Ange Pitou

by Alexandre Dumas

  Pitou went from the garden into the courtyard; and it was only then that he heard the heavy footsteps of the abbé.

  The worthy professor was reading the newspaper as he came downstairs. His faithful cat-o'-nine tails was, as usual, hanging by his side.

  With his nose close to the newspaper—for he knew by heart the number of steps and every inequality in the wall of his old house—the abbé almost ran against Ange Pitou, who had assumed the most majestic air he could put on, in order to contend with his political antagonist.

  But we must first of all say a few words as to the position of the Abbé Fortier, which might have appeared tedious in any other page, but which here find their natural place.

  They will explain how it was that the thirty or forty muskets which have been so much talked about happened to be in-the Abbé Fortier's charge,—which muskets had become the object of the ambition of Pitou, and of his two accomplices, Claude and Désiré.

  The Abbé Fortier, who had formerly been the almoner or sub-almoner of the château, as we have already had occasion to explain elsewhere, had, in course of time, and above all, with that patient fixity of ideas inherent in ecclesiastics, become sole intendant of what in theatrical language is called the properties of the château.

  Besides the sacred vases, besides the library, he had received in charge all the hunting apparatus of the Duke of Orléans, Louis Philippe, the father of Philippe, who was afterwards called Égalité. Some of this apparatus had been in the family as far back as the reigns of Louis XIII. and Henri III. All these articles had been artistically arranged by him in one of the galleries of the chateau, which had been allotted to him for this express purpose. In order to give them a more picturesque appearance, he had formed them into stars, the centre being shields, surrounded by boar-spears, hunting-knives, and short muskets, richly inlaid, and manufactured during the time of the League.

  The door of this gallery was formidably defended by two small cannon of plated bronze, given by Louis XIV. to his brother, Monsieur.

  Besides these, there were about fifty musketoons, brought as trophies by Joseph Philippe from the battle of Ushant, and presented by him to the municipality of Villers-Cotterets; and the municipality, as we have said, having furnished the Abbé Fortier with a house free of rent, had placed these muskets, not knowing what to do with them, in the collegiate house.

  Such was the treasure guarded by the Dragon, named Fortier, and threatened by the Jason, named Ange Pitou.

  The little arsenal of the château was sufficiently celebrated in the country to make people desire to obtain possession of it at little cost.

  But, as we have said, the abbé, being a vigilant Dragon, did not appear disposed willingly to give up, to any Jason whatsoever, the golden apples which his Hesperides contained.

  Having said this much, let us return to Pitou.

  He very gracefully bowed to the Abbé Fortier, accompanying his bow with a slight cough, such as we use to attract the attention of persons who are naturally absent, or who are preoccupied.

  The Abbé Fortier raised his nose from the newspaper.

  "Well, I declare," said he, "'t is Pitou."

  "To serve you, should I be capable of doing so," courteously replied Ange.

  The abbé folded up his newspaper, or rather closed it as he would have done a portfolio, for in those happy days the newspapers were still small pamphlets.

  Then, having folded up his paper, he stuck it into his belt on the opposite side to his cat-o'-nine-tails.

  "Ah, yes! but in that lies the misfortune," replied the abbé, jeeringly, "seeing that you are not capable."

  "Oh, most worthy abbé."

  "Do you hear me, Mr. Hypocrite?"

  "Oh, good abbé!"

  "Do you hear me, Mr. Revolutionist?"

  "Come now, this is good; for before I have spoken even a single word, you get into a passion with me. This is but a bad beginning, Abbé."

  Sebastien—who well knew what the Abbé Fortier had, for the last two days, been saying to every one who came near him about Pitou, and thinking it better not to be present during the quarrel which must necessarily ensue between his schoolmaster and his friend—stole away as quickly as he could.

  Pitou observed Sebastien's escape with a certain degree of sorrow. He was not a very vigorous ally, but he was a youth of the same political communion with himself.

  And therefore, when he perceived him stepping through the door, he could not avoid uttering a sigh; then turning to the abbé:—

  "Come now, Monsieur Fortier," said he, "why do you call me a Revolutionist? Would you insinuate that I am the cause of the Revolution?"

  "You have lived with those who are carrying it on."

  "Good Monsieur Abbé," said Pitou, with supreme dignity, "the thoughts of every man are free."

  "Ah! indeed."

  "Est penes hominem arbitrium et ratio."

  "Why, really," cried the abbé, "you know Latin, then, you clown?"

  "I know what you taught me of it," modestly replied Pitou.

  "Yes, revised, corrected, augmented, and embellished with barbarisms."

  "Good again, Monsieur Abbé,—barbarisms! and who is there who does not commit them?"

  "Vile fellow!" cried the abbé, evidently wounded by this apparent tendency of Pitou to generalize. "What! do you believe that I am guilty of barbarisms?"

  "You would commit them in the eyes of a man who was a better Latin scholar than yourself."

  "Only hear that!" cried the abbé, turning pale with anger, and yet struck with the reasoning, which was not devoid of point.

  Then, in a melancholy tone:—

  "There, in two words, is the system of these vile wretches; they destroy and degrade, and who profits by it? They know not even themselves; it is to the profit of the unknown. Come now, Monsieur Dunce, speak out freely; do you know any one who is a better Latin scholar than I am?"

  "No; but there may be many, although I do not know them,—I do not know everything."

  "Zounds! I believe you."

  Pitou made the sign of the cross.

  "What are you doing there, libertine?"

  "You swore, Monsieur Abbé, and I crossed myself."

  "Why, rascal, have you come here to tympanize me?"

  "To tympanize you!" repeated Pitou.

  "Ah, good; now again you do not comprehend—"

  "Oh, yes! I understand it well enough. Ah! thanks to you, I know the roots of words—tympanize—tympanum—drum; it comes from the Greek tympanon, drum or bell."

  The abbé appeared perfectly astounded.

  "Root, typos, mark, vestige; and as Lancelot says in his Garden of Greek Roots, typos, the form which impresses itself, which word evidently comes from tupto, strike. There you have it."

  "Ah! ah! rascallion!" cried the abbé, more and more dumfounded. "It seems that you yet know something, even what you did not know."

  "Pooh!" ejaculated Pitou, with affected modesty.

  "How did it happen that during the whole time you were with me, you could not answer me as you have now done?"

  "Because, during the time I was with you, Abbé Fortier, you brutalized me; because, by your despotism you repelled my intelligence, imprisoned within my memory all that liberty has since brought forth from it. Yes, liberty," continued Pitou, becoming more energetic as he proceeded; "do you hear me?—liberty!"

  "Ah! rascal!"

  "Monsieur Professor," said Pitou, with an air which was not exempt from threat,—"Monsieur Professor, do not insult me. Contumelia non argumentum, says an orator; insult is not reasoning."

  "I think that the fellow," cried the abbé, in great fury,—"I think that the fellow imagines it necessary to translate his Latin to me."

  "It is not my Latin, Monsieur Abbé; it is Cicero's,—that is to say, the Latin of a man who assuredly would have thought that you made as many barbarisms in comparison with him as I do in comparison with you."

  "You do not expect, I hope," cried the Abbé Fo
rtier, somewhat shaken on his pedestal,—"you do not expect, I hope, that I should discuss with you?"

  "And why not? If from the discussion light is to proceed, abstrusa in venis silicis."

  "How! how!" exclaimed the Abbé Fortier; "why, really, the fellow has been in the Revolutionary school."

  "How can that be, since you yourself have said that the Revolutionists are fools and ignoramuses?"

  "Yes, I do say so."

  "Then you are making a false reasoning, my worthy abbé, and your syllogism is badly founded."

  "Badly founded! What say you? I have badly founded a syllogism?"

  "Undoubtedly, Monsieur l'Abbé. Pitou reasons and speaks well; Pitou has been to the Revolutionary school,—the Revolutionists consequently reason and speak well. There is no getting out of that."

  "Animal! brute! simpleton!"

  "Do not molest me by your words, Monsieur Abbé. Objurgatio imbellem animum arguit, weakness betrays itself by anger."

  The abbé shrugged his shoulders.

  "Answer me," said Pitou.

  "You say that the Revolutionists speak well and reason well. But tell me the name of any one of those wretches who knows how to read and write."

  "That is blinking the point in discussion; but I will answer you, nevertheless. I can read and write," cried Pitou, with assurance.

  "Read; I will admit that,—and yet I know not,-but as to writing—"

  "Writing!" cried Pitou.

  "Yes, you can write; but without orthography."

  "That is to be seen."

  "Will you lay a wager that you will write a page under my dictation without making four blunders?"

  "Will you lay a wager, you, that you will write half a page under my dictation without making two?"

  "Oh! that, for example—"

  "Well, let us to work. I will pick you out some participles and reflective verbs. I will season you up all these with a certain number of that's which I know of; I accept the wager."

  "If I had time," said the abbé.

  "You would lose."

  "Pitou! Pitou! remember the proverb, Pitoueus Angelus asinus est."

  "Pooh! proverbs!—there are proverbs made for everybody. Do you know the one which was sung into my ears by the reeds of the Wualu as I passed by them?"

  "No; but I should be curious to know it, Master Midas."

  "Fortierus Abbas forte fortis."

  "Sir!" exclaimed the abbé.

  "A free translation; the Abbé Fortier is not in his forte every day."

  "Fortunately," said the abbé, "accusing is of slight importance; it is the proof that condemns."

  "Alas! good Monsieur Abbé, that would be perfectly easy; let us see, what do you teach your pupils?"

  "Why—"

  "Allow me to follow up the argument. What do you teach your pupils?"

  "Why, what I know."

  "Good! remember that your answer was, 'What I know.'

  "Well, yes, what I know," said the abbé, somewhat shaken; for he felt that during his absence this singular combatant had learned some unknown thrusts. "Yes, I did say so; and what then?"

  "Well, then, since you teach your pupils what you know, tell me what it is that you do know?"

  "Latin, French, Greek, history, geography, arithmetic, algebra, astronomy, botany, and numismatics—"

  "Anything more?" inquired Pitou.

  "Why—"

  "Try to find something else."

  "Drawing."

  "Go on."

  "Architecture."

  "Go on."

  "Mechanics."

  "A branch of mathematics—but that matters not; go on."

  "But tell me, what are you aiming at?"

  "Simply at this: you have stated pretty largely the account of what you do know; now state the account of what you do not know."

  The abbé shuddered.

  "Ah!" said Pitou, "I clearly see that to do this I must assist you; well, then, you do not know either German or Hebrew or Arabic or Sanscrit—four mother languages. I speak not of the sub-divisions, which are innumerable. You know nothing of natural history, of chemistry, of physics—"

  "Monsieur Pitou—"

  "Do not interrupt me: you know nothing of rectilinear trigonometry; you are ignorant of medicine; you know nothing of acoustics, of navigation; you are ignorant of everything that regards the gymnastic sciences."

  "What say you?"

  "I said gymnastics, from the Greek exercitia gymntastica, which comes from gymnos, naked, because the athletes were naked when they exercised."

  "And yet it was I who taught you all this!" cried the abbé, almost consoled at the victory of his pupil.

  "That is true."

  "It is fortunate that you even acknowledge it."

  "And with gratitude; we were saying, then, that you are ignorant of—"

  "Enough. It is certain that I am ignorant of much more than I know."

  "Therefore you acknowledge that many men know more than you do."

  "That is possible."

  "It is certain; and the more a man knows, the more does he perceive that he knows nothing. It was Cicero who said this."

  "Conclude."

  "I conclude—"

  "Let us hear your conclusion; it will be a fine one."

  "I conclude that in virtue of your relative ignorance, you ought to be more indulgent as to the relative knowledge of other men. This constitutes a double virtue,—virtus duplex, which we are assured was that of Fénelon, who assuredly knew quite as much as you do; and that is Christian charity and humility."

  The abbé uttered a perfect roar of anger.

  "Serpent!" he exclaimed; "you are a serpent!"

  "You insult me, but do not answer me; this was the reply of one of the seven wise men of Greece. I would say it in Greek, but I have already said it, or something nearly to the same purpose, in Latin."

  "Good!" said the abbé, "this is another effect of Revolutionary doctrines."

  "And in what way?"

  "They have persuaded you that you were my equal."

  "And even should they have persuaded me of that, it would not give you the right of making a grammatical error."

  "What say you?"

  "I say that you have just made an enormous fault, master."

  "Ah! that is very polite indeed; and what fault did I commit?"

  "It is this. You said, 'Revolutionary principles have persuaded you that you were my equal.'"

  "Well; and what then?"

  "Well; were is in the imperfect tense."

  "Yes, undoubtedly."

  "It was the present you should have used."

  "Ah!" cried the abbé, blushing.

  "Only translate the phrase into Latin and you will see what an enormous solecism the verb will give you in the imperfect tense."

  "Pitou! Pitou!" exclaimed the abbé, imagining that there was something supernatural in this astounding erudition,—"Pitou! which of the demons is it that inspires you with all these attacks against an old man and against the Church?"

  "Why, my good master," replied Pitou, somewhat moved by the tone of real despair in which these words had been pronounced, "it is not a demon who inspires me, nor do I attack you. Only you treat me as if I were a perfect fool, and you forget that all men are equals."

  The abbé was again irritated.

  "It is that which I never will permit; I cannot allow such blasphemies to be uttered in my presence. You,—you the equal of a man whom God and study have taken sixty years to form? never! never!"

  "Well, then, ask Monsieur de Lafayette, who has proclaimed the rights of man."

  "Yes, yes! cite as an authority an unfaithful subject of the king,—the firebrand of all this discord; the traitor!"

  "Hey!" cried Pitou, horrified. "Monsieur de Lafayette an unfaithful subject! Monsieur de Lafayette a firebrand of discord! Monsieur de Lafayette a traitor! Why, it is you, Abbé, who are blaspheming. Why, you must have lived shut up in a box during the last three months. You do n
ot know, then, that this unfaithful subject of the king is the only one who serves the king; that this firebrand of discord is the pledge of public peace; that this traitor is the best of Frenchmen?"

  "Oh!" exclaimed the abbé, "could I ever have believed that royal authority would fall so low? A worthless fellow like that"—and he pointed to Pitou—"to invoke the name of Lafayette as in ancient times they invoked the names of Aristides and of Phocion."

  "It is very fortunate for you, Monsieur l'Abbé, that the people do not hear you," said Pitou, imprudently.

  "Ah!" exclaimed the abbé, with triumph, "you at length reveal yourself,—you threaten. The people-yes, the people who basely murdered the king's officers—the people, who even tore out the entrails of their victims! Yes, Monsieur de Lafayette's people—Monsieur Bailly's people—Monsieur Pitou's people! Well, then, why do you not instantly denounce me to the Revolutionists of Villers-Cotterets Why do you not drag me to Pleux? Why do you not turn up your sleeves to hang me on the first post? Come now, Pitou; macte animo, Pitou. Sursum! sursum, Pitou! Come, come, where is your rope? Where is your gallows? There is the executioner; macte animo, generose Pitoue!"

  "Sic itur ad astra!" added Pitou, muttering, but solely with the intention of finishing the line, and not perceiving that he was making a pun worthy of a cannibal.

  But he was compelled to perceive it by the increased exasperation of the abbé.

  "Ah! ah!" vociferated the latter; "ah! that is the way you take it! Ah, it is thus that you would send me to the stars, is it? Ah, you intend me for the gallows, do you?"

  "Why, I did not say that," cried Pitou, beginning to be alarmed at the turn the conversation was taking.

  "Ah! you promise me the heaven of the unfortunate Foulon, of the unhappy Berthier?"

  "Why so, Monsieur l'Abbé?"

  "Ah, you have the running-noose prepared, sanguinary executioner! It was you, was it not, who on the square before the Hôtel de Ville ascended the lamp-iron, and with your long, hideous, spider-like arms drew the victims to you?"

  Pitou uttered a perfect roar of horror and indignation.

  "Yes, it was you; and I recognize you," continued the abbé, in a transport of divination, which made him resemble Joab,—"I recognize thee; thou art Catiline."

  "But really," exclaimed Pitou, "do you know that you are saying abominable things to me, Monsieur l'abbé Do you know that, in point of fact, you are insulting me?"