Close Ups and Mess Ups

by Natasha West

  ‘You told me that Ashley had an affair with Jack and that’s why he lost it. That’s what you said, right?’ I said quietly, not wanting to be overheard.

  Cameron nodded but she looked nervous.

  ‘I just met Jack. He barely knew who Ashley was.’

  Cameron took a long swig of her drink while I waited. She was stalling. Any hope I had that this was all just a mix-up drained away by the second.

  Finally, there was nothing left in Cameron’s glass and she glanced at me and said, ‘I need a refill’ turning toward the bar. But I wasn’t letting her get away that easily. ‘Cam, don’t you dare run off.’

  She did as she was told and turned back to face me. ‘Look, I did it for your own good.’

  I looked at her, horrified. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Everyone was fooled by her whole… thing’ Cameron said, bitterly. ‘And I liked you. I wanted to be with you and she was getting in the way. In our way. And look at what we did together? We made a great movie. That never would have happened if I hadn’t showed you the kind of person she is.’

  ‘But you didn’t show me anything. You lied.’

  ‘Sure,’ she said irritability, ‘I lied’ she complained, doing air quotes around the word that apparently offended her. ‘But that’s what writers do. They tell the truth with a lie. What I told you wasn’t true, fine, but the essence was true. She’d have chewed you up and spit you out.’

  ‘And what will you do instead’ I asked, bewildered. Cameron shook her head at me and looked around at the crowd. ‘It’s not the time’ she muttered.

  ‘You told me a lie because she was getting in the way of us being together, that’s what you’re telling me?’ I asked Cameron, trying not to lose it. I couldn’t afford to, I needed answers beyond the ones I was starting to fill in for myself. ‘But she didn’t get in the way, did she? I mean, you had your shot and you didn’t actually want it. In fact, you didn’t want me until someone else had me. You told me all that shit just because someone took your toy away.’

  ‘Allie, you’ve got it all wrong’ she told me, rolling her eyes at me. ‘You’re being silly’ she told me firmly. But silly was the last thing I was being right now. It was like someone had turned on a light and my head was straighter than it had been in a while. Cameron wasn’t the shy sensitive girl who couldn’t tell me how she felt because she was scared. That was just the disguise she used to get what she wanted, whether that was sex, attention or a leg up on the competition, by playing the girl who needed to be rescued. And I was the sucker who’d come when called, every time.

  Who she truly was was the girl who’d coldly said, ‘See yourself out’ after we slept together. How had she made me forget that girl? How had she made me think she was anything but a person who would use me up and in her own words, spit me out?

  ‘Nope, I’m seeing everything for what it is’ I told her, turning to leave.

  ‘Is that so?’ Cameron said, and I could tell she wasn’t interested in getting my forgiveness anymore. She was angry now. ‘You want to tell me that you’re not exactly the same as me? I heard what you did on that set. You were more than happy to tear that woman down in front of everyone. Because your priority isn’t being a nice person, it’s getting what you want.’

  ‘That’s not the same’ I told her forcefully.

  She looked at me for the longest moment and then she sniggered at me, the snigger turning to a cackle. It was horrible. It made me want to scream. Instead, I just said, ‘See you around Cam’ and walked away. I heard her call to me, ‘When you’ve stopped being a child, call me’ but I didn’t look back. I headed up the stairs, out of the foyer, out of the building. I wiped a tear as I went but I swore to myself that there wouldn’t be another, not for Cameron.

  I wanted to go home, climb into bed and stay under the covers until this feeling passed, a feeling I couldn’t name. Was it heartbreak that me and Cameron had blown up in my face? I was hurt but it wasn’t that. Maybe it was embarrassment at having ignored the truth sitting right under my nose this whole time? That was closer to it, but it wasn’t all of it.

  I needn’t have worried about figuring it out. It turned out I didn’t need to. Because when I got out to the carpark, I walked into something that spelled out precisely what was at the core of my unrest.

  Out in the near dark, I saw Kim. She was having an argument with someone. It was strange, she looked different. I couldn’t figure out what it was that didn’t look right about her and then it hit me. She looked scared. But who the hell could scare Kim?

  As I got closer, I saw that it was Jack Jarvis.

  ‘Jack, I can get you back in’ Kim was saying to Jack, a tone of begging in her voice.

  ‘I don’t want to come back’ he told her calmly. ‘So you’ve got nothing to buy me off with.’

  ‘I’m not trying to buy you off’ she stuttered. ‘I’m trying to make it up to you.’

  Jack gave a sarcastic laugh. ‘Bullshit. My mum’s left him now, so I’ve got no reason to keep my mouth shut.’

  ‘I’ll get the sack!’ Kim cried.

  ‘I fucking hope so’ Jack told her happily. ‘You shouldn’t get the chance to torture anymore students just to keep your filthy secrets from coming out.’

  ‘That’s not what I was doing. I was just trying to help you get out of your Dad’s shadow.’

  ‘You were trying to get me to give you an excuse to kick me out so I wouldn’t spill it to the school and ruin your rep’ Jack told her calmly. ‘I’ve had a long time to think about this and I know that now.’

  ‘Then why did I even let you in the first place?’

  ‘I presume he asked? Kind of stupid of him seeing as how I ended up finding the pair of you going at it in your office on my first day, wasn’t it?

  Kim looked down. And then she muttered darkly. ‘It wasn’t what you thought. We were ending it.’

  ‘That’s not what it looked like to me.’

  ‘It was… a goodbye.’

  Jack didn’t say anything to that and Kim seemed to think she had him on the ropes and she stepped closer, her tone appeasing. ‘You tell the dean and it’ll all come out’ Kim warned him. ‘Your Dad will be disgraced, it’ll be a scandal.’

  Jack looked Kim in the eye and he straightened up. ‘I’ve already told the dean. I just wanted to tell you to your face that you’re fucked.’ And he turned and walked toward the school, presumably to re-join the party. Kim watched him walk away and then shouted, ‘Fuck!’ at the sky.

  Jack passed me in the doorway. ‘Evening’ he said with a grin. I turned to watch him go in. He looked light, a man free of something.

  I couldn’t take anymore, I had to get out of there without Kim realising I’d seen the whole thing. But Kim was now wrestling with her Jag, trying to get the door open. She looked ready to kill someone. I tried to creep past without her seeing me, but I accidently kicked a piece of gravel and it pinged off the ground, a metre from Kim. Her head spun around and she saw me, mid-creep. I straightened up, trying to be casual. ‘Night Kim’ I said, striding quickly.

  ‘Wait’ she called, and I froze. I didn’t know what to say to her. I’d just heard everything. All skeletons were out.

  ‘I just want to give you one last piece of advice before I leave this shit hole’ she said, her voice shaking with anger.

  ‘I don’t… I’ve kind of got to go’ I stuttered. I was scared. Kim was right in the middle of her life exploding and right now, I was standing far closer to the blast site than I wanted to be.

  ‘Allie, I think you can spare me a minute, considering the time I’ve taken to teach you what it takes to make it on the other side of that gate.’

  So I stood, waiting to hear what she had to say. And it was this, ‘Don’t think anyone’s on your side, ever. That’s all. That’s my last lesson to you.’

  I took a moment to think about her words. Was it that simple? Look at how Cameron had used me, she was everything Kim had been trying to show me from day
one and I hadn’t even seen it coming. Zara was like that too, fucking with Mike for entertainment. And Jonny talked to everybody as though they were shit on the bottom of his shoe, no doubt causing them to wonder if that’s all they were.

  But then I thought of other people. Victor, introducing me to Rose Perry. In return, I’d used him as a prop to control Lyla Martin. Janey, taking me under her wing, giving me friendship for no other reason than kindness. And yet, I’d thought badly of her, imagined her to be a cheater.

  And Robbie, the person who’d had my back for the whole of his life, who’d only ever wanted the best for me. He’d tried warning me, tried to tell me to hold onto the person I’d been before Kim got her claws into me, someone who didn’t play games. I hadn’t spoke to him in months. His friendship was the thing that mattered most to me and I’d casually tossed it aside when it got in my way.

  Who was I now? Was I like Kim? If I was, then I was getting a taste of my future, watching her crawl out into the night, every chicken she’d ever hatched coming home to roost. Her way… This was what it made you. A piece of shit.

  ‘You know what Kim?’ I said, heaving a deep sigh, ‘I think you’re totally fucking full of it.’

  She smiled as though I’d said something funny. ‘You reckon?’

  ‘Yeah. That’s why you’re here instead of out in the world you keep trying to prepare me for. But still, thanks for the lesson. I definitely learned a thing or two this year’ I told her. I turned, headed for the gate.

  ‘You made a good movie’ she shouted to me. ‘That’s all you should think about. Everything else comes and goes. But a movie is forever.’

  ‘Fuck movies’ I cried as I broke into a run, needing to get away from Kim, the school, Cameron. Tears slipped down my face as I ran, cold on my cheek.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I walked down the street, heading home, my head in bits. As I paced through the darkness, I made a vow to myself, another one. It wasn’t like my chastity vow, it was far bigger and further reaching. I’d decided I didn’t want to make movies anymore.

  It felt like the right choice. That passion I’d had since I could remember was now poisoned and I didn’t imagine there was any way to suck it out of the wound. It went too deep.

  Part of it was shame. I’d let myself get swayed by Kim’s messed up world view far too easily and now I knew what she was, what I’d been. Not to mention how I’d let Cameron play me. If this was how it was at film school, the outside world could only be the same. I couldn’t be in that world. I was too weak.

  As I walked, I wondered if it was too late to simply throw my stuff in a bag and get on a train home. I could go straight to my Dad’s house, let myself in and go straight to my old bedroom. In the morning, I could get up and go see Robbie, beg for his forgiveness. And then hit the internet, looking for any crappy job that would have me. The fantasy was over. It was time to wake up and get on with real life. I could email Rose Perry and tell her I wouldn’t be taking the job. She probably wouldn’t care either way.

  I was mapping all this out when I realised I was really hungry. I’d forgotten to eat today, too excited by the showcase. That felt like a million years ago now. I turned the corner, headed for the chip shop near my house.

  I walked in and went to the counter, but before I could say ‘Chips, please. Loads of salt and vinegar.’ Someone said, ‘We must stop meeting like this.’ I recognised that sultry voice right away. ‘Ashley!’ I exclaimed, truly shocked. I’d been imagining that I’d probably never see her again. Yet here she was, ordering chips, same as me.

  She looked over at me with that laid-back smile, ‘Can’t seem to get away from you tonight.’ I couldn’t believe how pleased I was to see her. I had a million things to say. But I didn’t know where to start. She didn’t know about the lies Cameron had told me. And what if she had? Telling her I swallowed everything I’d been fed didn’t make me look any better. I was a shit either way.

  So instead of launching into some rambling apology, I just said, ‘So that’s film school done. What are you going to do next?’

  ‘I’ve actually got my first job lined up. Assistant set designer on a TV show.’

  ‘That’s great’ I said, genuinely. It was the first step on what could only be a great career for Ashley and I wanted that for her. She deserved it.

  ‘Thanks. How about you?’

  I could have bragged up my Rose Perry job, pretended I still wanted this. But what was the point in bullshitting anymore?

  ‘Probably gonna give it up. Go home and get a normal job.’

  Ashley’s eyes widened in dismay. ‘But you just made a fucking cool horror movie! You should be entering it into festivals, letting people offer you loads of different opportunities.’

  ‘You liked the film?’ I asked. ‘I mean, obviously you made it look great, but I didn’t know you actually liked it.’

  ‘Well, I did. You did a good job.’

  ‘What, by humiliating my lead actress in front of everyone on the set?’ I asked her wryly. She’d been there for the whole thing, she knew precisely what I’d done.

  She made a face and I thought she was going to condemn me. But she said, ‘I’ve been meaning to ask… Why did you do that? It didn’t seem like you.’

  I was touched by her willingness to think the incident was out of character, considering how I’d treated her. ‘Because Kim told me to and like a good little drone, I did what she said’ I shrugged.

  ‘Is that why you’re giving up? Because you had a bad teacher?’

  ‘Amongst other things’ I said

  ‘That’s a shame. Waste of talent.’

  ‘There’s worse things to waste’ I said, before realising it had come out of my mouth. But then it was out so I thought, in for a penny… ‘I liked you, you know’ I told her.

  ‘Is that why you broke it off? For Cameron?’

  I deserved that. And she deserved the truth. ‘I worried that you were a heartbreaker. So I chose someone that was a lot worse than that.’

  Ashley said nothing for a moment and I knew I’d embarrassed myself. But I didn’t care. I needed to be honest with her. She looked around at the chip shop, a man preparing fish for the late-night rush was pretending he couldn’t hear us. ‘I can’t believe I said Cameron was a downgrade’ she said with a shake of her head. ‘That was cunty.’

  ‘She was a downgrade’ I told Ashley. ‘You were right. I didn’t see it before.’

  Ashley looked down at the floor for the longest moment and then she looked up at me. ‘I liked you too.’ I didn’t know what to say to that. But Ashley wasn’t finished. ‘I was really hurt when I saw you kissing Cameron outside the theatre. I came to support you that night, did you know that?’

  ‘You did?’ I asked, floored.

  ‘Yeah. I was...’ she sighed, embarrassed. ‘I was going to ask you out, take you on a real date. But that’s not what people think when they see me, is it? They don’t think girlfriend material, they just see someone they wanna take their clothes off with’ she told me sadly.

  ‘That’s not what I wanted from you!’ I exclaimed. ‘Or, that’s not all I wanted from you’ I clarified. She had it kind of right, I had tried to keep things physical. But not because I hadn’t wanted more. I’d fucked it up because I’d been all over the place and I hadn’t seen, yet again, what was right in front of me. I’d been too busy getting sucked into Cameron’s bullshit to see the truth. Ashley wasn’t just a pretty face. She was complex. She was special. She was the one I should have been with all along.

  She laughed. ‘So why didn’t you want me to meet your brother?’

  As this night went on, my idiocy had been fully revealed to me. I was about ready to crawl into a hole and never come out again. But before I did that, I had to find out if it wasn’t too late to correct at least one mistake.

  I dropped to my knees and clapped my hands together in a begging position as Ashley watched in shock. ‘Ashley Douglas!’ I cried. ‘Would you please
give me another chance and let me take you out on a date?’

  I braced myself for the worst. Ashley looked over to the see the guy behind the chip counter looking on in interest. ‘So, you gonna give her a shot or what?’ he asked Ashley. She looked from me to him and back again. She smiled and grabbed hold of my hands, pulling me to my feet. ‘I might consider it, but I have to ask for something in return.’

  Caveats and quid pro quos, my life seemed full of them. But hers wasn’t selfish. ‘You can’t give up on filmmaking.’

  ‘Ashley, that’s nice but you don’t know… You don’t know what doing this has turned me into. I don’t want to be that anymore. I just want to be the kind of girl that deserves someone like you’ I told her sincerely.