“Hey, I don’t care,” he whined. “I was just surprised is all. At least I found out by accident. What were you doing watching gay porn?”
“Oh, well clearly I was getting my nails done.” She arched a challenging brow at him. “What the fuck do you think I was doing?”
“But you’re not gay!”
“Go tell that to all the straight men who watch lesbian porn. And, for the record, you have no idea what I am.”
It seemed they were just about to settle in for a round of squabbling when Pete finally found his voice again. “Sana, you haven’t . . . seen my work, have you?” He almost didn’t want to know the answer. He prepared for his head to explode from the pressure of all his blood entering it at once.
“Of course not,” she said. “I knew you wouldn’t want me to.”
“Really?” Joshua piped up. “You didn’t even try to find his videos?”
A new horror occurred to Pete. “You’re not going to, are you?”
“Of course I am.” Joshua winked. “I’m only human.”
Pete experienced something akin to an atomic blast inside his ribs. “You can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s . . .” he struggled with all the reasons he wanted to list before settling on, “totally unprofessional!”
Joshua opened his mouth to argue, but Sana cut in. “Joshua, if you watch any of Pete’s body of work, you’re fired.”
“What? That’s not fair! Besides, how will you know if I watched it?”
“Because there’s no way in Jahannam you’d be able to keep quiet about it. You’d tell someone, and it would get back to me, and then believe me when I say I would take special pleasure in firing you. It would be involved. There might even be props.”
Joshua looked like he’d bitten into a lemon. “Fine. I won’t watch his videos. Even though he put them on the internet for the world to see, and I’m pretty sure this is a violation of my Constitutional right to freedom of speech. Or something.” He glanced at Pete, and his expression mellowed a bit. “I meant what I said too. I won’t tell anyone.”
Pete almost couldn’t believe his luck. “Thank you.”
“But,” he said, expression transforming to one of mischievous delight, “I want all the details later. Deal?”
Pete sighed. He should have known. “Deal.”
Joshua opened his mouth, ostensibly to say more, but Sana cut him off. “Pete and I need to talk. You can go.”
He stalked out of the room, muttering under his breath.
Sana turned to Pete. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” He looked down at his shaking hands. “No.”
“What do you need?
“Some air. I’m gonna take a break. Is that okay?”
“Sure.” She patted him on the back. “This may not be what you want to hear right now, but if it helps, I never cared what you do in your free time. And if Joshua causes any problems for you, he’s out.”
“Is that really fair though?” Pete asked quietly. “I mean, I’m the one who . . . did what I did. Wouldn’t it make more sense to get rid of the source? What if someone else stumbles upon my ‘secret’?”
“Then we’ll deal with it. You’re not going to lose your job over this, end of story. You’ve always been great to work with, and you’re not the one who brought your personal life into the shop. If anyone else chooses to, they do so at their own peril. Although, I honestly don’t think it’s going to be a problem. Try not to stress, okay?”
“Okay.”
They walked out of the room together. Joshua was by the sink, scouring a plate with more force than necessary, but when he met Pete’s gaze, he nodded at him.
Pete nodded back. He headed for the side door, already riffling in his pockets for his cigarettes. He stepped out into the brisk air and was grateful for once for its biting clarity. The sun was still high in a winter-blue sky, and the few people on the streets were buried in heavy jackets and earphones. No one was paying the slightest attention to him.
He stuck a cigarette in his mouth, made a little cave around it with his hand, and lit it. He had his phone out before he’d gotten through his first exhale. Evan’s name was at the top of his recent calls.
It only rang once before he answered. “Hey! I thought you were at work?”
Anxiety descended on him like a swarm. He wet his dry lips and tried to speak but couldn’t find the words.
“Pete? What’s wrong? Are you all right?”
He took another drag on his cigarette, exhaled slowly, and ordered himself to calm down. He was fine. Everything was fine.
“I’m fine,” he repeated out loud. “Sorry about that. I’m just kind of freaked out.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. That’s the thing.”
Evan laughed, and the sound was like a balm on Pete’s frayed nerves. “I’m going to need you to be a touch less cryptic.”
“Sorry.” He took a breath, sans cigarette, and let it out sharply. “My coworker, Joshua, saw a promo for Heat Wave.”
Evan gasped. “Let me guess. Something about it looked familiar.”
“Yup.”
“Wow, no wonder you sounded so freaked out. What happened?”
Pete filled him in. The recap took less than five minutes and helped put the situation in perspective for him. Really, very little had happened, and it had gone as well as it possibly could. By the end of it, his hands had stopped shaking.
“Your coworker is a jerk,” was the first thing Evan said when he’d finished. “I can’t believe he confronted you at your job. What if Sana hadn’t been cool? What if a customer had overheard, or another employee?”
“I agree, though I think Joshua honestly didn’t think it was me. And, in his weird way, he’s already apologized.”
“Good.” Evan paused. “You could always quit, you know.”
“Why would I do that?”
“You did just get outed. I don’t think anyone would blame you.”
Pete considered it for a moment. “It’s going to take me a while to get used to the idea that they know, but no, I’m not going to quit. Though I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“You think it will? Sana made it pretty clear she’s got your back.”
“I don’t know. I’ve had this apocalyptic fever dream in my head for over a year now where someone I know finds out I’m in porn, and it ruins my life. Like, snubbed by my loved ones, exiled from my home, barred from all future jobs. That sort of thing. It’s really hard for me to believe that people know—have known all along even—and completely don’t care.”
“It’s not hard for me to believe, if it’s any consolation.”
“Well, yeah, you’re out. Obviously you’re fine with it.”
Evan chuckled. “I meant it’s not hard for me to believe your friends stuck by you. People can be surprisingly tolerant, especially when faced with a real person. It’s one thing to judge faceless sex workers you’ll never meet, but when it’s someone you love, it’s different. Especially when that someone happens to be a smart, caring, funny, and totally gorgeous man named Pete.”
Pete ducked his head down, even though Evan couldn’t see him. “That’s sweet.” He paused for a beat while he gathered his thoughts. “Maybe . . . maybe I’ve been doing this to myself all these years.”
“What do you mean?”
“What if you’re right? And everyone I know would love me anyway if they found out? What if this whole persecution complex is just something I made up in my head? It’s dawning on me that I might have been building this up into a much bigger thing, and if I’d just had faith in the people I claim to love the most, I could have saved myself a lot of angst.”
Pete took a breath. Just saying that out loud gave him a strange sense of relief.
“I think that’s partially true,” Evan said evenly, “but I also think there are a lot of people out there who are small-minded bigots. I deal with them every day because of
my choice to be out, and sometimes, it’s downright ugly. I don’t think the consequences you’ve been imagining are totally made up, but I do think that one day, if you were to tell your loved ones, you’d be surprised by how many allies you have.”
“You’re amazing.” Pete smiled broadly. “What would I do without you?”
“You’ll never find out.”
He nearly choked on his cigarette at that and let it drop to the sidewalk, then crushed it beneath his shoe. “I . . . I should go back in.” He liked to think he’d come a long way in the short time he’d known Evan, but his replies still needed some work.
“Sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah. The way I see it, I just have to rework my hypothesis.”
“Come again?”
“Sorry, nerd talk. I was operating under the theory that if people found out about what I do, they’d reject me. Well, people found out, and that didn’t happen, so that means I have to go back and rework my hypothesis and start again.”
“Maybe your mom can be your next test subject.”
Pete’s anxiety returned in near full force. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to tell her.”
“Maybe not right now, but think about this: pretty soon, I’m going to meet her, and she’s bound to ask how we know each other. What are we going to say?”
Pete stopped with his hand inches from the door handle. “I don’t know.”
“There are only a few options. Are we going to lie to her face? Make up some bullshit story? That’s a question all couples get. Are we going to lie for the rest of our lives? Or what if it’s years from now, and we’re married or something, and people ask what your husband does for a living. What are you going to say? I have no intention of spending the rest of my life pretending to be someone I’m not.”
Pete’s brain had stopped somewhere around married and was now desperately trying to reboot. Bits and pieces of what Evan had said managed to seep in through the white noise. He was right: they couldn’t lie forever, and considering how important it was to Evan that he be upfront about himself, Pete doubted he’d deal with lies for long.
Pete had to pose an important question to himself: was being with Evan more important than his privacy? Could he trust the people in his life to accept Evan? And perhaps accept Pete as well?
The answer was shockingly simple: yes.
Evan was precisely the man he could see himself being brave for. It might not be today, but if they could really have the future together that Evan saw for them, Pete could do anything. A sensation akin to lightning shot through Pete and made his limbs tingle. It was as if some sort of knotted-up energy inside him had been released.
“I want to see you tonight,” Pete said suddenly. “There’s something I want to tell you.”
Pete had never been one for grand gestures, but the moment he resolved to tell Evan he loved him, he knew he wanted to do something special.
But how would Evan want to be told?
There was a park near his house that had a beautiful lake surrounded by old-fashioned streetlamps. They could go for a walk, and he could tell him by the water, with the lights glittering off the surface. But it was freezing outside, and the lights were off as often as they were on. Professing his love while shivering in the dark sounded more creepy than romantic.
He could take him to a bookstore. Pete shook his head to himself as he finished cleaning up the Globe and got ready to go home. That was where he would want to be taken. Were there any comic book shops around? Probably, but there were sure to be other people there, and as accustomed as Pete was to performing in front of an audience, he’d rather this be more private. Dinner? It was nearly nine, and by the time he got home, it’d be even later. The chances that Evan hadn’t eaten already were slim to none.
Pete riffled through a mental catalog of possibilities, but nothing seemed quite right for both of them. He was still trying to come up with something when he got home. He’d thought he’d ask his mom for ideas, but as soon as he walked through the door, he found a note on the counter saying she was at the movies with her girlfriends.
He crumpled it up and shot it at the kitchen trash, missing by about a foot. As he bent to retrieve it, he thought that he was glad she’d gotten a night off, almost as glad as he was to have the house to himself. He could ask Evan if he wanted to stay in tonight. Was that too boring?
Pete mulled it over as he darted upstairs. He’d texted Evan his address earlier and told him to come over right at nine thirty. He’d arrive any minute, which meant Pete didn’t have much time to get dressed and make a decision. He threw on the outfit he’d been planning in his head since that afternoon: jeans and a black sweater. It wasn’t much, but he hoped Evan would appreciate his attempt.
He was just jamming impatient fingers through his unruly hair when the doorbell rang. It was time. He raced downstairs to the beat of his fluttering heart and flung the front door open. Evan was on the other side, looking delectable as always with his tousled hair and cheeks nibbled pink by the chill.
“Hey,” Pete greeted him. “How are—”
Evan crossed the threshold and kissed the words from his lips. Pete closed his eyes and melded into him, sliding his arms around his neck. Evan shuffled them inside and kicked the door shut behind them. He leaned back against it and pulled Pete tightly to him. Any desire Pete had to go anywhere that night evaporated.
Evan gave Pete one more deep, lingering kiss before he pressed their foreheads together and breathed, “Hey.”
“Wow,” Pete murmured, dazed. “You’re lucky my mom isn’t home.”
“Would she kick me out?”
“No, but I might spontaneously combust from embarrassment.”
“Huh. Well, having a fire would be more romantic.”
Chuckling, Pete wriggled out of his grasp. “Come on. I’ll show you my room.”
“Taking a boy upstairs while your mom’s not home?” Evan purred. “What will the neighbors think?”
“They’ll think I’m really gay, which is what they thought before. Hurry up.”
Evan took his shoes off by the door, and Pete led the way upstairs. They only made it halfway up before Evan declared that Pete was moving his ass like that on purpose and pounced on him. Several minutes later, Pete asked Evan if he had any theories as to what Pete’s room was like. As predicted, curiosity was the only thing that could distract Evan from sex.
Pete opened his door and led Evan in by the hand. Evan whistled as he entered the room, eyes shooting straight to Pete’s bookshelf. “This isn’t what I pictured, and yet it’s exactly what I pictured.”
“How so?” Pete tried not to fidget.
Evan laughed. “I don’t know. I think I almost expected an actual library. I knew there would be books. Lots and lots of books, both text and fictional. And I expected it to be messy, because smart people are always messy.”
“Are they?”
“Oh yeah. Everyone who’s truly brilliant knows there’s no point to making your bed if you’re just going to get in it again.”
Pete snorted. “That’s exactly what I tell my mom. Like, verbatim.”
Evan laced their fingers together. “I knew it. So, where are we going tonight?”
“I came up with a few ideas, but nothing solid. Do you have a preference?”
“Just one.” He sat on Pete’s bed and used their joined hands to tug him over. “We could stay in. I’m sure we can find some way to entertain ourselves.” He waggled his eyebrows.
Pete smiled. “Sounds good to me.”
Evan reached up and touched his chin, silently asking for another kiss. Pete stood between his legs and leaned down to give it to him. The first brush of Evan’s skin against his gave him a familiar rush. He wondered if that would ever stop, or if he’d spend the rest of his life being slightly out of breath whenever Evan was near.
It was amazing to think how quickly their relationship had developed. Just weeks ago, Pete had wondered if Evan even wan
ted to kiss him. Now he took the opportunity to do so whenever possible. Thinking about it strengthened his resolve: it was time to tell Evan how he felt.
Before the kiss could deepen, Pete pulled away. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Oh?” Evan leaned back on the mattress, propping himself up on his elbows. “What’s that?”
Pete’s eyes slid down his body, and for a moment, he completely forgot what he was going to say. He had to look away before he remembered. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About us.”
Evan sat up, concern tightening his brow. “Because of what happened at your job?”
“No, not at all. Well, I mean, kind of because of that, but not really. I just, uh . . .” He trailed off, uncertain of how he wanted to begin. He should have rehearsed this ahead of time. Or would it be worse if he sounded rehearsed? God, he sucked at this.
“You seem nervous.” Evan eyed him. “You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”
“What?” Pete screeched. “No!”
“Then what? Are you going to propose?”
For a full five seconds, Pete lost the ability to speak English. He had to rely on his one year of high school Spanish in order to reply, “No.”
“Good.” Evan laughed. “Just making sure. It’s a bit early for that.”
A bit early. Pete filed that away to fret about on some night when he really needed to sleep. “Just bear with me while I try to get this out without falling all over myself. I’ve been thinking about how far we’ve come in these past few weeks. We got off to a bit of a bumpy start, mostly thanks to me, and I think that you’ve, um—” He struggled to think of the right word. Inspired? Too cheesy. Influenced? That sounded kinda sinister. He settled on, “Changed me.”
That was apparently the wrong choice, because Evan looked mildly alarmed. “That wasn’t my intention. I like you just how you are. I don’t want you to change at all.”
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