2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “How the fuck am I supposed to do that? You want me to juggle?”

  “Here,” said Julian, tossing down a scroll tube. It hit Cooper in the head.

  “Ow.”

  “Pretend you’re reading.”

  “But I’m illiterate.”

  “You’re blind, too, dumbass,” said Julian. “That’s why I said ‘pretend’.”

  “Oh, right.” Cooper crouched down, feeling the ground until he found the tube. He opened it and pulled out a sheet of parchment. Standing back up, he unrolled the parchment and cleared his throat. He spat a fist-sized gob of rusty-brown phlegm on the ground.

  “Ew,” said Dave. “Watch where you spit. I’ve got to hide over here.”

  Cooper held the blank parchment out in front of him. “We the people, of the United States of America…”

  Ravenus flew in like a rocket, stumbling as he landed. “They’re coming!” he said to Cooper.

  Unable to understand the bird’s Elven language, Cooper ignored him and continued reading. “…and to the republic for which it stands, one nation…”

  “Hey!” said Ravenus. “Hang on. Where is everybody?”

  “…our four fathers hold these truths to be self elephants…”

  “Ravenus,” whispered Julian. “Up here!”

  “…will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their character sheets…”

  Ravenus flew into Julian’s tree. “One of those bastards fired an arrow at me!”

  “…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…”

  “Cooper,” Tim whispered. “Get ready. Here they come!”

  “…One small step for man. One giant leap for –”

  Snarls and barks announced the wolf’s arrival. “You there!” shouted the hobgoblin called Bonecrusher, barely able to hold his wolf’s leash. “Who are you?”

  Cooper threw down the parchment and roared, “ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!”

  Bonecrusher and Elfgina looked at one another uncertainly. Even Pepper stopped barking.

  “Sorry,” said Cooper. “I got a little carried away.”

  Julian looked at Tim. Tim shook his head. The hobgoblins were still about forty feet away. He wouldn’t get his Sneak Attack bonus at this range. While he was guaging their position, Tim noticed his tobacco pouch slung around Elfgina’s neck. The ends of two fat cigars poked out of the top of it.

  “I’ll ask you one more time, half-orc,” said Bonecrusher. “Who are you?”

  “My name is Cooper.”

  Bonecrusher held up the severed hobgoblin arm. “Are you responsible for this?”

  “For what?”

  “Have the gods removed your eyes as well as your wits?”

  “My vision isn’t what it used to be.”

  That’s it, Cooper. Draw him in a little closer.

  Bonecrusher lobbed the severed arm at Cooper. It bounced off his chest and fell to the ground.

  Shit.

  “Neither are my reflexes.” Cooper bent over and felt for the arm.

  “I think he’s blind,” said Elfgina.

  Cooper found the arm and stood up. “Oh, this,” he said. “Yes. I’m totally responsible for this.” He tossed the arm back toward the hobgoblins. They watched as it arced high over their heads.

  Bonecrusher unstrapped his battleaxe. “That arm belonged to my cousin.”

  Cooper took a step backward, and another. “Sorry about that,” he said. “I used it to whack off.” He performed the universally recognized ‘whacking off’ gesture in case the hobgoblins were not familiar with the term. “Pro tip: If you use someone else’s hand, it feels less lonely.”

  “Why you vile piece of…” Bonecrusher let go of the leash. “Pepper, get him!” Bonecrusher followed, holding his axe with both hands, as Pepper launched into Cooper.

  It all happened so suddenly that by the time Tim shouted “Now!”, the hobgoblin was practically right under his tree.

  Tim’s bolt caught Bonecrusher right where his neck met his chest. Julian’s arrow pierced the hobgoblin’s leg. Dave stepped out from behind the tree and smashed his mace into the creature’s gut with a mighty, all-or-nothing two-handed swing. It was impossible to say which was the killing blow, but Bonecrusher didn’t even have time to grunt before collapsing dead to the ground.

  Cooper continued stumbling backwards until Pepper leapt up and tackled him.

  “Dave? Is that you?” said Cooper, grasping at the animal on top of him. The wolf bit his hand and clawed his face.

  “Ow!” said Cooper. “Fuck you, Dave!” He grabbed the animal by the throat and punched it in the face.

  “Shit!” said Elfgina, who hadn’t even readied a weapon. He bolted off in the other direction.

  Tim climbed down from his branch, and Julian hopped down from his. Julian had an arrow nocked and aimed by the time Tim got down.

  “Wait!” said Tim. “Let him go.”

  “What? Why?” Julian lowered his bow.

  “He’s got my tobacco pouch.”

  “Fuck your tobacco pouch!” Julian raised his bow again, but Elfgina was gone. “Dammit!”

  “Come on,” said Tim, running toward Cooper.

  Dave stood over Cooper and Pepper as they wrestled on the ground, looking for an opportunity to strike. Tim saved him the trouble. A single bolt to the chest was all it took. The wolf gave a last, whiny bark and fell to Cooper’s side.

  Cooper stood up on his massive, but trembling, legs. His face and chest were scratched up pretty bad, and his hand was dripping with blood.

  “You okay, Coop?” said Tim.

  “I’ll live.”

  “I’ve got one more Heal spell,” said Dave.

  “Save it,” said Cooper. “Just give me a zero-level Heal to stop the bleeding.”

  Dave touched Cooper’s arm. “I heal thee.”

  “Thanks.” Cooper opened and closed his hand a couple of times. It still looked pretty bad, but no more blood was dripping out of it. “So, that’s four down?”

  “Three,” said Julian with more than a trace of annoyance in his voice. “Tim let the other one get away.”

  “What the fuck for?” said Cooper.

  “He had my tobacco pouch,” Tim explained. “There’s still a chance for my cigar plan to work.”

  “Fucking hell,” said Cooper.

  “Tim,” said Dave. “That plan was clever in a what-harm-could-it-do sort of way, but it’s not something you’d want to count on. Not when we could have just tipped the odds in our favor. We could have probably taken out three hobgoblins in a straight-up fight. Having a fourth one there, who can give the others a full report on us, well… you may have just fucked us.”

  “You make a fair point,” said Tim. “But if my plan works, there won’t even be a fight.”

  “Okay,” said Julian. “I’m going to jump in and be totally honest for a second. I think your plan is stupid. In fact, I think it’s the stupidest fucking plan I’ve ever heard. What if none of those guys smoke? What if they like to smoke in the morning? What if they’ve got a big campfire going and we can’t even get close enough without them spotting us? There’s so much about this plan that has to go precisely the way you want it to for it to have any prayer of working. If your plan was a person, it would be riding the short bus to school.”

  An awkward moment of silence followed while Tim waited for someone to speak up in his defense. Cooper farted.

  “I appreciate your honesty,” said Tim. “I made a split-second decision. Had I had more time to think about it, I might have chosen differently. But that’s neither here nor there. What’s done is done, and my plan, stupid or not, is the only one we’ve got.”

  As the sun set, the oak tree shadows grew larger and darker. Ravenus led the group to a safe distance from the hobgoblin cave. Just before evening turned completely into night, Tim led Julian to a not-quite-as-safe distance from the cave.

  “Do you really think it’s wise to have me be
your backup?” asked Julian. “Those guys really hate elves.”

  “I think it’s a safe bet that they hate all of us right about now,” said Tim. “And if this works, they won’t see you at all. I need you because you’re the only one who can at least try to walk quietly, and you’re decent with a bow.”

  When they reached the last tree before the stream, Tim crouched down and gestured for Julian to do the same. Two hobgoblins stood outside the entrance of the cave.

  Tim spoke just above a whisper. “We’ll cross the stream here. Do your best not to splash, but the babble of the water should cover us pretty well. Then we’ll make straight for the cave entrance. If there’s only one hobgoblin standing guard, we’ll both fire at the same time. If there are two, we’re going to have to split our attacks and hope we kill both of them on the first try.”

  Julian shrugged and nodded.

  “Take one more look,” said Tim. “Try to remember the layout of the land as best you can.”

  Julian stared for a little while. “Okay. I’ve got it.”

  Tim stood up. “Good. Now let’s go back and –”

  “They came out of nowhere!” said Elfgina, running toward the two hobgoblins standing outside the cave.

  “What are you talking about?” asked the larger of the two. “Where is Bonecrusher? Where is Pepper?”

  “They’re gone, Snarlgore,” said Elfgina. “I’m sorry, but there was nothing that could be done. They jumped out of the trees, half a dozen or more.”

  “You are lower than a dog,” said Snarlgore. “Elfgina is too good a name for you. We’ll have to think of something better.”

  “Please, sir,” pleaded Elfgina. “You don’t understand.”

  “I understand perfectly,” said Snarlgore. “The dog stayed to fight. You did not. Therefore, you are lower than a dog. Hammerfist,” he said to the hobgoblin standing next to him. “Is there some flaw in my reasoning?”

  “Your logic is sound, sir,” said Hammerfist.

  “You must listen to me!” said Elfgina. “They may be coming this –”

  “Have I completely lost my senses,” said Snarlgore, “or did the dog just presume to give its owner a command? Have you ever heard of something so preposterous?”

  “Never in my whole life, sir,” said Hammerfist.

  “See if perhaps you can demonstrate to him his proper place, would you?”

  Hammerfist stepped up to Elfgina.

  “Come on, Hammer,” said Elfgina. “Those guys are coming for us. We need to –”

  His words were interrupted by a gauntleted backhand slap to the face.

  Elfgina dropped to his hands and knees, out of breath and drooling blood.

  “That’s better,” said Snarlgore. “Now, what does a good doggie say?”

  “P-p-please.”

  “If I have to unsheathe my short sword, I shall sheathe it through that soggy noodle you call a spine. Now what does the good doggie say?”

  “Woof?”

  “Very good.”

  “I don’t think I can watch anymore of this,” said Julian.

  “Okay,” said Tim. “I can barely see anything anyway. I was hoping we’d catch a glimpse of the seventh hobgoblin.” He put a hand on Julian’s elbow for guidance.

  “He may be inside the cave,” said Julian. “Like maybe he’s the big boss or something.”

  “I hope not.”

  About thirty yards further away, they met the rest of the group and explained the current situation.

  “So now what?” asked Dave.

  “Now we wait,” said Tim. Give them an hour or two, hope that at least one of them goes to sleep. And then we make our move. Julian and I will go in alone. You and Cooper will stay on this side of the stream unless shit really goes south.” He put his hand on Cooper’s. “If that happens, I’ll need you to go into your barbarian rage.”

  “You want me to fight?”

  “No,” said Tim. “I want you to look big and scary so that they’ll all shoot at you while we pick them off.”

  “Being blind sucks.”

  About twenty minutes passed before Tim finally said, “Fuck it. I’m tired of waiting. Ready?”

  Julian shrugged. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  The whole group crept back up toward the stream so slowly that even Cooper was quiet. When they finally made it to the stream, Tim scanned the darkness beyond until he saw what he was looking for. A beautiful solitary glow, like the Star of Bethlehem. Someone was smoking one of his cigars.

  “Way to go!” whispered Dave, giving Tim a friendly punch on the arm.

  “I’ll admit when I’m wrong,” said Julian. “I honestly didn’t think this plan had a chance of working, but it looks like it might actually work out pretty well.”

  Tim took a moment to bask in some well-deserved I-told-you-so satisfaction, before calibrating some of the finer details of his plan.

  The glow of the cigar was red and irregular. It wobbled around, and didn’t appear to be likely to guarantee a hit as well as he’d imagined it would. As he stared at the light, contemplating on how best to shoot at it, it suddenly grew brighter, and quickly dimmed again.

  That was it. The light would grow brighter when air was being sucked through it… when the hobgoblin was inhaling. That’s when it was guaranteed to be right in their face. “Keep your aim on the light,” he said to Julian. “Fire when it glows brightest.”

  “Okay,” said Julian.

  “We’ll be back in a few,” said Tim.

  “Good luck!” said Dave.

  “You don’t need luck if you’ve got a solid plan,” said Tim. “Come on, Julian. Let’s go.”

  Tim and Julian waded silently through the water, carefully holding their weapons over their heads. When they made it to the other side, they lowered their arms and relaxed.

  “Okay, perfect,” whispered Tim. “Now let’s just keep going like that for another ten yards. We’ve got to get within thirty feet of him for me to get my Sneak Attack bonus.” Julian nodded and took a step forward.

  “Elf!” Cried a hobgoblin voice from the direction of the cigar.

  Thunk. The back end of an arrow suddenly appeared poking out of Julian’s chest.

  “Yow!” said Julian.

  “The fuck?” said Tim.

  “I’m really angry!” Cooper’s voice bellowed out from behind them.

  “Hang on, guys!” said Dave. “We’re coming!”

  Tim shot at the cigar light. The light neither flickered nor flinched. Whoever had been smoking the cigar had obviously put it down. Shit.

  “How did they see us?” said Tim.

  Julian nocked an arrow. “They must have Darkvision. You know, like Dave and Cooper have.”

  There was a giant splash behind them, followed by a “Fuck!”

  “Well,” said Julian. “Like Dave has anyway.”

  “Am I the only goddamn creature in this world who can’t see in the dark?” asked Tim, his crossbow loaded but nothing to aim at.

  “I’m about to help you out with that,” said Julian. He whispered at the fletching of his arrow, “Light.” The feathers grew as bright as lamplight, revealing an approaching hobgoblin, battleaxe raised, charging silently toward Julian. Julian shot it in the throat.

  Tim, who had been looking and listening for something to shoot, wasted no time pulling the trigger. He caught the hobgoblin in the leg.

  Julian stepped nimbly out of the way when the axe came down. Tim dropped his crossbow, jumped on the shaft of the axe, and grabbed for the small dagger he kept hidden in his boot. Before he could get a stab in, however, the hobgoblin pulled him off and cocked his arm back to throw him.

  “Magic Missile,” said Julian. Tim was not in an ideal position to see the magical glowing arrow, but he had a pretty good idea of what happened when his captor’s arm went limp.

  Tim managed to land in a crouching position right beside his crossbow. He had it loaded just in time to fire at one of the two hobgoblins ente
ring the sphere of light radiating from their fallen comrade’s throat. The bolt glanced off the gauntlet of the hobgoblin Tim now recognized as Hammerfist, and bounced away into the darkness. The other hobgoblin was Elfgina, which meant that the one they’d already killed was Snarlgore, the apparent leader of the group, not counting the mystery hobgoblin.

  Hammerfist and Elfgina ignored Tim, their attention focused completely on Julian as he started jogging backwards. They didn’t even seem to notice or care that a hulked-out Cooper was rapidly, if not directly, approaching.

  “H-h-horse!” Julian cried out, just as the two hobgoblins were about to reach him. A shabby brown horse popped into existence about four nanoseconds before it got tackled by two angry, axe-wielding hobgoblins.

  Unlike most of the magical horses that Julian habitually murdered, this one had some fight in it. It was the first one back up on its feet, and looked to be pretty pissed off by the events occurring during its first six seconds of life. Just as Elfgina was getting to his feet, presumably wondering where the fuck a horse had suddenly come from, the horse kicked him in the breastplate, sending him flying into Cooper, who would have otherwise missed the fight entirely, running past it in a close tangent.

  While Hammerfist was distracted by the horse, Tim fired a bolt into his back.

  “Ow!” Hammerfist yelled. “That hurt, you little shit!” He grabbed Tim and cocked his arm back to throw. No Magic Missiles would save him this time.

  “Here I am!” said Dave, finally waddling onto the scene. “Is everyone –”

  Tim sailed right into him. Plate mail armor is hard. A lot harder than Tim’s face.

  When he was able to stand up and orientate himself again, Tim surveyed the battle scene, or at least the forty foot diameter dome of it that was visible to him. Cooper was on top of Elfgina, beating the shit out of him with his bare fists. Julian and his horse were missing. Hopefully they were together and both alive. Hammerfist grinned as he followed a target steadily with his bow. Just as he loosed the arrow, Ravenus swooped out of the darkness and rammed his beak into the hobgoblin’s ear.

  Hammerfist’s agonized roar was echoed by the shriek of a horse. The horse shriek cut off suddenly and was followed by a splash.