Allie nodded. “That's how I feel…sometimes anyway.”
“I'm sure God doesn't mind if we enjoy our little perks.” Isaiah held up a cheese curl with yellowed fingers. “Like this fine cuisine they provide for us.”
We all laughed.
Then Jeremy made this sweet little speech about how they really thought we had talent and they wanted to do anything possible to help us.
“We really mean it,” he finished up. “Whether it's music-related or your own spiritual walk, we're here for you.”
The other guys nodded, then Michael looked at his watch. “Well, we're here for you for a few more minutes. Then we gotta split to catch our flight.”
“You guys are flying to Phoenix?” asked Allie with wide eyes.
Jeremy shrugged a bit sheepishly. “We used to have to travel by bus too. But things change, you know?”
“Hey,” I waved my hand, “we understand. You guys have paid your dues. It's only fair.”
“And sometimes we go in our bus,” said Jeremy.
“Yeah, especially with the way security is getting,” Brett added. “You practically get strip-searched every time you try to board a plane.”
Allie grinned. “Kaybe they just think you guys are cute.”
“Seriously?” said Laura. “They even make celebrities go through all that security?”
Isaiah laughed. “Yeah, that's one place where there are no respecters of persons.”
“It's a good way to bring you back to earth,” said Jeremy. “Just in case you're getting a big head.” He jabbed Isaiah with his elbow.
“Anyway, we'll probably ride.on our bus from Albuquerque to Santa i'e, right, Jeremy?”
“That's the plan.”
“Cool.” Allie had two stars shining in her eyes as she waved good-bye to Brett. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. That 'girl has absolutely no sense of subtlety. I originally thought she had it bad for Isaiah, but as it turns out, she's smitten with Brett the drummer. Guess it takes one to know one. Still, I'm guessing these guys already have girlfriends. I know they have plenty of girl fans who would be perfectly willing to volunteer if they don't.
Now, as I sit here writing in the privacy of my diary as our bus rolls up the highway toward Phoenix, I will admit which guy (in Iron Gross) most intrigues me. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by this since I've always considered him to be the best looking in a dark, serious way. Of course, all I had to go by was their album covers before. But anyway, it's Jeremy Baxter. Okay, Allie might not think he's such a hottee—at least not in her book—but I happen to think he is totally gorgeous. Although I will probably keep this to myself.
Because of course, I know he's way too old for me. Sheesh, he's even older than my brother Josh. But I can't help but think he's pretty cool. And mature. I really like the way he talks about his relationship with God. I guess I just really respect him. It's not as if I'm having a crush or anything. That would be childishly stupid. Besides, I'm still sort of involved with Cesar. Or at least I think I am.
To be honest, I'm beginning to think it's a little weird having this long-distance relationship with a guy who I probably don't know all that well. I realize, especially by his e-mails, that Cesar considers me his girlfriend. And I suppose I felt like that last summer. But I'm not so sure anymore. So much else is going on now. I guess it's not really important to figure this out tonight. But just the same, I'd feel awful to think I've been disloyal to him. Cesar is one of the coolest, most grounded guys I know. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail him tomorrow.
WISH-WASH
sometimes i don't even know
what's going on in me
i think everything's all clear
and then i just can't see
wish-wash, wish-wash
which way to turn? wish-wash, wish-wash
will i ever learn?
i think i know my way
i'm gonna do it right
and then i'm all confused
my mind is outta sight
wish-wash, wish-wash
what is right to do?
wish-wash, wish-wash
God, how i need You
only You can lead me
whether east or west
i trust my way to You
the One who knows me best
cm
Nine
Sunday, October 3
(COOKING IN PHOENIX)
Man, is it hot down here. And crowded. I am seriously wondering what makes all these people want to live in a hot desert spot like this. It's not that the landscape isn't beautiful—in that stark desert sort of way. But according to what I've heard, most people seem to stay inside with their air conditioners cranked up all the time. I suppose the heat could take its toll. There will definitely be no sleeping on the bus down here. Too stuffy.
We've done three concerts with Iron Gross so far. I'm almost beginning to feel comfortable with the whole thing. And fortunately,. Laura is hanging in there just fine. Oh, she still has her slumps and gets grumpy sometimes, but when it's time for a concert, she really comes to life. In fact, she's been great every night we've performed. So it seems we're over some sort of hump here.
And from now on our schedule'will be a little less demanding than it was when we were doing the church and fair circuit, but the expectation level is much higher. We've got to be in tip-top form every time we open for Iron Gross. Willy and Elise keep reminding us to pace-ourselves. I'm sure they're worried that we could easily become burnt-out before our tour is up.
Willy finally got our laptops hooked up to some kind of wireless service so we can use the Internet while we're on the road. So now we have no excuse not to stay in touch with everyone—as well as getting our homework done. Already I've hinted to Cesar that this long-term relationship might not be the best thing. I told him that I'll always want to be close friends with him, but that I'm not sure about the rest of it. I could tell by his response that he was a little hurt. But he said he understood. I hope so.
BURNING BRIDGES
along the road
you miss a turn
you go too far
you end up burned
one wrong choice
you lose your way
you continue on
when you should stay
without a compass
you stub your toe
you don't recall
the way to go
don't burn the bridge
that you must cross
when you realize
all that's lost
you can go back
there's time to turn
God can restore
the bridge that burned
cm
Thursday, October 7
(HANGIN' IN ALBUQUERQUE)
We've had a pretty quiet week, all things considered. It's been a good chance to get caught up on things like schoolwork and rest and also e-mail. It's funny to think that of all the e-mail I get— and it's really quite a lot these days since everyone I know seems to want to write to a “rock star”—I've discovered that I look forward to the ones from ray dad the most.
This has taken me completely by surprise. I mean, I realize I'm only sixteen, and by all rights I should still be living at home and begging to stay out later than my ten o'clock curfew. But I also know that I think of myself as older somehow—like I'm ready to be independent and on ray own. And I am, sort of. It's also true that I hadn't felt terribly close to ray parents during the past few years, which was mostly my fault. I was so consumed with being a rebel that I thought my parents were hopelessly lame, and I went out of my way to avoid having a relationship with them at all.
Now I'm finding that I feel bad for the time I wasted, and it makes me miss my parents. I can tell my dad really misses me, and that feels kind of cool. He says my mom misses me too, and I don't think he'd lie about something like that. But she doesn't do e-mail, and I've only talked to her a couple of times on the phone. So it's ha
rd to say. But that's okay. I accept that Mom and I are just. two very different people. I love her anyway, and I know she loves me.
Speaking of parents and families, we all just got this great idea. We've decided to see if we can fly our parents out to Dallas on October 23. We're having a pretty big concert that night, and we thought it'd be fun to have them come and see us and stay a couple nights at the hotel. We asked Willy to check into this—and see if we can afford it. Because despite what people may think, we do live within a budget. Oh, sure,'we all have more money than we could make working at the coffeehouse or, McDonald's, but we're certainly not millionaires.
Anyway, it's fun to think of having them all come out. Ifot so much that I want to impress them with our new status of “stardom,” which is really an overstatement, but I would like them to see us opening for Iron Cross. That, I feel, is quite an accomplishment. And I want them to meet the guys in the band.
OLD HOLDS
family ties
sing to me
stubborn lies
cling to me
peel away
start again
help me stay
free from sin
learn to love
how to live
God above
help me forgive
cm
Friday, October 8
(SEEING SANTA FE)
Somehow we got our schedules a bit confused (my fault I'm sure), and both Iron Gross and Redemption showed up at the same time to practice this afternoon. We're sharing the same practice room at the hotel, getting ready for our concert tomorrow night. Anyway, the guys were real sweet about it and actually invited us to a little jam session with them.
It was so cool. Just jamming with Iron Gross. Talk about stoked. And our combined sound wasn't half bad either. Mot that we'll be taking it to the stage anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter. But it was fun.
After we finished up, we hung in the practice room for a while. We were trying to think of something fun to do but were having a hard time agreeing on anything. Some of us wanted to do something outdoors, and others (like Allie and Laura and Brett) seemed content to go mall hopping. Finally, we decided to split up, and I ended up going with Jeremy and Isaiah. Our plan was to drive up to Santa 3fe, which we figured would take about an hour.
We got into the rental car, this black Mustang convertible that the guys had been sharing, and we headed up the highway. Jeremy was the driver, and I offered to sit in back since I'm shorter and the legroom's a little cramped back there— besides, it seemed right. The plan was to just stop wherever we wanted along the way.
Well, the country was drop-dead gorgeous and we stopped a lot. The rugged mountains and pine trees were stunning, the air was clean and clear, and the sky was this amazing jewel-tone shade of blue. It became quite obvious that Jeremy was a real nature freak. Anyway, that's what Isaiah calls him.
“Jeremy just goes nuts over things like trees and birds and stuff,” Isaiah said after Jeremy had pulled over to better investigate what he thought was an eagle.
“I think that's cool,” I admitted. “Nature can be pretty inspiring.”
Jeremy smiled. “Yeah, we poets need to stick together.”
I think that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever had. But I'm not sure if I even said thank you or not.
We finally made it to Santa i'e and went to this cool Mexican restaurant for dinner. The building was made out of adobe and looked like it was about a hundred years old. We sat outside on a terra-cotta patio, under lots of festive, colorful lanterns. They even had live music (a marimba band), and I honestly felt like I was in some old cheesy Hollywood movie. Only it was totally fun. And surprisingly, I found myself really opening up to these guys.
“I'm just not that comfortable with the one-on-one stuff,” I told them as we started our dessert. “You know, signing autographs and talking with strangers who act like you're some kind of superstar.”
“Man, that's the best part…' Isaiah laughed then pointed his finger at Jeremy. “Although not everyone thinks so.”
Jeremy smiled. “I'm not that comfortable with it either.”
“Really?” I studied this confident-looking young man and wondered how that could possibly be true.
He nodded. “I'm fine up there onstage, Chloe, but when I'm face-to-face with a fan, I get a little unnerved.”
“Yes!” Relief washed over me. “That's exactly how I feel. But Allie and Laura seem perfectly fine with it. I thought I was just weird.”
“Well, welcome to the club,” said Jeremy.
“Does it get any better?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Sometimes I think it does. After all, we've been doing this for five years. But then there are times when I'd like to go climb in a hole too.”
“Yeah,” said Isaiah. “We have to keep our eye on him.”
“Do you have any suggestions?” I looked at Jeremy hopefully. “Any magical answers?”
He laughed. “I wish. Mostly I try to put the whole thing into God's hands and trust Him. But I also think it's therapeutic to just keep thrusting yourself out there. It's like facing your fears.”
I sighed. “I suppose. But sometimes it's overwhelming.”
“I know. I've read some on social anxiety disorders.”
“Is that what this is?” I asked. “Does it really have a name?”
“Man, they have names for everything,” said Isaiah. “You could be afraid of sneezing in crowds, and the shrinks would give it a name.”
“Sometimes it helps to have a name attached. It helps you to know what you're dealing with,” said Jeremy. “Sure, it doesn't solve the problem, but it makes you realize that you're not alone and there might be ways to cope with it better.”
I smiled. “I have to admit, it makes me feel better knowing that you struggle with it and that it's something real—not just in my head, you know?”
Jeremy nodded. “I know.”
Then we started talking about music again, critiquing the marimba band and sharing some of the things that inspire us. It was so cool just hanging with these guys tonight. And on the way home, riding in the backseat of the convertible with the top down and knowing that the guys in the front seat are members of the best band in the country…well, it was almost more than my little pea brain could take in.
And to be perfectly honest, it was sort of romantic too. I can't believe I just admitted this. It's something I could only say in the privacy of my diary. Ito way would I want anyone besides God to know—and there's no hiding it from Him. But I'd freak if Allie or Laura—and definitely Jeremy—had any idea of how I feel right now.
But the truth is, I'm afraid that I'm getting a real crush on Jeremy. Okay, I know this guy's way older than me, and in a way that makes it seem okay. It's as if he's so unattainable that it's safe. Besides, he treats me like his kid sister. And that's okay too. Really. It makes me feel like I can hang with him without getting all worried that anything could go sideways. And I just like being with him. I like talking about music and lyrics and life and God with him. Now, is there anything wrong with that?
KEEP ME SAFE
watch your step
and guard your heart
you think you heard
the music start
but take it easy
don't let go
keep your cool
don't let it show
keep me safe, Lord,
hold my hand
sometimes i don't
understand
You know ray heart
belongs to You
keep it safe
ray whole life through
era
Ten
Wednesday, October 13
(ORDINARY DAY IN EL PASO)
Saturday's concert in Santa i'e was great. In ray humble opinion both bands totally rocked. The crowd seemed to agree, and Eric said that Redemption was the perfect complement to Iron Cross.
“I think these two bands co
uld have a really bright future together,” he told Willy the next morning as we were getting ready to head out. “The big boys at Omega like what they're hearing. And Iron Gross is pleased too.”
“What went wrong with the last band who toured with them?” asked Willy.
“Spirit Walkers?” Eric shook his head. “It's kind of a long story, but the nutshell version is they fell apart.”
Willy nodded as he loaded the last of the drum kit into the storage bin. “Yeah, that's usually the case.”
Eric smiled as he glanced over to where Allie and I were lurking and eavesdropping. Okay, we were just listening. “But that's not going to happen with Redemption. Is it, ladies?”
“No way,” Allie said with full confidence.
“Not as long as God's holding us together,” I added. But I can't deny that hearing about another band falling apart ran a slight chill down ray spine.
“That's the attitude.” Eric patted me on the back. “All things are possible through God, right?”
I nodded.
“See you in Dallas then.” He grinned. “Oh, by the way, I probably shouldtft tell you this, but a couple of the bigwigs are flying out with me for the Dallas concert. Hopefully you guys will be hot that night.”
“I'm sure we'll do our best,” I assured him. “We've got family coming to that concert.”
“Great. It'll be a good one for everybody then.”
So we've been really getting in the practice time this week. Willy and I both agree that we need to make up for lost time—specifically for our little lull when Laura wasn't up to speed. I think we're sounding better and better, and Pve been able to introduce a couple new songs. Ky two favorite parts of this tour are practicing and performing—well, and getting to know the members of Iron Gross—but I'm trying to handle the publicity stuff better too.
Ifow that our CD is officially released, we're expected to make appearances at the major Christian bookstores along the way. I have to say this is stretching me—a lot. Still, I remind myself that Jeremy struggles with the same thing. Iron Gross isn't expected to make as many appearances as we do since their music literally flies off the shelf. I know this is because they've done this already. They've paid their dues.
Road Trip Page 5
