Modern Manners For Your Inner Demons

by Tara Laskowski

  Please come prepared with all readings completed on the day they are listed.

  Signs You Know Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

  None of her friends like him. If her family or friends have reservations about him, if they actually have been seen sticking their tongues out at the back of his head and (not verified to be true, but highly suspected) have hocked a loogie in his scotch and water when he was taking a call by the door, you should encourage your friend to figure out why they might feel so strongly about him.

  She lies to protect him. You casually say, “Didn’t Mike just take your tips?” and she says, “He just holds on to them for me.”

  He puts her down, in private or in front of others. “Lay off the peanuts, Chelsea,” “Those shoes look like they’ve been run over by a tanker,” “What, didn’t you have your coffee yet today?” are not loving phrases spoken by a good man.

  You’ve left enough obvious hints that her boyfriend is a big fat jerk, but it never works. Even if you bring him up casually and mention ten or fifteen or twenty specific times when he’s acted like a real asshole, doing everything from grabbing her arm a little too hard to flirting with Melissa, you’ll probably find she’s got a list of rationalizations to counter all of them. Remember: His negative behavior may be the exact thing that attracts her to him.

  He says he loves her, but doesn’t act like it.

  If your otherwise smart, beautiful, sweet friend is ruining her life with a pathetic, testosterone-filled, junkie, aggressive, cruel monster, it’s likely that he might fill a dark void in her past. Maybe he’s the father who was never at her dance recitals, or the brother who drank himself to death. Perhaps she is scarred by past traumas and has no self-esteem. It is your job to make sure she knows her worth, to remind her of her good qualities and that she deserves more than to be trapped in a dead-end relationship with a man who uses Vicks VapoRub to slick down his hair and chews on the end of toothpicks.

  Amended Guidelines, Amended

  You’re a regular.

  You can have a favorite. Everyone does. Even parents have a favorite child. The trick is to hide that fact from everyone. To not be like your father, whose eyes flickered in pity and shame across the dinner table, whose very soul screamed silently why can’t you be more like your brother.

  You can stand outside the dressing rooms for five minutes. There’s a timer on your phone. Pace and hold the phone up to your ear like you needed a quieter space to have an important conversation.

  They never make eye contact, but you can still

  Protect her.

  Myth #7

  Climbing trees is a preferred method for the outdoor spectator.

  False! There are many reasons why you should not do this. The bark hurts your hands and can chip off if you put weight on it. The trunks are too wide to grasp easily. If you do get up there, you’re too vulnerable. Any tree that would provide good camouflage to hide you would also obstruct any view you might have.

  Better places might be: cars, hotel rooms (high rises), parking lots. For townhouses such as, say, Chelsea’s, sometimes the best practice is to go around the back of the building. You’d be amazed at what you can see late at night sitting on a park bench. Amazed at how many folks leave their blinds open.

  Remember that women in abusive relationships often make up excuses for their men. Remember that, although you’ve been going to the gym lately, your muscles are still weak—you can only do three pull-ups before giving up. Remember that you have a reputation in your day job for being an even-keeled manager, someone who pays attention to the details. Remember that your mother is a well-respected teacher in her community.

  Flip a coin. Heads, you go in. Tails, you walk. When it’s tails, breathe out slowly and squeeze the lobe of your right ear until your eyes water.

  From “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema”

  As the spectator identifies with the main male protagonist, he projects his look on to that, of his like… A male movie star’s glamourous characteristics are not those of the erotic object of the gaze, but those of the more perfect, more complete, more powerful ideal ego conceived in the original moment of recognition in front of the mirror.

  The character in the story can make things happen and control events better than the subject/spectator.

  Chapter 12: On Being Alone

  Take a hot shower, as hot as you can stand. Each time her image crops up, open your eyes and scald them with the water. She is an adult. She makes her own choices.

  Step out of the shower. Pat yourself dry. Wipe off the fog from the mirror. Squeeze your cheeks hard until it hurts. You are the protagonist in this story.

  Stare at your reflection. There’s only one rule in this game.

  The first one who blinks is the loser.

  THE ETIQUETTE OF ILLITERACY

  Glossary of Terms

  The Letter “X”: Recognize the cross. Jesus died on the cross, but the kind of cross he died on is like another letter of the alphabet and means something different. The cross, or the “X,” is usually found at the bottom of documents where you need to sign your name. It is also often used when signaling that something is no good or not allowed. A picture of a phone with the “X” for example means that you cannot call your cousin in that place to ask her a question. However, “X” is not always bad. When you get a letter from your grandniece, and at the bottom she writes several XXX’s and OOOOs, it means hugs and kisses.

  XL: “X” combined with the letter that looks like half of a square is the size you look for when buying clothes. Simple is better, they say. Solid colors rarely go out of style. Dark wool pants keep you warm. Heels aggravate the spur in your heel, but don’t get rid of the black shiny shoes stashed in the back of your closet. Maybe someday.

  STOP: White letters on a red 8-sided circle that reminds you of a pizza cutter. Signals cars to stop driving so you can cross the street.

  ENTER/EXIT: Go in, go out. If unsure about this, wait around the outside of the establishment until someone else comes by and follow them.

  READ: Four letters in yellow on a blue sheet of paper. Look for the signs when you arrive at the building where your class is. Follow them back to the overheated classroom in the basement. While your first reaction may be to hate your teacher, a young black-haired gal with pointy glasses who is young enough to be your daughter, resist the urge to leave at the break. You may notice the older gentleman. His name is Theo. He may watch you from across the room. Eat your sandwich at the back desk and practice breathing to stay calm. Open your textbook to page 13 and note the sweet-looking dog running to fetch a ball. You always wanted a puppy.

  Chapter 7 — Food Shopping

  Here is $50. Divide your grocery shopping up into small bits throughout the week. Think of it as a chance to get out and get some fresh air. The first trip should be essentials only—bread and ham for sandwiches, milk, cheese, cabbage, flour, potatoes for pierogies and haluski. If they are on sale (the red sticker indicates a mark-down) buy some bananas and mangos—they are still exotic and delicious even after all these years.

  Examine the bills you have left after that trip. The money with two numbers on it is worth more than those with single numbers. Use that to judge your next trip to the store, but be careful not to go over: you do not want to be stuck in a long line trying to determine which of the boxes and cans to give back to the cashier.

  Choose items you know—the cereal with the green leprechaun shooting candy off his spoon, the canned soup with the picture of simmering chili on the front, the boxed macaroni and cheese bright blue and orange, the frozen meals that never look as good microwaved as they do on the cover of the box. Push your cart past all the mystery boxes with labels you cannot decipher. Their contents are secret, unforgiving.

  If you are feeling adventurous select something, anything, to bring home and try. You may get a cake mix of some kind—use it to make paczki. You may get pea soup that looks like baby vomit, or canned peaches, which
you are allergic to. Or you may get lucky—dried blueberry granola, creamy peanut butter, chicken noodle soup, applesauce, condensed milk.

  Remember that any kind of wine will do, so pick the bottles with the labels that please you most.

  The Modern Adventures of Dick and Jane

  (Part I)

  See Jane’s mail arrive. See Jane gather it up in her arms. See Jane bring it into the house. See Jane’s name on the envelope.

  Where is Dick? Dick used to see Jane’s mail and help her. Dick paid the bills. Dick went to work, came home. Jane served Dick his dinner.

  One, two, three. Cztery, pięć, sześć. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. The years went by. Dick got sick. See Dick cough. See Jane cry.

  Chapter 12 — Why We Love Houses

  Houses are familiar, inviting. They do not need words to express themselves. They do not need explanation. In each house is a living room with cushions and rugs that need to be vacuumed, a kitchen with sinks to scour and cabinets to wipe down, bathrooms with toilets to polish and bathtubs to shine. There is order to the house. The good ones are filled with love and family already, and the bad ones just need time, just need your help to make them better.

  A dirty house is a challenge. A clean house is an accomplishment. Każdy człowiek ma coś do zrobienia na tym świecie. Every person has a purpose in this world.

  The best house cleaners go beyond the surface. Pull forward the bookcase and sweep out the dust that gathers behind it. Lift the ceramic duck and dust underneath. Be sure to straighten the bathmat when you put it back on the tile floor. Do not open drawers or look in the closets (and if you do, never, ever speak of the sex toys you find, or the hidden stashes of potato chips and chocolate, or the hand-written journals and wills and Christmas lists in pretty curly writing you wish you could understand). The best house cleaners are day ghosts—only the clean, soft scent should be the hint that you were ever there to begin with.

  Neighborhood Landmarks

  Two blocks left and one block right is the bus stop.

  If you fall asleep and take the green bus more than four stops, then you will end up in a neighborhood where the houses have many broken appliances and dirty toys on their front lawns, scary-sounding dogs bark behind the windows, and teenage boys hover in groups, staring at you, their fists shoved into oversized sweatshirts.

  It is shorter to the coffee shop to cut down the small alley just beyond the green mailbox, but risky if it rained recently because of the muddy potholes.

  If you take the red bus three stops, get off, then walk until you see the playground and turn left, your doctor’s office is the third building on the right. (Note: Remember when arriving at the appointment to pretend not to see the sign-in sheet at the desk but instead state your name clearly to the receptionist and even so, be prepared that she may forget you and you will have to wait a long time before they call you in. Pee before you go.)

  We are not sure where the yellow bus goes, so it is best to avoid it.

  Shop for fresh produce at the Asian food mart because none of the labels are in English anyway.

  Five stops on the red bus puts you in the neighborhood where you clean, the streets where the houses sit further back and the lawns get mowed by professional companies. If it is a nice day, you can walk a few blocks down to the main highway and the pet store. On Saturdays they bring the dogs in to adopt and they will let you pet them. The wet noses are your favorite.

  On Job Fairs

  Stand quietly in line. When you get to the front of the line, ask for an application. If the lady hands you a pen, shake your head and smile confidently. Tell her you’ll feel more comfortable filling out the application at home, where you have more time. Tell her you’ve heard wonderful things about her company. Do not tell her the truth—that you hear that cleaning offices pays more than cleaning homes.5 Do not seem desperate.

  Fold the application in half and tuck it into your black purse, which you found hidden under some old Christmas ornaments in the back of the Salvation Army store last year and paid for in change, dumping all of the coins out on the corner and then acting busy, acting distracted, until the cashier sighed and counted out the correct amount for you.

  Hold your head high when you walk out of the job fair. Ignore the immigrants in the corner, backs bent, hands cupping cell phones as they try to translate the applications for their friends to fill out. Ignore the husky woman standing next to you, making clucking noises with her teeth and shaking her head at you. “Those people,” she may say, touching your arm slightly, “I say if they can’t read the language then they should go back where they belong.”

  The Art of the Public Restroom

  Always look for the “W,” the letter that catches more water, the letter that can hold liquid, that looks upward, looks hopeful. Upside down, “M,” is the one to avoid. Menacing. Men. Maddening.

  Of course, like all the stupid rules in the stupid English language, there are exceptions. Lots of exceptions. Especially in fancy restaurants that your cousin Catherine and her fancy, pine-tree-smelling, wool-coated boyfriend take you to when they visit. These places often get clever by using puns, or foreign words (you cannot rely on the longer word meaning the women’s room) or animals or other slang words.

  Sometimes these places will use pictures to clue you in—silhouettes of movie stars, cartoon characters, the colors pink and blue, but sometimes they will not. If not, decide if you’re feeling lucky, if you’re willing to take the 50/50 risk, or wait for other customers to walk out.

  Or just hold it in.

  Should you accidentally open the wrong door, apologize immediately. If possible, blame it on alcohol or the damn medication your doctor just put you on. Look any men directly in the face and nowhere else. Avoid breathing in deeply. Back out quickly. In the correct bathroom, splash cold water on your face until the red blotches disappear. Press your lips tightly together until they turn white. Ask yourself where it is that you Belong.6

  The Modern Adventures of Dick and Jane

  (Part II)

  Now it is spring again. Hear the birds chirp.

  See Jane go to store. See Theo see Jane, smile. Theo would like to help Jane with her groceries. See Jane say no. See Jane look down, blush. Look, Theo says. Look, look. Theo hands Jane a ripe, bright peach. He points, winking. See Jane run.

  Jane and Theo like school. Jane writes, look up, look up. Jane draws cloud. Theo draws a heart. Jane makes an “ex” through it. Jane laughs.

  Jane likes flowers. Czerwona, Jane says. Red is my favorite color.

  See Theo fetch.

  5 Cleaning offices, as you’ll find out, is more trouble than it’s worth. Many offices have LABELS on things that you are not supposed to touch. They have signs of where you are to go and what you are to clean. The cleaning companies have rules you need to sign and checklists to fill out. The pay may be better but the hours are not. And the buildings, at night, seem so impersonal and scary with their flickering light bulbs and humming, unidentifiable machines.

  6 Where DO you belong? You were born here! Pale white face, skin wrinkled at the corners of your eyes but surely, surely, not that old yet. Your mother was from Poland, but you know nothing of that place. You never traveled out of the state, let alone across a vast, icy ocean to a country that you only know to be cold and poor, that you imagine to be gray, gray, gray every day, even in the summertime.

  THE ETIQUETTE OF INSOMNIA

  Rule #1 — Know When to Give Up

  Sigh. Toss back the covers. Sigh.

  Leave the room, quietly but not too quietly, secretly hoping you might wake your wife a little just so she knows your suffering. Look at yourself in the greenish nightlight of the bathroom. Note dark circles, red, dry eyes. Raise your index finger and thumb to the side of your head and form a gun. Pretend to shoot yourself and make a “puh-chew” sound for greater effect.

  Walk downstairs. Step on one of your son’s toys with bare feet, those damn robot cars that you told him five hun
dred times to put back in his room. Kick it in the corner so it turns on briefly and says, maniacally, “Let’s get racin’!” Bite the inside of your lip. Cry a little.

  It does not feel right to turn on any lights this godforsaken time of the night, so fumble your way around for the TV remote and turn it on, lowering the volume to a murmur. Flip through all the channels five times, those 235 channels that you pay half your damn salary for and can never find anything good on, and settle on an informercial for some veggie appliance that can cut through a solid brick and then still cut beautiful translucent slices of tomato. Call the 800 number to buy it and find that the company is out of business. Turn off the TV.

  Survey the refrigerator. Prime items to look for: the half red velvet cake left over from your mother-in-law’s birthday, chicken soup, Bud Light Lime, or, in times of desperation, grapes. Cabinet items can include these: Doritos, Goldfish crackers, chocolate, and those disgusting cheese curl things that your son loves.

  Eat. Feel bad. Eat again. Leave the crumbs on the counter and the dirty dishes in the sink.

  Chapter 11 — Why Tips and Tricks for Falling Asleep Do Not Work