2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  2d6

  A Caverns and Creatures Mini-Adventure Collection

  By Robert Bevan

  Copyright 2014 Robert Bevan

  This is a collection of the second six Caverns and Creatures Mini-Adventures. It includes:

  Nymph-O-Maniacs

  Buzzkill

  Cooper’s Christmas Carol

  Sticky White Mess

  Clerical Error

  Cornholed

  No new content has been added. Nothing in the stories has been changed. If you’ve already purchased these stories, there’s little need for you to purchase the e-version of this collection.

  I’m making it available for those who either haven’t read them yet, and prefer them in a bundle rather than as individual titles on their reading devices, or for those of you who would like these stories in paperback format, which is available here.

  Acknowledgements:

  First, I’d like to thank Joan Reginaldo for her invaluable criticism. It’s tough to find a good beta-reader. I went through a few before I met Joan. I can’t stress enough how important it is to find someone who understands your vision and is able to help you achieve it. There’s so much more involved than pointing out misplaced commas (though she did a lot of that, too). Go take a look at Joan’s blog if you have a chance. She’s got some good tips on writing. Leave a comment. She likes comments.

  Next, I’d like to thank my beautiful wife, No Young Sook, for her constant support, and for getting up to get the kids ready for school every morning because I left early to go to the office to write some books.

  Next in line to be thanked is my brother-in-law, No Hyun Jun. Every cover of mine you see is the end product of a communication struggle, his English being about on par with my Korean. But the guy can work some Photoshop magic. And he also helps out with the kids quite a bit. Thanks, Hyun Jun.

  I’d also like to thank all of my followers on Twitter, especially those of you who re-tweet my endless loop of book advertisements.

  Finally, I’d like to give a huge thank you to all of my fans out there. You’re the reason I keep on writing.

  Nymph-O-Maniacs

  A low level Caverns and Creatures mini-adventure.

  (Original Publication Date: February 24, 2014)

  “I was thinking,” said Julian.

  “Well maybe you should stop,” said Tim, stomping through the woods ahead of the group. Whatever was on Julian’s mind, he was sure he didn’t want to hear about it.

  “Maybe we could take up trades,” said Julian. “You could be a tailor’s apprentice or something. You’ve got nimble fingers. With Cooper’s strength, he could train to be a blacksmith. Dave could probably find something to do in the clergy. And with my high Charisma score, I could… I don’t know… tend bar or something.”

  Tim slashed through the underbrush with his shortsword as he marched forward. “I’ve had it with honest work. Back in the real world, all it ever did was slow my descent into debt. Here in this stupid game, it only ever gets me into trouble.”

  “How much trouble could you get into being a tailor’s apprentice?”

  That was it. Tim stopped and turned around. “I –” He got a faceful of filthy half-orc loincloth and fell on his ass.

  “Oh shit,” said Cooper. “Sorry. You shouldn’t have stopped so suddenly.”

  Tim sat on the ground and spat repeatedly, trying to get the taste of sweat, shit, and HOBO (half-orc body odor) out of his mouth. He scrambled through his backpack until he found his emergency hip flask full of stonepiss. The emergency it was normally reserved for was the necessity to get extremely fucked up in an extremely short amount of time. This emergency, however, had less to do with getting fucked up, and more to do with getting the taste of Cooper out of his mouth. He gargled the stonepiss and spat it out. It worked insofar as his tongue was now completely numb to taste.

  “Are you okay?” asked Julian.

  “I didn’t start playing Caverns and Creatures to be a tailor’s apprentice,” said Tim. “And we’ll never get back home if we don’t start making some real money.”

  “What if going back home isn’t an option?”

  “So what if it isn’t?” said Tim. “Do you think I want to spend the rest of my fake life sewing fucking pantaloons for rich assholes?”

  “I don’t –”

  “And Cooper,” Tim continued. “Do you want to be a blacksmith’s apprentice, pounding the shit out of metal with a hammer in the blazing heat of a forge?”

  “I dunno,” said Cooper. “It sounds kind of cool.”

  “Dave,” said Tim. “You’re an atheist. How do you feel about getting a job in the clergy?”

  “If I can learn more powerful spells, it actually sounds kinda neat.”

  Tim closed his eyes, trying to shake off the small buzz the stonepiss had given him. He looked up at Julian. “And I suppose you think tending bar is a nonstop party, right? What are you, seventeen?”

  “I’m twenty-two,” said Julian.

  Tim got to his feet. “Well let me tell you something. I’ve tended bar. It’s no party. Back home, what’s the worst that could happen? You say ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Ratcliffe. Some of the other customers are complaining. Please keep your voice down, or I’m going to have to cut you off.’ Maybe you’ll get a little attitude. If the shit gets too thick, you call the police in. What do you think will happen here when you say ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Scarfang. Would you please stop raping the barmaid. She has a full shift ahead of her.’ I’ll tell you what will happen. You’ll get a fucking axe to the face, that’s what.”

  “It’s still less dangerous than this,” said Dave. “I mean, what are we doing out here? We’re just wandering through the woods looking for a fight.”

  “That’s right,” said Tim. “If we’re ever going to get home, we’re either going to need a shitload of money to pay some wizard to teleport us back there, or we’re going to need Julian to level up enough to do the job himself.”

  Julian looked at Tim with sad eyes. “But –”

  “I know,” said Tim. “But what if none of that works? Well fuck it. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a fantasy world, then I’m going to live a fantasy fucking life. I want levels, gold, whores, whatever passes for the good life here. And we all know the best way to get it.”

  “Killing monsters,” said Dave.

  “That’s right,” said Tim. “Julian. Call your bird and see if he’s spotted anything.”

  Julian inserted two fingers into his mouth and let out a long, loud whistle. “Ravenus!”

  “Here I am, sir,” said Ravenus, flapping down from behind them. He landed on a low-hanging branch of a nearby oak tree.

  “Ask him if he’s seen anything,” said Tim.

  “Why don’t you ask him yourself?” said Julian. “You speak Elven.”

  “Because I’m in a lousy fucking mood. Forcing myself to speak in a British accent is only going to make it worse.”

  Julian sighed and looked up at Ravenus. “Did you see anything?”

  “There’s a lovely oak grove about half a mile northeast of here.”

  “Monsters, you stupid bird!” said Tim. “Did you see any monsters?”

  Ravenus cocked his head sideways, looking at Tim. “I beg your pardon?”

  “Jesus Christ,” said Tim. He repeated the question in Dick Van Dyke Cockney.

  “Oh, no. No monsters at all. The forest is calm and quiet.”

  “The oak grove sounds nice,” said Dave. “Maybe we could break for lunch.”

  “I am getting hungry,” agreed Julian.

  “I just shat out a log as big as Tim,” said Cooper. “I could eat.”

  “Fine,” said Tim. He looked up at
Ravenus. “Lead the way.”

  “Come again?” said Ravenus.

  Tim gave him the finger.

  “Well that was uncalled for.”

  “Could you lead us to the oak grove?” asked Julian.

  “Very good, sir! Follow me!” Ravenus flew from tree to tree, waiting for the others to catch up.

  Tim knew where they were headed from a hundred feet away. He spotted a clearing through the trees, bathed in golden sunlight, as if the sun itself favored this particular patch of land above all others.

  As they walked closer, Tim heard the playful twitter of birds. He’d been quite content to remain bitter and sullen all day, but the closer he got to the grove, the more his spirits lifted, even against his will.

  “This place is beautiful,” said Julian, stepping onto the fluffy carpet of grass which separated the grove from the rest of the forest.

  When Tim stepped onto the grass, it was as if all of his worry, stress, and frustration were absorbed into the earth through his bare feet. The void left in their place was filled with the warmth of the sun and the freshness of the air. “I never want to leave.”

  The air was alive with butterflies and dandelion tufts. Eight oak trees provided a roughly octagonal border around the grove, but the tree at the center was a truly impressive specimen. It was wide enough at the base that, if all four of them surrounded it, they might be able to join hands, but only just. Its huge bottom branches drooped gently down to the ground before curving back up again. Tim reckoned he could be twenty feet high in the tree without even using his hands.

  A dozen or more species of bird fluttered among the higher branches, each singing a distinct song, but all contributing to a greater chorus of good cheer. Ravenus disappeared into the treetop to join them. Squirrels chased one another up and down the mighty trunk without a care in the world.

  Julian spread a blanket on the ground, and began setting out the lunch boxes he had prepared. Dave unbuckled his breastplate and backpiece, and lay on his bare back in the soft grass.

  Cooper lifted the front of his loincloth to have a piss on the great oak. After he finished watering the tree, he pulled a dagger out from the sheath he had strapped to his leg and began scraping it against the trunk.

  “What are you doing?” Julian asked Cooer.

  Cooper giggled like an idiot as he carved into the tree trunk. “I’m drawing a picture. Hey, how do you spell Dave?”

  “What difference does it make?” asked Julian. “You don’t know how to write.”

  “You make a fair point.”

  “How’s that supposed to be Dave? It looks like a giant flaccid penis with a beard to me.”

  “Who are you to question my art?” asked Cooper. “This is my interpretation of Dave.”

  A chill breeze blew through the air, and the sunlight was temporarily obscured by shadow. Cooper’s carving began to bleed dark orange sap.

  “Awesome,” said Cooper. “It looks like he’s puking up infected jizz.”

  “Not awesome,” said Julian. “Something’s wrong.”

  “Who are you?” said a female voice.

  Tim turned toward the voice. A woman sat in one of the lower branches of the great oak. She was tall and slender, with long, pointed ears, like Julian. Unlike Julian, however, she was stark raving naked. She had dark skin, somewhere between tanned white woman and Halle Berry. Her hair was green like the underside of a leaf. Tim assumed that was its natural color, as the carpet matched the drapes. Her breasts were like songs sung by angels. They defied gravity. They were like the effect of a Wonderbra without all the pesky fabric. So mesmerized was he that he could scarcely follow the rest of the conversation.

  Dave and Cooper stared unblinkingly at the woman, mouths hanging open. They were obviously under the same trance that Tim was caught in. The only one who seemed to be functioning normally was Julian.

  “I’m Julian,” said Julian.

  “What business do you have in my grove?” said the naked green-haired woman in the tree. “What is it you want?”

  A long, thick line of drool spilled out of Cooper’s open mouth. “I want to put my ding-dong in your hoo-ha.”

  Julian looked up at Cooper’s face. “What the fuck does that even –”

  Without taking his eyes off the woman, Cooper punched Julian lightly on the head. “Dude, mind your language. There’s a lady present. Try to show a little class, huh?” His hand, as if acting on its own will, began to creep under his loincloth.

  “Enough!” said the woman. She smiled and batted her long, green eyelashes.

  Tim was suddenly out of his trance, but engulfed in darkness. “What’s going on?”

  “I can’t see anything!” Dave called out.

  “Oh my god!” cried Cooper. “Sister Mary Francis was right!”

  “What have you done to my friends?” asked Julian.

  “They were blinded by my beauty,” said the woman. “And yet you were not. How interesting.”

  “I have a bonus against enchantment spells and effects,” said Julian. “It’s because I’m an elf.”

  “It’s because you’re a fag,” said Cooper. “Ow! Hey man, it’s not cool to hit a blind man.”

  “Which one of you defiled my tree?” asked the woman.

  “Cooper,” said Tim, Julian, and Dave simultaneously.

  “You guys are dicks,” said Cooper. “We don’t even know what she means by defiled. She might be referring to pissing on the tree or she might be referring to carving a picture of a dick onto the trunk.”

  “You did both of those things,” said Julian.

  “Fuck.”

  Suddenly, Tim could see again. Light flowed into his eyes, warm and gentle. He looked around.

  Dave rubbed his own eyes, and then opened them wide. His smile shone through his bushy auburn beard. “Ha ha!” he cried. “I can see again!”

  “Me too!” said Tim.

  “Thank you ma’am,” said Dave to the tree woman. “I’m really sorry we’ve offended you. It won’t –”

  “I still can’t see shit,” said Cooper.

  Tim turned from Cooper to the… “I’m sorry, miss. What are you exactly? A dryad?”

  The woman let out a chirpy laugh, like the twitter of birds. “Heavens no, child. I’m a nymph.”

  “Why is it that my friend still can’t see?”

  “He must be punished, for he has shed the blood of the Life Tree.”

  “Will I be like this forever?” asked Cooper.

  The nymph laughed her chipper laugh again. “Of course not, my child.”

  “Thank fuck.”

  “I expect that you will eventually grow old and die.” Again with the laugh.

  “You think that’s funny, you skanky tree bitch?” Cooper walked unsteadily toward the sound of her voice. “You just keep right on laughing.” He reached for the greataxe strapped to his back.

  “Sorry, Coop,” said Julian. He whacked him in the shins with his quarterstaff.

  “Son of a mother fucker!” cried Cooper, collapsing on the soft grass.

  “Miss Nymph,” said Julian. “Surely there can be something we can do to make amends for our friend’s transgressions.”

  “Amends,” said the nymph thoughtfully, nibbling on her lower lip. “Let me think… hmmm….” Her eyes flashed wide. “I’ve got just the thing.”

  “Before you go on,” said Dave, “I feel it’s fair to warn you that there is a limit on how much we value Cooper’s eyesight.”

  “Fuck you, Dave.”

  “Shut up, guys,” said Julian. “Let her talk. Please, ma’am. State what you’d have us do.”

  “Not far from here is a stream running north to south,” said the nymph. “If you listen, you can hear it from here.”

  “I can hear it,” said Julian. “Would you like us to fetch water for your grove?”

  The nymph laughed. “No, child. The Life Tree’s roots spread far and wide. We have all the water we need. The stream flows north and slight
ly to the east. About a mile upstream, there is a small cave. My little birdies tell me a group of seven hobgoblins have recently taken an interest in the cave.”

  “What’s a hobgoblin?” asked Julian.

  “They’re related to goblins,” said Tim. “Only they’re bigger, stronger, and hairier.”

  “They are an evil race,” said the nymph. “They have no respect for the forest. I cannot risk them discovering this grove. I need you to destroy them.”

  Julian frowned. “That seems like kind of a severe solution to your problem.”

  “And if they’re such a threat,” said Tim, “why haven’t you gone and taken care of them yourself? You’re what? Like a Challenge Rating 7 Monster, aren’t you?”

  “I beg your pardon?” said the nymph, her tone a mix of confusion and contempt.

  “Sorry,” said Tim. “That came out wrong. What I meant to say is that you’re very powerful. A few hobgoblins are nothing to you. You could deal with them as easily as if you were swatting flies.”

  “Your words are true, little halfling,” said the nymph. “They are no real threat to me. Not in such small numbers anyway. But you require a quest to make amends, do you not?”

  “I don’t suppose we could get by with a sincere apology?” offered Julian.

  The nymph laughed her chirpy, high-pitched laugh. “You are a cute one, young elf. I’m afraid I will require something more amusing. As beautiful as this grove is, there is precious little in the way of entertainment.”

  “You want us to commit murder for your amusement?” said Julian. “I won’t do it. There has to be a line somewhere. If you have a problem with hobgoblins in the vicinity, there are other ways to handle it. Diplomatic ways.”

  “Do you think you can talk them into leaving?” asked the nymph. She smiled slowly. Tim thought he could almost see the wheels turning behind those bright green eyes. “I’ll tell you what. You may try it your way first. But you alone, young elf, must do the talking.”