If Wishes Were Horses

by Robert Barclay

  “And what is that?” Wyatt asked.

  “That Krista loved you. And that no matter where she might be, or whether she watches over you, she would want you to be happy. Denying your future because you worry that Krista is watching you isn’t an answer, Wyatt. It’s an excuse.”

  Silence reigned again as Wyatt considered Jacobson’s words.

  “Now may I ask you a question?” Jacobson said.

  Wyatt nodded.

  “Did you and Krista ever discuss this subject?”

  “No. We thought that there’d be lots of time for such things.”

  “Young couples always do,” Jacobson answered. “During the early years, the future seems limitless. Had she given you her blessing to move on in the event of her death, your heart would be free to love again. Instead you’re here with me, asking questions that have no answers.”

  “But it went unsaid between us,” Wyatt replied. “And so I’m left to wonder.”

  “If you wonder about it for too long, you’ll wonder your life away.” Sighing, Jacobson placed his palms flat on the desk. “May I be blunt?”

  Wyatt thought for a moment. “All right.”

  “You have to choose, Wyatt. Either choose the past or choose the future, but choose. You’re living somewhere in between, and it’s killing you. You’ve allowed your heart to become imprisoned by a ghostly memory. And if I may say so, you’re acting much like you did right after Krista and Danny died.”

  “That’s not fair,” Wyatt said.

  “I can’t bestow fairness on your life. Only God can do that. All I can offer you is what I believe to be the truth.”

  Wyatt rubbed his face with his hands. “It’s not that simple, James.”

  Jacobson narrowed his eyes. “Go on…”

  “I believe that I’m just as responsible for Danny’s and Krista’s deaths as Jason Powers.”

  “Why do you feel that way?” Jacobson asked.

  “If my birthday party had never happened, they’d still be alive,” Wyatt said. “The day’s entire sequence of events would have been different, and they would never have taken that car ride. But there’s more to it than that—something that I’ve never told anyone.”

  “Go on, my son.”

  “Danny and Krista went out to buy ice cream that day because I asked them to,” Wyatt answered, his voice a barely audible whisper.

  And there it is, Jacobson realized. After five years, he finally reveals why he still grieves so badly.

  “But that’s no proof that they’d still be among us. Or you either, for that matter.”

  “It’s proof enough for me,” Wyatt answered.

  “Have you always felt this way?”

  Wyatt nodded. “From the very moment Morgan told me they were dead.”

  “I don’t mean to be harsh, Wyatt, but stop blaming yourself!” Jacobson said. “You didn’t ask for that party! And above all, you didn’t cause Jason Powers to crash into your wife and son! How can you feel this way? If nothing else, the lawyer in you should know better!”

  “My head understands those things,” Wyatt answered. “But my heart can’t accept them.”

  “Like I said, if it’s forgiveness you seek, you’ve come to the wrong place,” Jacobson replied. “As your minister I can absolve you of sin, but I can’t bestow forgiveness on you for something you didn’t do. You must forgive yourself, rather than ask for it from others. But why tell me this now?”

  Jacobson believed that Wyatt knew the answer, but Wyatt remained silent. As the seconds ticked by, the reverend decided that if Wyatt wouldn’t say it, he would.

  “That reason,” Jacobson said softly, “is Gabrielle Powers.”

  Wyatt still didn’t answer, but the look on his face spoke volumes.

  “It’s no coincidence that you tell me these things only after Gabby entered your life,” Jacobson said. “I think that you’ve fallen in love with her, even though you won’t admit it. And you fear that loving Gabby is wrong because it would somehow betray Krista. You believe that you need permission to be happy, and that you might find it in this office. But it’s not here, Wyatt. It never has been, and it never will be. You must search out forgiveness rather than permission. And the only place you’ll ever find the forgiveness that you need is in your own heart.”

  Wyatt stood and looked Jacobson in the eyes. “Thank you, James. I guess that I never really expected you to solve this for me. But I’m glad I finally told someone my secret, just the same. I may never find happiness again. Perhaps that will always be my lot in life, I don’t know. But as badly as I want it, I still can’t forgive myself for what happened.”

  Jacobson nodded. “You’re a good man, Wyatt.”

  Wyatt shook Jacobson’s hand then walked to the door. Before leaving, he turned and looked back. “I’m denying my own future, aren’t I?”

  “Yes,” Jacobson answered. “And the future of the woman you’re keeping yourself from.”

  “And because of my own stupidity, I may have just lost her, too,” Wyatt said softly. “Good-bye, James.”

  “Good-bye, my son. And go with God.” Jacobson sat in silence as Wyatt left the room and crossed the outer office.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  JESUS, CELIA!” GABBY said. “Every time I think about him, I get so mad I can’t see straight! Why the hell did he make me do that?”

  Two days had passed since Gabby’s riding accident. Tomorrow would be Monday, and another week of New Beginnings would start. Gabby and Celia were eating an early supper at Legal Seafood in the Boca Towne Mall. They both liked the place, and if they wanted they could shop afterward. Before answering, Celia appreciatively slurped down another raw oyster.

  “I know you’re mad, Gabbs,” she said. “And I can only imagine how much it scared you. But what happened wasn’t Wyatt’s fault. My guess is that he thought he was helping in some way.”

  Gabby scowled. True to her word, she had stubbornly marched the entire way back to the ranch. Still unaccustomed to her cowboy boots, by the time she arrived her feet were blistered and killing her. But she’d be damned if she’d admit that to Wyatt.

  Her wrist hadn’t been broken but it was badly sprained. The Blaine family doctor that Wyatt had rushed her off to see placed it in a soft cast, and said that she was to avoid using it for the next ten days. After Wyatt graciously paid the bill, he drove Gabby and Trevor home. Gabby’s good-bye to him had been extremely brittle and equally terse.

  Because Gabby’s Honda was a stick shift, driving was nearly impossible—not to mention all the other things she shouldn’t do. She felt helpless, and she hated it. Blessedly, Celia had offered to drive her and Trevor to and from school.

  Gabby defiantly held up her cast. “It wasn’t his fault, huh?” she asked. “Tell that to my swollen right hand! How’m I supposed to use the blackboard, for Chrissake?”

  Gabby was truly angry with Wyatt, and she thought she had every right to be. He had apologized profusely, but it hadn’t gentled her mood. Despite the confidences she had already shared with Celia, she wasn’t even sure whether she wanted to see him again.

  For the first time since leaving Jason, she felt truly betrayed. This new and unexpected wound had gone deep, and her fantasy had been shattered. Despite her anger, she had to admit that she’d always enjoyed visiting the ranch. Being there had grounded her and helped to make her feel that she was a part of something again, however temporary it might prove to be.

  But Wyatt’s actions had unexpectedly cut her emotions loose from all that. So much so that she could almost feel her heart floating away and becoming as errant and homeless as it had been before all of this had started. It was an uncomfortable and lonely feeling, to be sure. Even so, she didn’t know whether she wanted her original feelings to ever return. Because of her anger, she was screening her calls and had so far avoided talking to him.

  Gabby was having clam chowder, although eating it with her left hand was proving more difficult than she had imagined. As she fumbled
with a package of crackers, she might as well have been trying to raid Fort Knox.

  Celia laughed. “Give it here, you cripple,” she said. She opened the crackers then unceremoniously dumped them into Gabby’s chowder.

  “So are you ever going to forgive him?” Celia asked.

  Gabby shrugged her shoulders.

  Celia smiled. “If you ask me, I think it’s kind of romantic.”

  “Romantic?” Gabby asked. “Are you nuts?”

  “Well, let’s review,” Celia answered. “A handsome cowboy kills the deadly snake, and then rescues the fair maiden who escapes the ordeal with little more than some bruised emotions. And then comes the really good part! Instead of riding home, you insist on walking and giving yourself blisters, to boot! You’re right—that’s showing him a thing or two!”

  After smiling for a moment, Ceclia nodded. “Hell yeah, it’s romantic! If you were in my shoes, you’d agree. And by the way, if you ever talk to Wyatt again, you can tell him that I’ll go riding with him anytime!”

  “None of it’s funny, damnit.”

  “Actually, it kind of is,” Celia answered. Pausing for a moment, she got the waitress’s attention and ordered her third iced coffee. “Want to know what else I find funny?” she asked. “In return for squiring you and Trevor back and forth to school, you’re buying dinner.”

  Gabby sighed again and clumsily ate some more chowder. Sometimes the urge to forgive Wyatt tried to sneak into her heart. After all, he hadn’t known about the snake. But he hadn’t respected her fear of horses, and that was what hurt most.

  She had told Wyatt that she didn’t want to go, but he hadn’t listened. To her chagrin she had gone against her better instincts, just to spend time with him. She needed to be more levelheaded, she realized. She was all that Trevor had now, and she couldn’t afford to behave recklessly. Worse, giving in to Wyatt had made her angry not only with him but also with herself. And given how upset she was, returning to the ranch was unthinkable. Gabby angrily finished her chardonnay then promptly ordered another.

  “Drowning your sorrows?” Celia asked.

  “I’d rather drown in wine than be bitten by a rattler,” Gabby answered. Her fresh drink arrived, and she took a sip. “I need another favor from you, girlfriend,” she said. “And it’s a big one.”

  “Let me guess,” Celia answered. “You also want me to drive Trevor back and forth to the ranch for you. And given how mad you are at Wyatt, I’d bet that you won’t be joining us. You’re right—it is asking a lot. But I’ll do it.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Just like that.”

  “It’s that snoopy nature of yours, isn’t it?” Gabby asked.

  “Mostly I want to help you and Trevor,” Celia answered. Then she let go with another of her crafty smiles. “But I must admit that I wouldn’t mind seeing the place.”

  Gabby suddenly felt an unexpected pang of jealously because Celia would now be visiting the ranch in her place, and she found the revelation confusing. But her mind was made up, so she shoved her feelings aside.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “You’re welcome,” Celia answered. “But you’re taking a big risk, Gabbs.”

  “How?”

  “The longer you stay away, the harder it will be to go back if you want,” Celia said. “I think your pride hurts more than your wrist, and you’re letting it get the best of you. And there’s something else to consider. Even if Wyatt cares for you, his feelings might change while you’re gone. The old saying isn’t always true, you know.”

  Gabby put down her glass. “Which one?” she asked.

  “That absence makes the heart grow fonder,” Celia answered.

  Gabby sat back in her chair and sighed.

  Maybe you’re right, Celia, she thought. But I’m no longer sure that I really care…

  TWENTY-SIX

  THE NEXT MORNING broke bright and clear, revealing another lovely day in paradise. At least the weather is cheerful, Gabby thought as she did her best to guide her Honda through the streets of Boca Raton.

  Changing gears hurt her injured hand and she knew that she shouldn’t be driving, but she had resolved to do this thing. She was unsure whether today’s short pilgrimage would provide any answers. But even if it didn’t, there would be no harm in trying. She needed to go someplace where she could think undisturbed, and only one spot would do.

  Because it was Monday and she should have been at school, she had had to divulge her scheme to Celia. After Celia and Trevor left the town house, Gabby had called Roy Marshall and fibbed that she had forgotten about a follow-up doctor’s appointment for her hand. True, it had been the palest of white lies. But given how Roy had helped her during her time of need, even such a tiny falsehood had produced a guilty pang.

  After parking her car she stood for a time and stared at the gold-colored cross rising from the roof of St. Andrew’s, unaware that Wyatt had done the same thing after she and Reverend Jacobson first met with him. Then she sighed and headed for the church.

  Gabby was familiar with the St. Andrew’s weekday schedule. There was always a prayer service at nine A.M. and Holy Eucharist at noon. In between the two services, the church remained open so that people could meditate in the pews, and pray at the candle votive stand. Because it was after ten, the first service was over.

  Gabby entered the sanctuary to find that she was alone. Walking up the center aisle, she made her way to the left side of the far wall and kneeled before the votive candle stand situated there.

  After bowing her head she made the sign of the cross, then selected a long-stemmed match from a wooden holder sitting on the stand. Several of the candles were already alight, their combined glow casting ephemeral shadows against the back wall. After striking the match she lit a candle, and then placed the extinguished match in the waste receptacle. She closed her eyes again, clasped her hands before her, and bowed her head in prayer.

  Before coming here she knew who she was going to pray for. It wasn’t to be for her, or for Wyatt, or even for Trevor. As she implored God in the name of her late husband, memories both harsh and happy came flooding back.

  She had loved Jason despite his many faults. Yes, he had been domineering and ultimately abusive. Even so, she hoped that his soul had found its just measure of peace. He had been Trevor’s father, and nothing could ever change that. But she and Trevor had new lives now, lives that no longer included him. And it was those new lives that she must nurture and protect.

  After putting a modest sum into the votive offering box, Gabby walked to her usual pew and sat down. The view from there was more familiar and comforting. In truth, she had come here for two reasons, and praying for Jason had been only the first of them. The second was to try to sort through her mixed feelings for Wyatt Blaine.

  She looked back to where Wyatt always sat. She could easily imagine him rising from his pew, just as Reverend Jacobson began to conduct the blessings. Wyatt would then hand some cash to one of the ushers before heading off toward brunch, his tie already undone and the top down on his Jaguar convertible. As these sentimental memories tugged at her, Gabby’s eyes started glistening. Turning forward to again face the altar, she tried to compose herself and look into her heart.

  The only two men I have ever loved have both hurt me deeply, she thought. Is it because I love too ardently? Do I give too much? Is that why I always become so vulnerable?

  If Wyatt can’t respect my feelings now, what would he ultimately be like if our hearts were truly joined? Can I risk that? The same problem occurred with Jason, little things at first, but they eventually grew into problems of great importance, driving us apart.

  Suddenly another concern seized her, causing her to wonder why she hadn’t considered it sooner.

  My God…does Wyatt see me and Trevor as replacements for Krista and Danny? she wondered. Reverend Jacobson said that Krista had been a marvelous horsewoman. Was that why Wyatt pushed me so hard to go riding with him? Is he try
ing to fashion me in her image? And if he truly fell in love with me, how could I ever know that it was for the right reasons?

  I can’t afford to blindly deny all these fears. And because that’s the case, then neither can I afford to become more deeply involved. I couldn’t bear having my love for him die the same slow death as it did with Jason. I just can’t endure that again.

  And so you must end your love for him before doing so becomes impossible, her heart of hearts told her. You must let him go and never look back.

  As the stark realization took hold, she started trembling.

  But there is more to consider. Trevor still needs the program. And so I must rely on Celia to take him to and from the ranch, because I can never go there again. Seeing Wyatt and knowing that we can never be together would be too painful, no matter the circumstances. It will be a huge burden for Celia, but New Beginnings won’t last much longer. And when all of this is over, I will find some way to repay her many kindnesses.

  Her mind finally made up, Gabby lowered the upholstered bench for her pew with trembling hands. She again went to her knees then placed her hands together on top of the pew before her. As she prayed for strength, she hoped with all her heart that she had made the right decision, no matter how painful.

  She finally put the kneeler back into place and started walking out of the church. Partway out, she stopped and took a farewell look around the sanctuary that she so loved. Like the ranch, she would never return here. Loving Wyatt Blaine had cost her much, it seemed.

  And so she would have to find another church. And perhaps, with luck, another man to love. But she doubted that any man would ever affect her as deeply as Wyatt. Before leaving, she couldn’t help but look one last time at where he always sat, her heart deeply mourning what might have been.

  As she drove out of the St. Andrew’s parking lot, she finally exploded into tears.

  TWENTY-SEVEN