Only Love

by Wisdom, Linda

  Kali shook her head sadly. “It would mean returning to L.A., and I can’t do that, Reba. I just can’t go back there.”

  “Calliope Howard, I don’t want to hear talk like that,” she said, scolding. “You have never been a quitter, and I won’t let you talk like one now. You’re not the same frightened woman you were when you first came here. You just remember that.”

  Kali smiled. “You sound like Travis. He thinks it’s time to get rid of my ghosts.”

  Reba nodded. “I told you he was a smart man. I have faith in you. When the time comes, you’ll do what’s right.”

  Kali wondered if she knew what was right anymore. If she’d had a lick of sense, she wouldn’t have gone to bed with Travis. But if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have experienced something so beautiful, and just thinking about his making love to her was enough to make her cry with happiness.

  Less than an hour later they left so they wouldn’t have to traverse the narrow mountain road in the dark. Kali promised to see the older couple soon, and Travis was given the invitation to come by anytime.

  Kali was pleasantly tired when they returned to the cabin early that evening but knew she would have to check on the horses before she did anything else. Travis offered to help her, and they walked over to the barn together. The large interior was warm with the rich scent of hay and horses.

  “One of my favorite places.” Travis grinned, cornering Kali near one of the stalls. He placed one hand on either side of her shoulders, preventing any kind of escape. “So, how about a little nooky in the hay? It’s just as good as a feather bed.”

  She laughed. “You are crazy.”

  He moved in even closer. “Tell me more.” His breath fanned out over her face as he lowered his head to capture her lips with sensual abandon.

  Kali sighed as her mouth opened for his invasion. But suddenly everything changed. The dark side of her past intruded, a side she would have preferred to keep hidden. She wasn’t in her thirties any longer; instead, she was sixteen, at the threshold of her womanhood, and feeling her power over the boy she was convinced she would love forever. This wasn’t Travis kissing and stroking her, it was Harold. And the dark shadow standing over her was her father. He may have been drunk, but he could certainly preach fire and brimstone as well as any minister when it came to the morals of his daughter, throwing fear into her without lifting his hand.

  “You’re turnin’ into a slut just like your ma, Calliope. I ain’t gonna let that happen as long as I have any say over you. I’ll make sure you don’t try those shenanigans again.”

  “No, Pa! We weren’t doing anything! I swear to you!”

  “Don’t lie to me, girl! I saw the two of you kissin’ and touchin’ each other back there in that rear stall. Boys don’t do those kinda things unless you let them. I don’t like to do this, but I’m gonna have to punish you, Calliope. I want you to know it’s for your own good. Mo girl of mine is gonna end up a slut like her momma.”

  “No! No! Please, Pa, don’t hurt me. Nothing happened! I’m not lying to you! I’m a good girl! I wouldn’t do anything wrong!”

  “No,” she whimpered, shaking her head from side to side, still lost in the past. “Please don’t.”

  Lost in his desire for her, Travis didn’t realize she wasn’t acting coy until she lashed out at him.

  “No, don’t touch me!” she practically screamed, pushing him away and darting out of the barn.

  Travis stood still for a moment, unable to assimilate what had happened. He ran after her and caught up with her just before she reached the back door.

  “What the hell is going on?” he demanded, shaking her. “You acted as if I were going to rape you in there.”

  “Just leave me alone,” she ordered tautly.

  Travis took the time to notice Kali’s eyes; they were wild with fear, and her face was paper-white. “What happened in the barn to make you so afraid of a man touching and kissing you?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing. I just didn’t want you to kiss me, that’s all. It’s a free country. I have the right to say no.”

  “Kali, I can spot a lie a mile away, and yours is practically glowing in the dark. Tell me what happened.” This was not a request but an order.

  She remained mute, still struggling to free herself from his tight grasp but to no avail.

  Travis’s face betrayed the frustration growing rapidly inside. “Kali, you’re allowing your fears to consume you, and that’s a mistake. Tell me what happened—let me help you.”

  She swallowed. She knew that if she didn’t tell him, she would be standing there until she did. Travis was just as stubborn as she was, if not more. “My—uh— my father found Harold and me in the barn. We were only kissing, nothing else!” She cried out, wanting him to believe her, even if her father hadn’t.

  “I believe you.” He kept his voice calm and even.

  “My father didn’t. He was convinced we were doing even more, or were ready to. He said it was all my fault, that I was probably leading Harold on, and if I wasn’t careful, I’d turn into a slut like my mother.” Her eyes were blank, looking back into the past. “He said he would make sure I’d stay a good girl no matter what it took.”

  “What did he do to you?” Travis asked warily.

  Her voice broke. “He whipped me. He said he was going to cleanse me of my sinful ways one way or another.” She took several deep breaths to calm herself. “It certainly cured me of going into the barn with Harold again—or with any other boy.”

  Travis’s hands slid down her arms to her wrists. He took hold of one in a tight grasp and led her away from the cabin in the direction of the barn. It took Kali a moment to realize his intention, and she began fighting him immediately.

  “No!” she yelled, kicking at him without success.

  “In order to battle your fears, you have to confront them and discover they can’t hurt you anymore,” he told her, ignoring her protests. “And I’m going to be with you every step of the way. No one and nothing can hurt you now but yourself. Your father is dead,

  Kali. He can’t come after you anymore. Your ex-husband is no longer here and he can’t hurt you, either.”

  Kali continued kicking and screaming, calling Travis every name in the book, determined not to give in easily.

  “Lady, words like that will only get your mouth washed out with soap,” Travis warned grimly, not giving her an inch as he continued their walk back to the barn.

  By then Kali’s chest was heaving from her exertions. She resisted every step of the way, but Travis eventually got her back inside the barn. He led her over to a nearby wall and held her against it with the weight of his body. He didn’t try to touch her any other way. For the next few minutes he absorbed the sobs and screams of anger she directed toward him with a mighty vengeance. By the time she stopped, she was drained of all feeling and sagged against him.

  “A barn holds hay, horses, cows, and whatever else the owner cares to put in it,” Travis said quietly, picking a weary Kali up and carrying her back to the cabin. She was too tired to do more than curl her arms around his neck and lay her head against his chest. “There’s nothing to fear from it, and the day will come when we’ll tumble into the loft and make love, and you won’t be scared at all.”

  “I want to hate you for what you did.” Each word came out in a jerky gasp as she was placed on the bed and the quilt pulled up over her.

  “Then hate me all you want. I told you before, I’m going to force you to face your fears, and when they’re all gone, you’ll be a whole person again. That’s the woman I want.” Travis sat on the edge of the bed and picked up her chilled hands, rubbing them between his own.

  “You have a very strange way of talking a woman into posing for you.” Her eyes closed.

  “You told me that if I mentioned my book again, you’d boot me out, and here you’re the one to go and talk about it.” He chuckled.

  “I may still boot you out,” she murmured.

 
“I doubt it. Then you’d have to fix your own coffee again.”

  “You’re right, I couldn’t stand it.” Kali’s words were slurred, her body relaxed. Travis remained with her until she fell into a deep sleep. When he did leave her, he left the door ajar and the hall light burning so she wouldn’t have to wake up in the dark. He knew that the moment she stirred, he would hear her and be by her side.

  It was several hours before Kali awoke. She was slow returning to the land of the living. When waking brought on a headache, she was tempted to go back to sleep. She rolled over onto her side and stared at the open door and the light burning from the hallway. A moment later Travis stood in the doorway.

  “I see you’re awake. Would you like something to eat?” he asked softly.

  “You can’t cook,” she mumbled.

  “I can warm up soup in the microwave without any harm coming to it,” he assured her with an easy grin.

  “Unless the microwave blows up,” Kali muttered, sitting up, pushing her hair away from her face. She felt hot and gritty.

  Travis disappeared and returned carrying a damp washcloth. Brushing aside her protests, he wiped her face and hands. “Why don’t you put on a robe and come out when you’re ready,” he suggested.

  She nodded. There was a great deal she wanted to say to him, but she wasn’t sure how or where to begin. Before she could form one word, he was gone.

  Kali washed up and discarded her clothing in favor of a bright coral velour robe. When she walked into the kitchen, she found Travis setting a bowl on the table, along with a plate of warm rolls.

  “Don’t worry, I didn’t set food near the stove or oven,” he told her, pouring a glass of wine and putting it near the bowl.

  Kali tried the soup and realized it was the homemade chicken noodle soup she’d stored in the freezer along with the rolls. She didn’t feel hungry but knew that if she ate something, her headache would probably go away.

  “Aren’t you eating?” she asked, watching him take the seat across from her.

  “I ate a few hours ago.”

  It wasn’t until then that Kali looked at a clock and was stunned to find it was almost midnight.

  “I may as well have slept through the night,” she said wryly, applying herself to her late supper.

  “If you had, you wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the gourmet meal I whipped up for you.”

  Kali looked at the food storage containers stacked on the counter, at the microwave, then at Travis. “Yes, I can see you put a great deal of thought into the meal,” she said, teasing.

  He relaxed. She was in a better frame of mind than he expected she would be. Perhaps that meant she didn’t hate him as much as she had intimated before.

  Kali ate most of the soup, one roll, and drank all her wine before sitting back in her chair.

  “What you did was the most horrible thing I can imagine,” she said without preamble. “I understand why you did it, but I still don’t appreciate it.”

  “I didn’t expect you to.”

  “You can be a bastard, can’t you?”

  “Yes, but I’m also the man who is in love with you.”

  Whatever Kali had expected for an answer, it wasn’t that. She could only sit there and gape at him, wondering if she had heard right, and so afraid she might not have.

  Chapter 10

  Kali didn’t ask Travis to repeat his statement, and he didn’t bother to elaborate. When morning finally came, she was still reeling from his confession. The last thing she had expected was for him to tell her he loved her. Desired her, yes; wanted her, yes; loved her, no.

  “Oh, no, lady, today I drive,” Travis informed her after she announced that she needed to go into town to check her mail. “I intend to live to see my next birthday. Besides, I’m tired of riding around with my stomach in my throat.”

  “Fine.” She dropped the keys into his outstretched palm and headed for the passenger side.

  Travis knew exactly why Kali was so quiet during the leisurely drive into town. His telling her he loved her was probably more than she could handle just now. Except he had to tell her; he wanted her to know that his feelings were more for her than just a few nights in bed and then a “Goodbye, see you later.” He’d seen too much of that happening in his world, and wouldn’t have been surprised if Kali wasn’t afraid of just that. No matter what, he had to make sure she knew they weren’t just idle words for him.

  Following Kali’s directions, Travis parked in the dirt lot behind J. C.‘s general store.

  “I want to stop in Millie’s and see if she has any cinnamon rolls,” Kali said, jumping out of the jeep and walking around to the street. “No one can make them like her, and I like to buy up as many as possible and freeze them.” She headed for a small shop that doubled as a clothing store and bakery.

  “I would think most women do their own baking around here.” Travis followed her.

  “They do, but Millie fixes up some specialty items most people don’t care to make themselves, and cinnamon rolls is one of them.” Kali hesitated when an elderly couple approached them. She managed a weak smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Hello, Tom, Sarah.”

  If looks could kill, Kali would have dropped dead right then and there. Their gazes were glacial, their expressions pure fury directed at the younger woman.

  “Because of you and your high-and-mighty ways, Calliope, we lost our son,” the woman bit out. “I hope you can live with yourself.” She stalked on.

  Kali’s face was paper-white, and she bit her up to keep it from quivering. She grasped Travis’s hand, holding on to it tightly.

  “I—uh—I don’t think I really need any cinnamon rolls,” she whispered, turning around.

  Travis noticed several ladies watching Kali, then grouping together to chatter in low tones. It wasn’t difficult to guess who they were talking about.

  “Let’s go into J. C.‘s.”

  She shook her head. “No, I just want to go home.”

  Travis draped his arm around her shoulders. “We will go into J. C.‘s and you will act as if nothing happened,” he advised in a low voice.

  “I can’t.”

  “You can and you will.” He steered her toward the general store and inside.

  Kali held her breath as she searched the interior, until she discovered it was empty except for its proprietor.

  “Hello, J. C.” She forced herself to smile and failed miserably. “How are you?”

  “I’d be better if my arthritis wouldn’t act up so damn much,” he grumbled, coming around the counter to kiss her on the cheek. He looked at her with sharp eyes. “What happened to get you upset?”

  She shrugged. “I’m not upset.”

  “Someone named Tom and Sarah.” Travis supplied the names, even though he had a good idea who they were.

  J. C. sighed heavily. “They’re so bitter that they only want to believe in one side of the story.” He turned to Travis. “They’re Harold’s parents, and they’ve always blamed Kali for taking him away from here. They don’t understand that he wanted to leave here just as badly as she did. He was the one who felt he was better than anyone here, not her.” He hugged her tightly. “They also blame her for issuing that warrant for his arrest if he returns to this country. They think she forced him to leave, and see nothing wrong that he took Cheryl with him.”

  “They blame me for losing their son but forget that I’ve lost my daughter,” she whispered.

  The trio was silent for several moments before J. C. roused himself. “Let me have the list of what you need. I’ve also got some mail for the two of you.” He took her list and disappeared behind the counter.

  Kali couldn’t keep still and wandered through the tiny store as J. C. filled several boxes with her needs and dropped the mail in one box. She was so immersed in her perusal of a selection of paperbacks on one counter, she didn’t see J. C. gesture to Travis and lead him into the back room.

  “I’m hoping this isn’t what I think,” he sai
d in a low voice, handing him an airmail envelope. “But if it is, I don’t want her to be alone when she opens this. I also don’t want her to see it until you feel the time is right—

  Travis looked down at the dark blue scrawl across the pale blue tissue paper. There was no return address, but the burning feeling in his gut told him the name of the sender.

  “You’re right,” he said slowly, still staring down at the envelope. “After what just happened, the last thing she needs is to be upset again.”

  J. C. nodded in understanding. “She’ll yell and scream and cuss a blue streak,” he said, warning the younger man.

  “She can do anything she pleases, so long as she doesn’t shut me out,” Travis muttered, pocketing the envelope. He schooled his face into an unconcerned expression as he followed J. C. out into the store.

  “What were you two doing back there?” Kali demanded, turning around. “Looking at the pictures in Playboy?”

  “Now, honey, you know very well I only read it for the articles.” J. C. was all innocence.

  Kali rolled her eyes in disbelief. She picked up one of the boxes, only to be ordered by Travis to leave them alone; he’d carry them outside to the Jeep. She watched him load the Jeep, noticed the frown in his eyes, and wondered what had put it there. She had a sudden sinking feeling that his worry had something to do with her.

  During the drive back to the cabin Travis caught hold of Kali’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Apprehension filled her body, but she feared asking the obvious question.

  Travis unloaded the boxes quickly, helping Kali put everything away in its proper place. He suggested she look through her mail while he made some coffee.

  Sensing whatever he had to tell her would be kept quiet until he was ready, she glanced through her mail, read letters from Jenny and another friend, and opened a box of videotapes and books from Malcolm. She put them aside, knowing they would come in handy when she was left alone again. Alone. That word sounded sad. She had grown so used to Travis’s company that she’d forgotten the time would come when he would have to leave. Thinking about it tempted her into going back to Los Angeles, but she still didn’t feel brave enough to reenter the fast lane.