnancy, my grandfather found out. My mother and her mother had already decided it was time to tell him, but some of the older women in the church had suspicions and rumors soon started to circulate. They took their suspicions to the elders of the congregation and my mother overheard a meeting between the elders and her father; they wanted him to attend a members meeting the next week, to discuss how he, their spiritual leader could harbor a fornicator, an unmarried mother in his home, a home that they, his flock, was paying their tithes and offerings to maintain.

  My grandfather denounced them for their outrageous lie, demanding they leave his home. When they were gone my grandfather called my mother and grandmother into his study for the truth of the matter. My mother recalled – ‘that was the day that I broke her father’s heart’ – that she, his only child, had been the one to break the only person she had ever known who had an indomitable spirit, one who had come so far, he had left his homeland, his parents, all he had ever known and he had succeeded beyond his wildest dreams; only to have the very person he loved most in the world bring him to the brink of despair.

  That meeting was the last time my mother ever spoke to her father; he left the room with tears in his eyes. The days that followed, leading up to the members meeting were filled with my grandfather’s silent disappointment, directed towards my mother and his wife for keeping Ruth’s secret. Three days later, when her parents were asleep, my mother left her parents’ home. That was the last time she ever saw her father alive.”

  Aviva could sense Jason didn’t really understand the full extent of what she was saying, in actuality she didn’t completely understand; having not grown up under the same restraints as her sheltered mother. But she tried to explain the depth of feelings that could cause a loving father to withdraw so completely from his only child whom he had nurtured for nineteen years, whom he had pinned all his hopes and dreams on.

  From her mother’s diaries, Aviva pulled together a story of intense shame and a loss of status. Her mother’s pregnancy had taken away what her grandparents had worked a lifetime to establish. There was always someone waiting in the background to pounce, denounce any wrongdoing. Her mother’s pregnancy was exactly the type of mistake some members of the congregation had been waiting for. This was their opportunity to bring the family down and to revel in their downfall.

  “My mother stayed with one of her friends who hid her in her room for over a week; until she was discovered by her friend’s mother. Luckily for her, the woman was somewhat compassionate to her plight and helped my mother to get established in South West London. To cut a long story short; I had a good life with my mother, she was sometimes distant but I always knew I was loved. We spent a lot of time in church though; I guess it was her way of offering atonement for allowing herself to have been taken in by a man who already had a wife.

  My mother would never tell me who my father was, even though I asked her many, many times – she always refused. I only found out who he was after her death. When we realized she was dying, she told me where I could find all the necessary paperwork, you know to deal with her funeral and to take care of the house. I was sixteen when she first got ill; less than a year later she was gone. Miss Cindy, the only real friend my mother ever had helped me through the ordeal, I don’t know how I would have coped without her.

  I found the papers exactly where my mother had said they would be. I also found her old diaries tucked away with those papers and one faded photograph of her and a man who I later came to realize was my father. Through my mother’s diaries and Miss Cindy filling in the gaps; I traveled to America and located my father…” Aviva’s voice faded away at the mention of coming to America and the long overdue meeting with her estranged father.

  This was more than his innocent inquiry had expected, sensing the emotions running through her Jason thought she had probably had enough for the night. It had been another emotionally charged day and they both needed to get some rest for what was to come with the rising of the sun. Not only had she staunchly stood beside him throughout this tumultuously day; she had never once let on that she too had mighty burdens to bear. “It’s late; I think we could both do with some sleep. I really want to hear what happened when you finally met your father but I think we should leave it for another time – another day.”

  Grateful Jason understood her reluctance to delve into the disastrous first meeting with her father, Aviva readily agreed to leave the subject for another time. With luck Jason would forget to ask and she wouldn’t again have to relive the sordid indignity of the event. But she still had something on her mind.

  “How comes they're still here?”

  “Who...what are you talking about?”

  “The Kingdom’s, how comes they're still here?”

  “It was late, they needed a place to stay – I met their need – end of story.”

  He was defensive, he didn't want to talk about it, she got it, no more prodding for answers. Silence followed. The feel of Jason's body heat, surrounding her, permeating her, lolled Aviva to sleep.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Everyone was again gathered in the lounge, feelings of anticipation and dread charged the air as though waiting for something terrible to take place. Once again Josh sat with his father on one couch, Jason and Aviva occupied the loveseat and Jake sat alone, slightly apart from them all.

  Jason looked around the room at the people awaiting the telling of his life story; wondering how each would react, there was only one way to find out. Looking around the room Jason laughed, the sound grated along Aviva’s skin, it sounded so hollow.

  “Well, if you’re all sitting comfortably, I’ll begin”, Jason said, using a mocking tone.

  “I grew up in a childrens home, my earliest memory is of being sick and people in white
coats pulling, prodding and sticking me with an endless array of needles. I guess I was around three or so, I don’t really know, all I remember is putting up a real good fight, it didn’t stop them though. To a little kid, those people in white coats were my tormentors. It didn’t matter how kind or gentle they were, I associated them with pain. After a while I just shut down. I hardly spoke to anyone. Not because I couldn't, I just decided there was no point, they never listened anyway. They made my life a misery of pain and I wanted to frustrate them as much as they were hurting me. I was later told that I only spoke to the staff if and when I wanted to over a period of two years. I guess it was my coping mechanism, they were all bigger than me and I couldn’t make them stop hurting me so I just stopped trying. They wanted answers and I had the means of denying them what they wanted.”

  “What was the matter with you – what was your ailment?” Jackson asked breaking into, Jason’s narrative.

  “I had something called Wiskott-Aldrich Syndrome, it’s an immune deficiency disorder that leaves the body vulnerable to infection due to a lack of blood clotting platelets. I would get nose bleeds that wouldn’t stop, bruising that wouldn’t heal – stuff like that, hence the repeated tests in order to diagnose the problem. Once the diagnoses were confirmed – that’s when the real pain started. Look, this stuff is too much to go into and that’s not why you guys are here, suffice it to say, I was ill for a long time and because I was so young I was fortunate enough to undergo an incomplete bone marrow transplantation. Incomplete because I was young enough not to need an exact match. Luckily for me, or not, depending on how you look at things, the procedure worked and, here I am.”

  Aviva knew there was much more to the story than Jason had just relayed about his childhood illness, she also knew that this was not the time for further probing for information. It appeared they were all in accord as nobody asked the questions they really wanted answers to.

  “When I came out of hospital I was put up for adoption, but it never happened for me. I was completely out of control; I didn’t like adults touching me, in fact I didn’t like anyone touching me. If they did touch me I would flip out and attack them, I was small but I soon realized how to inflict the most pain on anyone who came too close to me. That behavior went on for a couple of years. I didn’t go to kindergarten – well that’s not quite true, I attended a couple of times but I would lash out at the other kids so the teachers thought I would be better off in an institution that could cope with my ‘problem’ as they termed it. I only lasted there for two months – I knew I'd had enough when the physiologists kept asking me dumb ass questions as though I were stupid and couldn’t understand what they were talking about. I must have shocked the hell out of them when I told him I wouldn’t be coming back the next day as their stupid questions were inane and counterproductive.”

  Jason laughed out loud at the recollection of shock that had registered on the faces of the pompous physiologists.

  “I told them that I had decided to go to a proper school and allow people to touch me, if it meant they would leave me alone. I knew I could speak if I wanted to, I just didn’t want to, so I didn't. The touching was the most difficult part for me and, I guess being at the institution was crucial in figuring out how to deal with that aspect of what was going on with me. Only it wasn’t in the way they all thought. There were lots of books around the place and I had heard the term 'Haphephobia' used by the doctors repeatedly in relation to my not liking to be touched. So I swiped one of their reference books and looked it up. I read about the symptoms and once I had a name and could understand why I didn’t like to be touched I started to rationalize the situation and figured I would give this touching business a go. There were a few people I liked so I started off with them…”

  Josh and Jake looked over at their father then they all turned their attention back to Jason. Aviva was in shock at Jason's disclosure and couldn’t hold in her exclamation. “Jason, if my time line is correct, you were about five years old when this was taking place.” At Jason’s nod she continued with astonishment. “You were five years old and you could read and understand psychology text books?”

  Jason gave her a sheepish look from under his brow realizing he had some explaining to do. Shrugging his shoulder, he scratched his head and turned his gaze to the floor. “Well...um.. um, I sort of have a high IQ.”

  “How high?” Aviva asked wide-eyed with curiosity.

  “Um – well it depends what test you take…”

  “How high, Jason? Three voices rang out making Aviva jump in the otherwise quiet room.

  Pulling on his ear, Jason mumbled, “About one-sixty.”

  “Oh-my-God, you’re a bloody genius!” Aviva shouted in astonishment.

  “Does it make a difference?”

  “Well…no but shouldn’t your head be bigger or something; you know, to hold your super-sized brain.” Aviva laughed at her quip, Jason rolled his eyes, vexed that yet again his intelligence was being viewed as something abnormal or something to make a joke about.

  Joshua laughed at the expression on Jason’s face. Then it occurred to Aviva, if Jason had that kind of smarts, didn’t it stand to reason that the rest of his family may have the same trait. Turning to the men seated opposite her, she looked them up and down with curiosity. “What about you guys’, what are your IQ’s?” Aviva was greeted by silence, three men looking down, none prepared to comment. Oh yeah, she was definitely on to something. If Jason had to divulge his uncomfortable secrets, she was going to make damn sure they did the same.

  “Yeah, come on laughing boy, what’s your IQ?” Jason mocked Josh, raising an eyebrow in question to indicate he was waiting for an answer.

  Realizing he had no way out; Josh rolled his shoulders and mumbled “One fifty-five.”

  “And you, staring boy, what about you?” Jason said tilting his chin in Jakes direction.

  “Does it matter?” Jake responded using the same words Jason had tossed at Aviva when he had revealed the level of his own IQ.

  “What, are you the dumb ass or something?” Jason mocked, wanting to shake Jake’s unnatural calm.

  “Fuck you, you arrogant shit.” Jake responded in a calm voice that grated on Jason’s self-control.

  “Not if I fuck you up first – staring boy.”

  “You think you can take me?” Exploding to his feet Jake extended his hands to his sides, palms facing towards Jason motioning him forward. “If you’re so big and bad, come get some.”

  In the blink of an eye Jason was on his feet, his right hand shooting out towards Jake to grab him by the collar. Just as quickly Josh was between them. From the way the considerable muscles in his arms were bulging Aviva could see he was exerting enormous amounts of strength in his attempt to keep his brothers apart, and he was losing the battle. To Aviva their sudden movement had been a blur, never had she seen people move so quickly.

  “Stop this – now!” Jackson shouted from his seat, never doubting his command would be followed. Jake was the first to lower his fisted hand, Josh released him and turned to Jason, still holding him back. Glaring at Jake his eyes black with suppressed rage, Jason drew in a deep breath, lowered his hand and took a step back.

  “Now sit down – both of you.” Both men rolled their shoulders in an identical manner and backed up keeping a close look on the other.

  “I don’t like repeating myself; don’t let me have to do it again!”

  “Or what, old man – what ya gonna do, sic laughing boy and the staring one on me?” Jason drawled mockingly, giving Jackson a disrespectful look.

  “I told you before, do-not-speak-to-my-father-like-that!” Jake roared advancing towards Jason again.

  Holding up his hand Jackson stopped Jake’s advance. Looking at Jason, Jackson spoke in a calm voice, “Son, nothing between us will ever need to be settled with fists, which goes for you too Jake.”

  “Don’t call me that!” Jason spat through gritted teeth, sweat breaking out over his whole body. H
e felt as he had the night of their first meeting. Why the hell didn’t these people leave him alone, they were driving him mad with their relentless intrusion into his life, a life he had worked hard to get on track.

  “Son-of-a-bitch…” Jason swore under his breath wanting to punch something or someone.

  Snickering, Josh quipped, “Yes we are.”

  “What the hell are you talking about now?”

  “Oh excuse me; I thought it was because our mother is a bitch that we are all gathered here at this point in time, virtual strangers, on the point of attacking each other at the most innocuous question or comment. Forgive me, I stand corrected, it must be because we knew all about you Jason, and we deliberately kept you out of our lives – yes that must be it.” Coming to an end, Josh looked at his brothers with tears in his now black eyes. He didn’t mind if they ribbed him, they could do it all day long and he wouldn’t care, but he couldn’t bear to see them hurting so much, not knowing how to take the steps to unite them as a family. He knew it was still early days but he could see how much they were all hurting, his father included. Josh walked over to the window and looked out at the garden, blinking rapidly to halt the tears of sadness that clouded his eyes.

  Jason and Jake looked at Josh’s broad back as he stood so alone looking out the window, neither of them missing the tears that had gathered in his eyes, knowing it was their behavior as much as the situation that had put them there.

  “Jackson, Jake, Josh, I apologize for my behavior…I apologize...I know this situation is none of your making…I just need time...I just need time...to work this all out in my mind, for myself.”

  “We understand, son. This is difficult for all of us, especially for you, we understand, we don’t expect you to embrace us as your family immediately, but all we ask is that you don’t push us away so vehemently.”