A few minutes later, Baba brought two mugs of cocoa to the table and sat next to me wordlessly. She didn't demand for me to talk or ask a thing. She just sipped on her drink and waited patiently for me to speak. It was a relief. We sat in comfortable silence until I finally began to talk.
"There's more to Paige breaking up with me than I ever told you," I began as I wrapped my hands around my warm mug. She nodded, not looking surprised at all. "I found out a week after she left me that she had an abortion. She didn't want me or our baby." That got a reaction out of her. Her hands tightened on her mug as her eyes glittered with sudden anger, but she still didn't say anything, so I continued. "After that, I told myself that I would never risk loving a woman ever again. I shoved down all the pain and anger, and it worked for me for a long time. Then I met Natalie." Baba's face softened when I mentioned Natalie's name. "She made me want to try again." My voice was thick with emotion now. "I fell in love with her, and I thought that I could let the past go and pretend it never happened." My eyes started to burn as I fought the tears. Baba reached over and took my hand, squeezing it gently.
"Then last week, I saw Paige for the first time since she left me. It all came pouring back into me, like it had happened all over again. Now, Paige keeps calling me, and Natalie thinks I should talk to her, but I can't do it, can't deal with it." I took in a shuddering breath as I fought to keep my voice even. "Natalie and I keep fighting over this. I begged her to please let it go, but she went behind my back and went to talk to Paige." I didn't mention what Natalie had said about Paige being abused by her fiance, because I didn't want it to matter. I didn't want to care about what happened to Paige anymore. My tone turned bitter. "Why couldn't she just let this go, Baba? Why does everyone keep pressuring me into talking to that woman? Why can't everyone just stop pushing me into doing something I can't do?"
"What are you afraid will happen if you talk to Paige?" Baba asked as she rubbed her thumb reassuringly across the back of my hand. Her eyes were serene and understanding. For once, I didn't feel defensive about a question regarding the subject, and actually considered an answer.
"I guess I'm...I'm afraid that she'll hurt me again," I admitted in a subdued voice.
"Haven't you already been hurting all this time over her?"
I didn't answer her as I stared down into my mug as a wave of hopelessness hit me.
"Aren't you tired of it?" she asked.
I closed my eyes and nodded.
"I understand wanting to run away from pain, David," Baba said softly as she squeezed my hand tightly. "I've done that myself."
I glanced up in surprise to see a haunted painful expression on her face.
"After your grandfather passed away, I was empty and broken." Her eyes stared past me and into a dark place inside herself. "Everything and everyone reminded me of him and what I had lost. It hurt too much, so I packed up my daughter and everything I had ever known, in a desperate attempt to rid myself of the pain."
My eyes widened in shock. She had never told me this before. I guess we were even more alike than I thought, since I had fled an entire country trying to do the very same thing. Baba met my eyes again, her expression earnest as her other hand joined the one still gripping mine.
"I came to America to avoid dealing with my loss, but it just followed me here. I ended up living in denial for quite a while, trying to avoid dealing with the pain, and in the process, I wasn't there for Aleta like I should have been. Your mother ran wild as a teenager, spending time with the wrong kinds of people. She got into a lot of trouble, and ended up pregnant with you and your sister. It was a wake-up call for both of us. Having a daughter and two grand-babies to help take care of put my whole life into perspective. I couldn't move through my life on autopilot and ignore my problems any longer, not when what was left of my family needed me."
The truth of her words slammed into me like a sledgehammer, the sudden clarity making me see how my denial was hurting me and everyone else around me, especially Natalie. I'd abandoned her without a word at Sydney's house, leaving her to think that I walked out on her again. What have I done? The pain of talking to Paige wouldn't hold a candle to what losing Natalie would do to me. I was an asshole, again. I let out a deep sigh and hung my head, resting my forehead in my free hand. Had I done irreparable damage to my relationship with Natalie? Would she even want me back this time?
"Baba," I said in despair. "I think I've ruined everything with Natalie."
I felt her warm hand on my cheek as she began to speak in Ukrainian this time. "Vona vasha povitrya, vona ne?" She is your air, isn't she?
"Tak, Baba," I nodded as I told her yes.
"Todi borotysya za zhinku, yaku ty lyubysh, Davyda." Then fight for the woman you love, David. Her voice was firm and forceful. I glanced up to look at her. She gripped both my hands in hers as her eyes turned fierce. "Fight for her, David, and don't let anything stand in your way."
I squeezed her hands as her force of will infused me with hope and purpose. I couldn't risk losing the best thing that had ever happened to me. If Natalie was willing to fight for me, even knowing it was going to anger me, then I owed her the same willingness to fight to keep her. I couldn't run away anymore.
"I will, Baba. I will."
*********
My sense of purpose faltered when Jensen opened the door of his condo and leveled a baleful glare at me. His arms were crossed over his chest in a defensive posture. I had never seen him angry at me like this before, and I unconsciously took a step back.
"If you're here to yell obscenities at my wife again for trying to help you, then you can turn around right now and get the fuck out of here," he snarled at me with blazing eyes.
"I'm here to apologize, Jensen," I said quietly through chattering teeth as I wrapped my arms around myself. I left my jacket here when I stormed out, and hadn't realized it until I left Baba to come back here. The temperature had dropped since I was here earlier, and it had to be getting close to the freezing point now. I was grateful it wasn't snowing.
Jensen's lips pursed as he noticed that I was shaking from the cold. He let out an exasperated sigh as he uncrossed his arms, the anger in his eyes cooling a little. "Get your ass in here, before you fucking freeze to death," he growled out with a shake of his head.
I nodded my thanks and hurried through the door into the blessed warmth.
"Natalie isn't here," Jensen blurted out when we were halfway up the stairs. I stopped abruptly and turned to face him with a questioning expression. "I took her home just after you left. She was pretty upset, brother. You were a real dick." He added that last sentence with a raspy growl, letting me know he was still angry with me.
I closed my eyes in resignation. "Fuck." I opened my eyes and looked at Jensen. "She thinks I left her again, doesn't she?" I hoped she hadn't made that assumption.
"Didn't you?" he asked sarcastically. "I saw how you left things with her. She begged you not to leave her, and you didn't say a damn word. You just took off. How else was she supposed to fucking take it?"
The hopelessness started creeping in on me again. What if I couldn't make this right? What if she didn't give me another chance? Panic swept through me, the very real possibility of losing Natalie making me feel nauseous and lost.
"I have to...I've got to..." I stammered as I started back down the steps in a rush, but Jensen stopped me with a hand on each shoulder.
"Whoa, brother," he caught my eyes with his. "I'm not letting you drive off like this again. You need to calm down first."
"I can't...I need...I have to get to her before it's too late." I fought his grip, but Jensen was a lot stronger than me.
"If you die in a car wreck, then it really will be too late," he said firmly. "I can't have something like that on my conscience again." That abruptly ended any argument I had, especially since driving while I was an emotional mess had almost gotten me in a wreck already tonight. Jensen lost his brother in a car accident, and he didn't need to lose a close friend too.
>
"Okay, fine," I conceded. "I'll stay until I calm down."
"Good." He let go of me. "Because you need to talk to Sydney, too," he said as another glower was focused on me.
"I know. I know," I grumbled, getting tired of him glaring at me, even though I deserved it. "I was a real dick to her too."
He snorted in amusement as his face softened a little. "She's in the living room. I'd be prepared to grovel if I were you. It might smooth things along."
I gave him a tight smile. "I'll keep that in mind." His wry smile made me want to hit him, but I turned away instead and went up the rest of the steps. I found Sydney sitting on the couch with her arms crossed and a defiant look in her eyes when I entered the living room.
"You are an asshole," she said as she gave me a hard stare. "You better be here to apologize."
"Look, Syd," I said in a reasonable tone, not wanting to fight with her. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, but you went behind my back to talk to Paige. Doesn't that earn me a little slack here? You knew how I felt about it. Both of you did."
"We were worried about you," Syd said in an accusatory tone. "Not dealing with what Paige did to you has been eating you up for a long time, you just won't admit it to yourself. What were we supposed to do? Watch you suffer because you're a stubborn asshole?"
"Sydney," Jensen scolded her from behind me. "If you two had been up front with him in the first place; this wouldn't have happened."
"Oh, please," she glared at her husband. "If we hadn't done what we did, he'd still be living in denial and acting like a hypocrite. I'm sorry we upset him, but I'm not sorry for doing it at all."
Jensen crossed his arms and returned his wife's hard stare. Damn, I didn't want them fighting because of me. It was really all my fault anyway. If I hadn't been such a coward and faced my problems all along, none of this would be happening. He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut in before he had a chance to speak.
"You're right, Syd."
They reacted with shocked faces, followed by silence as they stared at me.
"I'm sorry," I said softly as I looked back and forth between my closest friends in the world, feeling guilty about how I had been treating them lately. "For everything. I've been a shitty friend to both of you. I was so lost in my denial, trying to pretend that my pain didn't exist, that I turned into an asshole. A hypocritical stubborn asshole that owes both of you an apology." I closed my eyes and bowed my head. "I'm sorry."
"David," Sydney said softly, and I looked up to see that she was right in front of me. Her face was full of regret. "I forgive you." She held out her arms, and I wrapped her up in mine, hugging her tightly. I felt a wash of relief with her forgiveness, and a little of the tension I'd been carrying around bled away.
"It's all good, brother," Jensen added as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"No, it's not," I said in resignation as I stepped away from Syd. "But I'm hoping it will be, eventually."
"I'm sorry that I tried to push you into something you weren't ready for," Syd said as she gave me a sad look. "I was just trying to help you."
"Don't be sorry, Syd." I shook my head. "I didn't exactly give you much choice. I had my head shoved so far up my ass that I couldn't pull it out on my own if I had even bothered to try."
"That's water under the bridge now, brother." Jensen tightened his hand on my shoulder. "It's time to move forward."
"Yeah," I agreed reluctantly, "It's time to pull my head out of my ass and face reality."
Syd looked at me dubiously. "Does...does that mean you're going to talk to Paige?" she asked with hesitation, like she was afraid of how I'd react. It made me feel guilty again.
"Yes," I spoke with a certainty I hadn't quite convinced myself of yet. "And if what you say is true about her fiance, then we'll have to figure out a way to help her with that too." I couldn't in good conscience ignore that even if I wanted to. I couldn't find much sympathy in my heart for Paige herself, my anger at her still very painful and very real, but there was an innocent life at stake here. Paige's baby needed help and I had to do something, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it made me.
"What are we going to do help her?" Syd asked with a relieved expression. Jensen looked at me expectantly.
"We aren't doing anything right now," I told them. "I have to fix things with Natalie before I can even think about any of that."
"Then what the fuck are you still doing hanging around here?" Jensen asked with a wry smile as he pulled his hand away from my shoulder.
"What if it's too late?" I whispered. I met his eyes and felt panic creeping in again. "What if she's done with me and all my bullshit."
"David," Syd grabbed my hand and squeezed it, drawing my attention back to her. "Stop that. She loves you. Look what she was willing to do for you, even if it meant making you angry. She risked that to help you. I don't think she'd give up on you that easily."
"I hope so," I mumbled out, needing to believe that she would still want me after how I'd treated her. The other option was unthinkable. "I love her so much. I can't breath without her."
"Then fight for her," Jensen said vehemently, echoing Baba's similar sentiment earlier, and filling me with purpose again. I was terrified of being hurt again, but my fear of losing Natalie was a whole hell of a lot stronger. I nodded and turned to hurry out to my car.
"Don't forget your jacket," Jensen called out with amusement in his tone. I stopped to pull my jacket out of the hall closet, and slipped it on as I shook my head at my distracted state.
"Don't worry, David." Sydney smiled at me from the end of the short hallway as Jensen came up behind her. "You've got this."
I turned back and smiled at the two of them gratefully, their confidence in me instilling me with hope again. I nodded once firmly, then rushed off to fight for something truly for the first time in my life. Natalie wouldn't know what hit her.
*********
Terror assaulted me as I stopped in front of Natalie's apartment door. What if she didn't even answer the door? It was already past ten o'clock, and she would have to know it was me at this hour. I suddenly wanted to leave, to run like hell, but I didn't want to be that person anymore. I didn't want to be a deluded coward anymore. If I couldn't fight for this, what kind of man was I? I took in a deep breath to steel myself, and then let it out in a rush. I reached up and knocked firmly on the door, hoping to God that she would let me in.
It felt like an eternity as I stood there waiting in that empty hallway with my entire world on the line. I rubbed my hand through my beard nervously, my nerves about shot. I was just about to start pounding on the door, when I finally heard the lock turn. I held my breath as the door eased open.
Natalie was a wreck as she looked at me with equal parts anger and pain. Her eye makeup had run down her cheeks, her hair a disheveled mess. She was still dressed in the same clothes, but they were rumpled now. I had a sudden image of her curled up in her bed and crying because of me. Guilt hit me like a fist to the gut.
"Sweetheart," I whispered as I took a step toward her.
"Why are you here?" she snapped out irritably, her eyes flashing with anger. I froze mid step, and dropped the hand I hadn't even realized I had reached for her with. "Are you here to dump me officially, or are you going to take off without a word again?" Her voice was bitter and hurt, and I felt about two feet tall.
"I...I didn't dump you and I'm not going to, Natalie," I said in a subdued voice that seemed a lot calmer than I actually felt inside. "Please let me in, so we can talk."
"Maybe I don't want to talk." The bitterness in her tone deepened. "Maybe I'm going to dump you."
"Natalie." The terror hit me again. "Please don't say that." That last sentence took on a panicked edge.
"Why shouldn't I?" Her voice broke this time, and pain started to color her words. The guilt flared inside me again.
"Sweetheart," I said gently. I stepped through the doorway and tried to wrap my arms around her. She batted me away and
fled further into her apartment. She moved to put the kitchen table between us. Her rejection stung me, but I followed her inside and shut the door behind me. My fight for this, for us, was just starting, and I wouldn't give up, no matter what she said.
"You can't just smooth this over with sweet words and hugs, David." She wrapped her arms around herself, and glared at me from the other side of the table. I could see tears start to form in her eyes.
"I don't want to smooth this over, Natalie. I want to fix this," I pleaded.
"Here's how you can fix things," she said snidely. "Stop being an asshole and pull your head out of your ass."
I gritted my teeth in frustration and barely managed to stifle a growl, even though what she said was true. "Natalie." My voice took on a scolding tone that I didn't intend.
"Don't you, Natalie, me," she snapped out, mimicking the way I had said her name. She pointed a finger at me as anger flashed in her eyes. "You keep fucking with my head. You say all these sweet things, and that you love me, but every time you refuse to deal with something, and it's always about Paige; you turn into a dick or run away from me. Well, I'm done waiting for you to suck it up and deal with it like an adult. You either start trying to find a way to get past this, or I'm done." Any lingering irritation I felt, suddenly died with her ultimatum.
"You're right," I said softly, "about everything, Natalie." I ran my hand through my beard and glanced off to the side to gather my thoughts. It was time to lay it all out on the line, and hope it was enough. I met her startle eyes. "I know that I've been an asshole, and I know it's because I'm a damn coward. I've been holding on to the past, carrying this pain around and taking it out on you, because I thought that it was easier than facing it head on. However, what I can't face, what I won't face, is a life without you in it. I love you, and I'd rather face Paige a thousand times than risk losing you, so I'm done running. I'm done acting like I'm fine. I'm done living in this pain that I thought I could sweep under the rug and pretend didn't exist. I'm done avoiding my past. You deserve better than that. You deserve to have all of me, so I'm taking my life back, and this time I'm all in. I'm begging you to give me another chance to prove that I can be the man you deserve, the man I want to be for you."
You Are My Love: Breathless Book 2 Page 13
