2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “What kind of question is that?” asked Ravenus. “Read it.”

  Cooper hung his head in shame. “I’m illiterate. It’s part of being a barbarian.”

  Ravenus shook his bird head. “Unbelievable. It’s Dave’s, you moron.”

  “Oh, thank fuck.” Cooper breathed a sigh of relief.

  Ravenus stared at him with his beady little judgmental bird eyes.

  “What?” said Cooper. “It’s a bummer about Dave. I’m sorry about that. I just thought… wait a minute. What did you mean before when you said there’s no one else but you?”

  “How many ways can you interpret that?” asked Ravenus. “An epidemic of dysentery swept through the city. Dave here was lucky to be one of the early ones. He got a proper burial at least. Most residents wound up being dumped into mass graves and burned.”

  Cooper’s lower lip quivered as he asked the first question that came to mind. “Tim?”

  “Dead!” cried Ravenus. “All of them are dead. You killed Dave. You killed Tim. You killed Julian, damn you!”

  “And me?”

  “Don’t worry, Cooper,” said Ravenus. “You’re alive and well. You survived because your body was accustomed to constantly shitting itself. I survived because I’m a carrion eater. I eat nastier shit than you can poop out on a daily basis.”

  “Say it isn’t so!” cried Cooper. “I’m stuck here forever, alone with you?”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t say alone,” said Ravenus, spreading his black wings wide. “This is a city of death now. My kind has taken over.” He let out a loud caw.

  The caw was answered by at least a dozen more in the near vicinity, and then a hundred from the darkness beyond, and a thousand more beyond that.

  Cooper looked up at a nearby tree. Every branch was covered in ravens, standing shoulder to shoulder, eyeing him hungrily.

  Cooper backed away, but there was nowhere to go. The night was alive with the flapping of black wings.

  “You can’t eat me!” he cried. “I’m not dead, and I’m disgusting!”

  “We’re willing to overlook all that,” said Ravenus. “Just this once.” He bolted from his perch toward Cooper. Ravens swarmed in from everywhere, scratching and pecking at his skin.

  “Nooooo!” Cooper cried, but his plea was drowned out by a cacophony of cawing and screeching. He could neither see nor breathe. He was literally drowning in black feathers. Consciousness faded, and he was once again in the void.

  *

  Cooper awoke to the warmth of the sun on his face. No, that wasn’t quite right. It was still dark, and this warmth was liquidy. He opened his eyes to discover a stray dog pissing on him. He sat up and spit out the dog piss that had run into his mouth.

  “What day is it?”

  The dog didn’t answer. Instead it sniffed at one of Dave’s gauntlets, still lying undisturbed on the ground, presumably still full of Cooper’s shit.

  “Merciful spirits!” cried Cooper. “There’s still time! Make haste, dog! Run and fetch the prize turkey!”

  The dog stared blankly at him.

  “Go on. Get the fuck out of here.” He took a threatening step toward the dog, and it ran off.

  The door to the Whore’s Head Inn opened, and Julian, Dave, and Tim stepped out.

  “He looks okay to me,” said Tim.

  “Hey,” said Dave. “What are my gauntlets doing out here?” He took a step toward them.

  “No!” Cooper shouted. He jumped repeatedly on the gauntlets until they were mangled beyond repair. The pain in his feet was eclipsed by the joy in his heart.

  “What the fuck, man!” cried Dave.

  “You’re welcome,” said Cooper.

  “How hard did he hit his head?” asked Tim.

  “Pretty hard,” said Julian.

  Cooper picked up Tim and squeezed him against his chest. “Oh, Tiny Tim! I’m so happy you’re alive!”

  “Please don’t call me that,” said Tim. “And put me down. You smell like shit.”

  Inside the inn, the party was still going strong. Cooper switched from beer to stonepiss to drown out the pain in his head and feet. His “Tiny Tim” moniker spread quickly, made even more hilarious by how pissed off Tim got every time someone said it. No matter what universe you happen to be stuck in, there are few things in life funnier than an angry midget.

  Frank’s face was beet red from laughing so hard. “Please, sir. May I have another?”

  “That’s not even the right fucking story!” screamed Tim. He climbed up on a table to address the drunken crowd. The bards stopped playing their instruments and the crowd quieted down and looked at him.

  He raised his little arms and extended both middle fingers. “God damn you, every one!”

  The End.

  Sticky White Mess

  A low level Caverns and Creatures mini-adventure.

  (Original Publication Date: February 3, 2014)

  Julian stared at the yellowed, musty pages of a random spellbook he had picked up from a nearby shelf. The magical runes were easy enough to decipher into pronounceable syllables, but they made no sense to him. It was like trying to understand a foreign language after only having cracked its alphabet.

  He honestly didn’t give a damn what was in the book. The only reason he’d picked it up was to give him an excuse to sit at one of the tables, across from a stunningly beautiful female elf. She had curly golden hair that a goddess would envy, and ears that could sail ships. He and Ravenus shot each other a mutually curious glance. It was only since arriving in this world that Julian had come to include ‘enormous ears’ as something he looked for in a woman.

  A Norwegian forest cat, white around the muzzle but otherwise covered in splotches of brown and black, lay curled up next to the elven girl’s book. It looked like his aunt’s cat, only fatter and presumably with even more tenuous ties to Norway. It kept a lazy watch on Ravenus, each of them likely fantasizing about making a meal of the other.

  Ravenus was growing impatient. Julian could sense it, just as he knew the bird could sense his own feelings of jittery inadequacy in the presence of such beauty. He scratched a talon on the rough wood of the table. The sound was amplified by the otherwise silent library.

  The elven maiden blew a golden curl out of her eye. “Do you two mind?” she said. “I’m trying to study.”

  “Gryffindor?” asked Julian.

  “What in the Abyss are you talking about?” she said.

  Julian looked at Ravenus. “Slytherin.”

  The elf girl likewise turned her attention to Ravenus. “What is he talking about?”

  Ravenus shrugged his wings. “I’m sorry ma’am. I honestly don’t know.”

  The tips of Julian’s own giant ears were burning. He was making a fool of himself. What good was a Charisma score of 17 if he couldn’t even competently talk to a girl?

  “Begging your pardon, miss,” said Ravenus. “I believe my master fancies you.”

  “Ravenus!” said Julian. “Get out of here!”

  “I was only trying to –”

  “Right now! Wait outside.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Ravenus. “Right away, sir.” He flew out of the library through one of many small openings high in the wall which seemed to have been placed there specifically for flying familiars to enter and exit through.

  “I’m really sorry,” said Julian. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. I’m just here to study as well.” He closed his book and held up the cover for her to see.

  “Illusory Spells, Volume VI,” said the elf girl. “That’s some pretty heavy reading. What spell are you working on?”

  Julian flipped open to the first random page he could find with emboldened title runes. “This one.” He sounded out the syllables. “Mis…lead.” He slapped his palm against his forehead. “Shit.”

  The elf girl smiled. “You’re doing a fine job of it.”

  “Look, I’m sorry,” said Julian. “Ravenus was right. I only grabbed this book off the shelf so I’
d have an excuse to sit next to you. You’re… I’m… You’ve got really pretty ears.”

  She rolled her eyes, but her cat purred. Julian grinned.

  “Lucifer!” she said. “Stop it!” She picked the cat up off the table and tossed him onto the floor. “Go find some rats.” The cat gave her a small whine of disapproval before scampering off. The pudgy critter was quicker than Julian would have guessed it could.

  “You named your cat Lucifer?” asked Julian.

  “It’s Draconic for ‘Light Bringer’”.

  “Yeah, I know that,” Julian lied. “It’s just that…”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know, it’s just…”

  “Listen, I’m flattered that you like my ears or whatever. You have lovely ears yourself. But I’ve only got a week to learn this Invisibility spell, or else I’m not going to graduate this year.”

  “Invisibility?” said Julian. “I’ve looked into that spell. It’s only level 2.”

  “Well excuse me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I came off as some great wizardess. I didn’t mean to Mislead you.”

  “I said I was sorry about that,” said Julian. “If you’d ease off a bit, I might be able to help you.”

  “Do you even know the Invisibility spell?”

  “Not yet,” said Julian. “But it’s high on my list of spells to learn.”

  “So you’re saying what?” she said. “You want to be study partners or something?”

  “Not exactly,” said Julian. “In fact, I think you’re wasting your time here.”

  She raised a perfect golden eyebrow. “Is that right? And how powerful a wizard are you to advise me such?”

  Julian lowered his eyes. “I’ve only dabbled in wizardry,” he admitted. “I wasn’t very good at it. But I’m a practicing sorcerer now.”

  “Ha!” she said. “Sorcery. Lazy man’s magic. There’s no discipline in sorcery. You fling spells around without understanding the magic behind them, and to what end? When I’m enchanting swords for the king’s personal guard, you’ll still be performing at children’s birthday parties.”

  “I don’t think that’s –”

  “Listen, pretty boy! I didn’t work my ears off for two years at Mystical Melinda’s Preparatory Academy for Girls just so some mage-clown could come sweep me off my feet in a public library. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve –”

  “You spent two years trying to master a second level spell?”

  “I wish you’d stop talking like that. What are these levels you keep talking about?”

  “Never mind that,” said Julian. “It doesn’t matter how you approach your magic, or whatever path you choose to follow in life. In this world, there’s one surefire way to advance.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Kill monsters.”

  The female elf pursed her lips and furrowed her brow at Julian. It was adorable. “You’re saying that if I practice the spells I’ve already mastered, I’ll be better equipped to understand new magic?”

  “No,” said Julian. “I’m saying that if you go kill some monsters, you’ll gain experience.”

  “Kill them with magic?”

  “If you like. Stab them, hit them with sticks, throw them off cliffs. Whatever you like. My friend Cooper uses an axe. Tim’s more partial to a crossbow. Dave usually just stands around and gets the crap beaten out of –”

  “Stop talking,” said the female elf. “How is any of that supposed to help me master this invisibility spell by next week?”

  Julian stood up. “Depending on how far along you are already, you might have that spell mastered by this evening.” He flashed a smile, making a conscious Diplomacy check. “Come on, what do you say? I'll buy you dinner.”

  She stood up and bit her lower lip. “I suppose I should eat at some point.” She slammed her massive, leather-bound book closed and shoved it into a rough suede backpack. Her cloak was made out of the same material. It looked just loose enough to allow her the range of movement she’d need to cast spells while still being thick and rugged enough to deflect a casual attempt at a stabbing. “Okay, sorcerer. I'm willing to waste a few hours while I let my brain recharge. What did you have in mind?”

  “First I'll introduce you to my friends,” said Julian. “What's your name?”

  She broke eye contact for a split-second before answering. “Um... You can call me Diamond.”

  Julian smiled. “That's a pretty name. I'm Julian.”

  Diamond stood up and strapped on her backpack. “Let's go then, Julian the Sorcerer.”

  “What about Lucifer?”

  “He'll catch up.”

  Julian led the way out of the arched front entrance of the Great Library of Cardinia. A grassy quad, about the size of a football field, served as a communal open area for the library they stood in front of, the university to their left, City Hall directly across from them, and the Cardinian Multi-faith Grand Temple and Medical Center to their right. Along the perimeter of the quad, between each of these four prominent structures, stood an assortment of tents, specialty shops, food vendors, minor potions and scrolls dealers, showmen, and charlatans. If he cared to look hard enough, he could probably spot a few residents of the Whore's Head Inn hawking their meager wares.

  Ravenus flew down from the roof of the library and perched atop his quarterstaff. “May I rejoin you, sir?”

  “Of course,” said Julian. “Did you find anything to eat?”

  “No, sir. I merely sat on the roof.”

  “Oh, that’s –”

  “Waiting.”

  “You didn’t –”

  “Alone.”

  “I’m sorry, Ravenus,” said Julian. “You just… She was… You were speaking too candidly. Human conversations are more complex than that. There are subtleties and –”

  “What do human conversations have to do with anything?” asked Diamond.

  “Oh, sorry,” said Julian. “I meant elven.”

  “You are a strange one,” said Diamond. “Where are these friends of yours?”

  They weren’t hard to find. While there was no shortage of dwarves, halflings, and half-orcs roaming the quad, it was rare to see any of them interacting with any other than their own kind, and most of them seemed to have something better to do on a weekday morning than sit on the grass and get wasted.

  “There they are,” said Julian. Cooper was waving a jug at him.

  “Those are your friends?” said Diamond.

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow,” she said. “I wasn't expecting such a... um... diverse group.”

  “Try not to take offense at anything Cooper might say,” said Julian. “He's a good guy, but he tends to come off a bit abrasive before you really get to know him.”

  “Which one's Cooper?”

  “He's the half-orc waving the jug.”

  “Thanks for the warning.”

  “Hey guys,” said Julian as soon as they were within reasonable speaking distance. “I'd like to introduce a friend of mine.” He ignored the amused glance exchanged by Dave and Tim. “This is Diamond.”

  “Sweet,” said Cooper. “Is she a stripper?”

  Tim coughed some beer out of his nose.

  “Cooper!” said Julian. “I'm sorry, Diamond.”

  “It's quite all right,” said Diamond. She smiled politely at Cooper. “I'm afraid I'm nothing quite so exciting as that. Just a boring university student.”

  Cooper nodded. “I like your pussy.”

  Tim lost it. He fell backwards, barely holding on to his bottle in one hand while he pounded the grass with the other. Even Dave choked on his stonepiss.

  “God dammit, Cooper!” shouted Julian.

  “I love it when they stretch like that.”

  Julian pulled his ears down to his cheeks. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?”

  “Why thank you,” said Diamond.

  “What?” cried Julian.

  “His name is Lucifer.”

  Julian turn
ed around. Diamond’s familiar had shown up, its front paws stretched out in front of its yawning face.

  “Have you considered shaving it?” asked Dave, only barely managing to keep his laughter under control. Everyone looked at him.

  “What a random and oddly inappropriate question,” said Cooper.

  Diamond picked up her cat. “Yes. I must say that was kind of weird.”

  “I was just advising Diamond,” said Julian, “on the best way to master a new spell.”

  Cooper pointed past Julian. “I think there’s a library over there.”

  “Thank you, Cooper,” said Julian. “That’s very helpful. I was hoping someone might have an idea of a more efficient way to accumulate the requisite experience necessary to achieve said mastery.” If one of the guys were to bring up monster-killing, it would give him some credibility.

  “Practice makes perfect,” said Dave. “I’ve often found that if you want to learn how to do something, the best method is to just dive right in and do it, mistakes be damned. Sooner or later, the perseverance will reward you with –”

  “Shut up, Dave,” said Julian. “Tim, do you have any ideas?”

  Tim narrowed his eyes and nodded slowly, licking his lips as if he had picked up on a bit of innuendo that Julian hadn’t intended to transmit. He took a quick swig from his bottle and then smiled up at Diamond.

  “Let me assure you,” said Tim. “My friend Julian is an accomplished tutor of the arcane arts, and his rates are competitive.” He pulled the scroll tube containing his character sheet out of his bag. He unrolled the paper and ran his finger down the center. “We might be able to work you in for an hour tomorrow afternoon.”

  Julian hung his head.

  “Huh,” said Diamond. Her tone was slightly amused, but largely unimpressed. “Are you guys trying to swindle me?”

  “No!” said Julian. “Of course not!” He glared at Tim. “Well, I suppose he was, but I’m not.”

  “Sorry, dude,” said Tim. “I thought you were dropping a hint.”

  “I was,” said Julian. “I was talking about killing monsters.”

  “Oh right,” said Tim.