by Jami Wagner
“Conner, I don’t think this is the place to talk.”
“I disagree. I told myself that the next time I saw you, I wouldn’t waste another minute missing my chance to talk to you. Waiting for the right moment is what put me in this spot to begin with. I miss you, Alex. And I’m so incredibly sorry.”
“Conner, please,” I beg, swiping a tear away. These rush of emotions are new for me and I don’t really feel like crying in public.
“Alex, I can’t be with her when I’m in love with you.”
I rise, ready to dash out of the room when Ethan steps in, smiling like a proud new father.
“Kelsey is doing great and out newest addition, Cassie, is just as beautiful as her mother. You should be able to see her soon.”
Everyone takes their turn giving hugs and congratulating him. I do my part and excuse myself.
I can’t stick around here. Not while Conner is here and not while my heart shatters just by looking at him.
Chapter Seventeen
Conner
Two weeks. That’s how long it’s been since I saw Alex in the hospital and that’s how long she’s been avoiding me. My sister, Beth, and Sara all said to give her space and she will come around. I’ve been doing my best, but right now, I really wish I hadn’t listened to them. I don’t think she needs more time.
She’s going on a date. I saw him walk up to the building with flowers in hand. At first I hoped it was the grandson of the woman who lives above me, but when I heard her laugh coming from the hall I knew what was going on. I don’t like it at all.
I swing my door open just as Alex is locking hers.
“Hey there,” I say to the guy, who is staring at her ass. I lean against my doorframe and smile when she turns around with a warning written all over her face. I can’t really confirm what kind of warning it is though; it almost looks as though she’s trying not to smile. Then her date turns to look at me, too, and I push of the wall. Fucking Pete.
“Where are you two headed?” I ask, flashing her the grin I know she loves.
“That’s none of your business,” she says, stepping toward the door. I take a step, too, stopping in front of her to block her from leaving.
“As your neighbor, I’m looking out for you. Plus, Logan may have asked me to keep an eye on you.”
“He did not.” She rolls her eyes.
“Maybe, but then again, no one needs to ask me to make sure you stay safe.”
“I’m sorry,” Pete interrupts. “Did you two spilt up, or is there still something going on?”
“He’s just my neighbor.”
“Ouch.” I put my hand over my heart for fun. “I may be her ex, but I guarantee you won’t get far enough to get even that title.”
Pete’s eyes go wide.
“Correction, you were never my boyfriend. A relationship with titles requires trust. Something you were clearly lacking.” She moves for the door and I stop her, again.
“I hate that our relationship is still raw on your heart, and if I remember right, you kept something from me too.”
Her eyes lock onto mine and we’re suddenly in a staring contest.
“Maybe I should go?” Pete asks.
“No, Pete, Conner is going back inside his apartment so we can go on our date.”
“I was actually thinking of seeing you off. You know, make sure Pete is being a true gentleman.”
“Look, Conner, I’ve seen your type before, and guess what? You don’t get the girl in the end.” Pete takes a step toward me, but I’m still a good head taller than him.
“That may be true, but I also know that she isn’t into people claiming her the way you’re trying to right now.”
“Conner, seriously.” Alex’s annoyed tone does nothing but make me feel triumphant. I wanted to affect her and I did. She’ll be back later tonight. Probably to yell at me, but I’ll smooth talk her down.
What am I saying? I’m desperate. I’ll do anything to get her to talk to me, including making things worse.
I lift my hand and back away in surrender form.
“Sure, by all means, go on your date.”
Pete bumps me with his shoulder as he passes through the door. I have to take a deep breath to keep myself from sending him off with a black eye. He doesn’t know how lucky he is to be going out with her right now.
With Pete through the door, I gently grab Alex’s arm before she can follow him. This time she doesn’t look like she’s ready to rip my head off or irritated. Her eyes appear on the verge of tears as they avoid looking directly at mine.
“No amount of time is going to change the way I feel about you. No guy is going to come in here, take you out, and push me away. You’re it for me, and I’ll wait as long as it takes until you figure that out.”
I kiss her forehead and she sighs before rushing out the door. What else can I do to make her see we are meant to be together?
I watch as Pete’s car pulls away from the curb. I must zone out because the next thing I notice is that same car parking in front of the BA. I’m out the door and headed that way in under a minute.
Alexis
I wonder if Pete knows Conner works at the BA. If he does then he’s an idiot, and if he doesn’t, I feel bad for the guy because I have a good feeling no matter who is working, they won’t be that pleasant to him. I know this because for the last week I’ve heard how cruel I’m being by not listening to what Conner has to say and that I’m being dumb—Beth’s exact word—to not give him another chance.
Falling in love is supposed to be easy. It shouldn’t come with secrets and problems right off the bat, and because that’s exactly what happened with us, it couldn’t have been real love.
Although he sure seems convinced it is, and his words tonight still affect me the way they did the first time he said them.
“Have you ever been here?” Pete asks as he opens a menu. I open mine, too, avoiding Lucas’s stare from behind the bar.
I should probably spare Pete the details—this is the exact booth where my story with Conner began. He’s all I can think about, but I’m positive he’s the last thing Pete wants to talk about.
“My brother and sister-in-law actually own this bar, so I’ve been here before, yes.”
“Oh, you should have said something. We can go somewhere else if you want.”
“No, the food here is great.”
Pete eyes me then, a blank expression looking back me. I force a smile.
“Hello, Alexis, and hello, Pete.” Of course, Abby would be the only cheery person to wait on us tonight. I don’t miss the way she gets all excited to see Conner at the gym. And I sure don’t miss the way she finds excuses to be in the same area he is.
I narrow my eyes, hating how jealous I am, because I shouldn’t be jealous. There isn’t and won’t be an Alexis and Conner.
I’m about to order my entire dinner so I can get this date over with—I’m only here to prove to Beth that I’m over Conner—when the guy himself walks through the door. He looks great in his dark wash jeans and gray hoodie. Sad eyes meet mine, and it forces me to look away for a brief moment.
Pete groans at the sight of him and Abby excuses herself, letting us know she’ll be back with two waters. Conner keeps his eyes on our table as he moves toward the bar.
“He’s not seriously following you, is he?”
“No, he works here. He’s not crazy.” I’m suddenly defensive.
Pete glares at me so I glare back.
“You know what, I’m going to head out. Think your boyfriend can give you a ride?” he says sarcastically, rising from the table.
“I’ll walk since you drove me a whole block.”
Pete lets out a grunt laugh and leaves me sitting at the table alone. Well, work will be fun next week.
I continue to sit there when Abby brings me a water, and I decline her offer to get me some food.
Alright, so maybe everyone else is right. Even Logan told me I need to let go of the past, that nothing
that happened before I got here should affect where I end up. Maybe I should just talk to Conner, but like everything else in my life, I need the time to do it on my own.
“This seat taken?” Conner asks, not waiting for an answer before he sits down. I take a deep breath and look up. It takes everything I have not to start crying.
“You know just as well I as I do that we are meant to be together. You’re just wasting your time dating other guys,” he says. He doesn’t say it like he’s mad, he says it like he understands why I’m doing it. His voice is calm and soft and it makes me want to both scream and cry that he thinks me knows me as well as he does.
“No, I don’t know that,” I snap and head for the door. He calls my name, but I don’t stop. I even make it all the way home before it occurs to me that he didn’t come after me and it frustrates me because I wanted him to.
I’m a mess.
Chapter Eighteen
Conner
There was a moment last night when I thought I was getting through to her. Instead I made matters worse. Maybe she doesn’t feel like I do. Maybe it really is over.
Jake stirs next to me on the couch. The poor kid was dropped off by his mother once again for a reason she can’t explain. Like a couple of times before, she was crying when she left.
She wouldn’t tell me why.
Things were great and now I feel like I can’t get any part of my life together. With Jake in my arms, I carry him to his room and lay him onto his bed before reaching for his backpack to grab his pajamas. It’s almost time to get him a bigger bed. This kid is growing up too fast for me.
I pull a pair of dinosaur pajamas from the big pocket and a white envelope falls out. Seeing it on my floor with my name written across the front sends a sinking feeling to my gut.
I finish changing Jake and tuck him in before I pull out the letter. The first two words force me to the edge of the bed before I make it out of the room.
I’m sorry, Conner.
I won’t be picking Jake up this time around. I’ve been doing this mom thing for a while now and it’s not working out for me. I can’t do it. Not alone, and I can’t force you to be with me at all times. I knew the idea was absurd the moment I mentioned it.
This is a selfish choice. I know it. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and Jake will be better off without me.
The last few months when Jake comes back to me after spending time with you and Alexis, the smile on his face is brighter than any day he’s with me. He’s always talking about you and your family, and until recently he’d always speak of Alexis. He’s very fond of her. Maybe the reason I met her when I was younger and confided in her all those years ago was because Fate knew she would one day raise my son. He’s in good hands with you and with her. He will be truly happy with the both of you.
I’m not sorry I held such high standards for you. For making you get your own place, go back to school, and get a steady job. I knew this day would come and I wanted to make sure Jake was going to be safe and well cared for before I left him. I knew you could give him so much more than I ever could on my own.
I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but this has been my plan from the day I told you that you are a father. If I couldn’t make us a family, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick around. I’m not a good mom for him.
The hate you feel for me right for giving up on Jake is something I will never ask you to forgive me for. I promise I won’t be coming back into your life years later to take him from you. To prove this to you, I’ve enclosed adoption papers. My signature is already on them. If Alexis wants to become his legal mother, she is a much stronger person than I am, and I know she will give Jake the world. I hope I didn’t ruin things between you two permanently. If you’re not back together yet, try harder. Try harder than I ever did to be a mother.
I’ll always love my son, but his life will be so rich with you.
Heather
Tears are in my eyes before I can finish reading. Not for me, or for the way my life is going to be different from this moment on, but for my son whose mother is giving up. For the kid who has been through enough this past year and doesn’t deserve this. I glance back at his unaware and innocently sleeping face.
How could his mother do this to him?
I flick the light off as I exit his room. Everything is about to change, and out of all the people I have right now that I can call, the one person I want it to be still isn’t speaking to me.
Alexis
He’s right there. Just across the hall. Ten steps, maximum. All I have to do is walk out my door and knock on his and tell him I’m sorry and I’m wrong. My hand rests above the door knob; I can’t decide what to do.
I know this is what I want to do and that it’s what I need to do, yet somehow I can’t do it. Something keeps telling me today isn’t a good day to tell him. Another part of me keeps reminding myself that if I don’t suck it up and do it right now, I may lose my chance, or worse, convince myself yet again to do the wrong thing. I don’t want either of those.
With a deep breath in and out, I turn the knob. Conner steps out of his apartment the same moment, holding Jake’s backpack in his hand. I’ve noticed that Jake has been here the last few days. The look of frustration on his face and the circles under his eyes go straight to my heart. I want to hold him, tell him how sorry I am, and offer to help with whatever he has going on. My not knowing what I want has affected him more deeply than I thought. I hope I’m not too late.
I stand there, waiting for him to say something as we stare at each other. He doesn’t though, and his phone interrupts whatever moment we were having. His eyes widen and he quickly moves to grab it, switching Jake’s backpack to the other hand as he answers.
“I’m on my way, I swear it,” he says, not waiting for a reply and placing the phone back into his jeans. “Jake, let’s go,” he hollers into the apartment.
“Is everything okay?” I ask. He’s more flustered than usual, and it’s selfish of me to assume that his appearance is solely because of me.
“No, we’re just running late,” he answers softly, glancing back into his apartment. He then drops the backpack and steps back through the door, leaving it wide open. I step toward it.
“Jake, what are you doing?” I hear him ask.
“I can’t find Donny,” Jake’s small voice answers in a panic.
“We can find him later,” Conner says.
“Noooo,” Jakes cries out. “We have to find him now.”
I hear Conner’s aggravated sigh, followed by the sounds of Jake’s toy buckets being moved around. “Where did you last have it?”
Their conversation grows louder as I step inside to help. When Jake napped, he would always leave Donny under the blanket he used on the couch. I lift the same brown and gold tie blanket he always uses and, sure enough, the stuffed green turtle is resting right underneath it.
“He’s right here,” I call out to them and Jake comes running, pure excitement on his face as he rounds the corner into the living room.
“Alex!” he screams and crashes into my legs, hugging them tightly. I smile and bend over, doing my best to hug him back.
“Thank you,” Conner’s voice catches my attention. He’s standing right in front of me. My eyes lock with his for a brief moment before he squats to help Jake tie his shoes.
“I don’t want this to come off as rude, but Jake and I are sort of in a hurry, so—”
“Oh yeah, it’s not a problem.” I turn for the door.
“Are you coming back tonight?” Jake asks, looking down to line up the zipper on his jacket.
“I’m sure she has other things to do, bud,” Conner answers for me, and that’s when it occurs to me that I’m too late. He didn’t look at me with hopeful eyes or ask me himself. He just dismissed it like he doesn’t care to hear what I had to say. Which is fair; it’s what I’ve been doing to him the last few weeks.
I nod, forcing a smile over the tears that want to
fall.
We all step through the door and Jake grabs his backpack.
“I go to Nanna’s now while Dad is working. It’s part of our new team.”
“Routine,” Conner says. “Not new team.”
“Oh yeah, that.” Jake smiles, rolls his eyes, and is out the door.
I want to ask Conner more, but he follows Jake outside without another word. I close the door behind me and sink to the floor. The tears come uncontrollably as I face the facts: I ruined everything we had.
* * *
Work is slow when I make it to the gym later. Slow sucks because that means I have more time to let my mind dwell on everything I could have done differently.
I walk by the windows in the cardio room, noticing the rain has picked up, turning what was a bright and sunny day into a gloomy one. It’s like my life right now. I had hope this morning and now I just feel out of sorts. Great, what’s next? The treadmill represents the never-ending road of sadness that lies ahead?
Yeah, I need to get out of this area.
At the front desk, Abby is folding towels. I join her, not saying a word. If anyone has enjoyed what’s going on between me and Conner, it’s her.
I’m two towels in and she sighs. I ignore it. Another towel later, she sighs again, this time louder.
“What?” I ask, irritated.
“Oh, nothing.”
“Clearly it’s something,” I say. She better spit it out before I snap and say something I could regret later after I’ve been fired.
“Alright, but it has more to do with you than me,” she says, continuing to fold. Me, however, I’ve got my arms crossed and my hip resting against the counter as I look at her.
“I’m the reason you’re sighing rudely?”
“Rudely? I needed a reason to get you to talk to me because you haven’t said one word to me since you got here.”
“Didn’t know it was part of my job.”
“Fine, I know I’m not your favorite person and you won’t like what I’m about to say, but you need to hear me out.”
