by Anders Grey
“I don’t know how it happened, but when we got older, we both kind of realized we were gay at the same time,” Rowan went on. “So, naturally, we started fooling around. We never dated or anything until we got older, though. We went to the same college as roommates, and I guess a relationship just… happened.”
I tried not to wince. Even though I knew this wasn’t a story with a happy ending, I felt jealous all the same. Again, stupid. Now I knew how Rowan felt when I told him about my past hookups. I held Rowan a little tighter.
He took a moment to gather himself before continuing. “You know when you don’t really realize something until after the fact?”
“Yeah.”
Rowan fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “That’s what happened with Kyle. Growing up, I was always shy while he was outgoing. I liked playing inside by myself; he liked playing sports. I liked reading; he liked roughhousing. That sort of thing.”
I tensed, my stomach churning with cold anticipation.
“He’d always make fun of me, call me names and shit. The usual guy trash talk, like how your supposed friends insult you and mean it as a joke. I thought it was normal. But I’d been giving him the benefit of the doubt for so long that I didn’t notice how badly it was wearing me down.”
It was getting harder to keep my mouth shut when all I wanted to do was rip into Kyle, but I managed somehow.
“Things got worse when we moved in together after college,” Rowan said. “He was always kinda mean, but it got worse. He wasn’t funny-mean anymore. There was no humor behind the jabs. Just flat out insults. And it didn’t help that he was bigger and heavier than me.”
The mental image of Kyle using his size to intimidate Rowan made my blood boil.
“Did you two argue?” I asked, thinking of my own experience.
“No. Because I didn’t speak up for myself. Kyle was always right. Always.” Rowan stared into nothing. “Why should I bother standing up for myself? It was always my fault in the end.”
My fist clenched. I wasn’t a violent person, but the more Rowan told me about this guy, the more I wanted to go back in time and punch his teeth in.
“But it seemed like the more I backed off and submitted to him, the more it pissed him off,” Rowan said. His voice sounded hollow. “I didn’t know what to do. Things got worse every day. He started raising his voice, yelling across the house at first, then screaming in my face.”
“That’s abuse,” I said.
There was a mirthless half-smile on Rowan’s lips. “Yeah. I know that now. But back then, I thought it was normal. And when you think something’s normal, you accept it as the truth.”
My heart ached desperately. Rowan’s words were knives to my chest. I wished I could take the pain away from him.
“My anxiety got worse,” Rowan admitted. “I’d always been an anxious kid growing up, but since I walked on eggshells every day with Kyle, it multiplied. And the more anxious I got, the angrier Kyle became. It was like living in a pressure cooker. I couldn’t even hear his voice or hear his footsteps without getting the jitters anymore. I was a prisoner in my own home.”
I didn’t know what to do, so I held Rowan closer. With his head to my chest, we were as close as we could get without melding into one form.
“You couldn’t tell anyone?” I asked.
Rowan’s voice was small. “No. Kyle was a family friend’s son, remember? I felt like I’d be betraying everyone if I said something. I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s perfect image of us as the perfect gay couple who’d been together since childhood. I know that sounds stupid, but…”
“It’s not stupid,” I said. “You were afraid of the backlash.”
Rowan nodded. “I didn’t want to cause trouble. I just thought, if we could get over the rough patches, everything would be fine. But everything was a rough patch. The whole road was fucked up.”
He inhaled shakily. “I was too much of a coward to do anything about it. I was more scared of leaving than staying. Maybe that’s why I let it go on for so long.” He let out a weak laugh. “Maybe I should thank Kyle, because he was the catalyst. Not me.”
I braced myself. I didn’t think I even wanted to hear anymore, but I owed it to Rowan to listen. To be here for him as he laid his soul bare.
“One day, Kyle flipped. I don’t know what happened, maybe something happened at work or he just had a shitty day. But he came home and took it out on me since he already knew I was an easy target. He screamed, got pissed. Started throwing things.”
I sucked in a breath and my blood ran cold. I forced myself to remember that Rowan was safe now, warm and protected in my arms. This story was all in the past. But that didn’t make it any easier to hear, and it definitely wasn’t easy for Rowan to recount. I stroked his back, held his hand, and listened. He deserved that much from me.
“I didn’t know what to do. I was always shit at calming him down, since my mere presence seemed to piss him off more. But that day, I’d never seen him so angry. It scared me. I tried asking him what was wrong. What I could do to help. Anything.”
By now, Rowan’s voice took on a tremble. Reliving the memory was painful. I was torn between sympathy and the urge to protect Rowan and wanting to hunt down Kyle and punch him in the face.
“You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to,” I said.
Rowan didn’t seem to hear me. He was stiff, his words cold. “Kyle threw a glass at the wall. It shattered, obviously. One of the shards flew and hit me in the face.”
He lifted the strands of thick dark hair across his forehead. Since he always wore his hair a bit long, I hadn’t seen it before—the nick of a scar across his right eyebrow. I sucked in a small breath. When he knew I’d seen it, Rowan let his hair back down.
“Back at the restaurant, with the shattered glass,” I said. “When it happened, you seemed a little off. Was it because you were thinking about Kyle?”
Rowan nodded. “It was stupid, since the situations were totally different. But yeah. It spooked me a little.” He lifted his hand to show me his palm. Thankfully, the wound had healed to the point of being nearly invisible.
“Anyway,” Rowan said, dragging us back to the uncomfortable but unfinished memory. “You know how cuts on your face always bleed a lot? When I pulled the shard out, the blood got in my eye. I freaked out. It wasn’t as bad as it looked, but I didn’t know that at the time. I panicked.” Rowan’s mouth was a grim line. “Kyle was nervous, too. Not because he hurt me, but I think because he thought I’d call the cops and he’d get in shit.”
I growled. “Asshole.”
“That night, I was terrified. I finally ran away. I went to my friend Cain’s house and crashed with him for the night. We took care of the cut, and I realized it was only a small nick, but I guess the damage was already done. I was an emotional wreck.” Rowan shut his eyes. “Kyle broke me.”
“You are not broken,” I said firmly. “You’re strong, Rowan.”
His blue eyes opened slowly. “I wasn’t back then. I let him abuse me for years without even realizing it. And if you saw me crying like a bitch on Cain’s shoulder that night, you wouldn’t think I was strong.”
“I see a man who went through hell and came out alive,” I said. “You’re here now, and that’s what matters. Sure, you have scars. But they’re proof you survived. You didn’t let him change who you are. You’re kind, Rowan. You’re passionate and sweet and funny and caring. And I can’t imagine my life without you.”
Rowan’s eyes widened as he met my gaze. If my words had been too intimate, I didn’t care. He needed to know.
“Thanks,” he murmured. “And, um… Me neither. With you, I mean.”
My heart swelled with affection. I embraced him, burying my face in his neck and inhaling the scent of him like it was a drug. He did the same, and I felt the soft scrape of his stubble against my skin. We held each other, neither one of us wanting to let go. The silence around us no longer felt awkward. In that moment,
it seemed like we were the only two people in the world.
And it was also the moment that I realized I was falling in love with Rowan.
23
Rowan
The next morning was a blur. Alec and I had passed out at some point while still wearing our clothes. I was emotionally hungover, but at the same time, I also felt a new sense of clarity. Revealing my past to Alec had hurt, but it was necessary, like I’d finally released a rehabilitated animal back into the wild.
Though it seemed like a massive chore, we got dressed and headed down for breakfast. It was a little later in the morning, but apparently most of my family was hungover, too—though theirs was because of alcohol and not their feelings—because the hall was mostly empty.
“I wonder how many bars they hit up after we left,” Alec mused. He was rubbing his temples.
I sipped my coffee. I was glad I’d gone easy on the booze. “Let’s just say they probably gave a big boost to local businesses.”
I noticed Mom coming towards us and suddenly remembered my excuse to her last night.
“Quick, act hungover,” I mumbled to Alec.
He let out a soft groan. “Just so you know, I’m only half acting.”
“Good morning boys,” Mom said. She had bags under her eyes, like she’d slept badly.
“You look like crap, Mom,” I said. “Too much to drink?”
She sighed. “Yeah, but not as much as your Aunt Rose. It’s no wonder where Tiffany gets it from.”
I didn’t notice Noodles was in her arms until he poked his head up and wagged his tail. Alec immediately perked up at the sight of him.
“How’re you feeling, Alec? Rowan said you weren’t feeling well last night,” Mom said.
Alec grinned and gave her a so-so hand gesture. “Been better but also been worse. I’ll be all right, though. Thanks for asking.”
Mom smiled. “Good. That makes me feel less guilty for what I’m about to ask. Would you boys be able to watch Noodles for the day? I want to stay with Rose until she’s feeling better.”
“She’s sick?” I asked.
“Hungover. She’s stubborn as an ass, so I want to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t push herself. I wouldn’t want her to get sick and miss her daughter’s wedding.”
Alec lit up. “Of course!”
He reached for Noodles as Mom handed him over. The little chihuahua made himself right at home in Alec’s lap. Of course, it probably helped that Alec immediately started feeding him bits of toast under the table.
“Today’s a free day with dinner in the evening, right?” I said. “It’s like Tiff planned for everyone to be knocked-out from the pub crawl.”
“She has good foresight,” Mom said with a laugh. “Anyway, thanks boys. I’ll see you later.”
Alec looked like a kid on Christmas. He beamed as he fed Noodles a bit of scrambled egg.
“Easy on the treats,” I said. “He only weighs five pounds.”
Alec pouted like I’d just told him he was grounded. “Aw, come on. I never get to play with cute puppies.”
I couldn’t help but smirk at how cute he was. “Fine. But I’m telling Mom it’s your fault if you return him looking like a sausage.”
We decided to walk Noodles around the hotel courtyard, since the fresh air would do all of us good. The air was pleasantly cool as the early autumn breeze swirled around us. With all the leaves changing colors, it was a beautiful backdrop for a wedding.
That is, if there’s actually going to be a wedding.
I frowned at the thought. I hadn’t seen Tiffany since last night, but I knew Alec had talked to her about the Mark situation. I wondered if she took anything he said to heart. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask him about it with everything else going on.
“How did Tiff take the news?” I asked Alec.
“Well, I think it went better than when you talked to her,” he admitted. “She was less defensive and more… melancholy?”
I grimaced. “The wedding’s coming up fast. Do you think she’s gonna go through with it?”
“I have no idea,” Alec admitted. “At this point, I’m not sure if she has enough doubt to change her mind. Some people need a real wake-up call to see what’s in front of them.” He shot me a tight-lipped look. “And honestly, Rowan, we don’t know. Maybe he has changed. He might not be the man I knew anymore.”
I frowned. Maybe Alec was willing to give Mark the benefit of the doubt, but something felt wrong about all this. After my run-in with Mark at the bar, I was too jaded to think he’d undergone any real change.
He obviously had no problem cornering me and practically threatening me like that. What if he does the same thing to Tiffany?
The idea made my stomach lurch. We needed to get to the bottom of this now before they got married and turned this into a legal clusterfuck, too.
Alec suddenly stopped, and I ran into him. He pulled me off to the side so we were behind a map of the courtyard.
“What are you—”
Alec quickly put his hand over my mouth, which annoyed me a little, but I also found it strangely hot. I raised a brow and pushed his hand away, but before I could ask him what he was doing, I realized why he’d stopped.
Mark was ahead of us in the courtyard, walking quickly with his hands in his pockets. He shuffled down the cobblestone path with the posture of a man who was determined to get somewhere fast. He was apparently so focused that he hadn’t noticed us.
Alec and I exchanged a glance.
“Follow him?” I suggested.
“Follow him.”
Maybe we were being petty and overly suspicious, but at this point I didn’t care if it meant preventing any potential harm coming to my cousin.
“Why isn’t he with Tiffany?” I mumbled as we trailed behind him a healthy distance away.
Alec frowned. “I don’t know. For a guy whose about to get married, he spends a lot of time away from his fiancée.” I remembered what Mom mentioned earlier and scowled. “Especially if she had as much to drink as Aunt Rose. He should be with her, not wandering off doing whatever the hell he’s doing.”
“Maybe he’s going to buy painkillers or something from the drug store?” Alec offered half-heartedly, sounding like even he didn’t believe it.
“The drug store that’s in the complete opposite direction?”
He sighed in defeat. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go.”
We kept following Mark, keeping our distance and letting Noodles sniff every other few bushes. At least if he saw us, we had a good excuse.
As Mark reached a building on the other side of the courtyard, he rounded the corner. Suspense built in my chest. Alec and I hurried closer so we didn’t lose him. My heartbeat picked up and my nerves began to fray.
Mark stopped.
Alec’s arm shot across my chest, holding me back. “Wait,” he whispered.
He ducked back against the building and I did the same. But in our distracted state, we forgot about Noodles. Happy to see someone he recognized, he strained at the end of his leash, trying to sniff at Mark’s ankles. I bit my lip.
Noodles, you little asshole!
I heard Mark grunt in surprise, then he backed up, right into our line of vision. He stared at us for a second in disbelief before anger twisted his face.
“What the hell are you two doing?” he demanded.
Noodles shrank back at his tone.
“Walking my mom’s dog,” I said plainly.
Mark glared daggers at me, obviously not believing my lie.
Well, it was worth a shot, I thought.
Knowing we were already caught, Alec decided to get straight to the point. “If you were all bar hopping all night, isn’t Tiffany hungover? Doesn’t she need her fiancé right now?”
Mark snapped his gaze to Alec, looking even more pissed at him. “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business? You know you and I aren’t a couple anymore, right?”
Alec barked out a laugh. “Oh, t
rust me, I’m well aware.”
“Good. Then stop being a stalker.”
“We’re not stalking anyone,” I snapped. “We’re allowed to walk around in public.”
Mark scowled, curling his lip to reveal his teeth. “You must think I’m stupid. I know you’re following me.”
I narrowed my eyes then picked up Noodles as a precaution. I didn’t know what Mark was capable of when he was mad. He’d been willing to kill that harmless snake, so I didn’t want him to kick Noodles or something.
“We just want to know you’re a good fit for Tiffany,” Alec said evenly. His voice was calm and didn’t betray any of his sour feelings towards Mark, which was a feat I wouldn’t be able to accomplish. “After all, isn’t this trip all about her?”
“Are you accusing me of being a bad fiancé?” Mark growled.
“I’m saying you seem to be gone a lot of the time, which is odd.”
Mark’s eye twitched. Did that hit too close to home? He turned his glare on me. He seemed a lot angrier than he did at the bar, which made me thankful Alec was here. If I’d run into this version of Mark last night, I would’ve felt even more threatened.
“You think I’m cheating on Tiffany,” Mark said flatly.
“Are you?” Alec challenged.
“No.”
He said it quickly, but I didn’t know Mark well enough to know if he was lying or not. I glanced at Alec from the corner of my eye. Did he believe Mark?
“Okay,” Alec said at last. “That’s all we wanted to know.”
I raised a brow. Was Alec really going to let him go with that single denial? Mark seemed to be thinking the same thing. He was still ruffled, glaring at both of us warily.
Mark’s eyes suddenly flickered off to the side, behind the corner of the building. It only lasted a fraction of a second and I would’ve missed it if I blinked. My suspicion flared. What was behind the building?
I took a wide step closer, hoping to be subtle, but I failed. Mark body blocked me. I stumbled back, holding Noodles tighter.
There was something—or someone—there that he didn’t want me to see.
