“Yeah,” he agreed. “It’s perfect.”
“I know your secret.”
Pete didn’t look up from the register. “Go away, Joshua.” He finished counting the quarters and moved on to the dimes. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty . . .
“Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said I know your secret.”
Fuck. Pete lost count. He dropped the coins back into their slot with a clatter and then glared at Joshua. “Do you mind? I can’t start my shift until I finish counting the register.” Some corner of his brain had absorbed Joshua’s words, but it had shuttled them off to a “deal with later” pile. He had a laundry list of things on his mind: midterms were in less than a month, Sana had a million tasks for him, and he hadn’t had a chance to see Evan in nearly four days. He wasn’t in the mood for Joshua’s shit.
Joshua pouted at his dismissal. Pete probably wasn’t giving him the reaction he was shooting for. Good. Maybe he’d take the hint and go away.
Pete scooped the dimes out of the tray again and started over. Ten, twenty, thirty—
Joshua leaned closer, an elbow on the counter, and shoved his phone in Pete’s face. “Check out what I found.”
Pete saw a flash of bare, muscular chest and yelped, shoving the phone away with his free hand. “Dude, is that porn?”
“Yup,” Joshua chirped.
“What the fuck?” Pete stared at him. “That’s weird even for you. And I’m pretty sure that violates like a dozen sexual harassment laws.” He turned back to the register, mumbling rude comments under his breath, and did his best to block Joshua out.
“Hey, I’m trying to do you a favor. You and your boyfriend’s sex tape got leaked.”
Now that Pete heard. He dropped the dimes again, this time on accident. Most of them landed in the tray, but a few rolled across the counter and fell to the tile floor with a metallic ping.
He whirled to face Joshua. “What?”
Joshua smirked. “I thought that might get your attention.” He held out his phone again. “This is you and him, right?”
Pete was almost too afraid to look. A degree at a time, his eyes drifted down to Joshua’s phone. His browser was pulled up and displayed some sort of LGBTQ porn site, judging by the fact that it was dripping with rainbows and dicks. The colorful genitals weren’t what caught Pete’s attention, however. There was a banner ad for Heat Wave flashing on the sidebar, featuring a photo of Evan and him on a makeshift beach that Pete recognized all too well.
“Why, Pete,” Joshua said, fluttering his eyelashes, “I never would have guessed.”
The pleased expression on his face was totally at odds with the nuclear apocalypse that was going off inside of Pete right now. His brain retrieved what Joshua had said before and replayed it at a thunderous volume: “I know your secret.”
Pete’s body grew cold from head to toe, and he was willing to bet all the blood had drained out of his face. He stared forward but somehow didn’t see Joshua at all. His attention floated around the Globe, which had taken on the surreal quality of a dream while somehow looking the same. Sunlight spilled across the gray tile floor, customers dotted the mismatched furniture, and Sana was chatting with someone near the milk station, wearing a fetching electric-blue headscarf. It was so normal, but off at the same time. Probably because of the paradigm shift occurring in Pete’s brain.
Pete stared at him, silent as death. He opened his mouth only to close it again. What could he possibly say?
Joshua must’ve gotten sick of waiting for him, because he nudged him with an elbow and said, “What are the odds, right?”
For once, Pete couldn’t agree more. Of all the ads in all the world, Joshua had to see his. Hadn’t he heard of ad blockers?
Oblivious to his internal apocalypse, Joshua said, “I mean, who would have thought you have an evil twin in porn.”
Pete snapped out of his horror and stammered, “W-what?”
Joshua continued like he hadn’t heard him. “I can’t believe how much the guy on the right looks just like you. He’s even got your freaky huge eyes. And the other guy’s a dead ringer for your hot boyfriend. What a coincidence, right?”
Oh fuck. In an instant, Pete understood. Joshua didn’t know it was him. The ad was tiny and pixelated; of course he couldn’t tell for sure it was him. Pete could still salvage this. If he could just wipe the shock off his face, if he could just think fast enough. But panic made him sluggish, and his facial muscles refused to cooperate with the orders he mentally screamed at them.
Joshua glanced up at him, and in an instant, Pete knew it was too late.
His panic was written all over his face; he could feel it. Because the moment Joshua looked at him, his eyes widened.
“Oh my God,” Joshua breathed. “Is . . . is it you?”
He glanced between his phone and Pete so quickly, Pete thought his head might fly off his neck.
Joshua sucked in a breath and started to shout, “Holy sh—”
Pete clapped a hand onto his shoulder, hard. Several people had turned to eye them, including Sana. A fresh wave of panic flooded into Pete.
“Back room,” he hissed. Apparently, fear made him strong, because Pete hauled Joshua off like he weighed nothing, yanking him through the swinging door behind the counter.
Joshua stumbled but caught himself. He whirled around and stared at Pete with giant green eyes.
Pete stared back, and it occurred to him that now that he had Joshua here, he had no idea what to say to him. Pete was no closer to forming actual sentences. Joshua might as well have punched him in the stomach. He grabbed the counter for support. Black spots danced around the edges of his vision. For a terrifying moment, he thought he might actually faint.
Judging by Joshua’s face, his silence didn’t just speak volumes. It spoke whole libraries. “Is it true? Is this really you?” He held the phone up like an accusation.
Pete didn’t respond. His vision tilted, and the contents of the inventory room appeared to slide around like they were going to be dumped out of frame.
“God, it’s true,” Joshua breathed. “I can’t believe it. I was just trying to rile you up, or tease you, or . . . I don’t even know. I can’t believe you’re a—” He cut himself off.
That, for some reason, shook Pete from his stupor. “Say it.”
Joshua looked blankly at him.
“Joshua,” Pete said pointedly.
“Fine!” Joshua turned beet red and averted his gaze. “You’re a porn star!”
Pete was unprepared for the physical reaction that came with hearing someone say it out loud. He’d asked Joshua for it, but now he wanted to flinch away, as if the words were a physical blow.
“This I gotta see.” Joshua moved his thumb to tap the screen.
“You can’t click on it!” Pete screeched. He reached out and snatched Joshua’s phone from his hand. The very idea of Joshua watching his teaser was even more disturbing than what was currently going on.
“Hey, give that back.” Joshua reached for it, but Pete smacked his hand away. Joshua rubbed the back of it, glaring at him resentfully. “Don’t be mad at me. I really didn’t think it was you. This is your fault.”
In so many ways. “Sorry.” The word tumbled out of him on autopilot.
Joshua looked everywhere but at him. “I seriously didn’t know. I thought I’d tease you about your porn double and you’d turn red and yell at me. I thought it’d be funny. And I definitely wasn’t expecting you to go all Terminator on me. I didn’t think you had it in you.” He eyed him up and down. “There’s a lot I didn’t think you had in you.”
Pete managed to say, “I guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
It was a miracle he could speak at all, considering his veins had frozen over. A horror movie was playing out in his head, one where Joshua burst out of the inventory room and announced that Pete was a porn star to the entirety of the Globe, which was suddenly populated by Pete’s mom, professors, friends, pastor, entire high school class, a
nd essentially everyone he’d ever met.
He had to stop that from happening. He had no idea how, but he had to do something.
While he was still stricken, gears were apparently turning in Joshua’s head.
“Wait a minute,” Joshua said, eyes growing large again. “If that was really you, does that mean the other guy was your boyfriend? You’re both in porn?”
“Will you keep your voice down?” Pete hissed.
“That explains it! I knew I’d seen him somewhere before. I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from. Now that I think about it, I’ve seen his . . . um, work.” Joshua wet his lips, and for the first time in Pete’s life, he wanted to hit something.
Oblivious to him, Joshua was already staring off into space, a look of perturbed realization creeping over him. “Oh God, I can just imagine it. Porn star boyfriends. Doing dishes in nothing but yellow gloves. Having sex-toy centerpieces in the living room. Going off to work every day together all, ‘Honey, what are we filming today?’ ‘Well, dear, we’re having another orgy with the Smiths!’ And it would all be so . . . domestic.”
Pete would have facepalmed if he’d had one iota more of his wits about him.
Finally, Joshua seemed to sense his discomfort. “Are you all right?”
“No,” he answered honestly. “I’m really not.”
Joshua shifted from foot to foot. “I wouldn’t have recognized you if you hadn’t freaked out. You look different with, um, clothes on.” He turned vaguely green.
“Yes, I’m painfully aware of that.” Pete’s panic was starting to transform into anger.
Joshua’s eyes had gotten funny-big again, like a cartoon owl. “I don’t know what to say.”
That last sentence hurtled Pete back into reality. Oh God. What was Joshua going to say?
His heart actually skipped a beat. If Joshua told Sana, he could lose his job. They couldn’t expressly fire him for being a sex worker, but they could easily find another reason to justify terminating him. Even if Sana stuck up for him—and he had no idea if she would—it wasn’t her shop. She could be overruled. Or worse, she could agree. He could lose a friend.
Pete’s knees nearly buckled. This was the living hell he’d imagined a hundred times, the vague threat that had loomed over him ever since the first day he’d walked into Murmur Inc., the one he’d feared but had never truly believed would come to pass. He had no idea how to feel. Embarrassed? Betrayed? Did he even have a right to be upset? He’d put himself on the internet for all the world to see. It seemed ridiculous now to think that no one would ever find it.
“Hey,” Joshua prompted, “do you—”
“What are you going to do?” Pete interrupted.
At that, Joshua looked confused. “Uh, nothing?”
Pete stared at him. “What do you mean nothing? You’re not going to tell Sana?”
“Honestly? I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that you, of all people . . .” He shook his head. “Are you sure you don’t have a doppelgänger or something? Because I saw you with my own eyes, and even I think that would be more plausible.” Josh hesitated. “If you did have, you know, an evil twin or something, I’d believe you.”
Pete appreciated the out Joshua was handing him, but it was too late now. “No, I don’t have a twin.”
“Ah. I’m guessing your boyfriend doesn’t either.”
“He’s not my—” Pete cut himself off, making a shoving motion with his hands as if he could push the words away. “Oh, forget it. No, he doesn’t either.”
They lapsed into awkward silence.
Pete scrutinized Joshua out of the corner of his eye. This was the sincerest he’d ever seen Joshua act. Gone were the usual theatrics and his obnoxious attitude. In fact, he looked as embarrassed as Pete felt.
“So,” Pete said slowly, “if you’re really not going to tell anyone, what are you going to do? There’s no way you’re just going to let me off the hook.”
Joshua shrugged. He seemed almost bashful. “I dunno. I might blackmail you a little.”
“Blackmail me?” Pete hissed.
“I said a little! I’m not a criminal mastermind, okay? I’ll probably just make you take the trash out for me or something.”
Pete wanted to laugh, but he was too shocked. Joshua was treating this like a fun prank opportunity. Pete had expected judgment from him, or revulsion, or shame, but he was mostly just staring at Pete like he was seeing him for the first time.
Pete needed to make it clear how serious this was. There was a chance he could convince Joshua not to say anything, but not if Joshua thought this whole thing was a joke.
“If you tell Sana,” Pete said, “I’ll be fired. And I don’t know if they’ll give me a reference or not, so it could hurt my chances of getting another job, which could in turn keep me from paying my tuition. Do you understand?”
There was a tense pause.
Joshua looked down at his sneakers. “I don’t want you to lose your job.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” He nudged a crack in the linoleum with his shoe. “I know I give you a hard time, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” He glanced up, saw Pete watching him, and immediately shifted his gaze back to the floor.
Pete stared at him for a second longer and then nodded. “That’s a relief.”
His pulse returned to a semblance of normalcy now that the immediate danger had passed. He could deal with Joshua knowing. Joshua was not someone who had authority over him. Of all the people who could have found out, it could have been worse. Though he did have a big mouth. What were the chances he’d actually keep this a secret?
He looked at Joshua askance. “That can’t be it, though.”
“Huh?”
“I mean you’re being awfully open-minded about this. Aren’t you disgusted? Scandalized? Something? You just found out your coworker is a porn star. I was expecting some judgment.”
Joshua shrugged again. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really shocked, but I wouldn’t say I judge you for it.” He hesitated. “I was sort of hoping to hear some more about it, though. I’m curious.”
Pete blinked. “Curious?”
“Yeah! Maybe that’s how you can pay me back for not ratting you out. You can tell me all about it.”
“All about . . . porn?” This was not going the way Pete had anticipated.
“Duh. Aren’t you supposed to be smart? I wanna know everything. What’s it like?” Joshua’s energy was suddenly that of an excited kid. It was much more fitting than the serious man who’d been standing before him a moment ago. “Does it pay as well as they say? Are the guys hot? Do you get to have sex with whoever you want? Is that how you met your boyfriend?”
Pete’s head spun from the deluge of questions. “This is not helping my anxiety.” He shook himself off. “And he’s not my boyfriend yet.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Joshua rolled his eyes. “I saw the way you two looked at each other. I’m expecting a Save the Date any day now.”
Pete flushed. “Do you really think—”
“Answer my questions,” Joshua whined. “It’s the least you can do. You made me see you without a shirt on.” He pointed to his phone in Pete’s hand, which had long-since dimmed. “It was traumatic.”
He rolled his eyes. “Your mature reaction sure was short-lived.”
“Whatever. So tell me, do they make you—”
The door suddenly opened, and Pete jumped a solid foot in the air. Sana poked her colorful head in. “What the hell are you two doing in here?”
Pete darted a look at Joshua. He was staring at Pete, as if waiting to follow his lead.
“Um,” Pete scrambled to say. “Nothing.”
He winced. Wrong answer.
“Nothing?” Sana repeated. “Since when do you two goof off together? You don’t even like each other.”
“Oh, we’ve become very close recently.” Joshua looped an arm over Pete’s shoulders.
“One might even say intimate. I discovered that Pete here isn’t as boring as I thought.”
He winked at Pete. It took everything Pete had not to roll his eyes until they popped out of his skull. It was more tact than he’d expected from Joshua, but still nowhere near the realm of subtlety. He was going to have to make one rule clear: no making jokes about this. Ever. Not that he expected Joshua to understand why they weren’t funny.
Pete had just resolved to have a serious talk with him when Sana said the last thing he’d ever expected.
“Oh please, no one cares that Pete’s in porn.” She waved dismissively. “You need to keep your voice down, by the way. I could hear you through the door.”
Pete felt his neutral expression morph into a rictus. Blood rushed into his ears, buzzing so loudly it drowned out thought. He took a step back and felt for the counter, using it to support him as he sucked in a breath that in no way made him less breathless. He stared at Sana, who appeared inexplicably calm despite the shock she’d just delivered.
Was he really going to have to go through this again? After he’d just dodged a goddamn minefield with Joshua?
“What the fuck?” Joshua squawked, almost perfectly echoing Pete’s thoughts. “Could you really hear us?”
“Yeah, and you’re lucky it was me standing out here.” She glared at him. “Imagine if it had been someone who didn’t already know. Now will you please keep your voice down? There are customers out here.” She started to exit, but the complete silence that descended on the room must have stopped her. She turned back around and looked warily between them. “What?”
“You . . .” Pete’s throat closed. He had to dry swallow several times before he could speak again. “You know?”
“Of course I know. And, for the record, I thought you were interesting way before I found out.” She studied his face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you like that. I’ve just known for so long I forgot it was a big deal.”
“How?” His voice was scratchy with panic.
It must have been apparent, because Sana slung an arm around him, steadying his shaking shoulders. “A friend of mine works for Murmur Inc. She turned me on to their LGBTQ section. I get the newsletter and everything. They featured you when you first started working for them, and I thought, ‘Oh hey, that’s Pete,’ and then moved on with my life.” She shrugged. “Seriously, I never gave it much thought. The Globe has antidiscrimination policies, and even if we didn’t, I don’t care. Frankly, no one should.” She glared at Joshua.
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