by Jami Wagner
“He wasn’t in the right spot in his life to be a father.”
“Oh, that’s horrible.” I cover her hand with my own. “But you managed, right? You’re doing okay?”
“Oh, I’m better than okay. My son is just over four years old and is going through a frustrating yet adorable independent phase.”
“That’s awesome. Has his father tried to be a part of his life?”
“He came back into our lives about two years ago.” But her voice changes and she looks away. “That’s actually something I want to talk to you about.”
“Okay …” Things must not be going as smoothly as I hoped for her. Perhaps we were brought back into each other’s lives at the right moment.
“I’m trying to put my relationship with his father back together. You understand more than anyone I know how important family is and how we would do anything to give our children the home life we never had.”
“Of course.”
“And I want to give my son that chance. To have the family I never got.”
“But his father doesn’t feel the same?” I ask the question, but I can already tell from the sad tone of her voice what the answer is. “Did he at least tell you why?”
She nods. “He’s fallen for someone else and she seems to hold more of his attention than me or our son.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. Why a man would choose another woman over his family is something I will never, ever understand. Makes me sick.
“I wish I knew how to help you,” I say, leaning back and feeling the sadness radiating off her body.
“Actually, there is.”
I glance at her, my brow rising in interest.
“You can stop seeing Conner.”
I blink, not moving any other muscle. I stare with the blankest expression I think my face can make. Everything comes flooding into my mind at once. She wants me to stop seeing Conner. Conner missed out on the first two years of his son’s life. Conner is the guy she wants to be with. He’s her family. Her son’s—their son’s—family.
“What, ah … what is, ah …”
“Jake is my son, yes.”
One sentence. That’s all it takes for my heart to feel as though it’s being sliced and gripped and shattered all at once. One sentence is all it takes for me to feel as though I can’t breathe.
“I … I …” I can’t even form words.
“I’m sorry I just sprang this on you. But I figure if you knew I was trying to put our family back together, you would have stopped anything from starting with Conner. One day he was considering it and the next he changed his mind.”
I don’t respond to her. My chair screeches as I scoot it away from the counter and grab my purse. I leave her there alone in the coffee shop. I can’t do anything right now. I can’t believe this is happening. I rush down the street and head for the park, straight for my apartment and Conner’s. Only one thing is processing in my mind right now: I cannot and I will never be the reason a child doesn’t get his family, and right now, that’s exactly who I am.
Conner
Jake sees her first. We’re outside, enjoying the sunny, warm weather as he draws with chalk on the sidewalk. Me, I’m drawing too, just not as much. He’s mid draw when he looks up and jumps, squealing.
“Dad! It’s Alex! Look!” He points across the street to the park and there she is, walking straight for us. She’s walking quickly, which makes me smile. I hate being away from her, too.
“Dad, can she draw with us, please!”
“Yeah, bud, why don’t you ask her when she’s here?”
“I will.” He stands tall and waits for her on the edge of the sidewalk, testing my patience on how close he can get to the road. I start to put some of the broken chalk pieces back in the tub they came in when Jake taps me on the shoulder.
“Dad, Alex is crying,” he whispers.
My head snaps back in her direction as I stand. A red and tear-streaked face is watching me as she crosses the street. She doesn’t smile at me or even get close enough for me to comfort her. Something isn’t right. I swallow, ignoring the terrified pit in my stomach that feels as though I could throw up. Someone hurt her and I want to know who.
“Jake, why don’t you go inside?”
“But, Dad, I thought you said I could invite Alex to draw,” he whines next to me.
I kneel back down to his height and look him in the eye.
“I need to talk to Alex real fast, okay? We can draw some more when I’m done. Why don’t you go see if you can find the neon colors your Uncle E bought for your birthday?” His innocent face lights up and he heads inside the building. When I see his silhouette cross the window of our apartment, I return my focus to Alex.
“What happened?” I ask, taking a slow step forward.
She continues to cry. Each drop of a tear sends a crack to my heart. When I’m close enough to reach her, she takes a step back.
“Don’t.” Her voice is shaky, but the tone is clear. She doesn’t want me to touch her.
“Alex, what happened?”
“All this time,” she says, taking a deep breath to control her tears. “All this time you told me you hate secrets. You told me that secrets tear people apart, and you made me feel like I was a horrible person for not telling Logan sooner who I was.”
“I did, yes, because it true. Secrets destroy the best things in life.”
Apparently those weren’t the right words to use. She pins me with a heated glare and storms past me. I grab her arm, stopping her and forcing her to look at me. She turns, jerking her arm out of my hold. That wasn’t the right move to make either.
“I’m sorry, I …”
“Sorry for what, Conner? For keeping the biggest secret of all from me? One you know damn well the moment I found out the truth, I’d leave.”
She knows about Heather.
“How did you find out?”
“That’s all you have to say? Of everything, you’re only worried about how I know?” Her fists curl at her sides as she turns once again to head inside. I follow her.
“I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so bad, Alex. I just didn’t know how. You expressed how you felt about children not getting the family they deserve, but what good does it do the child if his parents don’t love each other? That’s not a home life I want Jake to have. Heather and I can’t make it work. It has nothing do to with anyone else.”
“You should have been the one to tell me.” She whips around, surprising me, and I almost run into her. “You, Conner. Not Heather.”
I blow out a breath.
“How do you know Heather?”
“Ahhh, really!”
“Okay, yes, it was wrong. I should have told you right away and I didn’t, but that doesn’t change anything we have.”
“It changes everything. We,” she points back and forth between us, “have nothing. Whatever this was is over.”
“Don’t say that. We can figure something out.”
“You should at least try to be with her.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m in love with you and not her!”
I stand there, chest heaving as I wait for a response. All I get is more tears before she looks away.
“I’m sorry, Conner. I won’t be the reason a family doesn’t get their chance.”
She closes her door. I step into her doorway, leaning against the frame.
“Alex, please talk to me. I’m sorry.”
I wait. But she never answers.
“Dad, is Alex still sad?” Jake asks, appearing in our doorway with his neon chalk. I take the chalk from him as we step outside.
“Yeah, bud, she’s still sad.”
But he’s already too distracted by his own artwork to reply. I’m good with that because I’m sad too. Heartbroken. And I hope Jake never has to experience this feeling in his whole life.
Chapter Sixteen
Conner
Eating d
inner at Heather’s place, just me, her, and Jake, isn’t what I had planned for this random Thursday evening. But it’s been three weeks since Alex and I last spoke, when she told me it was over, and I couldn’t stand the thought of her seeing Heather come to my place for dinner. Heather suggested this so we can talk about the next step with Jake. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know she invited me here to talk about us, and even though my mind is screaming get out!, my heart is telling me that maybe if I give it a chance, it will somehow bring Alex back to me in a strange, twisted way. If I become the man she thinks I’m capable of being, maybe she’ll change her mind.
“Conner, are you listening to anything I’m saying?”
I hesitate to look at her. I spot Jake instead, playing on the carpet with his plastic Ninja Turtles as he pretends to be Splinter.
“Conner?”
“Hmm?” is my only response. Jake was happy when he was with Alex, too. He likes her. What we had was good for not only me, but him, too. That has to mean something.
“Conner, I swear, you should have a better reaction to this.”
“To what?” I ask, finally giving in and joining the discussion she is having.
“To Jake going to school in Wind Valley.” By the tone of her voice, I’d say she’s annoyed. This, statement, however, brings me a bit of peace.
“That’s great, Heather. He’s going to love it there.”
“I was also thinking it might be a good idea for me find an apartment there. Make it easier on both of us. It would also mean you can see Jake more.”
I nod instead of reply.
“I know that things are … uneasy right now. I overstepped my place when I spoke with Alex, but she needed to know.”
I eye her, irritated that she brought her up.
“Did she tell you how we met?” Heather knows exactly how to get my attention. Apparently she wants all of it instead of letting me watch my son play on his own. Alex used to play with him. She always played Donatello and Jake loved it.
“No, we never got that far,” I answer.
“My last foster home was the same as hers, and we lost touch when I left.”
“And you decided now was the time to come back into her life.”
“No, I didn’t know she worked at the gym until I ran into her and then I put a few things together. She has strong feelings toward family …”
“I know all this. I know her better than you do. I want to be in her life because I love her, not because we share a past that you clearly didn’t care about. If you had, you would have stayed in touch.”
“She wants you to give Jake a chance …”
“Do not say it. I’ve heard it a million times, Heather. And I don’t know what I have to say or do to get it through your head or hers that without love, you and I will never work.”
“You could love me though, one day, right?” Her voice is in pieces.
“I’m sorry, Heather.”
She nods, excusing herself from the table. I gather Jake’s things and we head home. I’m the bad guy no matter where I go. Call me a sap or call me whipped, but I want to end up with the woman I love. I just need to figure out how to make her see it.
Alex
Logan is upset with Conner, and I feel guilty enjoying what it feels like to have an overprotective brother. Ever since I told Sara what happened she’s invited me around more. I honestly think she would have even if Conner and I were still together. Seeing as how he lives across from me and comes into the gym almost every night I work, the distraction has been nice.
“Did he knock on your door today?” Logan asks as he takes a seat on his sofa between Sara and Beth. We were going to have a girl’s lunch, but Kelsey wasn’t feeling up to it. I don’t blame her, considering her due date was yesterday.
“He did.” The same way he has every day since I broke things off between us.
“And you still didn’t answer?” Beth asks.
“What am I going to say to him, honestly?”
“Honestly,” Logan clears his throat. “It’s not your choice to make for him. If he wants to be with you rather than her, then let it happen.”
“Logan!” Sara exclaims. “I thought you were against them being together.”
He shrugs and pulls out his phone. “I used to feel that way. And mainly because I didn’t want Alex to get hurt. I always wanted her to be happy, though.”
“I agree with Logan,” Beth says.
I eye each of them as I decide what I want to say. Whether or not I want to, it seems like I’m doing something wrong if I forgive him so easily.
“Look, I know how it sounds, and yeah, I’m sure I’m one of the last people you would want to be taking advice from, but you have to go with the flow,” Logan says, surprising me.
“Seriously, that’s your big brother advice? You’ve waited this many years to tell her that?” Sara rolls her eyes but is smiling at the same time.
“No, I’ve waited this many years to see my sister living a life where she is happy and has what she wants. What I see: messy hair, jeans, and hoodie. This doesn’t look like you’re happy.”
I sigh. He’s right. I’m not happy, but I can’t take back what I said and I don’t want to. I refuse to be the other woman. And I might not even be that. But it doesn’t change the fact that Conner kept Heather and her suggestion they be a family from me. He had plenty of moments to tell me about it and explain his side of the story, but he never did. It stings to think that maybe he never said a word because he doesn’t trust me. Or maybe he wasn’t really as into me as I was him. Maybe I was just someone to help pass the time or get out one last hurrah before he made the family commitment.
“If you ask me, I think you two just need to talk it out.” Sara grins at me before she reaches over to rub Logan’s back. The way she looks at Logan, with love, hits me right in the heart. I don’t think I was ever in love with Conner, but it was something fiercely close.
“Do you remember how you lacked a lot of communication? Maybe it’s something that runs in the family,” Sara says.
“It’s not the lack of communication as much as we don’t want to face the fact that someone might not want us, would reject us the way our parents did,” Logan says with such a straight face. Then he kisses his wife on the top of her head and stands. “I’ve voiced my opinion. I’ll let you ladies talk it out from here. But, Alexis, I’m serious. When you fall in love, you can’t control what it does to you. How it makes you feel. You should embrace it. Conner isn’t leaving Jake behind by being with you. He’s still being the father we never had with or without you. I have a feeling he’d rather do it with you.”
I open my mouth, but to say what I’m not sure. I’m starting to think that Logan hogged all the smart genes when he was born. He winks at Sara before he exits the room. His experience is what has made him so wise. I hope mine will do the same.
“Personally, I think—” Beth begins but is cut off by Logan barging back into the room.
“Kelsey is having the baby!”
“What?” Sara says with excitement.
“Finally.” Beth says.
“Ethan says it’s going fast; let’s go.” Logan grabs his keys and Sara’s purse from near the door.
“Why do we need to be there?” I ask, not moving from the couch.
All three of them pause to stare at me.
“Why wouldn’t we go? Our best friend is having a baby and we want to be there for her. This is what we do. This is how our group works. Now I know you like Kelsey, too, so if you’re part of our group then you best get your ass off that couch and suck up the nerves or whatever else you are going to have when you see Conner.” Beth barely finishes her mini speech before she’s out the door. Sara, who is just starting her fifth month, is right behind her.
Beth is right. All of these people have welcomed me into their lives even after knowing I kept my relation to Logan a secret. They didn’t hesitate to make me feel like I’ve found more than just friends. This
is my new family—they were there for me and now it’s my turn to repay the favor.
I stand.
Twenty minutes later I’m sitting in the hospital waiting room with Beth, Sara, Logan, and Kelsey’s parents. Clara is fast asleep in her grandmother’s arms. I want to ask where Ethan’s parents are, but no one seems to be concerned about it, so I decide it’s best not to bring it up. I expected Conner to be here already, but he isn’t. I really want to ask about that because a part of me is actually looking forward to seeing him. I miss his touch and the way he gives me this half grin thing that creates one dimple on the right side of his smile just before he kisses me.
I lean back in my chair the moment I hear Jake. He zooms into the room and right to his grandparents. Who, I might add, have had the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen on their faces. Today is happy day for them, too.
“Alex!” he yells the moment his eyes catch mine over his grandfather’s shoulder mid hug. Jake scrambles down to his feet and runs over to me, wrapping his arms around my neck as I lean over the chair into his embrace.
“Dad said you’ve been real busy this week. So busy you can’t even play chalk with me.” Big, sad eyes look up at me. I see Conner in them and it crushes my heart even more.
“Yeah, I have. But how about next time you’re staying at your dad’s, I’ll meet you outside for a chalk date.”
“Yes! Dad, did you hear her?”
My gaze remains glued to the floor as I feel Conner looking at me. If I look up, I can’t promise I won’t break into tears. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I’ve only known him a few months. This shouldn’t be the way I feel after such a short amount of time.
“Yeah, I heard her, bud.” His voice sends welcomed shivers through my body, waking parts of me that have a desire only for him. His arm brushes against mine as he takes the seat next to me. Jake is now chatting Sara and Logan’s ears off on the other side of the room.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
“Can you give me the chance to explain myself? I never thought I would meet someone like you, and everything got complicated so fast. I was so caught up in what we had that I got scared.”
